It's usually because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy...

Good Thing He Didn't Wake Up, Or He Would Have Gone After You

Hello, I have two clear pictures of Jay Mariotti passed out on my friends couch during his after party at approximately 7 am last Saturday/Sunday morning(ed. Note. This is from September). Please let me know ASAP if your interested in obtaining these photos.

This Says A Lot About New York City's Public School System

My name is kareem rivers and I plain on goin to your college for many
reason to be a coach and be a basketball player iam very good in
basketball I my school I use to go to is franklin k lane high school
iama point guard and my coach names is peter banta contact him if u
interesting in a nother basketball player
—shawnprettyboy16

It's Just Not The Same

Subject: "Baby Mangiano"

Zombie Dirk

Sent from my iPhone

Sir, You Are An Idiot

I've been reading deadspin every morning since Berman was chasing leather. I've defended countless posts on your site as relevant to sports or that sports stars should be held to a higher standard. But I cannot even begin to understand how you could possibly think posting about someone's Mom committing suicide has any relevance to anyone other than the family and friends that surely have had to deal with one of the most painful experiences of their lives. There is nothing to be gained here but a few page visits and that is pathetic. I am ashamed of everyone I've been sending to your site for the past decade and I will never return until this post is rescinded.

The Sports Fella Fans Are Vocal

You guys should change the name of your website from Deadspin to "We wish we were Bill Simmons but we are not, so we are going to take pot shots and write jealous columns about him.com".
This is so transparent its not even funny. I wrote Dash about this a couple weeks ago and he said that he hadn't written any columns about the "The Sports Fella" that were truly negative. I guess we would have to argue over the definition of a negative article, but when it begins by mocking the guys nickname its not hard to guess where the rest of the column goes from there. I agree with everyting you guys say about the WWL, don't get me wrong, but Simmons is not on that team. He's not Bristol..
How about this: Simmons is entertaining (and just killing the much sought after younger male demo that most sites would sell thier wives and children for), Deadspin is entertaining also.
Leave it at that. Because while trying to prop your site up as being a true no BS site meanwhile shitting on Simmons every chance you get; you lose a shit ton of cred when you go after a dude who most of your readers find to be a funny and entertaining writer.
Who fucking cares what Simmons is doing? One word answer. Deadspin.

His book isn't some definitive telling of the game of basketball. Nothing with that much humor and smart ass in it can be judged with that set of criteria. Its one fans argument against another one. Nothing different than what happens in every bar on a Friday or Saturday night. The only difference is is that Simmons writes his stuff down. If people buy the book great, but don't go after it for something that its not.
By the way, I am a 27 year old male, work downtown Chicago and I don't get emails from buddies to alert me when Charles P. Pierce writes a new article (Who, oh the guy with middle initial, right, that guy).... I'm just saying. Love the website outside of all the "Sports Fella" BS though, thanks and keep killing it,
Austin

Definitely Should Be Part Of The Budget In 2010

I mean- I know you guys work for gawker, but conservatives really like sports too (besides NASCAR). I'm trying to convince the Packers that I'm the change at GM that they can believe in. We want Rush to own a football team, Shilling to be elected to Congress Linda McMahon to be elected to the senate etc..and since the WWL has some of the biggest libs working for it, it'd be a new avenue to hate them on. Seriously the liberal bias of ESPN may be worse than MSNBC. I know you all don't blog politically very often, I'm just asking for a little conservative spin.

Got a ladyfriend? Thinking of popping the question to her? Good for you. Now, it's time for you to do your homework. You'd hate to marry your girlfriend without realizing that she has a secret zipper running down the back of her body, and that upon marriage she will unzip this skin suit and reveal that she is actually BEASTULA: VAMPIRE HYDRA QUEEN OF THE FIFTH CIRCLE. It does happen from time to time. Consult the "Succubus" episode of "South Park" for a refresher course.

I am not one of these people who thinks every woman out there is a raving nutjob. As I've said before, I think women are usually the ones who end up getting hosed in the whole marriage deal. They have to give birth. They usually have to do more of the child work. They get less real estate in the bed. They have to fuck men. It's not a pleasant thing. But that doesn't mean guys can't end up getting screwed as well. Here now are ten questions you should politely and discreetly ask any woman before you go ring shopping. YOU COULD TEXT MESSAGE HER THESE! SHE'D LOVE IT!

1. Can we live together for a period of at least one year prior to marriage?

Oh, are you Catholic? Don't like the idea of living in sin? Awww, that's so quaint. You're a fucking moron. Man or woman, you better damn well know if you enjoy the day-to-day experience of living with your potential spouse before you decide to get hitched. And the whole, "Well, we see each other all the time. We pretty much live together anyway," thing is WRONG. It's so terribly wrong. If you have your own place, that means you can GET AWAY.

2. Can we please be married for a period of three years before we begin trying to have children?

No woman will actually agree to three years. Strictly a bargaining point. Ideally, you negotiate down to two, one in a worst-case scenario. Are you marrying a woman over the age of 30? You're fucked. She'll throw away her blister pack of Yasmin two months before your wedding night. But if you're marrying a woman in her twenties, IMPLORE her to give you some time before kids come and ruin everything. Travel. Eat. Have lots of sex. Spend money on retarded things. You can do all that before you have kids. Get as much of that time as possible. Otherwise, you'll have kids, you'll pass each other in the night, and you'll ask yourself, "Hey, WHO THE FUCK IS THIS PERSON?"

3. I know we aren't going to have as much sex once we get married, but exactly how much sex will we NOT have?

Varies by woman. However, as a guideline, I'd take the number of times you have sex a month right now, divide that number by five, and then multiply it by zero. That'll give you a solid idea of how much future sex is in store for you.

4. If I agree to be the breadwinner in the family, will you accept that sometimes I have to DO FUCKING WORK in order to win said bread?

Happens to some men out there. They get married, they get a job, they have a shitload of kids, and then wifey is on the phone at 2PM every day saying, "HEY, I NEED YOU TO COME HOME." Or, "Couldn't you take a day off or something?" Well, no. No, that isn't how it works. In order to live, we need MONEY. Which means we have to fucking work, sometime late! We're not out a titty bar. We're not golfing. We're really, truly, legitimately working. And we'll be right home, unless you delay our work by calling every ten fucking minutes.

5. Do you cook? Or clean? Are you mildly proficient in home economics?

Again, this question works for both sexes. Don't marry some lazy bitch (or asshole) who won't fucking do anything.

6. Have we broken up several times before?

Yes? Then you're going to end up getting fucking divorced.

7. Do you take any medication for depression, particularly manic depression? What happens if you don't take it?

Oh, I'll tell you what happens if they don't take it. Your severed penis in a recycling bin.

8. I'm going to do my damnedest to provide for you and our children. But I can't guarantee we'll ever be rich or anything. Is that good enough for you?

Because it isn't, for some ladies. Some ladies will expect you to become CEO of Prestige Worldwide by age 37. When I worked in advertising, I had a lunatic ex-girlfriend who constantly demanded that I try and find a job in finance. Avoid women like this, women who could give two shits about you following your passions and seeing where they lead. Women like that are horrid.

9. I like lots of sports and music and movies that you probably don't. Will you not try and get me to unlove those things?

In other words, do you want to marry me, or do you want to marry some wet dream version of me? Because I'll never be that fucking person. Marriage is acceptance. You either accept the person, warts and all, or you don't. If your girlfriend is going to marry you hoping you'll become some other person who doesn't listen to Slayer and jack off three times a day, you may as well let her ass down easy now.

10. Would you mind signing this?

It's something that you need to have because if she leave yo ass she gon leave with HALF.

What it all boils down to is if you're marrying someone who's as dedicated to YOUR happiness as you are to theirs. Because if it ain't even, then you're fucked. Forever. I'm sure I forgot millions more, including any and all questions about the history of the Baltimore Colts. Our commenters will fill you in.

The first tip came in this morning from an anonymous emailer:

Heard from a former colleague at ESPN this morning that David Berson is being relieved of all of his responsibilities. I asked the person who told me this if they thought it had to do with the Deadspin coverage of his affair, and they said yes.

You may want to check in with Bristol for an official response. Or maybe try to get in touch with Berson directly for a comment.

ESPN has not emailed back for comment yet. Berson's ex-wife, Jane, also has no comment after trying to be reached by phone.

UPDATE: Katey Lacey, also out at ESPN. Bristol justice.

ESPN's comment: "At the expiration of their contracts, neither will be renewed."

The back channel rumblings on this move: According to sources/snitches, Berson is being moved out of his current lofty perch (he was, at one point, ranked the 73rd "most influential" person in sports according to Business Week) but if this does have anything to do with the public confirmation of his affair with Lacey, what does that say about some of the other powerhouses at ESPN engaged in similar indiscretions. You know, like Jed Drake. Or MNF Producer Jay Rothman, who's out-in-the-open affair with a popular on-air personality has been part of Bristol lore for quite some time now.

Observe:

18 years working for ESPN (though only 3 at CT HQ), and just wanted to share a couple of things

1) Jed Drake (head of remote production) has a favorite phrase, "Use your best judgment at all times."

2) In one of the most notorious liaisons Jay Rothman, MNF producer (formerly SNF) temporarily left his wife and 4 kids for a very public fling with sideline reporter Suzy Kolber a few years back. I'm sure many others can substantiate this. I'm obviously not going on record.

Plenty of good people at ESPN, these are two of the worst.

ESPN sources confirmed the affair between Rothman/Kolber but say it is no longer ongoing nor did it compromise the MNF broadcast in anyway. Meaning, no she didn't get more airtime when she was doing Mr. Rothman. Then why do it, Suzy?

Do those guys get canned, too? Guess not.

The ESPN Women ERG have their work cut out for them.

The memo, in full:

Our Workplace

Top Story 11/19/09 @ 3:33 PM - Updated: 11/20/09 @ 10:09 AM

A message from George Bodenheimer

My recent ITK message addressed a series of issues and allegations related to workplace behavior at ESPN. It reflected the pride and passion I feel for the work we do and the disappointment that follows when we fail to live up to the high standards of conduct expected of every employee. As we move ahead, we are taking numerous steps to enhance our efforts to maintain a company that shows care and respect for all employees and is free of harassment of any kind. If you have concerns, bring them forward. I assure you we will fully address any circumstance in which we are not living up to our commitment, especially those related to alleged sexual improprieties or discriminatory conduct.

