This little story of one fan's brush with the corporate machine that is the Toronto Blue Jays has been making the rounds, and I consider it a public service to bring it to your attention. Also, to crush your childhood dreams of ever winning a lucky seat contest.

This is a long quote, and highly sic'ed because the story needs to be told as is.

During the third inning, my seat, the ticket that I was holding, was written out on the Jumbotron screen as the winner of a promotion in which the lucky ticket holder would receive a game worn jersey off the back of a player in the lineup. They called it The Shirt Off Our Backs promotion, connotating that the Blue Jays would give anything for their fans.

Fuck that shit in the fucking ass!

As a thank you for buying the tickets, I offered the "winning" paper over to Elizabeth, with the condition that she pick John McDonald's sweat-drenched uniform because it would very likely be the last time he suits up for the Blue Jays and plays in Toronto. Her and Macho Man were thrilled at the prospect of winning something at the game, and looked forward to going on the field afterwards to collect their prize and meet the PMoD.

All through our congratulatory commotion, a crazy woman sitting nearby was going on and on about how they had made a mistake and that she was the real winner. We rolled our eyes and looked at each other with that knowing glance that said, "Aw, listen to this old, crazy cuntette going on about her insane delusions. Isn't that almost sweet and not fucking pathetic."

Well, it turns out that she was indeed correct and that we were the ones full of delusions. We deluded ourselves into thinking that tickets were randomly drawn by the fucking ridiculous clowns at Rogers Baseball Operations, and not already pre-selected by staff members.

You see, before the game had even begun the woman was chosen as a winner. I don't know if she was a Rogers employee or what the basis of her selection was, but I do know that being told your ticket was the winner on the fucking Jumbotron in front of 30,000 people who have mostly been led to believe that this was the result of a random draw is meaningless.

...

A quick trip to guest services, where a kind, but powerless, employee seemed as shocked as we were that the draw wasn't random. She took down our complaint of bullshit shenanigans, perhaps questioning our sanity to herself, and filed it away where it will no doubt sit unanswered until the paper itself decomposes.

...

I don't know how sinister the random draw was, and the winners may in fact have been random selections, but playing tricks, not only by making the six of us believe we had won something we had no chance of actually winning, but also by misleading an entire stadium full of people into believing that they too could possess a lucky ticket is the type of bush league bullshit you would never imagine happening anywhere outside of fiction.

Oh yeah, some NSFW language. I probably should have mentioned that too. Whatever, you just watched two people doing it in a Cowboys Stadium bathroom. You can handle a little blue language.

Outrage! Fucking Outrage! [Drunk Jays Fans]

Here's how the Toronto Star described this incident:

Reaching the warning track, he lunged, but missed the ball, unintentionally groping the female police officer sitting against the stands – not once but twice. For the first time in years, Alex Rodriguez was cheered good-naturedly at the Rogers Centre.

Geez, man. Get a room. (There's a bunch of them right in the stadium even!) Of course, as fans of Alex's many dalliances remember well, Toronto has always been one of his preferred pick up spots. Hey, the man knows what he likes. (Hint: It involves maple syrup.)

A-Rod Cops A Feel [The Score]
Romero not only one handled by Yankees [Toronto Star]

(*Yes, I know she's not a RCMP, but facts should not be obstacles to a headline.)

The Jays wanted J.A. Happ, Kyle Drabek, and Dominic Brown. The Phillies were all, "no way!" And the Jays were all, "way!" And the Phillies were all, "Nuh-uh!" And the Jays were all "Aww." I'm pretty sure those are standard trade operating procedures.

Is It Possible To Will A Trade Rumor Out Of Existence? There's some kind of information going around the the Detroit Tigers want to trade for Milton Bradley. I'm guessing it's part of the Tigers' new philosophy: "Trade for Farnsworth twice, shame on us, Trade for Farnsworth three times, shame on humanity."

