• College Basketball: Coaches vs. Cancer Classic Final: Michigan vs. Duke (7:00 p.m., ET) What's not to like? [ESPN2]
• NBA: Houston Rockets at Washington Wizards (7:00 p.m., ET) Wax Arenas should be good 15 and 5. [ESPN]
• College Football: Fresno State Bulldogs at San Jose State Aztecs (9:30 p.m., ET) Great. Now I'll never tell these two schools apart. [ESPN2]
• NBA: New Orleans Hornets at Oklahoma City Thunder (9:30 p.m., ET). What's that noise? [ESPN]

• College Basketball: Coaches vs. Cancer Classic: Southern Illinois vs. Duke Blue Devils (7:00 p.m., ET) Salukies, Dukies. Dukies, Salukies [ESPN2]
• College Football: Miami Hurricanes vs. Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (7:30 p.m., ET) Those colors do not go well together. [ESPN]
• NBA: Detroit Pistons at Boston Celtics (8:00 p.m., ET) Unless someone is punching Bill Laimbeer, I'm not interested. [TNT]
• College Basketball: Coaches vs. Cancer Classic: Michigan vs. UCLA (9:00 p.m., ET) Ditto. [ESPN2]
• NBA: Los Angeles Lakers at Phoenix Suns (10:30 p.m., ET) Maybe Kobe will finally answer that question. [TNT]

• College Football: Ball State Cardinals at Central Michigan Chippewas (7:00 p.m., ET) I guess Birds and Chips are okay, too. [ESPN2]
• NBA: Dallas Mavericks at Houston Rockets (8:00 p.m., ET) I might have some inside info on this game, if you're interested. [ESPN]
• Soccer: World Cup Qualifier: Guatemala vs. United States (10:00 p.m., ET) No wonder Cal Ripken had to leave the country. [ESPN2]
• NBA: Chicago Bulls at Portland Trail Blazers (10:30 p.m., ET) Derrick Rose looked at me! [ESPN]
• Series: "Pushing Daisies" (8:00 p.m., ET) Please watch this show. It's probably too late, but I'd hate to see it canceled. [ABC]

• NCAA Men: Richmond Spiders vs. Syracuse Orangemen (6:00 p.m., ET) Have you ever seen a spider eat an orange? [ESPN]
• NHL: Minnesota Wild at Pittsburgh Penquins (7:00 p.m., ET) Is this some sort of ice basketball? [Versus]
• NCAA Men: Preseason NIT: St. John's Red Storm vs. Boston College Eagles (7:30 p.m., ET) That John ... what a saint! [ESPN2]
• NCAA Men: Kentucky Wildcats at North Carolina Tar Heels (8:00 p.m., ET) Without Tyler, what's the point of even living? [ESPN]
• NCAA Men: Preseason NIT: Davidson Wildcats vs. Oklahoma Sooners (9:30 p.m., ET) Stephen Curry makes Dell Curry look like the shrimp curry I had for lunch. [ESPN2]
• NCAA Men: Preseason NIT: UAB Blazers vs Arizona Wildcats (11:30 p.m., ET) Enough with the wildcats! [ESPN2]

• NCAA Men: Preseason NIT: Eastern Michigan at Purdue Boilermakers (7:00 p.m., ET) I could a use a boilermaker myself right now. [ESPN2]
• NHL: Boston Bruins at Toronto Maple Leafs (7:30 p.m., ET) Did you know that Maple Leafs do not actually taste like maple syrup? [Versus]
• NFL: Monday Night Football: Cleveland Browns at Buffalo Bills (8:30 p.m., ET) Try to contain yourself. [ESPN]
• Movie: "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby" (8:00 p.m., ET) Why would you want the stereo on while you're watching TV? [Encore]