Managers will be held fully accountable for reporting and acting upon inappropriate workplace behavior. Any leader who fails to act responsibly in this regard or whose leadership capability is compromised by their own conduct will not be a part of our Company's future. Our goal is simply stated: for each of us to represent ESPN every day with class, dignity and integrity.

In addition to the measures we already have in place, which can be accessed on ITK , below are some of further steps we will take:

• more frequent and prominent dissemination and discussion of our Standards of Conduct policies

• more frequent, in-person mandatory workplace behavior training at every level

• prominent publication of our employee Hotline number (where employees can anonymously report any concerns) and the list and contact numbers of our HR employee relations specialists

• a complete review of the workplace environment for all entry level positions with particular focus on studio and remote production staffing

• continued engagement of our Employee Resource Groups (ERGs) to provide on-going feedback and assistance in training, mentoring and guiding employees

These are all top-line descriptions of our efforts and HR will be following up over the next 90 days with details. I am confident that positive results will follow.

Thank you all for your support. I want to especially thank the ESPN Women ERG for its advice and counsel over these past weeks — your perspective has been tremendously helpful.

We have a great company full of hard working, kind, dedicated and generous people. Your efforts and unerring commitment are the foundation of our culture and the keys to ESPN's continuing success.

Here's the email from our tipster who witnessed what (allegedly) went down. [Sic'd]:

last night was at an Akira fashion show at Underground Bar here in Chicago (my friend was in it). After it was over, we were having a drink and I end up seeing Jay Mariotti. (odd since I saw him about 3 weeks ago as well. Tis rare to have a Mariotti sighting here). He is with these two blond girls. (not hot). so he is getting all cozy with one of them being a complete creep. Kind of grinding and shit while giving back rubs. So just casually i said to this dude, who had no clue who mariotti was, that he was a national sports writer on espn....etc. So the kid takes a picture of him with his iphone.

Mariotti sees him and flips out. He is trying to get his phone to delete the photo. The kid is not budging. Keeps telling Mariotti "get the fuck away from me....i didn't take your picture loser." Mariotti wouldn't stop. So he lunges at the kid and tries to snatch the iphone. This started a scuffle between the two. A random girl was punching Mariotti on the head while the pushing and shoving was going on. The bouncers come flying in and take down Jay to the ground. Laid out flat on the floor with a gigantic 300 pound lineman type laying on him. Mariotti then gets the bums rush while yelling and screaming about how it wasn't his fault the whole time.

it was incredible. not sure what happened next , but i thought it was a funny situation.

We emailed Mariotti. He hasn't responded. Also, a rep from Underground Bar who was at the show last night said that he saw nothing "out of the ordinary" happen but also admitted he had no idea who Jay Mariotti was.

Our initial emailer is working on getting us the (alleged) photo snapped by his buddy. We'll keep you updated.

Here's what Paige wrote:

I give my opinion, which is based on sound information, thoughtful research and observation, unlike some kid in Arizona who is a Broncos fan and writes a blog, without proper grammar or punctuation or understanding, from his mom's laundry room and think [hilariously, awesomely sic] he knows what he's talking about, and people actually pay attention.

Aside from the fact that Paige has graciously moved the locus of blogging from mom's basement to mom's laundry room (as is often the case with these jokes, the blogger sadly appears to live in a fatherless home), it's the same old gag. You know the one. Blogger, underwear, mother's house. What follows is a collection, by no means exhaustive, of the bonnest mots flung by mainstream sports media in the direction of the blogosphere over the years. Print these out. Savor them. Read them in your underwear while holding down some couch springs in your mother's basement. I thinks you'll like them.

The Loop, Pioneer Press: "The Washington Post fired reporter Michael Tunison after learning of his raunchy posts on the 'Kissing Suzy Kolber' sports blog. Tunison is expected to join the rest of the sports bloggers in their mothers' basements."

The Loop, Pioneer Press: "The NCAA reversed course and will allow bloggers in the press box to file live updates from tournament games. It's a huge victory for the bloggers, giving them yet another reason to get out of their mother's basement."

Bob Costas, NBC: "It's one thing if somebody just sets up a blog from their mother's basement in Albuquerque and they are who they are, and they're a pathetic get-a-life loser, but now that pathetic get-a-life loser can piggyback onto someone who actually has some level of professional accountability and they can be comment No. 17 on Dan Le Batard's column or Bernie Miklasz' column in St. Louis."

Dan Shaughnessy, Boston Globe, writing in the voice of a blogger: "I'm living at home, in the basement, rent free, and I've got cable and plasma TV. Domino's delivers. I guess you could say I'm living the dream."

Scott Bordow, East Valley Tribune: "[Jim] Calhoun will have his defenders, of course, Huskies' loyalists who believe the story was a media smear job; some might even take Calhoun's tack that he doesn't read blogs, as if one of the most popular Web sites in the country is run by some kid wearing pajamas and writing from his basement."

Greg Couch, Chicago Sun-Times: "Look, independent blogs are not reliable news sources. They're entertaining. I read them. Some have credibility, others might be some guy in his underwear in the basement. But we can't tell the difference."

Ed Hardin, Greensboro News & Record: "[Dustin] Long is the president of the National Motorsports Press Association, not some blogger in his parents' basement."

Geoff Baker, The Seattle Times: "And the ability to think about those things beforehand, truly, is what separates real journalists — serious ones, not Jason Blair types — from basement bloggers."

Mark Bechtel, Sports Illustrated: "Remember the good old days, when sports bloggers were potty-mouthed reprobates who fired off ill-informed rants from a couch in their parents' basement?"

David Wharton, Los Angeles Times: "Critics have portrayed [bloggers] differently: the rabid fan sitting at a computer in his parents' basement, in his pajamas, spewing opinion."

Frank Fitzpatrick, The Philadelphia Inquirer: "Assuming George Mitchell doesn't find any grounds to shut it down prematurely, the 2006 baseball season is just days away. That means that for the next six months baseball fans have a license to behave like bloggers — sitting around their dens in their underwear, staring blankly at a screen, pontificating on subjects they know nothing about."

Frank Fitzpatrick, The Philadelphia Inquirer: "An Eagles fan named Enrico Campitelli Jr. decided to do a live blog while watching the Eagles-Texans season opener on Sunday. Not sure what Campitelli's credentials are — not that blogging requires anything more than a computer and a pair of pajamas."

Phil Reisman, The Journal News: "It may be time for Minaya to go, but not for any racist reasons put forth by mouth breathers who live in their parents' basements."

Jason Lieser, Palm Beach Post: "Mike Florio defies almost every stereotype affixed to bloggers. No braces. No pimples. No sitting in his underwear tapping away in his parents' basement."

Glenn Reeves, San Mateo County Times : "Leitch rarely loses sight. After all, he has a 10-second commute every day to where he works, making up jokes and typing in his underwear."

Jay Mariotti, Chicago Sun-Times: "Web sites peek around corners like sewer rats, operated by weirdos who live in their parents' basements, pretend to be experts and break 'stories' that gullible people actually believe."

Rick Morrissey, Chicago Tribune: "I'll give Mariotti this: Whether he realizes it or not, he might have been the nation's first blogger, without actually writing one. He has led the way by not leading the way to the locker room or the clubhouse. He writes what he wants without ever talking to a soul. The only difference is he travels often to events, unlike bloggers, many of whom sit in their underwear all day and update, update, update."

Tony Kornheiser, The Tony Kornheiser Show: "In fact, in fact, if a huge dumpster landed on their mother's house (cackling), and got all the way into the basement and crushed them (more cackling), nobody would care. Nobody would miss them."

Sam Smith, Chicago Tribune: "How is it I can work for decades developing contacts around the NBA and traveling regularly around the NBA and talking with the decision makers and some guy in his basement in his underwear is writing something that has credibility?"

Pat Forde, ESPN: "Everyone wants to be Bill Simmons, but to my knowledge there's only one him. Two hundred thousand bloggers cracking wise from their living room in their underwear all want to be the next Simmons, but how many of them are being paid (handsomely) to do it?"

Rick Reilly, ESPN: "I've been doing this 31 years, for a living, I feel like I go out there, I'm in the locker rooms, I'm in the clubhouses, I'm meeting these guys, I'm hearing what they are saying, whatever. It seems to me a guy like that has a little more valued opinion than some schmo who, as I say, is holding down couch springs on his mom's basement."

Rick Reilly, ESPN: "There's some good journalism, and some really horrible crap on there from guys holding down the couch springs in their mother's basement that have never been in a lockerroom but are pining on this and that. And this gives them cache [sic], and then they're being quoted? What? This guy is in his underwear."

Rick Reilly, ESPN: "I don't really care what people holding down couch springs do or say."

Illustration by Rob Zammarchi, via The Boston Phoenix

At a Wisconsin National Guard camp outside Baghdad, detainees have learned the effectiveness of bringing up number 4 in taunting the soldiers. How this wasn't specifically covered in the Geneva Convention, I'll never know.

They know Favre by name," said First Lieutenant Tim Boehnen, who is from New Richmond, Wis.

"One of the big words they know now is shenanigans. They'll constantly talk about 'Favre shenanigans,' 'He's so good for the Vikings,' and 'The Packers have got to really feel bad about that one.' "

"They obviously then started up the conversations, and started talking about Brett Favre. They soon learned about Favre going to the Vikings, and things just started going downhill from there."

Detainees are reportedly also bringing up Ryan Grant's diminishing YPC average, showing soldiers the Aaron Rodgers Sack Tracker, and teasing them about drafting Greg Jennings when Brandon Marshall was still on the board.

Detainees at Camp in Iraq Use Favre To Tease Wisconsin Soldiers [WTMJ]

It seems like it was only two years ago (it was two years ago) that Our Captain was seen sunning himself on the beach with a face full of Jessica Biel's squat-enhanced rump. Before that, it was those busty teenage girls. This year, it's Minka Kelly from "Friday Night Lights", sprawled out on a dock in St. Bart's as Our Captain watches the tide roll away, wasting time.

If anything, these photos should make pudgy journos reconsider that sentimental MVP vote again because, you know, fuck that guy.

Gallery at PopSugar

*****

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Keep Barry warm tonight.

No time to waste this week, everyone. We're a mere week away from THANKSFUCKINGIVING, and I'm about to blow my stuffing.

Just a couple weeks ago, we had a pre-Thanksgiving at my in-laws. Everyone came over early on Sunday afternoon. There were appetizers out on the table, including chips and beer and what not. And my wife's mom made meatloaf and two kinds of potatoes and all this cool shit. It wasn't quite Thanksgiving. But it was juuust close enough in resemblance to be fucking awesome, and to get me jazzed for the real deal. And there was football on. AND BEER. Best of all, there were grandparents around to look after the goddamn kids, so I could go watch football uninterrupted. If you have kids, you know how important having an extra pair of hands around is. I'd let Charles Manson into my home if he agreed to look after the kid for ten minutes. I tell you, it's BLISS.

