Russian high jumper accused of jumping under the influence of red bull and vodka [FanHouse]

So is this the Japanese, softball version of the Miracle On Ice? In the most significant achievement for a Japanese female since O-Ren became head of the Ikuta Clan, Yukiko Ueno scattered five hits to lead Japan over the U.S. 3-1 in the gold medal game. What? (Checks notes). It was the Americans' first loss since 2000 — 22 straight games — in a tournament in which they had outscored opponents 60-3.

And it's not like they'll get a chance for revenge anytime soon: Softball will not be part of the 2012 Games in London; ironically due in part to the Americans' domination of the sport. Crystl Bustos' homer provided the U.S. with its only run, and now, sadly, she will not be able to achieve her dream of adding an "a" to her first name. While the U.S. team considered committing seppuku, the Japanese of course celebrated in the traditional way, by levitating their star player and leading her out of the stadium like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day balloon.

• U.S. Beats Brazil In Soccer. Dogs And Cats, Living Toether ... Mass Hysteria. This just in; the U.S. women's soccer team — now officially labled as "scrappy" — beat Brazil 1-0 in overtime for the gold medal. Carli Lloyd's left-footed shot to the far post from outside the box won it in extra time. Brazil had beaten the U.S. 4-0 in the 2007 World Cup, so this was a surprise.

• Doh! ... Doh! Both the U.S. men's and women's 400-meter relay teams dropped the baton at key moments on Thursday — although I suppose that anytime during the race would qualify as a key moment — and once again we miss out on some gold medals. Darvis Patton and Tyson Gay misconnected on the final pass in preliminaries, and then Torri Edwards and Lauryn Williams did the same thing for the women's team.

• Hero Worship. Good piece by NBC's Alan Abrahamson on Michael Phelps' friendship with Stevie Hansen, a young boy who was stricken with cancer. Definitely worth a look.

• Why The Long Face? Four Olympic athletes banned for doping. Oh, did I mention they're all horses?

And now it's time to play Know Your Usain Bolt:

• Native of Trelawny, Jamaica.

• Original sport of choice: Cricket.

• Also enjoys: Dancing.

• Michael Johnson quote: "Incredible. He got an incredible start. Guys of 6-5 should not be able to start like that. It's that long, massive stride. He's eating up so much more track than others. He came in focused, knowing he would likely win the gold and he's got the record."

He beat Churandy Martina by 0.52 second — about four body length — the largest margin of victory in an Olympic 200 since the first race in 1900. The last man to hold both world records simultaneously was Donald Quarrie, also from Jamaica.

And the best thing about this? In a sport where record-breaking sprinters are always under suspicion for doping, Bolt has never failed a drug test, nor is he a suspiciously late bloomer. I say that his success is due to his carefully regimented diet.

Update: Awful Announcing comes through with video from the BBC feed:

Bolt Blasts 200 Meter Field in 19.3 world record [USA Today]

Her father has 23 children, 9 with her mother, Harrison said. Her sisters have names like Graceful, Empress, Princess and Muun. An older brother is named God Goldin Zig Zag Zig Allah.

Of her own name, Harrison said: “It’s a challenging name to live up to. When your dad names you Queen, you’re kind of expected to be great in whatever you put your mind to.”

Her siblings, who range in age from 33 to 11, are named Graceful, Zuequal, Muun, King Master, Princess, Goldin, Queen, Empress and Victory. Not only that, but her father — currently in prison on drug charges — should be released just in time to see her in the Olympics, which will be his first time seeing her race. All of this is causing Bob Costas to thank the leprechaun gods for timing his birth so that he would be broadcasting these Olympics. Look for him to mention this family about, oh, 200 times next month.

Hurdling All Obstacles [Washington Post]
A Hurdler Lives Up To Her Name [The New York Times]

'When she took my purse I had to do something so I ran after her and grabbed her as hard as I could," Wiliamson, a mother of seven, said. "She said she hadn't taken it at first, so I shook the life out of her until she finally gave it back. It makes me so mad when people try to take your things."