Holy crap, the Tigers do not need another outfielder. Unless, of course, he's secretly a fantastic setup man. And perhaps the rumor is just a load of fertilizer, as the Tribune says there've been no talks between the teams. Phew.

The Mets Are More Than Willing To Part With Victor Zambrano For Him. Scott Kazmir might go to the Angels, who are looking for some kind of starting pitcher. They might also try to lure in Cliff Lee or Roy Halladay.

Actually, everyone wants Roy Halladay. I want Roy Halladay on my baseball team, which I am starting right now. I'd like 25 All-Stars, public funding for a stadium, and some kind of cool logo, please.

There. Baseball news. We now return you to your regularly scheduled weekend hijinks involving references to Crystalis and Gauntlet.

Actually, on second thought ... don't ever do this. You're not a big man, because you called Alex Rios a bum almost to his face; so what's accomplished by antagonizing him? Sure, he lost his cool and called you a "fucking idiot," but you kind of are. When you're in the stadium do whatever you want, but when you pull stuff like this on the street, now you're the asshole. So he didn't sign an autograph for a kid? Big deal. The kid needs to learn at an early age that collecting autographs of mediocre middle inoutfielders is a pointless and highly non-lucrative pursuit. The boy should be home playing video games or racing chickens on horseback anyway.

Seriously, an Alex Rios signature? That's guy's a bum!

Alex Rios Does Not Like Being Called A Bum [Drunk Jay Fans]

Or is this why they call them "Action Seats?" Either way, works for me. Fans behind the bench dressed as umpires might be the baseball equivalent of fans blowing whistles at NBA games. The extra umps didn't help the Blue Jays, though, as the Yankees walked off with a much-needed rout of the Blue Jays last night 8-2. Yankees starter Andy Pettitte also didn't have to deal with the crowd as much as A.J. Burnett did, for example:

Good Morning. It's Thursday. So as a tribute to the Frenchman who made the Burnett sign, I give you this. (NSFW-ish)

Danley was working the plate for last night Rangers-Blue Jays game in Toronto, when Hank Blalock sliced his bat in half on an infield popup. The barrel of the bat came around on the follow through of his swing and plunked Danley on the side of his head, knocking him for a loop. He was taken to the hospital, but reportedly did not lose consciousness.

Ironically, Danley may have been protected by the hockey-style mask that he adopted after getting hit in the face by a pitch last April at Dodger Stadium. (He was wearing the old school catcher's mask back then.) He was out of action for about six weeks as result of that injury and was also knocked out of a game in 2006 when he got hit on the collarbone. So either Danley needs to find a new line of work or he should start calling games from behind a motorcycle helmet and a police riot shield. Or how about the inside of a phone booth?

Home plate umpire Kerwin Danley struck in head by broken bat shard [Canadian Press]
Cruz, Kinsler homer as Rangers beat Blue Jays 5-4 [AP]

As we reported earlier, prohibition hit the Rogers Centre on Tuesday when the Alcohol and Gaming Commission of Ontario pulled their liquor license for the first of three dates this year. That meant Blue Jays fans had to sip from concealed flasks, hollow umbrella handles and Pilsner-filled baby bottles for the duration of the Blue Jays' 5-4 win over the Tigers. Something like this never really hits home until you see the photos.

Any Toronto fans out there who witnessed this sad occasion? Write us, so that we can tell the world your story.

Create-A-Caption: Dude, That's The Saddest Sports Picture Ever [Yahoo Sports]

Evidently the sellout crowd at the previous game, Monday's Opening Day, got all Bob and Doug McKenzie and was throwing various items at Tigers outfielders. That was the final straw for the Alcohol and Gaming Commission of Ontario, which banned alcohol (clubhouse included) on Tuesday. Also cited in the decision were previous infractions at concerts and a CFL game. The stadium's liquor license was suspended for three dates: The others April 21 (Toronto vs. Texas), and a CFL game on Aug. 1. April 21 is Messin' With Recession Night, when all upper deck seats are $4. Over-under on hollow prosthetic legs and fake pregnancies for that one: 1,112.

