The history of the Colorado Rockies is not that long, but they do have several cherished heroes whose names conjure happy memories of past glory. Mark Holliday. There was that Canadian guy. Dante.... I want to say Jenkins?

But the best hitter in Rockie history is, of course, the one and only Tim Hleton. Or is it Tom? Eh, it doesn't really matter. When you're sitting at that altitude, everything is a little fuzzy.

[Photo via Reader Brad]

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Whadda ya know? It's Saturday. Time to break out all nonsense I'm too proud to post during the work week. If you got anything on your mind just let me know.

In the interests of full disclosure, I wrote off the Rockies about two weeks ago. After a series of insulting remarks, I buried a Rockies pennant in a shallow grave just off of Interstate 5, and moved on with my life. Now, I am on the verge of losing several bets. Damn it! If you want to crown 'em, crown 'em! It's all Todd Helton's fault, you know. Helton joined the Rockies in 1997 —although he didn't unpack his beard until the following year — and has never played in a post-season game. So that's why it's kind of cool that his sixth-inning homer helped propel Colorado over the Dodgers. Brad Hawpe had three hits and four RBI for the Rockies, who trail first-place Arizona in the NL West by two games and are one game behind San Diego in the wild card, tied with the Phillies and Mets. The Rockies and Diamondbacks open a season-ending three-game series at Coors Field today. Do you smell a distinct, Warriors-vs.-Mavericks kind of vibe here? Yes, I believe! Send me a t-shirt! Of course, the Rockies have the Dodgers to thank for their dramatic troop surge. Seven of Colorado's wins in the streak have come over LA, which has lost 10 of its past 11. Colorado won the season series over the Dodgers 12-6. Rookie Franklin Morales (3-2), allowed four hits and three runs in five-plus innings to earn the win.

• How The West Will Be Won. The various NL playoff scenarios are endless, so take a look for yourself, courtesy of the Denver Post. At least now there's no chance of a five-way tie.

• License To Kill Gophers, By The Government Of The United States. A pretty funny interview with Bill Murray today at Chicago Sports, in which he assures Cubs fans that they will indeed prevail in the Central. Excerpt: "Would the Cubs be the Cubs if they lost the World Series? That's sick thinking. You've got to watch out for people like that. I should be watching you. Maybe you want to talk to me later about what's going on in your life." The Cubs stranded 10 runners and were swept by the last-place Marlins, losing 6-4 on Thursday. The Brewers also lost, 9-5 to the Padres, to remain two games behind Chicago.

• Max Mercy Disapproves. Fire Joe Morgan questions the wisdom of the Rangers playing the theme to The Natural over the PA system after Sammy Sosa home runs, and I have to agree. The Savoy Special was not corked, dammit! Although The Whammer did take copious amounts of HGH.

Pro sports have always had its share of lunatics. From T.O., to Tyson, to O.J., to Demetrius Underwood, to everybody's favorite freakout artist, Joe Mikulik, crazy comes in all shapes and sizes. Handicapping the next implosion should be easy, but I've made it tougher on myself to keep things a little less obvious.

There are so many different permutations of crazy. For example, Clinton Portis' brand of batshit lunacy almost falls on the side of genius, more so than say, Albert Belle running over Trick-or-Treaters. For the sake of these odds, all those with a longstanding history of nutjobbery are exempt, given that it'll be tough to differentiate between playful banter and bipolar disorder/sociopathy for those people in the near future.

But I'm donning the handicapping strait jacket anyway to pull together a short list of athletes that haven't completely derailed up to this point, but are a great bet to do so in the near future. Off the rocker we go, after the jump.

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Michelle Wie: 2/1

That one shot of her being wheeled away from the Open said so much: This is a young girl on the brink of a breakdown. Pressure from parents, publicists and sponsors has Wie primed for a Capriattiville. Yes, it'll be couched as "exhaustion," but pretty soon she'll be ditching tournaments and public appearances, hanging around with the cast of Wassup Rockers at Chateau Marmount and using her ball markers to clean out her tin foil bowl. But, come to think of it, that would make her totally hot. I can't wait.