Said Simeon Williamson, 22:

"She can be very friendly but also pretty scary when she wants to be – you wouldn't have wanted to be the thief. And there's no controlling her – you just have to stand back and hope she's all right as she doesn't think about the consequences."

Somewhere, Matlock is smiling.

Olympian's Granny Fights Off Mugger [ ]
Olympic Supergran Chases Down Thief [Metro.com.uk]

From Outsports:

Apparently, they have set a filter to change many instances of “gay” to “homosexual,” which is how Tyson Gay, who set a record in the 100-meter dash this weekend, changed his name. This occurs on searches and on their home page, but the actual AP story linked from the site does use “Tyson Gay.” Headline writers everywhere are delighted the name change is only virtual.

A quick check of their site seems to indicate that they've fixed the problem; at least on the site itself. Although I'll bet there was much debate over at the OneNewsNow offices.

Tyson Gay Picks Up Speed Outside Fast-Food Lane [Los Angeles Times]
Run Like The Wind [NBC Sports]
World's Fastest Man: Tyson Homosexual [Outsports]

This bloodied but unbowed runner is Alicia Follmar of Stanford, who took a spill at the start of the women's distance medley at the prestigious Penn Relays. She quickly recovered and managed to finish third.

As a not particularly serious and not particularly accomplished runner (I did the Marine Corps Marathon in under four whole hours!) I'm glad to throw a ton of credit Follmar's way. A great deal of running is drowning out the continuous pain that accompanies every pounding step. I can only imagine how someone manages to do it well with a nasty laceration to their temple.

Javelin Horror Overshadows Meeting [Sporting Life]

In a decision I'm sure she won't regret years from now, 16 year-old student Windy Hager married her 40-year-old track coach Brenton Wuchae on Monday. After the ceremony, he also resigned from the school where he taught, which was probably a good idea ... either because he'd be fired anyway, or because he'd eventually find a 13-year-old he liked more.

Sigh. It's hard to understand how something gets to this point ... where a 40-year-old man decides that a 16-year-old girl will never change her mind or want anything else in her life, or how the parents end up signing the consent forms. And unlike Pacman Jones, there's not a haircut this guy can get to make anyone feel better about him.

Coach, 40, Weds 16-Year-Old Student [ABC News]

I was planning on posting pics of Josh Scobee's shaved scrotum and Dwyane Wade's right-ass cheek, but The Mighty MJD sort of beat me to it. Instead, I offer this odd little video of Track and Field asses set to the musical beats of Heavy D & the Boyz's Nuttin But Love.

If you enjoy your women looking like they could snap you in half, then I imagine you'll get a kick out of this, but please, please, please take caution of competitor #583 around the 2:15 minute mark. She sort of looks like The Natural Disasters long lost cousin.

And oh, in case you haven't figured it out yet: Yes, I plan on posting every slightly sports-related video I possibly can. And why not? It's not like anyone's doing any real work today. I mean, check out the guy two cubicles down from you ... he's watching Nacho Libre for crying out loud!

Sports Women Track & Field 8 [YouTube]
Yep... That's a Kicker's Dong [Deadspin]
Kobe Displays His Beef [Deadspin]

She's a man! (Sorry for shouting).

An Indian runner who won a silver medal in the women's 800 meters in the Asian Games this month has failed a gender test and is expected to be stripped of the medal, according to reports Monday. Santhi Soudarajan took the gender test in Doha, Qatar, after the victory.

The medical evaluation panel usually includes a gynecologist, endocrinologist, psychologist, and comedian Sinbad ("Women be different than men!").

We suggest testing everyone, just to be sure. This includes the official mascot. Bend over, Orry.

Indian 'Woman' Runner Fails Gender Test [MSNBC]

Apparently things are different in Far Eastern religion.