• College Football: Cincinnati Bearcats at Lousiville Cardinals (8:00 p.m., ET) How can something be a bear and a cat? [ESPN2]
• NBA: Doubleheader: Denver Nuggets at Boston Celtics (8:00 p.m., ET)/Detroit Pistons at Los Angeles Lakers (10:30 p.m., ET) Didn't we just leave this party? [ESPN]
• Movie: "The Wizard of Oz" (8:00 p.m., ET) Defeated by a bucket of water? Seriously? [TBS]

• College Football: Virginia Tech Hokies at Miami Hurricanes (7:30 p.m., ET) Something's gotta give. It might be my La-Z-Boy. [ESPN]
• MLS: East Conference Final: Chicago Fire at Columbus Crew (7:30 p.m., ET) Oh, I just bought a new Columbus Crew at the Gap last week! [ESPN2]
• NFL: New York Jets at New England Patriots (8:00 p.m., ET) I can't believe Matt Cassel's consecutive games streak is still intact. [NFL Network]
• NBA: Doubleheader: Denver Nuggets at Cleveland Cavaliers (8:00 p.m., ET)/Detroit Pistons at Golden State Warriors (10:30 p.m., ET) Billups ... Iverson ... whatever it takes. [TNT]

• College Football: Central Michigan Chippewas at Northern Illinois Huskies (8:00 p.m., ET) Fire up, Chips! [ESPN2]
• NBA: Doubleheader: Portland Trail Blazers at Miami Heat (8:00 p.m., ET); Houston Rockets at Phoenix Suns (10:30 p.m., ET) I tell ya ... I like this Oden kid. [ESPN]
• Awards: 42nd Annual Country Music Awards (8:00 p.m., ET) Backstage at the CMAs? You know what to do. [ABC]

• College Football: Ball State Cardinals at Miami Red Hawks (7:00 p.m., ET) I still think PCs are better than MACs. [ESPN2]
• Cards: World Series Of Poker, Final Table (9:00 p.m., ET) I wonder who wins? [ESPN]
• Movie: "Midway" (8:00 p.m., ET) If you know a veteran, buy him or her a drink tonight. If you are a veteran, uh ... I forgot my wallet. [AMC]

• NCAA Basketball: Presbyterian Blue Hose at Duke Blue Devils (7:00 p.m., ET) Devils vs. an entire religion? I like those odds. [ESPNU]
• NFL: Monday Night Football: San Francisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals (8:30 p.m., ET) Pro football on Monday night? How cute. [ESPN]
• Series: "Inside The Actor's Studio." Dave Chappelle interviews James Lipton (8:00 p.m., ET) Scrumtrulescent. [Bravo]

• NBA: Miami Heat at San Antonio Spurs (8:00 p.m., ET) Who is your favorite Hot? [ESPN]
• College Football: Nevada Wolf Pack at Fresno State Bulldogs (9:00 p.m., ET) So it's like a ... dog fight? [ESPN2]
• NBA: Dallas Mavericks at Denver Nuggets (10:30 p.m., ET) I just Billuped all over myself. [ESPN]
• Movie: "Rocky V" (8:00 p.m. + 10:30 p.m., ET) Ok, his manager his definitely dead by now. [AMC]

• College Football: Maryland Terrapins at Virginia Tech Hokies (7:30 p.m., ET) Something is definitely hokey here. [ESPN]
• College Football: TCU Horned Frogs at Utah Utes (8:00 p.m., ET) Great horny toads! [CBS College Sports No one get this channel.]
• NBA: Philadelphia 76ers at Orlando Magic (8:00 p.m., ET) Summer ... it's like a merry-go-round. [TNT]
• MLS Playoffs: New England Revolution at Chicago Fire (8:30 p.m., ET) "And the rockets' red gl... hey, is that a rocket coming toward us?" [ESPN2]
• NBA: Houston Rockets at Portland Trail Blazers (10:30 p.m., ET) If there's any real rockets being shot off there tonight, you just know that one will hit Greg Oden in the leg. [TNT]