Anyway, I highly recommend the pre-Thanksgiving to all of you with family close by. Now, onto the Jamboroo.

The Games
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.

Five Throwgasms

Jets at Patriots: By now, the Belichick fourth down gamble has been dissected from every angle possible, and the consensus is that A) Mathematically speaking, he was right to go for it, and B) He did a shitty job burning timeouts prior to the play, leaving him unable to challenge the Faulk catch. So he made a good call, but he doesn't get completely off the hook for it. While I delight in any failure Belichick experiences in his life, it's sad to know that future coaches will encounter similar situations somewhere down the line, remember the heat Belichick took, and decide to punt the ball.

That blows, because there's nothing more exciting than plays like that one, where the coach decides to say FUCK IT and goes for the win. What Belichick did wasn't all that different from a coach deciding to go for two at the end of a game, instead of kicking the PAT to send the game into overtime. Tom Osborne did that eons ago against Miami in the 1984 Orange Bowl, and failed. Mike Tice and Mike Shanahan both did it in the NFL this decade, and succeeded (NOTE: Tice's call came in the midst of a losing season, with no playoff berth at stake). All three of those coaches, even Osborne, got respect for their decisions. Belichick is taking more heat, because he's an asshole. But I appreciate that asshole for making things pretty interesting. Too bad he'll be the last coach to ever try it.

This game is the best late game on Sunday. If you're like me, you enjoy falling asleep right around the half of any 4:15 game and waking up sometime shortly after the fourth quarter has started. There's nothing like that post nap feeling, where you wake up on the couch, and you're under a blanket, and everything is warm and comfy. It's a delight. You usually have to go piss, but you don't want to because you're so snug and happy. Sometimes, you fall BACK asleep, for the double nap. Double naps rule.

Sometimes, I fall asleep during the 4:15 game and wake up right during the local news update at the half, which completely confuses me. What happened? Is the game already over? Is it 11PM? WHAT YEAR IS THIS?!

Chargers at Broncos: You know who'd be a kickass phone sex operator? That Barefoot Contessa lady. Sure, she's an uppity Hamptons cunt, but she's definitely got that Kathleen Turner phone sex operator voice. FLINTY. Oh, I'll make outrageous brownies with you, all right.

Also, NO MORE BYE WEEKS! FUCK YEAH! We made it! Nothing but wall-to-wall sixteen game weekends for the next month and a half. Enjoy it everyone, because it always ends much sooner than you'd like. THE ONGOING MARCH OF TIME BLOWS.

Colts at Ravens: Rich Eisen called it two weeks ago. Ed Reed refuses to run back an interception without lateraling. It's awesome. He's the best lateraler the game has ever seen. Apologies to Frank Wycheck.

Four Throwgasms

Falcons at Giants: I keep seeing ads for Tori Amos' Christmas album. That is the world's most unlikely artist to ever release a Christmas album. Even a Cat Stevens Christmas album would be less surprising. I know Dylan has one out now, but that's NOTHING compared to the idea of Tori Amos doing a Christmas album. I swear the ads for it look like an SNL sketch. Here are some of the song titles from the album.

-"A Silent Night With You"
-"Candle: Conventry Carol"
-"Merry Christmas. I Was Raped."

Three Throwgasms

Titans at Texans: It's not completely insane to think the Titans could end up running the table. They could beat Indy and San Diego, the two toughest teams they have left. Chris Johnson is laying waste to everything in sight right now. And the defense is solid now that Cortland Finnegan is back. When he was out, the Titans lost three games by an average of 33 points. GOD BLESS THAT FEISTY LITTLE FRECKLED BLACK IRISHMAN.

Dolphins at Panthers: Winner gets to .500! Tonight! Neat!

49ers at Packers: I still don't know what Mike Singletary's job is in that Verizon ad. Is he trying to direct the mob? Because he's failing. NEIL PATRICK HARRIS JUST BLEW RIGHT BY YOU, GOD BOY.

Eagles at Bears: I said earlier this week that I get weirded out when people do cocaine in front of me. Know what else freaks me out? Coke pinkies. You know the ones. Those slimy guys who grow one pinky nail extra long so they can use it as a coke spoon? That's creepy as shit. Sometimes you see that coke pinky on a cab driver, and you know he's about to run twelve red lights.

Two Throwgasms

Redskins at Cowboys: The only thing more boring than when the Redskins lose is when they win. DC people are somewhat happy. No signs are confiscated. No one's threatening to jam a fork into Snyder's asshole. Everyone gets excited because Portis finally got hurt. BORING.

Earlier this year, Jay Mariotti, who is retarded, castigated Tony Romo for wearing his hat backwards. He considered this a sign that Romo took far too casual an attitude towards his performances. This is, of course, an idiotic line of reasoning. HOWEVER, it should be noted that, last week, after losing to Green Bay, Romo wore a newsboy cap to his press conference. I don't care if you're fucking Obama, seeing any man in a newsboy cap makes me want to kick them in the face.

Bills at Jaguars: Congratulations to Dick Jauron for winning this year's First Coach Fired pool. Now he can go back to being dead. Which team will exhume him for d-coordinator duties next year? You'll just have to find out!

Seahawks at Vikings: During the Lions-Vikings telecast last week, they cut to a lady in the stands holding up a sign that said YOU BRETTCHA. Guhhhhhhh. STOP MAKING ME ASHAMED TO LIKE MY OWN TEAM, YOU HARPY.

One Throwgasm

Steelers at Chiefs: The Steelers have allowed a return touchdown in seven straight games. HOLY SHIT!

By the way, it's nice to see that Ben Roethlisberger maintains the exact same haircut schedule I had in college. He shaves his head, then lets it grow out until he's got little hairwings sprouting up all underneath his hat, then he has his friend do the number 2 cut on him again. It's the biannual haircut schedule. It's getting long again now. You can see the wisps sticking out under his helmet. His mom is totally gonna make him cut it. I swear to you, in about a week or so, he'll shave it all off, and his mom will get mad and say, "Why can't you get a NORMAL haircut? At a damn barbershop? Why do you always let your friends butcher you like this?"

Bengals at Raiders: The Raiders play in one of those stadiums where somehow half the field is in scorching bright daylight all game long, and the other half is in pitch black, I-have-lost-all-depth-perception darkness all game long. Cincy's home field is that way, too. I swear, you could go blind watching games on TV played in these stadiums. One second, Ocho is running through the dark part of the field, then he cuts, and your eyes follow him, and BOOM! Your eyeballs melt into your fucking skull. We need more dome teams. We really do. This is far too much sunlight for my tastes.

Browns at Lions: There are a lot of GEICO ads on during these games, and they always end with the tag, "15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance." Have you ever been on a phone with a company for fifteen minutes? It's anguish. Two minutes on hold, and I'm ready to throw the receiver against the fucking wall. It's so not worth saving 15% for that.

Saints at Bucs: From Mr. KOGOD comes the genius that is HIGHDEAS, the website that catalogs good ideas you have while you're high.

…Arby's specialize in Roast Beef sandwiches, Roast Beef, R B, Are Bee, Arby's, seriously I hope I blow at least 1000 minds with this one…

… i think it would be hella cool if people could slither around like a snake then when u lyin down on the couch after smokin and want sumfin but dont wanna get up u could just slither around…

…Wouldn't it be a great highDEA if Sarah Palin went parasailing and thereby and henceforth changed the name of the activity to be called "Parah sailin" forevermore?…

Indeed. When I used to get high, I used to think about smoking different foods. I envisioned finding a way to smoke chili, by wrapping it in cheesecloth bag and hanging it in a smokehouse. I was determined to have it canned and sell it and everything. AND I was going to make hot dog chili. Chili comprised entirely of hot dog meat. SMOKED.

I never really developed a business model for this. But it sounded AWESOME when I thought of it.

Cardinals at Rams

Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall

"Step Out," by Oasis. I hate the fact that I like Oasis. The Gallagher brothers are the two biggest assholes on Earth, without any charm to redeem them. They sample more than Diddy (The chorus to this song is lifted from "Uptight" by Stevie Wonder). And they haven't made a decent full album in 14 years. Also, they broke up for the millionth time this summer. They're immensely irritating people, and I hated them with every fiber of my being when "Wonderwall" hit back in the 90's. And yet, I'm now powerless to resist them. Everyone has a band they hated at first, and then came to obsess over. Oasis is mine. Stupid Noel and Liam. YOU RUINED PATSY KENSIT'S PERFECT BOOBS, LIAM.

Back when she was pregnant with our first kid, I took my wife to an Oasis show. It was so loud, she thought the sonic vibrations were going to cause her to have a miscarriage. She didn't, of course. But I like the idea of a band being loud enough to eject a fetus from my wife's body five months in advance. That would fucking rock.

Embarassing Album I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up

"Heart," by Heart. I had both this album and "Bad Animals," the one that had "Alone" on it. I remember when MTV used to count down the top 100 videos of all time. Every year, they'd switch up the top of the order just for shits and giggles. "Thriller" was usually #1, but I swear that there was a year when "These Dreams" took over the summit. That video looks retarded now. But back in the 80‘s, it was the coolest fucking thing I'd ever seen. HEXAGONAL DRUMS, PEOPLE. Still a good song.

There was a classical music station I used to listen to a long time ago. They used to play "Magic Man" every goddamn hour. I swear, that song is 35 minutes long. If you were unlucky, they'd also throw "Barracuda" into the mix with it. OOOOOH, BARRACUDA! I never need to hear those two songs ever again ever.

Open Mailbag Tuesdays
Got something you want displayed for show and tell in the Deadspin Tuesday Mailbag? Your debilitating cocaine addiction, perhaps? Email me any question or observation you like.

Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
I have to put Maurice Jones-Drew here, because surely his kneel-down at the one cost at least one person out there a fantasy game. But MJD has been a monster all season long, and he only knelt at the one because Eddie Money ordered him to. So really, it's Del Rio that deserves your scorn if he cost you the game last week. Stupid Del Rio. YOUR BRILLIANT STRATEGY MAY HAVE COST PEOPLE LIVES, YOU FUCK.

It would have been spectacularly amusing if the Jags had ended up missing that winning field goal, or having it blocked. You'd fully expect that sort of thing to happen to Jack Del Rio. In fact, it's a bizarre world where Del Rio's controversial strategy prevails and Belichick's fails spectacularly.

Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week's suicide pick of the Jets was incorrect, making me 8-2 on the year. That puts the Jets, Falcons, Bears, Colts, Eagles, Vikings, Texans, Ravens, Saints and Skins off the board now. We once again pick a team for your suicide pool and something that makes you WANT to commit suicide. This week's pick? Pittsburgh, and child car seats. They air ads now suggesting that all children must sit in booster car seats until they are 4'9". FOUR FOOT FUCKING NINE. There are Costases who never grow that high. It's completely out of control. I gotta keep a fucking booster seat in my car until my fucking kid is 15? And take it with us any time we travel? That's insane. I swear to you, 80% of your time being a dad consists of installing and uninstalling car seats. And adjusting the strap height, too. THE FUCKING BUCKLE ALWAYS FALLS INTO THE CREVICE. Stupid kids. Next time, I'm adopting an 18-year-old.

Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.

"This week, I like the Jets getting 10.5 points against New England on the road. I see Sarah Palin had a book come out this week. I like that lady. She embodies the hard-working, down home white folk that helped make America what it is today. Also, I'd finfuck her until her hair fell out."

2009 Nazi Shark Record: 6-4. Oooh, and check out KOGOD's link to the Fuck Yeah Sharks Tumblr. And Ufford has a link to NAZI DINOSAURS! NAZI FUCKING DINOSAURS! NAZI SHARK VS. NAZI DINOSAUR – WHO YA GOT?

This Week's Pants Party Winner
Last week's Pants Party winner was J. Mullins. He gets free rant space here:

I'm getting married on Nov. 14. As this posts I'm sitting on a beach in Mexico happy that I don't have to care if I can't watch the Bears get rolled by the Eagles Sunday. Fuck you Lovie Smith. And Jerry Angelo...some fucking talent this team has. Cutler might die b/c of this O-line. There's more holes in this Cover-2 than the number of f-bombs in a Jambaroo column. It's not a post Super Bowl loss hangover anymore...it's just pathetic. But at least I'm happily married. Now where's my turkey and pumpkin pie? Happy Thanksgiving to the rest of you assholes!

Awww, new love. He has NO FUCKING CLUE what's coming. This week's Pants Party winner was J. Ramirez. J. Ramirez, come and claim your prize. No, it's not permanent amnesty to the US. HEY-O!!!!

Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Dave chimes in with a story I call, "Poopy Hour":

A few years ago, I had gone out for a happy hour with some co-workers right after work, and then gone shopping for some clothes (rest assured, this is relevant). I had a few Guinnesses and your usual greasy bar fare. The next morning I had a bit of a hangover, but nothing that a cup of strong black coffee couldn't cure. I get into work, grab a cup of coffee and a bacon egg and cheese sandwich. After I finish, I sense the rumblings of a massive Guinness/Bar Grease/Coffee/Bacon shit in the pit of my stomach. I had nothing to read so I grab my Palm Pilot and proceed to the handicapped stall.

The shit's flowing nicely, I'm reading the news on my Palm when I drop it. It skids across to the next stall, and I get up fast with my pants still around my ankles to retrieve my Palm. Unbeknownst to me, a huge glop of shit had fallen on the floor when I got up. The back of my pants dropped right into that big glop of shit. Motherfucker!!

I carefully took them off and hung them up on the door. I emptied about half the toilet paper roll to clean up the shit on the floor and even from the tile grout. I put my pants back on carefully and started to clean them up with water and soap. This only sank the shit further into my pants. What made it worse was that a guy next to me was washing his hands and looking at me strangely. I just averted my eyes and kept cleaning my pants. They still stank, and I had a full day of work ahead of me. I remembered that I had bought some pants the night before and they were still sitting in the trunk of my car. I walked outside with my back to the wall so that no one could see the massive shit stain on my pants.

As soon as I walk out the door, there's about 10 people smoking and staring at my odd behavior. I ran to the parking garage got a pair of pants from the trunk of my car, ripped the labels off, sat crouched in the passenger seat, took off my dirty pants and boxers and sat down to change when all of a sudden something buzzed up against my ass, causing me to jump so high as to nearly knock myself out on the roof of my car. Turns out I left my fucking shaver (yeah I drive and shave) on the seat and sat on it, causing it to take a clump off my buttcheek hair. Finally, I got my new pants on, sans any underwear, sat back down on the fucking shaver once more causing it to buzz my ass again. I nearly fucking broke my window, cursing at everyone and anyone for how my day started.

Dude, never use an electric shaver. Ever.

Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:

Tom Cable*
Jim Zorn
Eric Mangini
Jim Mora
Jeff Fisher
Dick Jauron – FIRED!
Todd Haley
Lovie Smith
Andy Reid
Mike McCarthy

We welcome Mike "Beaver" McCarthy to the chopping block a week too late. Still, despite beating Dallas, he belongs here for trying to challenge a call when he had no challenges left. And he wasn't penalized! You can get away with such things when Jeff Triplette is on duty.

Gametime Snack Of The Week

Cereal! I'm 33 years old, and I still put sugar on my cereal if it's not sweet enough for my liking. Rice Krispies. Corn Flakes. Plain Cheerios. I sugar all of those fuckers. At least two spoonfuls. The best part of it is when you finish the cereal, and you dredge the bottom of the bowl with your spoon, and there's some sugar left. You can see the little mound of it on the end of your spoon. That sugar is fucking delicious. Mmmmm, milky sugar.

Yes, I had a cavity filled last week. Why do you ask?

My mom used to give me those small travel boxes of Apple Jacks and other cereals with me to school. The variety packs you buy in the store for kids. You get about half a cup of cereal in those things. It's never enough.

Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week

Tell! Official cheap beer of Switzerland! Reader Brad writes in:

Now that you have entered the international sphere for you cheap beer of the week, I nominate Coop brand beers. Coop is one of two major supermarket chains in Switzerland, and its beer selection is clearly superior to the competition. All of them are 50cl, or just bigger than your standard tall boy. My personal favorite was the Tell brand, promoting Swiss national hero William Tell.

When you are a college student studying abroad in Geneva, the world's most expensive city, getting drunk on the cheap is THE priority. A sixer of Tell would go for the equivalent of $4. They also had 80 proof liquors, branded as "Gin," "Vodka," and "Rum." Best part, they were normally mislabeled. It was like playing Russian roulette when buying handles. So the normal night consisted of downing a couple shots of mystery booze, a bottle of cooking wine ($1.50), and a sixer of Tell.

Geneva is also the place I became acquainted with the Backdraft shot. It involves the inhaling of alcohol vapor, which is a required part of hitting on 17-year-old Swiss lesbians in bars.

Let's see you find information that useful in a REAL travel guide. Suck it, Fodor! Also, I've been to Switzerland. Brad is right. Not only is it the most expensive place in the universe, it's also the dullest.

Robert Evans' MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.

"Baby, my favorite for the NFL's MVP this year is Peyton Manning of the Colts! All alone now! Cock of the walk! Top of the heap! Now, let me tell you about the time I had sex with Linda Evans on top of a mountain in Aspen back in '81. I had my Filipino assistant, Sammy, lay out a twelve-course meal at the top of the slope. Caviar? You bet! Antelope liver? Sure, why not. I also told the gondola operator to stop the ride midway up the mountain! When our little gondola froze in the middle of the night, Linda turned to me and said, ‘You planned this, didn't you, Evans?' And I said BABY, YOUR DAMN RIGHT EVANS DID. Let me tell you something, Evans and Evans made that gondola SWING that night! Damn near made the thing leap off the cable! By the time I gave the signal to start the ride again, we could have eaten fifty courses! That's Aspen in a nutshell for you. Glamorous? YOU KNOW IT! Sex in mid air with one of TV's great dames? Damn straight."

Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Browns Fans

Duplicity. I don't think I've ever seen a Julia Roberts movie where Julia Roberts doesn't play I character I want to knee in the tits.

Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"Stupid fly! YOU GO SQUISH NOW!"

Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: KOGOD brings us this gallery of extreme body painting. (NSFWCC) It's nerd sexy.
-For the gals: Sexy Ryan Gosling. I fucked hated that Half Nelson movie.

Enjoy the games, everyone.

