Deadspin: tom cruise

The Detroit Lions Win The Weekend

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 10:30:44 EDT

In sports, everybody is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like the Detroit Lions, who won the weekend by not being friends with Tom Cruise. Detroit City is fixed!

In any other season, this is just two less than mediocre teams playing out the string. (Yes, in Week 3.) But the Lions did not have a horrific collapse this time. Their quarterback was competent and—dare I say it?—poised. (But Matt ... please don't stick your tongue out like that again. Ever.) Their defense managed a couple of decent stops. Tackles were made, passes were not dropped and Detroit is 1-2. Huzzah!

I don't think anyone in Detroit believes that this "changes everything." This team is still a long way from being decent. This is not the start of a meteoric rise to a Super Bowl dynasty. There will be many more setbacks before the year is out. (And William Clay Ford is not suddenly redeemed. Or "classy".) But for the first time in the two years, the Lions and their fans can be the ones to say, "At least we're not those guys." (The Redskins are doing some serious soul searching today and probably aren't finding much to look at.)

The moral of the story, as always, is don't invite Tom Cruise to hang out on your sideline before the game. It only makes your mission more impossibler.

Mitch Albom: Blacked out, knocked down … Lions arise! [Detroit Free Press]
Detroit revels in rare chance to rejoice [Washington Times]
Lions finally get 'King Kong' off their back [Dan Wetzel]
Detroit Lions Get First Win Since 2007! [Sports Climax]
Washington Football: The Ultimate Story Line Victims [Stet Sports]
Game's On. Will Tom Cruise Jinx it? [NBC Washington]
[Photo via Detroit Free Press]

* * * * *

Here are some other big winners, who did not win quite as big:

Tim Tebow: Is there any way "The Immaculate Headache" doesn't increase his legend tenfold? The man cured swine flu! [TimTeblog]

Iowa Hawkeyes: Actually, they win any weekend where the schedule reads "Penn State." It's required by the Patriot Act. [Black Heart Gold Pants]

Kevin Kolb: First quarterback in NFL history to throw for 300+ yards in each of his first two career starts. Why don't you write a press release about that, PETA? [Sporting News]

BCS Haters: Boise State is now ranked fifth in both polls. Paging LeGarrette Blount! [USA Today]

Phil Mickelson: In your face, cancer. [Telegraph]

Farewell And Adieu To You Fair Spanish Ladies

rickchand — Mon, 18 Jun 2007 12:45:35 EDT

Just in case David Beckham has any ideas about sticking around in Europe, Tom Cruise and wife Katie Holmes were on hand to make sure that he gets on that plane for LA. Sunday's farewell game was a magical moment for Beckham's rooting section (that's Victoria toting Imp Spice next to the Cruises), as the Galaxy-bound player was removed from the game with his team, Real Madrid, trailing 1-0. They went on to beat Real Mallorca 3-1 for the Spanish League title. Oh, Rafael Nadal was also there.

Just to make doubly sure that Beckham has no second thoughts about leaving, Cruise is equipped with one of those memory eraser pen things from Men In Black. We estimate that Katie must have been zapped with that device, oh, like five hundred times in the past calendar year.

Not Even $100 Could Keep David [The Mirror]
Beckham Enjoys Winning End To Real Career [ABC Sport]
Beckham Bows Out With Liga Title [BBC]

Tom Cruise Has His Hooks Into The Beckhams

mjdeadspin — Sun, 19 Nov 2006 18:10:00 EST

Poor David Beckham. He had his heart set on attending the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes wedding until the evil bastards that run Real Madrid told him to get his ass back to the team. He's dealing with a knee injury and thought he'd go enjoy the nuptials, but his coach wasn't going for it. He ordered him back to the team, and that's where he is. Victoria, you'll be relieved to know, attended in his absence.

But here's the bigger concern at the moment. There are rumors that Cruise has the Beckhams into Scientology, the wackjob religion he used to brainwash Katie Holmes and force her to marry him. Now, I don't want to tell the Beckhams what they can and can't worship, but when Beckham arrives in the MLS, I don't want his effectiveness to be limited because Xenu shot a magic laser beam into his goddamn eyeballs after because Becks missed his monthly payment.

Sorry. I'm being glib. But to become better acquainted with the dynamic personality that is David Beckham, check out this YouTube interview with Ali G.

Beckham passes on Cruise-Holmes wedding [Soccernet]
Ali-G Interviews Posh Spice and David Beckham [YouTube]
Has Cruise Converted the Beckhams? [ContactMusic.com]