• College Football: Northern Illinois Huskies at Ball State Cardinals (8:00 p.m., ET) I think a win here definitely moves BSU past Penn State. [ESPN2]
• NBA: Chicago Bulls at Cleveland Cavaliers (8:00 p.m., ET) What do you think Craig Ehlo's doing right this minute? [ESPN]
• NBA: Denver Nuggets at Golden State Warriors (10:30 p.m., ET) Wouldn't Golden State Nuggets make more sense? [ESPN]
• Movie: "Rocky III" (8:00 p.m. + 10:30 p.m., ET) Prediction? An early bed time. [AMC]

• College Football: Miami Redhawks at Buffalo Bulls (7:30 p.m., ET) If those bathrooms are rockin' ... [ESPN2]
• Movie: "Rocky II" (8:00 p.m. + 10:30 p.m., ET) I thought there wasn't going to be a rematch? [AMC]
• Politics: Presidential Election Results (7:00 p.m., ET) Oh, that voting thing was today? Why didn't anyone say anything?! [All Networks]

• NHL: Buffalo Sabres at New Jersey Devils (7:00 p.m., ET) Welcome to Newark! [VS]
• NFL: Monday Night Football: Pittsburgh Steelers at Washington Redskins (8:30 p.m., ET) It's a Zornucopia of flavor! [ESPN]
• Movie: "Rocky" (8:00 p.m. + 10:30 p.m., ET) Is his manager dead or alive? [AMC]

• NBA: Minnesota @ Oklahoma City, 7 p.m. [FSN]

• NHL: Calgary @ Anaheim, 8 p.m. [Rogers Sportsnet]

• NHL: San Jose @ Colorado, 8 p.m. [CSBA]

• CFB: East Carolina at Central Florida, 8:15 p.m. [ESPN]

• NFL: New England at Indianapolis, 8:15 p.m. [NBC]

• Movie: The Proposition, 9 p.m. [IFC]

What to watch while thinking up an even more awesome Halloween costume for next year ...

• CFB: Washington at Southern California, 6:30 p.m. [FSN]

• CFB: Tennessee at South Carolina, 7 p.m. [ESPN2]

• CFB: Texas at Texas Tech, 8 p.m. [ABC]

• CFB: Nebraska at Oklahoma, 8 p.m. [ESPN]

• NBA: Cleveland at New Orleans, 8 p.m. [FSN]

• Movie: The Shining, 8 p.m. [A&E]

• College Football: Wofford Terriers at Appalachian State Mountaineers (8:00 p.m., ET) Double the A's equal double the fun! [ESPN2]
• NBA: Chicago Bulls at Boston Celtics (8:00 p.m., ET) Derrick Rose cured my acne with a well-placed bounce pass. [ESPN]
• NBA: San Antonio Spurs at Portland Trail Blazers (10:30 p.m., ET) Has Greg Oden retired yet? [ESPN]
• Spooky: Ghost Hunters: Live (7:00 p.m., ET) That's not a ghost. Your TV is just busted. [SciFi]

• MLB: World Series, Game 5, Part 2, Electric Boogaloo: Tampa Bay Rays at Philadelphia Phillies (8:00 p.m., ET) Why don't we pick this up again next May, when it's nice and warm? [Fox]
• Politics: Barack Obama Political Message (8:00 p.m., ET) He's like the Ron Popeil of politics. [CBS, NBC, Fox and others]
• NBA: Phoenix Suns at San Antonio Spurs (8:00 p.m., ET) Shaq and everyone guarding him already have three fouls. [TNT][ESPN]
• NBA: Los Angeles Lakers at Los Angeles Clippers (10:30 p.m., ET) There's two L.A.s now? How did that happen? [TNT][ESPN]