A Thai Asian Games gold medalist will run around his training track naked after his prayers were answered as he awaited the result of a photo-finish. Sittichai Suwonprateep, who ran the last leg of the men's 4x100 meter relay final on Tuesday, said he prayed while waiting anxiously for a decision which ruled he had got to the finish line just ahead of Japan's Shinji Takahira. "I didn't know what to do while waiting for the photo result so I just told all the spirits and sacred objects I worship that if I won I would run naked," Sittichai told Reuters. "I am not sure if this gold medal was the result of my ability or the power of the spirits I prayed to."

Now Lord, let's discuss women's tennis ....

Athlete Wins Gold After Promising To Run Naked [MSNBC]

Ben Johnson dramatically alleged superstar Carl Lewis was "involved" in a conspiracy to sabotage the Canadian's drug sample and bring on the biggest scandal in Olympic history. Johnson, who lost the 100m gold medal and world record after failing a drug test at the 1988 Seoul Olympics, said it had taken 18 years but he now knows who spiked his drink. "I have the information on how it was done and why it was done this way and who was behind it," Johnson said yesterday.Asked whether Lewis had anything to do with the alleged sabotage, Johnson replied: "I won't say too much but . . . he's involved."

"I've been speaking to my lawyer and he wants to keep it as low (key) as possible until next June. We're trying to get some information, try to get that guy (a US footballer) to speak.''

As much as we love the idea that an American football player drugged Ben Johnson's beer in South Korea at the orders of Carl Lewis — how old was Michael Irvin then, anyway? — we must confess considerable skepticism concerning Johnson's story. Now, if the beer-poisoning perp would have been humming some rock show goodness, well, we might be swayed.

Lewis Sabotage Claim [News.com]

Life as a judge in the javelin toss ain't so easy ... there is, for example, the whole issue of being hit with a javelin.

Unfortunate Javelin Judge [People's Daily Online]

Just as a reminder, here's a brief history of previous Marion Jones doping accusations:

• Her ex-husband, C.J. Hunter (a doper himself), once testified that he witnessed Jones injecting herself with steroids.
• Victor Conte told 20/20 that he supplied Jones with various illegal performance enhancers during and after the 2000 Sydney Olympics.
• Lance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada reported that BALCO had provided Jones with some banned substances.

This one doesn't exactly fall into the category of "tragic downfall of once-beloved hero." This one's more in the "no freakin' kidding" category. But, you know, innocent until proven guilty, waiting for the 'B' sample, all of that. I'm sure we're all willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.

M. Jones Failed Drug Test in June [Washington Post]

I cannot account for these results, because I have never knowingly used any banned substance or authorized anyone else to administer such a substance to me. In the course of my entire professional career, I have been tested more than 100 times. All of the tests this season, including the out-of-competition and in-competition tests conducted just before and after the race in Kansas, were negative.

Oh, good, so he has a copy of the "What To Say When You Test Positive" handbook. Surely, there were one or two of those laying around, as his coach, Trevor Graham, was heavily involved with the BALCO investigation. Victor Conte himself wrote to the U.S. Anti-Doping agency, alleging that Graham doped the bejeezus out of his athletes. More details can be found here in this excellent San Francisco Chronicle article.

Anyway, Gatlin faces a lifetime ban from competition, because it's not the first time he's tested positive. They can't ban him from future appearances on Pros vs. Joes, though. So he's got that going for him.

Gatlin nailed for doping [SFGate.com]

Well, the sainted souls at The Big Lead somehow got a hold of Carl's invitation to his 45th birthday party, and hoo boy, it sounds like some kind of party. You can download the PDF right here, but here's some highlights.

Sunday, June 25: Miami
"Lusty Lingerie." The sizzling nights of South Beach just got hotter with my steamy lingerie party. The attire ... well, less is definitely more.

Friday, June 30: Atlantic City
"Sexy Sports Night." This is my final bash, so help me cross the finish line and join in the countdown to my actual birthday (Midnight July 1). The attire is naughty sportswear, so get creative and make it HOT!!!