JANUARY
Y2K doesn't kill us, but it could have. David Letterman has quintuple bypass surgery. Dan Marino plays his final game, a 62-7 loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars. Malcolm Gladwell's "The Tipping Point" is released. Kurt Warner and the Rams win a thrilling Super Bowl over the Titans, but dot-com commercials dominate the storyline, most notably the infamous Pets.com sock puppet, voiced by Michael Ian Black. AOL and Time Warner merge. The deal, surprisingly, is not delayed while AOL waits for its roommate to get off the phone.
FEBRUARY
In their race for the Republican nomination for President, John McCain upsets George W. Bush in New Hampshire, but loses in South Carolina amid allegations of dirty tactics on behalf of the Bush campaign. Ray Lewis is arrested on murder charges after an incident outside the Super Bowl. Dave Eggers' "A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius" is released. The Mariners trade Ken Griffey Jr. to Cincinnati, where he grew up. Marty McSorley hits Donald Brashear in the back of the head with his stick. Charles Schulz, Tom Landry and Jim Varney all die, though not at the hands of McSorley.
MARCH
Vladmir Putin is elected as president of Russia. Boomer Esiason is fired from "Monday Night Football." The NASDAQ collapses, signifying the end of the dot-com boom. Budweiser's "Whassup?" commercials debut. Sports Illustrated profiles University of Minnesota wrestler Brock Lesnar. Cardinals pitching coach Dave Duncan compares pitcher Rick Ankiel to Sandy Koufax. Dan Marino turns down an offer from the Minnesota Vikings to continue his career. Rangers pitcher Darren Oliver tells a reporter he's voting for George W. Bush because "it would be cool to know the dude in the White House."
APRIL
Michigan State, behind Mateen Cleaves, wins the NCAA Championship. "ESPN: An Uncensored History" is released by an independent publisher. Metallica sues Napster for pirating their songs, followed soon thereafter by Dr. Dre and Madonna. Mike Morgan pitches for his record 12th different major league team. Cal Ripken gets his 3,000th hit. "Hollywood" Henderson wins $28 million in the Texas Lotto. In a related story, the NBA approves the sale of the Dallas Mavericks to Mark Cuban.
MAY
The ILOVEYOU virus attacks gullible home computers. Boo.com burns through $160 million in six months. Malik Sealy dies in a car accident. Daniel Snyder signs Jeff George to a multi-year contract. Eminem's "The Marshall Mathers LP" is released to an unsuspecting public. "Party of Five" and "Beverly Hills 90210" go off the air. Lynn Swann is hired to serve as a sideline reporter for the upcoming Ray Lewis murder trial.
JUNE
The Los Angeles Lakers win the NBA Championship. Nancy Marchand, the actress who played Livia Soprano, dies. Mike Tyson knocks out someone names Lou Saverese in the first round in Scotland. Jeff McGregor writes in Sports Illustrated that "sportswriters will soon be dinosaurs, driven to extinction by the Ice Age of the Internet." Scientists announced they've sketched a rough draft of the human genome. Steve Young retires. Photos reveal that Mars has water. Frank Deford refers to Anna Kournikova as "the Jezebel of sweat."
JULY
ABC announces it is hiring Dennis Miller to broadcast "Monday Night Football." Pete Sampras wins his record 13th Grand Slam title. Grant Hill and Tracy McGrady sign free agent contracts with the Orlando Magic. Chuck Knoblauch hits Keith Olbermann's mom with an errant throw. A Concorde jet crashes minutes after takeoff from Charles de Gaulle Airport in Paris, killing all 109 on board and nine people staying at the Relais Bleu hotel in the town of Gonesse. Kobe Bryant performs a rap concert at Los Angeles' House of Blues.
AUGUST
Tiger Woods wins the PGA Championship, his third major of the year. "Dora The Explorer" debuts. Firestone recalls 6.5 million tires after reports of faulty design. Gay con man nudist Richard Hatch wins the inaugural season of "Survivor." Obi-Wan Kenobi dies.
SEPTEMBER
The 2000 Summer Olympics begin in Sydney, Australia. The opening ceremonies are hosted by Bob Costas and Katie Couric. Many sports no one will watch for another four years happen, and winners are declared. Indiana fires longtime coach Bob Knight after he strangles a student for saying "'Sup, Knight?" The San Diego Chargers announce Ryan Leaf as their starting quarterback. The Global Millennium Summit is held at the United Nations in New York City. Tiger Woods signs a $100 million endorsement contract with Nike. Nomar Garciaparra and Mark Grace fight over actress Lauren Holly.
OCTOBER
The Yankees and Mets meet in the Subway Series, and Roger Clemens throws a broken bat at Mike Piazza. The USS Cole is bombed by terrorist group Al-Qaeda and their elusive leader Osama bin Laden. Patrick Ewing plays for the Sonics. The PlayStation 2, hailed as the "future of entertainment," is released. Television programs "CSI" and "Curb Your Enthusiasm" debut. Serbian president Slobodan Milošević leaves office. Allen Iverson records his first single, "40 Bars," which features the lyric, "Everybody stay fly get money kill and fuck bitches/I'm hittin anything in plain view for my riches/VA's finest fillin up ditches, when niggaz turn to bitches/die for zero digits; I'm a giant, y'all midgets." Joe Buck, 31, calls his third World Series.
NOVEMBER
The United States Presidential election between Governor George W. Bush and Vice President Al Gore ends in a virtual tie, and each candidate's representatives do battle for a month. Former Panthers wide receiver Rae Carruth's murder trial begins. Daunte Culpepper declares on the cover of Sports Illustrated that he "wants to be the best quarterback ever." Bill Clinton becomes the first sitting President to visit Vietnam. Hunter S. Thompson begins writing for ESPN's Page 2. Former Nebraska head coach Tom Osborne succeeds in his race for the U.S. House of Representatives, but Illinois State Senator Barack Obama does not.
DECEMBER
The Texas Rangers sign shortstop Alex Rodriguez to a 10-year, $252 million contract. Mario Lemieux announces he is returning to the NHL after a three-year retirement. Department store Montgomery Ward goes out of business. Mike Mussina signs with the Yankees and officially destroys the Orioles franchise. The Supreme Court stops the presidential recount in Florida, handing the election to George W. Bush. Victor Borge dies.

The first comes from a young woman named Erin Drewes, who appeared at Tebow's side in this famous photograph and who recently posed for a series of photographs that soon will be even more famous, for the simple reason that His jersey has been body-painted on her chest. Erin spoke with Playboy.com's Girlwatcher about speculation that she is His girlfriend.

Witness: Erin Drewes, via Playboy.com's Girlwatcher (NSFW)

Testimony:

I actually attended a Bucs game with my Dad and somebody said to me, "Hey, I know who you are, you're Tim Tebow's girlfriend." My Dad just laughed. As far as other people thinking it was true, they absolutely did. So let me set the record straight: I was never dating Tim Tebow, nor was I ever his girlfriend!

Pertinent Scripture: From the apocryphal Gospel of Mary Magdalene

[Peter] questioned them about the Savior: Did He really speak privately with a woman and not openly to us? Are we to turn about and all listen to her? Did He prefer her to us?

Then Mary wept and said to Peter, My brother Peter, what do you think? Do you think that I have thought this up myself in my heart, or that I am lying about the Savior?

The second comes via Florida tackle Marcus Gilbert, whose knee memorably betrayed Tebow in an earlier game against Kentucky, colliding with His head and causing a concussion.

Witness: Marcus Gilbert, via the Miami Herald's Mike McCall

Testimony:

UF tackle Marcus Gilbert, whose knee collided with Tebow's head on that play, said Tuesday he still catches grief from friends for the incident.

"I got like three 'How's your knee' and like 100 'Why'd you mess up Tebow,'" Gilbert joked.

Pertinent Scripture: From the apocryphal Gospel of Judas

Judas said to him, "In the vision I saw myself as the twelve disciples were stoning me and persecuting [me severely].

ERIN DREWES IS (STILL!) NOT TIM TEBOW'S GIRLFRIEND-A Girlwatcher Special Report [Playboy]
UF's Urban Meyer makes Heisman Trophy case for Tebow [Miami Herald]

Time's a wasting. Let's get right to it.

Luke:

Fuck do you get off, Drew, urging women to ask future husbands if they've stopped doing cocaine? I mean, that's a nice one-thru-ten checklist for any guy planning to marry the chick YOU'VE already married, but come on, man. Don't fuck up some people's spots. It isn't wrong for a person to still occasionally be doing cocaine around the time they decide to get married.

Okay, here's my confession. I've never tried cocaine. Ever. And the three or four times I've seen people snort it in front of me, it made me completely uneasy. I blame Nancy Reagan.

I tend to be someone who has terrible control when it comes to mass consumption. I'll clean out all the booze in the fridge. I'll smoke all the weed. I'll inhale Bugles by the bagful. If it's in front of me, I consume all of it. It's just best for me to not expose my penchant for Hoovering everything in sight to the yayo, or the yamyam, or any other hard narcotic. Plus, I've had a friend or two get hooked on it and end up sitting in strip clubs on weekdays at 11AM. You never want to end up in strip clubs on weekdays at 11AM. So there you go. I do NOT rock.

Ill Wingo's Mandingo:

My girlfriend will occasionally leave a perfect little wad of toilet paper in the toilet without flushing. When I'm next on deck and see that little t.p. burrito, hanging out, minding it's own business, I have the same reaction every single time. IT'S ON!

I try to obliterate that little fucker, and crush him into a million pieces. Making him dance around the bowl, splitting him in half with every pass. It is one of the most fantastic parts of my day. Very therapeutic. Sometimes there are two, and if I'm REALLY lucky, three... They always get fucked. All of them. Not really a question, just looking for a co-sign.

That is all.

Yup, I do that too. I blast the shit out of it and watch the little shreds of TP go flying in the bowl. Plus, your urine sort of concentrates in that one area of the paper, so it gets that nice rich yellow coloring, much better than when it dilutes with the rest of the toilet water. It's even better if the TP still has a bit of shit on it, and you try and clean the shit off the paper by aiming right at it. Mrs. Drew hates it when I piss with paper still in the bowl, because it splashes back and gets all over the floor. But it's so worth it.

Secretly, and this is wrong, but if I'm stuck having to piss in a portapotty, and there's a giant mound of someone else's shit sitting five feet down the hole, I aim for it. I cut it right down to size. Like driving over a sand castle someone spent three hours working on.

Jon:

RE: Dribbling on khakis. When you think you are done (usually after the secondary stream which lasts for about a second), push the small area of your forward taint up. It works for me. And kinda tickles.

/presses taint

Hey, he's right! Also, speaking of ticklish, ever receive oral pleasure from someone and have it tickle your dick for the first millisecond? Just the initial contact. They start kissing your dick and you're all like WOOOOOOOOOO THAT TICKLES! Then, half a second later it goes away and you're like, okay, THIS FEELS GREAT NOW. CARRY ON.

Shareef:

I don't live in New York City, but I frequent it often on the weekends, as most of my friends live there. This past Friday night started like many others, a nice pregame with a couple of friends followed by bar hopping around town. As we're leaving a bar around 2 in the morning, I skip out thirty seconds before everyone else to bum a cigarette from a couple random heads, a preemptive strike if you will. My friends come out, see me procuring a cigarette, say, "that's where you were," and before I can even light my cigarette they've already walked down the street, without saying a word. Mind you, I have no idea where they're going.

When I do finally get the cigarette lit and start walking down the street in their direction, I have no idea where they've gone. I find out its a club and they're already in. I call them to let them know I'm outside so we can go somewhere else.

At this point in time they tell me to just wait in line, I'm not very happy, but I'm sleeping on one of their couches, so I'm at their mercy. My question to you is this: was this wrong of them?

I say yes, because you clearly weren't going to be long. HOWEVER, there is nothing worse than having stragglers in your group. You make the collective decision to leave the bar and go somewhere else, and there's always, without fail, one or two friends who still have a full drink to finish, or they have to make a call, or they're chatting with the bartender, or they have to smoke a fucking cigarette. Sometimes, you get tired of waiting for straggler friends and you just go FUCK IT, WE'RE GOING. Otherwise, you never end up going anywhere. This happens at every bachelor party. Getting 12 men to leave one place simultaneously is like building a goddamn pyramid.

Ben:

Mondays are better to take off than Fridays. Think about it: which is a better day in the office? Friday, when everyone is in a good mood, half the office is usually out for the day/leaving early, and you can dress casually? Or Monday, when everyone is grumpy, everyone is in, and you have to dress normally? It's not even close.

Fair point. But ever have those Fridays where you really DO have to do work? It's horrible. I hated getting new assignments on Fridays. What? You want me to do real WORK? Fuck that. I'm only here for posterity today. And if someone ever gives you work at 4PM on Friday, or a client calls at 4PM that day (and they always do), you are free to curse their genitals. Assholes.