• MLB: World Series, Game 5: Tampa Bay Rays at Philadelphia Phillies (8:00 p.m., ET) Eh, what's another 24 hours? [Fox]
• Nostalgia: "It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" (8:00 p.m., ET) Oops. I left the keys in my Sopwith Camel. [CBS]
• NBA: Cleveland Cavaliers at Boston Celtics (8:00 p.m., ET) It's a marathon, not a sprint. [TNT]
• College Football: Houston Cougars at Marshall Thundering Herd (8:30 p.m., ET) That's not a herd! [ESPN2]
• NBA: Portland Trail Blazers at Los Angeles Lakers (10:00 p.m., ET) Maybe Old Man Oden can teach these kids a thing or two. [TNT]

• MLB: World Series, Game 5: Tampa Bay Rays at Philadelphia Phillies (8:00 p.m., ET) Ba ba bada ba, bada ba ba ba ... [Fox]
• NFL: Monday Night Football: Indianapolis Colts at Tennessee Titans (8:30 p.m., ET) Is Kerry Collins actually Batman? [ESPN]
• Movies: "The Departed" (9:00 p.m., ET) I'll have a cranberry juice. [HBO]

• NBA: Washington Wizards at Cleveland Cavaliers (8:00 p.m., ET) You might want to get that pre-season fever checked out. [ESPN]
• College Football: Boise State Broncos at San Jose State Spartans (9:00 p.m., ET) Coach, don't you think our all-Statue of Liberty playbook needs some tweaking? [ESPN2]
• Movies: Baseball doubleheader: "Bang The Drum Slowly" (8:00 p.m., ET) + "Eight Men Out" (9:45 p.m., ET) DeNiro knows how to avoid full retard. [TCM]

• College Football: Auburn Tigers at West Virginia Mountaineers (7:30 p.m., ET) Brink back Major Harris [ESPN]
• MLB: World Series, Game 2: Philadelphia Phillies at Tampa Bay Rays (8:00 p.m., ET) Full power to the Shields, Chaz Utley off the starboard bow [Fox]
• MLS: New York Red Bulls vs. Chicago Fire (9:00 p.m., ET) Man, I ordered that drink once. Never. Again. [ESPN2]
• Movie: "2001: A Space Odyessy" (8:00 p.m., ET) My god, it's full of Red Bull! [TCM]

• MLB: World Series, Game 1: Philadelphia Phillies at Tampa Bay Rays (8:00 p.m., ET) Do you think now is a good time to approach the boss about a raise? [Fox]
• Movie: "Old School" (8:00 p.m., ET) Good talk. I'll see you out there. [TNT]
• Series: "Tyler Perry's House of Payne" Marathon (8:00 p.m., ET) Who are we kidding here? If you're not watching baseball, you better be reading a book or something. [TBS]

• NHL: Boston Bruins at Buffalo Sabres (7:00 p.m., ET) That just sounds cold, doesn't it? [Vs.]
• MLB: Classic Baseball: Cleveland Indians vs. Tampa Bay Devil Rays, from 1999. (7:30 p.m., ET). Indians-Rays? 1999? What the hell could this possibly be? (Boggs' 3000th? That's the greatest game in Rays' history?) [ESPN Classic]
• College Football: Ohio at Temple (8:00 p.m. ET) I literally have no comment on this. [ESPN2]
• Crime: "Godfathers" A 2-hour history of Mafia dons. (8:00 p.m., ET) It was Barzini all along. [History Channel]

• NHL: Dallas Stars at NY Rangers (7:00 p.m., ET) Sean Avery returns to the Garden ... and he looks fab-u-lous. [FSSW, MSG]
• NHL: Florida Panthers at Montreal Canadiens (7:30 p.m., ET). Thank goodness baseball is over, so the Sunshine State can finally focus on ... oh, crap. [Vs.]
• NFL: Monday Night Football: Denver Broncos at New England Patriots (9:00 p.m. ET) Cutler vs. Cassel. Fans of "effective game management" are in for a treat. [ESPN]
• Movie: "Silverado" (9:00 p.m., ET) This oughta do. [AMC]

• 8:00 — Sitcom: The Steve Harvey Show [TBS]

• 8:00 — MLB: Boston at Tampa Bay, Game 7 ALCS [TBS]

• 8:15 — NFL: Seattle at Tampa Bay [NBC]

• 8:30 — LPGA: Kapalua Classic, final round [Golf Channel]

• 9:00 — Movie: I Am Legend [MOMAXe]

What to watch while your wife and daughter kick some ass ...