BJ's will still be allowed, however.

The Blue Jays' 12-5 win Monday was delayed nine minutes in the eighth inning when fans threw two baseballs in the direction of Detroit left fielder Josh Anderson and tossed a handful of paper planes and empty beer cups onto the field.

Anderson was pleased to hear alcohol would not be sold Tuesday. "That's good," he said. "These people can't handle it."

The only ones not drinking that day: These dorks.

Update: A couple of readers have pointed out that the alcohol ban actually was decided on prior to Monday's opener.

Blue Jays Ban Beer Sales Due To Unruly Fans [CBS11]

But, according to the Sun, this isn't the first time salaciousness has rocked the placidity of the Rogers Centre (and before that, the Skydome).

Since it opened in 1989, there have been at least three incidents at the hotel where couples were having sex in plain view of tens of thousands of fans, as well as one incident when a man was thrown out of the hotel for masturbating at the window, believing it was one-way glass.

Maybe these types of incidents are what fueled the usually-calm Roy Halladay to excoriate his team?

Topless Woman At Jay's Game [Ottawa Sun]

1. Blue Jays GM J.P. Ricciardi said, “We’ve done our homework on guys like Adam Dunn and there’s a reason why we don’t want Adam Dunn."
2. Dunn responded, "I know nothing about this clown. I have no idea who he is."
3. Ricciardi apologize.

And then something strange happened.

Ricciardi said he apologized to Dunn — it was a pretty stupid thing to say in the first place — and figured the matter was dropped. But, it turns out, the guy who called Ricciardi's cellphone, claiming he was Dunn, wasn't Dunn at all.

"I'm just so sick and tired of this first and foremost, but the real truth is no, I have not talked to him," Dunn said. "Again, I'm not going to go out of my way to apologize or get an apology from a guy I don't even know. So no, it didn't happen and I hope this is the last time I have to talk about it because I'm sick and tired of it. If he said he talked to me, then it's a lie."

Ricciardi was upset when Dunn's denial was presented to him.

"All I know is the person I talked to said it was Adam Dunn," said Ricciardi, who questioned Dunn's commitment to the game in an on-air discussion with a caller. "That's quite a prank to pull."

We love the idea of some sort of sports superhero prankster, who goes around prank calling players and executives to exacerbate already raw nerves and tensions. This superhero could have a lot of fun with Kobe and Shaq right now.

Are Howard Stern's Minions Calling The Toronto Blue Jays? [The Meaningful Collateral]

Several top sporting alienists agree on the positive benefits of the Barrymore Win, those laced through with drama. Sure, they count no more than the 10-1 kneeslapper to the bookkeepers of the game, but when a squad emerges victorious whilst squeezed by pressure, the release can have a knock-on effect. These Magellans of the psychosis must be giddy about the exploits of your Spartans in Scarlet, who cannot seem to agree upon a proper geographical surname, but inarguably represent the outlying areas of the City of Angels.

The I-5ers tucked another skip-away into their burgeoning pelts by defeating a game, and possibly gamey, group of Canucks from Toronto, 4-3. Appropriately on this Sabbath Day, the Lord’s Reps here on Earth were not left disappointed.

This particular left-columner was the fourth in a row for SoCal that included the scorebook addendum “X outs when winning run scored.” The consistent cliffhangers would be too much for the local imagineers who ply their trades in celluloid, and should, one hopes, be enough to get the Haloed Nine some much-needed buzz in the Southland, perhaps even breaking through the noise created by the pituitaryily-enhanced cagers currently wrapping up another season of lobbing balls into peach baskets across town.

Our beloved base ball is a cruel affair of zero-sum equations; for every smile in the home dressing room, there was an equivalent scowl in the visitors’. None was so anguished as that of Bluebird anchorman B.J. “Inverted L” Ryan, who took a fine performance worthy of a V by opening twirler A.J. “T.J.” Burnett and effectively flushed it down the commode. John Crapper himself would be astounded at such a thorough use of his invention.