Phil:

What is the appropriate etiquette when you call a girl for a first date and she screens the call and doesn't pick up? Leave a message and risk pulling a Jon Favreau from Swingers? Text message and look like a passive pussy that probably orders daiquiris on a first date? Hang up and try back later? Email a married guy from a sports blog and wait for the answer? I have tried all of these and feel like a dbag each and every time. I fucking hate girls.

Prepare and rehearse a very brief message in advance to leave if she doesn't pick up the first time you call. "Hey Lindsay, it's Phil. I was calling to see if you wanted to grab a bite to eat on Friday night. Lemme know. Take care." Done. Don't be cute. Don't try and make jokes to a fucking voice mail. Just get the basic info she needs to know out and leave it. She'll call back if she's down. They always do. DON'T hang up and call back. Ever. Call once and leave it like chicken on the grill.

Bobby Big Wheel:

Has anyone tried making a guide to hooking up at weddings, based on the collective wisdom of the Commentariat?

What's there to guide you through? Everyone's drunk and horny. Just scope the room, find a worthy companion for the night, and introduce yourself. Hit the dance floor, get drunk at the after party, then go back to your room and fuck like deer.

ElegantSlim:

Since when can I only get Goobers at the movies? I love those little peanut dingleberries but I can't remember the last time I saw them in a bodega. When can Goobers break from the capitalist talons of the Regal Cinema Group?

Raisinets and Sno Caps, too! Know where you can buy them retail? Blockbuster Video. Find the last one standing in America. They have all the movie candy.

AJ (not the DS one):

Last week I was watching CNN at a pizza shop as I was waiting to pick up my lunch order and noticed one of the scrolls across the bottom of the screen.

BOYZ II MEN SINGER HAS H1N1 VIRUS

Apparently they are still relevant enough to catch swine flu and make the news.

NOT NATHAN!

Adam:

Just noticed that the two players who will replace the injured Cowboys starters this week are Free and Ball.

Delightful.

CC:

Where would be the best place to take a shit when I can't use a toilet?

The ocean. I took a dump in Long Island Sound once with my friend swimming fifty feet away. He then ratted me out to my wife, saying, "Hey, do you know what Drew just did? HE SHIT IN THE SOUND!" My friends are lame. Sellout!

Alex:

My personal laptop's hard drive recently crashed. I'm unable to even get to the log-in screen. I'm in the middle of ordering a new computer, but have had to bring my work laptop home with me every night just to have some form of internet access. During the evening, before I go to bed, I enjoy a good masturbation session like most single men. Since my personal laptop is unable to function properly, I've had to go with my work laptop for my porn access.

I'm a consultant, so I'm traveling a lot with my computer. My roommate is a consultant as well, and he claims that when he is traveling, that he uses his work laptop for porn as well. He's trying to convince me to not worry and that the majority of consulting companies don't bother with monitoring your internet activity when you're not in the office.

I use Google Incognito, but this still makes me very uneasy every time I come in to work the next morning. I keep on expecting to see an email of death from HR saying I've been terminated. Any advice?

And yet, such is your horniness that the threat of termination hasn't yet stopped you from using your work computer to look at Redtube. That's men in a nutshell. Anything for a nut. You're a consultant, so you have money, so get a new personal laptop. Then you can jack it guilt free. Everyone who does NOT work in IT assumes there's one guy in IT who is watching your browser at all times, just waiting for you to log on to porn so he can nail you. That's always the fear you live with as a chronic masturbator. You have nightmares about being fired WHILE you're also jacking it. It's quite a mental stunt. Way back when, I used to pull Tera Patrick vids off of Limewire while at work. That was probably a bad idea.

I bet most employers have a porn threshold. They don't care if you look for ten minutes a day. But if you're looking at it eight hours a day, AND you have an open cube, you are SO fucking fired.

Chaz:

What is your policy regarding sanitary toilet seat covers? If you are in a public setting, do you use these if available? If not available, do you improvise with toilet paper strips or just through caution to the wind?

I never use them. I'm usually the person whose bowel movements prompt others to use such items. They're designed to protect you from people like me. Also, I can never get them to stay on the toilet. I use them with my kid, and they always end up falling in before I can get the kid's ass on it.

Hit Bull Win Steak:

A co-worker and I were having a debate about normal (i.e. non-handicapped) people crapping in the handicapped stall at work. He contends that this is no different than you parking in the handicapped parking space in a parking lot, and that you're an asshole for doing so. I called "bullshit" on this. Citing the allure of the bigger stall, the fact that the duration of the average crap is much shorter than that of when you park, and also the complete lack of handicapped people in the office. Please help us settle this.

Your coworker is WRONG. It's not fucking illegal to use a handicapped stall if you aren't handicapped, is it? They won't tow you away mid-shit if you use it, right? CHECK AND FUCKING MATE.

I like the handicapped stall. The toilet's higher. Better for my back.

Jordan:

I edit a Christian webmagazine, and I've pondered asking you if I could somehow syndicate your columns.

That's probably a bad idea.

Cam:

What hot sauce do you fancy? I particularly go for Sriacha, a Chinese chili sauce. I put that shit on just about everything imaginable. I'm waiting for an ulcer the size of Alaska any day now (topped with all the booze and pot, I'm going to be one well rounded individual in the years to come).

I use Frank's Red Hot. If they don't have that at the store, I use Texas Pete. I'm not all that wild about Tobasco. More then five drops of Tobasco on anything, and your tongue goes fucking limp. You can pour a gallon of Red Hot on anything and still live.

Stan:

What are the chances you "accidentally" come across Levi Johnston's nudie pics when they leak, you hairy bear? I would say I'm a mortal lock to "come across them" at some point during my naked couch surfing.

Whatever, gayboy. I come across enough penises while doing the women's portion of the Halftime Masturbation Kit. No Alaska dong for me.

Brian:

I started sitting down to pee. It is silent, accurate, and relaxing but is it gay?

Nah, if that's your thing. My wife begs me to pee sitting down, because I'll go to pee in the middle of the night and just spray all over the place. Really paint the walls type business. Ever hit the toilet rim and shit goes spraying twenty feet in every direction? And you have to wipe your legs off and all that shit? Terrible. Anyway, it's a moot point, because my thighs are too fat for me to pee sitting down adequately. That pretty much tells you all you need to know about my physique.

Andy:

I was reading your open mailbag article and thought I might have a piece of information that some of your reading public might enjoy. Wild Turkeys are 100% Grade A greasy dark meat. No Shit. Kill yourself a wild turkey and reap the benefits of throwing the fact that you are more man than all of your weak ass in-laws combined, and all the dark meat you would need.

Oooh, like duck and goose?

Exactly.

Oh, I'm all over that. TIME TO KILL.

Ryan:

With the holiday season fast approaching, I'm planning on being back home around old friends, some of whom I haven't seen in quite some time. I'm at the age where lots of these guys are getting married, having/thinking of having kids, etc. I know how annoying it is having to give the same mini-update on your life 100 different times to aunts and uncles and grandparents, and I don't want to be a source of that for my friends. My question is, what are more enjoyable, universal topics of conversation for the holidays?

1. Football
2. Movies
3. TV
4. Weather
1,231. Politics

Brody:

I went to the University of Miami and the biggest d'bag fans are the ones who WENT to the school. I grew up in South Florida as a Canes fan through the glory years, the probation years, then the rebirth and started school there for the 2001 National Championship year.

The U is full of self-tanned New York and Jersey trash who only go there to party on South Beach and spend daddy's money. They couldn't give two shits about the football team unless they're playing FSU or some other glory program, and that's just because there's more of a chance to date rape the girls who go. One loss and no one shows up, they're busy taking their bedazzled shirts off at Space until 6 am.

I have no reply for this. I just liked it.

Ted:

You are more of a dumbass than i thought....the offensive line is what makes mediocre teams great. Being able to run the ball when there is 2 feet of snow makes a team great yor dumb asshole. What allows you to have a successful running game? Since you obviously have no knowledge of the game of football let me tell you.....offensive lineman. Go drown yourself in your cases of beer and stop making idiotic statements about something you have no knowledge of. Let me guess you were one of those guys who quit football in high school because they sucked...i mean "the coaches hated me" kinds of guys. quitter.

Pfft. The coaches didn't hate me. They have to notice you to hate you.

D. Chuck:

Why the fuck can't I keep my button down shirt tucked into my pants? I slouch more than probably anyone, so that may be the reason. But can't we just make all pants have holes in your pockets so you can tug your shirt down into your pants, like rental tuxedo pants have? I don't like having to shove my hand down my pants in public for any other reason than "The high school cheerleaders are over there, let's give it a quick jerk."

I concur. I can't keep my shirt tucked in for longer than five minutes. I sit down, I stand back up, and it's all over. Annoying. And whenever you tuck back in, you just stuff that shit down, and it pops right back out. To get a proper tuck in, you have to undo your pants and make sure the bottom of the shirt is smooth against your underwear. Most every button down shirt you buy has extra buttons sewn at the bottom. If they had little loops on the side of your pants where you could button the flap, it might help.

This is why I don't wear clothing unless necessary.

Adam:

You are a single man going on a date with an attractive woman. You are going to a restaurant and have a reasonable expectation of amorous activity.

What is the proper meal to choose to avoid any gastro-related fuckups between paying the bill, having a nightcap, and hitting the sack? Obviously, you have to consider the type of restaurant, the portion, the effect on your bowels, and not looking like a pussy with your order. Yes, my bathroom is adjacent to my bedroom, why do you ask?

White and brown food. Steak and potatoes. Any food that had bold colors – fiery red tomatoes, leafy greens – that's just asking for a Fiesta Melt in your toilet.

Olaf:

I live in a middle class neighborhood in suburban Minneapolis (btw, it's true that the heavy stuff ain't quite at its heaviest). Anyway, my house and all the others on my block are on an alley. It is standard practice for everyone on the alley to leave their garbage cans right on the alley all week. My wife and I have the smallest garbage bin allowed because it's just the two of us and she is a compulsive recycler, so we don't have much trash anyway.

Twice in the last 5 weeks, I've taken our garbage out to the alley on Tuesday night and found that someone had already placed several garbage bags in our small bin. Our garbage would barely fit and I ran the risk of being fined for an over-full garbage. The first time it happened, I chalked it up as a random act of douchebaggery. This week, I was filled with a murderous rage.