It's worth noting, by the way, that the birthday celebration starts on June 14 and ends June 30. We would make fun of Carl Lewis by pointing out that only Carl Lewis would think his birthday is worthwhile enough for a two-week celebration, but we're pretty sure he'd agree with us.

Crash the Many Birthday Parties Of Carl Lewis [The Big Lead]
Carl Lewis "Break It Up!" [YouTube]
Carl Lewis Birthday Bash (PDF)

Now. We're not experts in the art of timing a man running, but nevertheless: We call bullshit. We cannot imagine a single timing mechanism so finely calibrated that it can so obviously distinguish one-hundreth of a second to the point that a world record can be taken away. We are willing to grant — we suppose — that such a timer exists and is used in international competition. (Again: We guess.) But how, exactly, was it determined that not only was that clock off — by one-hundreth of a second no less — but another clock, which happened to be in the vicinity, was more accurate? Is this how it works? Really?

If we were Gatlin or his agent, we'd be screaming bloody hell. But apparently, they're taking it well.

"This is just more incentive for Justin to go out and break the world record again officially," his agent Renaldo Nehemiah told Reuters from his home in Reston, Virginia. "He is in excellent shape for this time of the year. That bodes well for him."

(By the way, that's the same Renaldo Nehemiah who played for the 49ers.)

That quote makes us even more suspicious. That's your first reaction? No appeal? No gnashing of teeth and rending of garments?

The official explanation? "Based on his time recorded after winning the race, Gatlin ran 9.766 seconds, which was then announced as a world record 9.76, the statement read. According to IAAF rules, this should have been rounded up to 9.77." So this was a rounding error? That's it? Any fourth grader knows to round up; when a world's record is at stake, one would think it would be noticed. Sorry: We think something's fishy with a BALCO stink.

Gatlin's World Record Revoked [Reuters]

9.76 seconds. Damn. I can't even fathom how fast that is. I don't think I can go that fast in a car. It's a mind-boggling number, and it's the fastest ever recorded, so, not to go all Daily Quickie on you, but I think you could do a lot worse than bringing up the world record in the 100m in your discussions of most impressive athletic feats in history.

It's been a huge month for Justin Gatlin. There's this world record, and just a few weeks ago, he was on Pros vs. Joes with Brandi Chastain, Herschel Walker, and Darren Daulton. Obviously, the conclusion to be drawn here is that an appearance on Pros vs. Joes can do nothing but help an athlete's career. It's not too late for John Rocker to get himself into the 2006 Cy Young discussion.

Gatlin guns down 100m record [The Age]
Justin Gatlin: 9.76 [Sportolyis]

The email, which called Castro a "bean-eating piece of shit," among other things, was inspired, Zeigle says, by Castro's pushing of Jackie's sister, Laura, another cross country runner, at a party. (Castro says he was trying to separate Laura's ex-boyfriend from a fight they were having.) Laura is Jackie's twin sister, and she will remain on the team.

It's a sad day for the Zeigle sisters, actually; O'Neal seems to be just another meathead lineman, but the Zeigle twins were once among cross country's fastest rising stars. This story in American Profile magazine from 2002 details their friendship and their devout Christianity; Laura was actually a Nike Athlete Of The Year that season. And now Jackie's getting kicked off the team for racist emails, and Laura's getting in fights at parties, and we ask again: What in the world is going on in Boulder these days?

A Gift For Speed [American Profile]
Recipient Of Racist Email Satisfied With CU's Actions [Rocky Mountain News]

That said, it's impossible not to be happy for tiny Asian man Kozo Haraguchi this morning, who yesterday set the world record in the 100-meter "dash" for men aged 95-99. His time was 22.04 seconds. His quote is precious:

"I ran, thinking I shouldn't fall because everyone was cheering for me. I will keep working as hard as possible."

We suppose that's what really matters when you're 95 years old and running a sprint: If you can make it without falling, odds are pretty good you're going to set some sort of record.

Haraguchi Breaks 100m Track World Record [ChinaView]