Leading 3-2 entering the ultimate innings, B. followed A. with alphabetical precision. Yet the result was hardly as satisfying. The Brown Russian and Two-I Hunter immediately welcomed the new spinner with lashed safeties. “I wouldn't say we were happy that he came in, but Burnett was pretty much dealing and we wanted to see something different," offered Torii afterward, affirming the human need for variety (and, in tandem, the Spice Trade with Batavia).

Then, seemingly, the Decisive Moment—a puny bounder off the ash of Casey “Bird Dog’s Boy” Kotchman to his mirror at the Primary Sack, Lyle Overpaid, resulted in a tagout of Vladimir Ilyitch between bases three and four. The Stalin of Sock alertly prolonged the agony, allowing his fellow Winged Ones to advance along the Gilded Path. Mike “Backstabber” Napoli was Purposefully Passed to fully laden the bags. Alternate Ashman “Don” Juan Rivera went shopping at K-Mart, transporting our Canadian Cousins to within a single out of Eden.

But B.J. put a prophylactic on his club’s hopes for ecstasy (not to mention winning the three-game set). With Howie “Gigli” Kendrick at bat, the Confused Concluder missed his target by a wide margin, unless his aiming point was Howie’s triceps. The latterly plunking gave a trio of tallies for each side, and kept the bags brimming with Angelenos. El Cabron Pequeno, Maicer Izturis, strolled to the pentagon with a chance to be the Afternoon’s Achilles, and he didn’t disappoint, yanking the first doomed delivery by Ryan to the Far Grass. Kotchman’s toetag of the Glory Dish set off an all-too familiar celebration by the Quartz City Crew, while the Irritated Irishman trudged the walk of shame off the bump.

Kudos to Angels In America Darren “Scythe” Oliver and Jose “Beginner’s Luck” Arredondo, who caulked over a mediocre outing from Jon “Trade Bait” Garland. Arredondo in particular deserves plaudits, not merely for earning the V by holding the enemy to a duo of bingles in 2.1 innings, but for bouncing back so hardily in the face of adversity, having offered up a meatball that was sent over the planking on his very first offering in the Bigs. It’s that sort of fortitude in the face of Horsehide Haplessness that has delivered this plucky band of Seraphs to their current prominent placement in the divisional listings.

Meanwhile, there was no immediate word from the Loonies locker room on the mental capacity of Burnett, who once upon a time famously delivered a verbal whipping to his Sunshine State Spearfish mates after a tough defeat, after which, he was asked to vacate the premises with the alacrity of Mercury. After Ryan’s Harding-like performance in the Beer Frame, the Combustible Tosser, whose inner workings may well be stained by all the ink that has leached into his pores, has grounds for verbal battery. Given the rife potential that Burnett may be dangled at the midseason Swap Meet, repercussions wouldn’t likely be lasting.

With Marco Scutaro and Kevin Mench running from first and second, respectively, Cabrera made a diving backhand catch of a line drive by Lyle Overbay, touched second base to force Mench and then tagged out Scutaro. Observe:

You don't see it in the video, but as he ran off the field Cabrera flipped the ball into the stands. Isn't the ball used for the 14th triple play in baseball history kind of valuable? Unlike milestone home run balls, thing thing wasn't even marked, so it's lost to history I suppose. The Rockies' Troy Tulowitzki turned an unassisted triple play last season against the Braves. The last one in the AL was by Oakland's second baseman Randy Velarde, who did it against the Yankees in 2000. The first one in history was recorded by the Indians' Ball, in 1909. Wambsganss, a second baseman, had the only one in World Series play, in 1920 during Cleveland's Game 5 win over Brooklyn.

Fausto Carmona (4-1) earned the win for the Indians in the first game, and Cliff Lee lowered his ERA to .067 but failed to get the decision in the nightcap. Toronto's B.J. Ryan worked a scoreless ninth for the win.

