You know who else is white? Larry Bird, the Pacers president and the whitest white boy of all time. In a league that is almost 90% non-white guys, Bird has assembled a roster that is 50% see-through and just drafted the whitest of white hopes, Tyler Hansborough. So what gives? Does Bird secretly have a thing for his pale brothers?

Red (Auerbach) never saw color. And I don't, either. I just pick them. If we hadn't taken Tyler Hansbrough, it would have been Ty Lawson. And if I could have gotten another pick (later in the first round), I would have taken Sam Young or Wayne Ellington."

So he's really just prejudiced in favor of Tar Heels? Anyway, Kravitz then points out that eight of Bird's 10 draft picks have been black and that he once famously said that he was insulted when teams tried to guard him with a white guy. So why would you even ask such a silly question?

In the end, it's not about black and white, but the bottom line is printed in black and white.

Wins and losses.

And nothing else matters.

Oh, so I guess he's not racist. He just loves to lose.

Bob Kravitz: Are Pacers too white? No, all Bird cares about are finding guys who can play [Indianapolis Star]

It's usually because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday (except today, because we actually have off tomorrow for the 4th of July — more on that later.) until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy...

Urban's A Happy Drunk

"Urban getting his wine on"

Tyler Hansbrough Is Very Photogenic

This was taken just hours after he was drafted. thought you would enjoy. Wasted? or caugth off guard. you be the judge.

This was taken just hours after he was drafted. thought you would enjoy. Wasted? or caugth off guard. you be the judge.

Angry Joe Devanna Returns!

I'll Alert The Video Editor Immediately

Sir, If You Let Me Know Who You Are, I'd Gladly Take It Down

Please Tell Me You Remember This Guy

lubert if you readin this here is esactly what happens. we was playin horshoe for like hour and i musta throw it like a thousand time. EVER time i throw it never make it even close to that pole. some time it only go like half way there AT TEH MOST. so there was little boy there and he start laughin at me and pointin and say "(laughs) hey look, stups cant even reach that pole."
so that make me real mad and probly very sad. so next time it is my turn i decide that i gonna throw it as hard as you can. so i close my eyes and put my arm all the wya back and (grunts) I throw my arm forward as hard as i ever can in my life. now here is where it is a problem, them horsoe is HEAVY. and teh weight of it just carry my arm real fast and miss teh part whyen you supposeda let go.

to be honets it didn't real help that my eyes was closed. anyways, finally i let it go and i open my eyes to see where that thing is gonna land. i was even even hopin for one one of them rigners. I was just hopin to get in even CLOSED to where that pole is. I feel like i waitin forever to see where that horshoe land. I dont see it all.

I still didn't know that it was from me, I thought maybe someone just chucks at her. Finally qwerts come over and say (real soft in teh ear) "hey stusa, you do this. you hang onto it too long at it fly over you head and hit tonky in back." I was devistating. i never, never, ever, NREVER would do that. it seem like just yesterday we was laughin about that video with that chimanzee.

and now i feel like we is never gonna laugh about that stuff agian. i am heartbroke and i am cryin most times. yesterday i cry even during gilligans and jimmy c come over and start doin he benji impressions just to cheer me up. i hope you will see this and you will knew that i dont mean it and i hope tonka is happy and healthy for teh rest of she life. (crying0

stu1ds

p and s - lubert if you readin this i so sorry that i hit you gramma with teh horshoe. i hurtin so much inside

Blake Griffin, No. 1

Patti says: "He's not even really wanting to shake hands with the commissioner. He's not turning his body or extending his arm out. The commissioner has to do all the work. It ends up looking like Blake Griffin is holding a baseball bat rather than shaking a hand."

Hasheem Thabeet, No. 2

Patti says: "Hasheem looks like a parent looking at a child. His facial expression, his smile is not, 'Ooh, this is an honor.' It's, 'Oh, you're a little boy, commissioner.' His outer hand is on the commissioner's arm. That's a power handshake. That shows he feels powerful, in control. He's literally making him move the way he wants him to move."

Tyreke Evans, No. 4

Patti says: "Tyreke has his shoulders back and away, but his head is down. This is a conflicted movement. He's not comfortable and happy and in the moment. He's just kind of awkward. The commissioner looks much more confident, sure of himself. But Tyreke looks like he doesn't know what he's supposed to do. That index finger is really significant. You put out that finger when you're a little bit fearful."

Ricky Rubio, No. 5

Patti says: "He's shy. Even though he has a nice smile on his face, there's some stiffness to it. He's happy, but there's tension in this moment for him. The one thing that he is doing: He's giving a really nice, full handshake. He's connected to the commissioner. The other guys, it was more for show."

Jonny Flynn, No. 6

Patti says: "This is my favorite. He's not only joyful, but his whole body is leaning in toward the commissioner. He's actually putting weight on the commissioner, letting go of some of his power with that huge slant. He's lifting the commissioner's hand up a little bit as he's doing this. This is a totally different level of warmth."