Carmelo Anthony: 3/1

This is a very strong play. His propensity for weed and moonlighting in gangster films raised a few eyebrows, but there's still the babyface (and babyfat) that kind of keeps Melo on the safe side of crazy. However, the ball-in-the-stands tantrum of last year is a tell-tale signs that there's a blow-up of Artestian proportions on the horizon. I'm thinking Melo's a few more spliffs away from going Last Boy Scout on the court next year.

Todd Helton: 4/1

Don't let his public embracing of Christianity fool you: there's a diabolical mind at work behind that kind-hearted grin. The "prayer meetings," his personable nature and his gentleness toward handicapped children are all fronts. Pretty soon, Helton will take the Jesus-speak to the next level and become MLB's version of Kirk Cameron. Have you seen Left Behind? I'm convinced Helton has a secret door in the Rockies dugout that'll serve as a fallout shelter for the coming apocalypse.

Roger Federer: 7/1

Federer is probably the closest thing to Ivan Drago in professional sports right now. His effortless dominance is not what's worrisome, but more so his girlfriend and manager Mirka Vavrinec. She has a very steely-eyed, domineering presence (cough, Bridgette Nielsen, cough), who seems to have a mesmerizing power over Federer beyond girlfriend/managerial. If Federer loses his number one ranking, Vavrinec will completely drive him insane, most likely resulting in a month-long bender and some spousal abuse allegations. He's probably too nice of a guy to close-fisted on Mirka, but a rough shove, some property damage and walking aimlessly through busy intersections seems very likely.

• 1. Was Hurdle Rocky Mountain High? As much as we dislike sleeveless jerseys, especially black ones, we'll still point out that Colorado beat San Diego on Tuesday 3-2. But we have question. Why was Todd Helton — who has all the speed of of Mr. French from Family Affair — not lifted for a pinch runner after walking with one out in the 11th? He ended up scoring, after some hairy moments when he could have been thrown out at second, and again at home. Clint Hurdle, you got some splainin' to do ...

• 2. Oh Randy, Well You Came And You Gave Without Taking ... But I Sent You Away, Oh Randy ... As you remember from last week's episode, Randy Johnson felt wan and achy during a five-inning, 87-pitch stint against the Royals, which the Yankees eventually won 9-3. On Tuesday he only went 3 1/3 innings, gagging a four-run lead in a 10-5 loss to the Blue Jays. Troy Glaus went 3-for-4 with two homers, three RBIs and three runs scored for Toronto.

• 3. Talk Like A Pirate Day. Albert Pujols is a specimen, arrived on this planet in a small rocket ship after his own world exploded to bits. But the Pirates, they can deal with it. The Cardinals' Pujols hit his 10th home run — matching Mark McGwire's team record for the month of April — but Pittsburgh countered with homers by Jason Bay and Jeromy Burnitz to run off with a 12-4 victory. It was only the 11th time in 32 games that the Pirates have beaten the Cards in Pittsburgh.

• 4. Tough Crowd. OK, we promise that after today we're going to shut up about the Mets for a while. They started 10-2, the best record in franchise history, even though depleted by injuries. But was that enough to put the Shea Faithful into a good mood? Apparently not. New York starter Victor Zambrano was booed mercilessly on Tuesday, lasting five innings and surrendering seven earned runs in Atlanta's 7-1 win.

• 5. Where's A Power Outage When You Need One?. The Kiss-Cam will be used responsibly, or the Kiss-Cam will not be used at all. That's the announcement we'd like to see at Minute Maid Park, where someone decided it would be fun to show former President George Bush smooching with his wife Barbara on the big screen, where kids could see it and everything. Fortunately there was plenty of action on the field to serve as distraction, with the Astros collecting 17 hits in a 13-12 win over the Brewers (Adam Everett 3-for-4 with 4 RBI).