• 7:00— CFB: Kansas State at Colorado [FSN] — Coach Hawkins will start son Cody after benching him last week. Which will make their Thanksgiving slightly less awkward than the Ferentzes and the Hazeltons.

• 8:00— CFB: LSU at South Carolina [ESPN] — I smell an upset. Wait. Sorry. That's just my apple crumble cooling.

• 8:00— CFB: Missouri at Texas [ABC] — Mizzou hasn't won in Austin since 1896. And even their fans pity the Cubs.

• 8:00— NBA: Utah at Chicago [WGN] — Yes, it's preseason. You got a problem with that?

• 8:00— MLB: Boston at Tampa Bay, Game 6 ALCS [TBS] — Try and keep it down, fellas. Old people in the area are trying to sleep.

• 9:00 — Movie: Notting Hill [Bravo]

• MLB: NLCS, Game 5, Philadelphia Phillies at Los Angeles Dodgers (8:22 p.m. ET) That's just Manny being eliminated? [Fox]
• Soccer: Men's World Cup Qualifier: USA vs. Trindad and Tobago (8:00 p.m., ET) Well, that doesn't even seem fair! (Har har.) [ESPN]
• NBA: Milwaukee Bucks vs. Golden State Warriors, from China (Tape delayed; 9:00 p.m., ET). One billion Andrew Bogut fans can't be wrong. [ESPN2]
• Politics: Third Presidential Debate, Barack Obama vs. John McCain. (9:00 p.m., ET) No mas. No mas. [All Networks]

• MLB: ALCS, Game 4, Tampa Bay Rays at Boston Red Sox (8:00 p.m. ET) Welcome to "Wake up, Wakefield." [TBS]
• NHL: Philadelphia Flyers at Pittsburgh Penguins (7:00 p.m., ET) Our hockey moms can beat up your hockey moms. [Versus]
• Movie: "Invincible" (7:30 p.m., ET). Boy, everything's going your way, huh, Philly? [FX]

• MLB: ALCS, Game 3, Tampa Bay Rays at Boston Red Sox (Right NOW!) Tazers on stun! [TBS]
• NHL: Vancouver Canucks at Washington Capitals (7:00 p.m., ET) Ovechkin cares not for your "goalies." [Versus]
• MLB: NLCS, Game 4, Philadelphia Phillies at Los Angeles Dodgers (8:22 p.m. ET). Manny thinks the guy at Starbucks handed his change back a little too far inside this morning. [Fox]
• NFL: Monday Night Football: New York Giants at Cleveland Browns (8:30 p.m., ET). When will Cleveland fans try a "brownout"? [ESPN]

• Classic Boxing: Holyfield/Bowe I and II. (8:30 ET) Wait, really? This is what we're reduced to? [ESPN]
• Series: "South Park"/"The Sarah Silverman Program", Season Premieres (10:00 ET) When you're not just sure ... you're HIV-positive. [Comedy Central]
• Movie: The Bodyguard (7:15 ET) [Oxygen] Seriously, just go out to eat or something.

• College Football: Troy vs. Florida Atlantic (8:00 ET) Agamemnon is pleased. [ESPN2]
•: Movie: "The Last Samurai" (8:00 ET) Despite the movie's flaws, the ninja attack scene is the most underrated action sequence in film history. Discuss. [AMC]
• Politics: Presidential Debate No. 2: Barack Obama vs. John McCain. (9:00 ET) This time ... it's personal. [All Networks]
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