Stephen Curry, No. 7

Patti says: "He's totally off-balance in this moment, and you see that throughout the whole body. His left arm is out to his side, reaching in the other direction — it's like he wants to be someplace else. There's a lot of tension around the head. He's not happy. He's feeling very awkward and doesn't want to be in this place."

Tyler Hansbrough, No. 13

Patti says: "This is the first one where we've seen a lot of stiffness around the commissioner's mouth. He's forcing a smile. Maybe he's been doing handshakes for awhile and has to fake it. And Tyler is just kind of, 'Uhhhh, God.'"

Jrue Holiday, No. 17

Patti says: "Wow. His posture is so different. That's the posture of somebody who was in the ROTC or the church, or who was raised by someone religious. Very erect, very proud bearing. His clasp on the commissioner is very warm. It surrounds the hand. He's not mad. He's not upset. He's not super-happy. He's just more self-contained and just very respectful."

From spectacular Tar Hell JJones:

Here's Tyler Hansbrough signing autographs before a barnstorming tour stop in Gastonia, NC— the home of Sun-Drop, Fred Drust, and James Worthy. Mr. Psycho T looks very intelligent while signing his masterpiece.

For those not familiar with "barnstorming," read this article. It's a big deal in North Carolina.

Yawwwwn! Alright, lemme get my coffee and we'll get this bitch on track today. Stop jumping on the bed. Here. Watch this:

Now that his career is over and he's got his national championship, everyone must now take a position on his relative worth as a college basketball player. The four-year senior seems like an endangered species these days and the four-year starter is an even more rare bird, so players like Psycho T are at the very least unique. But does longevity alone make him good? If he was truly the best college player of the last 20 years, why is he even still in college?

One thing that people do seem to agree on, is that they don't like him. He's goofy looking, people like Dick Vitale won't stop praising him and he's from Missouri! What's not to hate? But he's not just a "scrappy white guy" in the mold of Duke's carousel of "character." He's probably a better athlete than the man he's so often compared to—Christian Laettner—although maybe not as versatile. He's more decorated than anyone since Laettner and he (usually) came up big when it counted. (Four-and-oh at Duke and three ACC titles.) He scored 18 points in the championship game last night and you probably barely realized he was there. I think everyone has to grudgingly agree that the guy has some skills.

Yes, he looks like a Muppet, but a Muppet who can play basketball.

A Heartfelt Tribute to Psycho-T [Seth Curry Saves Duke]
Shanoff's WUC.: Awful Game, Awesome Champ [Sporting Blog]
Well, He Got His Title [Rumors and Rants]
Regarding Tyler Hansbrough's Legacy [The Big Lead]

Of course, you probably didn't need the picture and headline to guess that the hulking figure in question was Tyler Hansbrough. Psycho T. The Great White Pope. (That's not a typo.) The man, the myth ... the Claymation legend.

I don't know who put together this delicious Play-Doh tribute to North Carolina's greatest champion or how many man hours it took to create it, but I'm just glad there's an internet on which to share it. You should tell your grandkids about this someday.

Ty Hanosaurus Rex [YouTube]

Hansbrough made a controversial defensive stop in the final seconds as top-ranked North Carolina beat the Hokies 79-76 in the Atlantic Coast Conference Tournament. But even before Tech coach Seth Greenberg could begin complaining about preferential treatment by the officials (although he did throw his coat), Hansbrough was running off the court. Confusion ensued.

After A.D. Vassallo missed a 3-pointer that would have forced overtime, Hansbrough sprinted toward the tunnel near the North Carolina bench. He ran into a group of cheerleaders, who steered him toward the proper Georgia Dome exit. "Yeah, everybody's laughing about that," Hansbrough said. "I knew it was the wrong tunnel, but I came back out, I saw some friends in the front row laughing about it. Everybody (on the team) was pointing and laughing. I said, 'OK, whatever.'"

Greenberg was less jovial when perusing the stats. Virginia Tech was called for 20 fouls, North Carolina 14. The Hokies never reached the bonus during the second half.

"I guess we foul and they don't," Greenberg said sarcastically.

NCAA Tournament not yours, VT.

Your ACC Tournament lineup: Wake Forest is playing Maryland now, teddy-bear lovable Duke takes on Boston College after that. UNC vs. Florida State tomorrow in the first semifinal. Duke-Maryland in the other semi? Get out your Scheyer big heads!

UNC Survives BC, But Not Without Controversy [NBCSports]

The Cameron Crazies think that Hansbrough looks exactly like Beaker, and who am I to argue? According to the Charlotte Observer, this guy even made some of the North Carolina players crack up last night when he paraded near their bench (that's 'D League' written on his T-shirt, with Hansbrough's number). It has all backfired for Duke, however: Thus enraged by the mockery, Hansbrough saves his best efforts for games at Cameron. He's undefeated there in four tries.

Also humorous: Roy Williams as Dr. Bunsen Honeydew.