As I was standing by my garbage can simmering with rage, I started to wonder what I'd do if I actually caught someone doing this a third time. I think the very least I would do is unleash an semi-Earl Weaveresque profanity and spittle laced tirade and then file trespassing charges - even if the person were an 80 year old lady. My other idea was to pummel the person with a claw hammer.

My question is: am I overreacting to this? My take is that anyone who would repeatedly do this kind of thing is such a massive fuckface that they deserve some fairly severe retribution (maybe being assaulted with a claw hammer is a bit overboard, but still). Or am I the asshole for getting so angry about this? Thanks.

I say it's a dick move to repeatedly hog someone else's trash can space. But you're like me. I'm a total old man now. If someone drives too quick through our neighborhood, or puts their shit in my garbage, I get all mad, THEN I get mad at myself for acting like an old tightass. It's always more fun to be the person ruining shit than being the person who has their shit ruined. Adulthood BLOWS.

Creasy, arguably one of the forefathers of ESPN's Worldwide Leaderness, apparently took a liking to one of his assistants, Melissa DiMarco, who claimed she was fired for shooting down the horny old coot.

Even though DiMarco claimed Creasy consistently made her feel uncomfortable with his use of the word "cunt" and "cocksuckers" and referred to her as a "cockteaser", she still slept in his bed one night. But! — she was wearing her clothes. That's not cockteasy.

The Post contacted the now 79-year-old Creasy for comment, but he couldn't remember anything. The suit was eventually settled.

Note: the Melissa DiMarco named in this complaint is not the same woman who played Pete Rose's wife in ESPN's "Hustle". You know, the movie where Tom Sizemore sports an Emo Phillips wig and says "pussy" a lot.

It had nothing to do with guts or swagger or whatever Deion Sanders was talking about. This wasn't Pickett making for Cemetery Ridge. Nor was it "I'm-smarter-than-they-are hubris," as Peter King has it. This was a fourth-and-2 with a 60 percent shot at success and whose subsequent failure still left the Pats with roughly a coin flip's chance of winning. I'll let the smart people at Advanced NFL Stats explain:

With 2:00 left and the Colts with only one timeout, a successful conversion wins the game for all practical purposes. A 4th and 2 conversion would be successful 60% of the time. Historically, in a situation with 2:00 left and needing a TD to either win or tie, teams get the TD 53% of the time from that field position. The total WP for the 4th down conversion attempt would therefore be:

(0.60 * 1) + (0.40 * (1-0.53)) = 0.79 WP [win probability]

A punt from the 28 typically nets 38 yards, starting the Colts at their own 34. Teams historically get the TD 30% of the time in that situation. So the punt gives the Pats about a 0.70 WP.

Belichick's success as a coach owes a lot to his willingness to make this sort of call, and he has made it over and over, for the better part of a decade now. (For this, he was initially reckoned a genius until people realized that he treated everything in the same dispassionate and vaguely autistic way — be it a fourth-and-2 or a woozy veteran linebacker or a mildly intrusive cameraman.) That it didn't work yesterday at a crucial moment in a crucial game, right there on national television in front of god and Trent Dilfer, doesn't change the fact that it was the right thing to do.

Belichick's 4th Down Decision vs the Colts [Advanced NFL Stats]

Mr. Bean

Nate:

In the 4th grade, I was playing for a baseball league in which the coaches pitched, but against the opposing side. I suppose this was to make things "fair." Generally, all the coaches threw what I estimate were 50mph fastballs in various locations and would not play defense after the pitch.

Our team wasn't that great, but we weren't the Bad News Bears either. About halfway through the season, we are playing a game at our home field. I believe it was the top of the 4th inning when one of these 9-year-olds who was about 5 foot 5 inches and 140 pounds already hit a triple. The next kid was barely able to bunt, but he did. Our first baseman charged the bunt and threw the ball to the catcher, who was subsequently absolutely LEVELED by Yeti 9-year-old guy. Probably a little over the top for this league, but everyone came out unscathed, more or less.

Fast forward to the top the 6th inning, and John Kruk, Jr. is up to bat again. My coach sizes him up and then beans him. Not a brush-back pitch, not something that "got away from him," an absolute beaning. The kid is writhing in agony and screaming bloody murder. Turns out that my coach actually BROKE HIS RIB, with malice and aforethought.

Our team's parents all gathered around after the ambulance left and decided that none of us would be playing for this team for the rest of the season.

/end of my baseball career

Coach Coughlin likes the cut of this guy's jib

David:

Being D-III we didn't have big travel budgets so we took a bus. We played a small school in central Iowa. After the game HC allowed anyone with family in attendance to eat with them and then catch up with the team later. The only rule was that they had to be back at the hotel before 7pm (the time the bus left). Well, this trip we lost and HC was pissed.. over the course of dinner he only got madder and before we had finished eating he decided he was sick of us and it was time to go. We left at 6:30ish... I'm sure you can see what happened. We left a running back in Iowa with his grandma who was from the area. The kid had to fly back. When the RB got back the coach screamed at him about missing the bus and he (the HC) couldn't be responsible for that sort of shit.

Here and on! Brown and out!

Matt:

I was on a Little League team that had five, count 'em FIVE, coaches for a roster of twelve kids ages 9 thru 12. Our tyrannical "manager" would conduct 6 practices a week until the season started and then would sometimes hold practice after games if we didn't meet his expectations.

Before every practice roll call was taken. We would all line up in alphabetical order and he would call out our names. There were only two responses he wanted to hear. "Here!" or preferably "Here and on!" If you said "Here", you would be running laps all practice. If you said "Here and on", one of his lackey assistants would hit you in the balls with the handle end of a baseball bat in order to see if you were telling the truth about being "on," aka wearing your cup.

The very first practice we got the message. The first kid called said "Here and on" because he didn't want to run and paid for it with a shot to the nuts. Every day for an entire season I was subjected to the humiliation of a grown man whacking me in the cup with the knob of a baseball bat.

Best dad in the world?

Anonymous:

There were rumors of Coach's infidelity before I even knew what the word meant. There were rumors of him sleeping with this teacher or that person's wife or whatever.

However, once the truth came to light, we found out that Coach took things to a whole other level of assholishness. Coach was boning a sophomore girl. He was caught by the night janitor after football practice.

During the discovery process of his trial, more than 150 current or former students came forth to testify that Coach had sexually harassed them in some way, shape or form. What's even neater is that some of the harassments had been covered up by the school's principal and athletic director. He was convicted and sentenced to prison where he served four years.

One other caveat, this whole sex scandal happened during Coach's oldest son's senior year. Coach's son also happened to be the starting quarterback and, somehow, a heck of a nice kid. Thanks for the graduation gift, Dad.

But you didn't get to practice the Gatorade bath?

Anonymous:

Our first game ended in a tie. Big Asshole coach brought a dictionary to our next practice and had each kid read the definition of "tie" out loud and passed the Webster's to the next kid. We did this until the Webster's was no longer needed and we could recite the definition without using the dictionary. He also made a kid take off his Washington Redskins sweatshirt and spit and stomp on it since we were playing a team of 10/11 year olds called the Redskins.

Mid-season I had to leave early from practice since I had a religious class to go to. One of those classes your parents sign you up for and you have to go. My mom was in charge of driving me and another kid to class. This other kid was not on the team and my mom sent him to the practice field to come get me. Little asshole chased him away coach saying "this field is for football players." I went to Big Asshole and told him I was leaving for a class at church. He blew his whistle and told the team to circle around me. He tells the team I am leaving practice early to go to church. He then asks me "make a decision right now! Football....or God?" I did not know what the fuck was going on. I told him "that ain't hard" and left.

Finally, our season culminated in a championship game between the only unbeaten teams in the league. The final week of practice Big Asshole coach made us practice carrying him off the field. He said "This is what you guys are going to do to me when we win Saturday." Each day after practice it was "see if you can carry me farther than you did yesterday." The very last practice we manage to carry him 20 yards before we collapse.

Let that tussin soak in

Jeremy:

While spending a prominent amount of time on the sideline, I overheard coach tell my best friend in a critical (as critical as a junior high football game could be) moment of the fourth quarter he would be fine and was sent back in. To my horror, my friend clearly had a bone protruding from his forearm. This friend's family was out of town at the time, so rather than help the kid or you know, bring him to the ER, coach told him to soak it in a mixture of ice water and salt.

50 HOT ONES COMIN' AT YA!

Matt:

Our fielding practices started with taking ground balls without our gloves (and I'm not talking about gently rolling the ball) after which we'd take our positions and go through a regular "infield". His son was at third base and the first ball hit to him went right threw his legs, enraged coach hit another ball except this time it was twice as hard and he jumped out of the way. Now he was really pissed at the words that came out of his mouth will never be forgotten by anyone on that field. "FIFTY HOT ONES COMING AT YA!"

He proceeded to take a full bucket of balls and hit screaming one hoppers and line drives at his defenseless son at third base. He tried to deflect the first few but they were coming too hard and fast. All he could do was curl up into a fetal position as balls whizzed by his head and occasionally ricocheted off various parts of his body. We all stood and watched frozen with fear as this homicidal manic our parents trusted to teach and nurture drilled deadly weapons at his son. Now you may think this would be considered child abuse but this was the 80's and you'd have to drag your kid behind your car in front of a police station and maybe someone would say something.

Amazingly before the season started the returning parents tried to get him kicked out of the league but MY father stood up and basically said "Do you want your boys to grow up to be pussies". So if anyone ever yells "FIFTY HOT ONES COMING AT YOU!" run fast and far away.

Oh, now that's clearly not true. Shame on you, Bob

Bob:

John Wooden raped me. Twice.

By a bad decade, we're not talking about fads that inevitably evaporated. (No Elian Gonzalez, or "Livin' La Vida Loca.") We mean people and concepts that, on December 31, 1999, were respected and/or revered, reputations that were devastated by the last 10 years. If this decade would have never happened, they would have been a lot better off. The last decade exposed them as not nearly as lasting as we once thought they would be.

The rest of the month, I'll be doing year-in-reviews, twice a week, but we kick you off with this photo gallery, inspired by the fantastic Inventory: 16 Films Featuring Manic Pixie Dream Girls, 10 Great Songs Nearly Ruined by Saxophone, and 100 More Obsessively Specific Pop-Culture Lists by The Onion A.V. Club. (Thanks to A.J. Daulerio, Joe DeLessio, Drew Magary, Ben Mathis-Lilley, Mike Ryan and Bill Scheft for their suggestions on some of these.) Click the photo gallery to enjoy, and leave us your own suggestions in the comments, if you feel so inclined.