• Zito Doesn't Lose! Barry Zito's record remained at 0-7 on Monday as he started and went five scoreless innings against the Astros, then losing a 3-0 lead in the sixth on a sacrifice fly and a two-run homer by Lance Berkman. You can hardly blame him for the latter; Berkman has recently signed a soul leasing agreement with Satan, setting a team record with 18 hits over five games and being named NL Player of the Week with a .682 batting average and 1.136 slugging percentage. Houston won 7-3.

• You're Not Funny! One reason newspapers are dying: Baseball beat reporters will laugh at anything. Witness the comedy stylings of Carlos Zambrano, following the Cubs' 12-3 win over the Padres on Monday. Zambrano (6-1) went seven strong innings in 41-degree weather to earn the win, prompting this line. "It's OK for me. I'm from Alaska,'' Zambrano said, drawing laughs at his postgame news conference. Tough crowd ... NOT. Zambrano deserves credit for great efforts on the mound and at the plate (a double and a single), but comedically he's a rung below Carlos Mencia. Note to sports media: Every word out of an athlete's mouth is not automatically comedy gold. Quit sucking up.

• Twofer Monday At Miller Park. Ryan Braun hit two homers for the second game in a row and two Cardinals were ejected — manager Tony LaRussa and catcher Yadier Molina — as the Brewers walloped St. Louis 8-3. Molina and La Russa were tossed for arguing balls and strikes in the fifth, shortly after the second of Braun's homers. Both came off of Adam Wainwright III (3-2), who is not prone to doing that sort of thing very often.

• Quote Of The Day. Manny Ramirez, who hit homer No. 498 in Boston's 7-3 loss to Minnesota on Monday: "I know I have two more to go, but I ain't counting." Whaaa?

Anyway, Frank Thomas is no longer a Blue Jay. And he must have really been a pain in the ass, because Toronto is eating $7,081,967 of his $8 million salary this season. Mmmm, bitter regret. And hey, with Frank on the market, good luck finding a job now, Barry Bonds!

The file on the Big Hurt: Last season he led the Jays with 26 homers and 95 RBI. But this year he's off to a .167 start, is hitless in his past 13 at-bats and has 11 RBI. Your Toronto Blue Jays are 10-9, 2 1/2 games behind first-place Boston in the East, and can't really afford a .167 black hole in the lineup at this point. But, is Thomas not an historically slow starter? Well, San Francisco Giants, here he comes. Toronto beat Detroit 5-3 on Sunday behind David Eckstein's three-run homer, the Tigers falling to 6-13.

• Eric The Half-A-Bee. Jimmy Rollins was banished to the 15-day DL, but Chase Utley was 3-for-3 and had two homers and Pedro Feliz had one homer to lead the Phillies past the Mets 5-4. Eric Bruntlett likely saved the game for Philadelphia with a diving stop on Carlos Beltran's hard grounder up the middle with two outs in the ninth and runners on first and second. Bruntlett threw out Beltran at first. Sweep avoided!

• More Injury Intrigue. Alex Rodriguez blew a tire in the sixth inning — prognosis not certain at this point — but not before he doubled and scored a run in the Yankees' 7-1 win over the Orioles. Andy Pettitte threw seven scoreless innings, Johnny Damon homered and Derek Jeter had a three-run double for the Death Star. That brings the Yankees to .500 (10-10).

• Strange Days. John Bowker has three career home runs — all against the Cardinals this month — and that's how weird this series has been. The Giants won it 4-3, with all seven games being played in the past 11 days. SF prevailed 8-2 on Sunday, behind Bengie Molina's three doubles and three RBI. Anyway it was all likely pretty annoying to this guy.

• Game Fish. And now a little Marlins love, as they retained first in the NL East (a half-game ahead of the Mets) with a 6-1 win over the Nationals. Time for Washington to break out that bucket of balls that the Pope blessed!

Hill dined on a Steve Trachsel curve in the third for a three-run homer, as Toronto collected 16 hits in an 11-3 win over Baltimore. Hill is looking good in that 2 spot, is he not? Every Blue Jays starter had at least one hit; David Eckstein with three. It's all good news for Jays fans, who desperately need to update their banner collection.