From Beaker's Wikipedia page: In a 2004 Internet poll sponsored by the BBC and the British Association for the Advancement of Science, Beaker and Dr. Bunsen Honeydew were voted Britain's favourite cinematic scientists. They beat Mr. Spock, their closest rival, by a margin of 2 to 1 and won 33 percent of the 43,000 votes cast.

Cameron Crazies Take Aim At Hansbrough [Charlotte Observer]

When attempts to wake him failed, a flight attendant yelled for assistance from some “big, strong basketball players." Within seconds, Hansbrough had sprung from his seat six rows up and rushed to the man’s side...Holding him chest-high, [Hansbrough, Thompson and the Video Coordinator] carried him to the galley, where paramedics rendered aid for nearly 30 minutes.

You know, if you read that paragraph out of context, changed "paramedics" to "nurses", and winked at the "rendered aid" part, you've got yourself a whole different type of airplane story there.

In all seriousness, good on these guys. I hereby award them the first annual Tony Gonzalez Award, awarded for displaying leadership in the field of "Really? People don't treat you like enough of a hero in your day-to-day existence, that you have to literally go out and save somebody's life?"

Actually, I guess the video coordinator doesn't technically qualify. But what the heck - keep it, ya big, film-splicing, heroic lug, ya.

Don't forget to send your tips to tuffyr@gmail.com and gourmetspud@gmail.com. Never, ever forget.

Hansbrough, Heels aid ailing man on plane [Yahoo]

The reason the scene in Almost Famous worked so well is because that's the type of thing only a famous person could get away with. We'd stay in school for that too.

Earlier this season, a great debate was raging about which of two superior college basketball players should be named Player of the Year.

Our choices at that time were simple: Did we value the smooth versatility of Kansas State's Michael Beasley, or the gritty determination of North Carolina's Tyler Hansbrough? Some cast it as callow Freshman vs. Experienced Upperclassman. Some went for style vs. substance. Some even said it came down to black vs. white. In the end, it was the success of Hansbrough's team, and his ability to produce when the game was in doubt, that put him over the top and garnered him the Naismith award.

That was before the NCAA tournament started. Since then, Beasley's Wildcats flamed out in the second round, and Hansbrough has continued to prove his worth. But hold up, partner. There's a new gun in town. Stephen Curry appeals to both camps - he has been effortlessly dynamic, putting up an average of 32 points per game in four tournament appearances. He has also been gritty, willing his team back from deficits and coming through in the clutch (mostly). And he has a hot mom. So, can we go back to early March and vote him POY?

No need. The John R. Wooden award, college basketball's version of the Heisman Trophy, has been in play this entire time. Wooden award panelists had until 3 p.m. yesterday to vote, which means they saw Curry's incredible explosion in the tournament and have no doubt given it all due weight in their deliberations. Of course, Hansbrough has also been excellent thus far, but it can be argued that his supporting cast of McDonald's All Americans made his path a bit easier.

The award won't be announced until April 12, but we can all dream in the meantime. Perhaps the distinguished voters were swayed. Maybe this year The Chicken Dancing Fetus can take the prize from Beaker with a Bowl Cut. Or, heck. It could still be Beasley.

The Final Wooden Award Ballot: [WoodenAward.com]

This is from a North Carolina fanboard — and from Matt Viser's upcoming North Carolina Sweet 16 preview — but we absolutely cannot stop laughing at it. Tyler Hansbrough ... MIMI!!

(Sorry. We love Beaker. Here's our favorite Beaker clip.)

Now back to your "basketball."

Ginyard talked All-America forward Tyler Hansbrough into going with him to the salon last summer, and the muscular sophomore is now a regular. "It's just something that feels good,'' said the 6-foot-9 Hansbrough, who tends to get extra work done on his right foot.

Forward Danny Green has a less enlightened view on the clipping and the scrubbing and the whatever-the-heck-else they do in there.

"It was nice, but I don't know if I'm going to have too many of those,'' he said. "There were a lot of girls in there, and it felt real feminine, kinda. We were reading magazines, and all they had there were Cosmos and stuff like that."

We don't know if society has progressed to the point that male pedicures have lost their stigma — though if you see pretty much any guy's feet, you know they probably should — but we're pretty sure A-Rod get them. Not much question about that, actually.

The Secret to Tyler Hansbrough's Success: Pedicures [The Big Lead]
Best Foot Forward [News & Observer]

Some blessed soul has posted the sheet the Crazies were given before the North Carolina-Duke game last week, and it's chock-full of fruity goodness. Some highlights:

• "Maryland fans yell 'Bullshit' on a bad call, but, to be honest, we have more class and are more creative than that. On bad calls, try chanting 'We Beg To Differ.'"
• "Obviously, do not insult Rutgers."
• "Andrew Tyler Hansbrough ... a 20-year-old freshman ... alien-like features ... Bobby Frasor was at his desk when Tyler woke up screaming about snakes in a nightmare."

Actually, we really enjoyed this document; for the first time, it kind of sounds like fun to be a Cameron Crazy. Except when, uh, they lose on Senior Night to North Carolina.

Cameron Crazies Worksheet [PutFile]