Roberto Benigni.
Blockbuster Video.
Bobby Bowden.
Chuck D.
Minnie Driver.
David Duval.
Janeane Garofalo.
Nomar Garciaparra.
Mel Gibson.
Alan Greenspan.
Dennis Hastert.
Helen Hunt.
Hummers.
Michael Jordan.
Craig Kilborn.
George Lucas.
Mike Martz.
Mark McGwire.
Chris O'Donnell.
Sarah McLachlan.
Moby.
Newspapers.
Liz Phair.
Colin Powell.
Pluto.
The Record Industry.
Michael Richards.
Ripped Fuel.
John Rocker.
David O. Russell.
Salon.com.
Mike Shanahan.
Alicia Silverstone.
M. Night Shyamalan.
Kevin Spacey.
Caring About Howard Stern's Personal Life.
The Wachowski Brothers.
Harvey Weinstein.
Ricky Williams.
Kerry Wood.
Women's Soccer.

In the past week, all the stories leading up to the Big Game were about Manning vs. Brady, Manning vs. Belichick, how the undefeated Colts would finally get their reality check against the dynastic Patriots. Despite all his deadly offensive success, the Patriots were the one team that could still give Manning fits (despite four Colts wins in the last five meetings) as they had ruined many a magical season during his career. And all the focus would still be on Manning today, if it weren't The Call.

"Wrong."
"Folly."
"Dumb."
"Quizzical."
"Gaffe" and "Hubris."
"Bobble."
"The worst decision ... ever."
"Lack of Faith."
"Disrespect"
"A Bummer."
"Arrogantly Boneheaded."

[Screengrab via]

Pretty much everyone is in agreement that Belichick's decision to go for it on 4th-and-2 from his own 28 is the most arrogantly boneheaded (see?) coaching decision since Julius Caesar woke up on March 15 and said, "I think I'll go into work today." When your only two intellectual defenders are Merrill Hoge and Deion Sanders—noted fan of "swagger"—that's got to lead to some soul searching. (But hey, they covered! That's what's really important.)

As for Manning, his fourth quarter interception appeared to doom him to yet another big defeat against New England, but two more touchdowns in the final four minutes completed a 17-point comeback and his season remains perfect. So what if he needed Football's Einstein to momentarily turn into Andy Reid for one drive? Everyone keeps expecting Manning and his Colts to fold—no Bob Sanders, weaker home field, do they even have a coach?—and they just keep winning. (For now.)

Just as long as he stays away from the Lucas Oil hotdogs.

Belichick gaffe unrivaled [Shaughnessy]
Colts make Pats pay for Bill's unusually dumb decision [CBS]
Bill Belichick And The Art Of Second Guessing [Sussman]

* * * * *

Manny Pacquiao: Greatest fighter ever? I'll just take your word for it, because I'm still not paying $40 to watch a boxing match on TV. [Telegraph, GMANews]

Jimmie Johnson: Johnson all but locked up an unprecedented fourth straight Winston NASCAR Sprint Solo Cup Chase championship victory. And the man has never once used his turn signal. [LA Times]

The Bengals: They are officially "for real." So when do the knee injuries start again? [AP]

Jim Harbaugh: Two wins in three tries against not-so-mighty USC, both at the Coliseum (complete with a nice FU to Pete Carroll) and a big fat contract extension coming his way. Also, you wouldn't believe the luck this guy has getting good parking spots in Palo Alto. [Ray Ratto]

Brandon Jennings: I think we could all benefit from a summer in Europe. [Yahoo! Sports]

And the Weekend Loser?: Umm ... duh.

The first idea we had was to recruit some well-known music writers to see what happened to their ear drums after a couple of spins. Craggs had Greil Marcus lined up, but he backed off. Chuck Klosterman was also intrigued by the idea, but was bogged down in other projects.

So, second plan — find a producer to remix one of these McCarver tracks and modernize it a bit. Luckily, a fine gentleman at Sony music answered the call and passed along the McCarverized version of an old Richard Rodgers ditty from 1937 called "I Wish I Were In Love Again" to someone he knew. Here's Tim's version.

Now, here's a remixed version done by an up-and-coming producer from North Carolina named A-Styles, who recently did some tracks for the Ying Yang Twins including this catchy little number called "Wild Out". With his help, he's transformed McCarver's version from dewy swing into dirty souf trip-hop.

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Your editor tomorrow is TBD, for now. Sunday, Barry P.

No more pain.

Video: Mike Byhoff

In this edition, a tribute to Koko the Monkey, more bad duct tape, boozehounds, straight pimpage and, as usual, lots of lovable fat guys. If you see more custom greatness out there, send the (good) pictures with the subject: "Custom Jersey." And if you missed our previous renditions of the series, here are the links.

Part I
Part II
Part III

For all the people about to leave a disparaging comment ... he's talking to you. [Submitted by Rael]
Okay, this is ridiculous. "Be alert for bats"? Unless Rico from Staten Island is about to club him from behind with a Louisville Slugger, I think he's safe. [Submitted by E. Blum @ Yankee Stadium]
Still the best Blue Jackets player of all time. [Submitted by Ben S.]
In all fairness to this guy, I'm sure he did not make this himself, but rather pulled it out of a fake can stuffed inside a 30-pack. [Submitted by Paul S.]
It's not "zero zero." It's "oo." [Submitted by Zain I.]
As in ... "oo ooh ah ahh." [Submitted by Ben D.]
Mike O., please.
I'm really starting to think that some people don't like Brett Favre. [Submitted by Charles D.]
Can't forget the extra dose of this pimpin'. [Submitted by Rob B.]
The extra T is for a double dose of these Tasty Tacos. [Submitted by Adam B.]
I'm confused. Is that what the hat is made out of? [Submitted by Pat F.]
I guess this doubles as a Sports-O-Ween entry (for the love of god, stop sending those in), but I don't see blackface so I can't tell for sure. [Submitted by Scott K.]
You know what? Sometimes you just gotta say what everyone else is thinking. [Submitted by Nick S.]
You'll notice that this guy is wearing a Patriots hoodie under his "Favre4Ever" jersey while attending an American football game in London. Clearly a Tory spy. [Submitted by John M.]
See, cause Pat Tillman was in the Army Rangers. Get it? [Submitted by John O.]
Okayyyyyyyy.... [Submitted by Mark V.]
You know, rhinos are among the most dangerous land mammals. [Submitted by Robert G.]
Let's not get ahead of yourselves, Jacksonville fans. There's a good chance the NFL won't even let you draft next spring. [Submitted by Jan L.]
Well, it's hard to argue with a shirt. [Submitted by Rick M., seen in Chicago]
Why aren't all mobs this good at brand awareness? [Submitted by Eric M.]
All right, I give up. What the hell does this mean? [Submitted by Josh H.]
He's a real wiredout man. Sitting in his wiredout land. Making all his plan to ... wire ... out ... something. I guess. [Submitted by Nick M.]

It's usually because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy...

Texas Lawyers Love To Send Letters

LEGAL DEMAND NOTICE -

Mr. Daulerio & Mr. Bennett;

This email is from the Texas Rangers Baseball Club legal department. It has come to our attention that your website has posted a photograph of our family-friendly Texas Rangers "Six-Shooters" female group with the headline "Whores Are Coming To Dallas " as the immediately preceding caption, at: here

We hereby demand that you promptly remove the photograph of our group. Placing our group's photograph by the word "whore" is libel and implies an association between our family-friendly group and that highly offensive word. Failure to remove the photograph promptly may result in legal action. Please let me know if you have questions. Thank you.

Lindsay Caldwell

Legal Department

Texas Rangers Baseball Club

And This Is Why Drew Sticks To Dick Jokes

•

Just out of curiosity, why do random nobodies at ESPN who allegedly had affairs get named on Deadspin, but someone who voluntarily and admittedly lies about their treatment at a charity event remains nameless? Honestly, they all seem like assholes and I could give a fuck about any of them, but it seems unfair.

•

The guy who claimed he got tossed around while seeking Ali's autograph is indeed an asshole. But wouldn't the whole problem have been avoided if you'd sought confirmation of some sort from ASU and Murphy before slapping the guy's accusations on the Internet?

I love your site, but it might be a good idea to tread with just a little more care.

CTW

•

I hope you reach out to him and personally apologize. In fact, I think you owe an apology to the entire ASU family.

Pat Murphy has not only been a great coach, but an outstanding human in his almost 20 years coaching at ASU. When I read your posting earlier today it made me sick. Not because of the alleged behavior, but because I knew that the story was obviously BS and that Murph's reputation was being unfairly through the mud. The only saving grace was that the commenters seemed to see through the story, that fact speaks volumes.

I like most of your stuff Drew, but you f#$cked up big on this.

BTW, if you give me the clown's name that sent in that story, I'll be glad to pay him a visit.

•

Drew,

The least you can do for Coach Murphy is offer an apology and provide contact information for his charity. The story may have been fabricated, but you were the one who posted it without fact checking it or following up in any way. In fact, it would still be up right now if not for the thoughtful words of Mr. Policar, who demonstrated tremendous reserve in his response. I cannot even imagine what I would do if someone posted such egregious lies about a close friend of mine. Your non-apology of a post makes you this biggest asshole out of this whole situation.

But WHITE IS RIGHT

Barry:

I read your excerpt regading Sammy Sosa's lightened complexion and agree with you until you say: "He just wants to be beautiful."

Sammy Sosa wants to be WHITE. It is unclear what his motivation is behind turning white. Being BEAUTIFUL is a totally different motivation and one would NOT need to be white in order to be beautiful. Naomi Campbell is beautiful, Denzel Washington is beautiful, Iman is beautiful, Michelle Obama is beautiful, Tyson Beckford is beautiful, Halle Berry is beautiful, and the list of beautiful black people goes on and on.

Your wording continues to perpetuate the illogical conclusion that White = Beautiful. Its illogical because all Colors are beautiful, including white. Not just white in and of itself.

Now, This Is More Like It

Hey, how you doin'?

Just ran across your piece of shit website.
Sent this e-mail because there is no way I would register on your site
I am 50 years old, a life time steeler fan. Born in Jersey Shore, PA. (west of Williamsport, Home of little league world series. check a map, if you know how to read one!)

The only thing I agree with you on is band wagon jumpers are fucking ass holes. That's why I hate COWBOY fans.
I have been a steeler fan through good AND bad.

Quit your sniveling cry baby.

Have nice day.......

There Are Drawbacks To Being Number One On The New York Times Bestseller List

Hi,

Would you pay money for an exclusive picture of Bill Simmons' wife? If so, how much?

Thank you,
Ed