Of course with all of the gala Jackie Robinson Day festivities throughout the majors, it only makes sense that Major League baseball's official blog site, MLBlogs, makes no mention of it on its front page whatsoever; instead featuring a post about Alyssa Milano's blog as its lead story this morning.

• The Meteoric Fall Of The Black And Gold. The aforementioned Dodgers rode the arms of Esteban Loaiza and Hong-Chih Kuo to an 11-2 win over the Pirates, ending Pittsburgh's four-game winning streak. But Pirates fans should be reminded that things could be a lot worse. Jeff Kent — who has to be older than John McCain, right? — and Russell Martin had home runs. And all of this despite the fact that Andruw Jones won't let anyone else near the buffet table.

• Tigers On Sizzling Two-Game Winning Tear. Miguel Cabrera had two-run homer in the eighth as Detroit stopped Minnesota 6-5. Magglio Ordonez homered and drove in two runs, and Gary Sheffield and Carlos Guillen also hit home runs for Detroit, which scored six in the eighth.

• Dusty And The Blustery Day. Dusty Baker's first 2008 Wrigley Field win was windy and boo-infested, just the way he likes them. Chicago won 9-5 in his second game back versus his old team (anyone remember the Cubs' last-place finish in 2006?), although he was booed each time he left the dugout. Derrek Lee had his fifth homer of the season for Chicago (wind-aided), and teammates Mark DeRosa and Ryan Theriot also homered. The latter was batting for the injured Alfonso Soriano. Ken Griffey Jr. hit his 595th homer for the Reds.

• Jason Varitek; Secret Pinch-Hitting Weapon. Boom goes the dynamite!

Now, I'm not saying that girl's fat, but I am saying David Eckstein inquired after the game if her navel is available for rent.

No, No, Away From The Middle Of The Plate. We all knew this. The Giants season will be a work-in-progress. Jonathan Sanchez, Keiichi Yabu and Brad Hennessey learned the hard way that pitches down the middle of the plate? Well, those tend to turn into extra base hits, some of which land beyond the fances. Bill Hall had two such hits, finishing the day 3-for-5 with 6 RBI in a 13-4 rout of the Giants on Milwaukee's Opening Day. No non-streaking streakers were seen on the field, but there will be more Brewers shenanigans later on in the day, so stay tuned.

Why Detroit Should Panic. Bud Selig, in an effort to fight any potential waning interest in the sport, sped up the league on his video game to merely play a 23-game season. Every game in April counts. So now that the Detroit Tigers remain winless after an 8-5 loss to the White Sox, there are only 19 more games left to reach the playoffs. The trading deadline is next Thursday. And we're too far in the season to change the league settings to "Rookie." And you don't have enough room left on your memory card to start a new Franchise Mode. You're screwed, Detroit, and you're too much of a chicken to just hit the Reset button.

Six Months Too Late. When we last saw the Diamondbacks, they were getting swept right out of the NLCS. Now it's April, and Arizona was finally able to contain the Rockies bats in an 8-1 victory. Micah Owings struck out nine in 6 2/3 inning, allowing just two hits. Unfortunately, it's nearing the end of the second trimester of the Rockies championship, so trying to abort the pure and beautiful miracle that Colorado achieved last year might be considered feticide today. Please consult your local constable.

Down 11 Is The Perfect Time To Rally. The Texas Rangers had a blowout all wrapped up in California, but then Dustin Nippert happened. Bestowed an 11-0 lead in the ninth inning, Nippert promptly allowed six runs on five hits, leaving the mound with the game still in progress. Eddie "That's Where He Went" Guardado swooped in with two runners on base to get the final out and salvage the win, 11-6. Before the commotion, Ben Broussard hit a grand slam and Kasey Gabbard threw seven scoreless innings for the win.

Damn, it feels good to write a closer about a sport I understand.