The ploy didn't work for South Africa, but still, a few rolls of Charmin might come in handy. You never know.

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Thanks for your continued support on Deadspin, especially on summer Saturdays. Barry Petchesky's on board tomorrow, so look forward to that. Now go outside while the sun's still out.

Whenever it knocks off a highly-regarded opponent, the United States tends to draw hyperbolic responses from the press. Every major win — hell, even a notable tie — is greeted with an almost unparalleled optimism for the future of the game. This one will impact the country's appreciation of soccer, aficionados claim, citing all the same reasons. You just watch.

And yes, maybe the Yanks' win over Spain will be The One, especially if they couple it with another Greatest Win Ever against Brazil tomorrow. But if history is any indication, then this unbridled glee will disappear soon, at least until the U.S. returns to South Africa next year. And then, if it advances past the round robin stage, we'll hear the same echoes of hope, just as we have in the past:

1994 World Cup: U.S. 2, Colombia 1

"This game is going to have a permanent effect" on soccer in America, said Alan Rothenberg, president of the United States Soccer Federation. "It's the biggest so far in history."

1995 Copa America: U.S. 3, Argentina 0

The United States defeated Argentina, 3-0, in the Copa America tournament tonight, and in the process engineered one of the most significant victories in American soccer history. For Argentina — a two-time World Cup champion and the two-time defending champion of this South American tournament — the game was supposed to be a warmup for the quarterfinals, as it already had clinched a berth. The United States, however, refused to play the role of sparring partner and scored two goals in the first half to quickly knock out one of the best teams in the world.

"I think this is the first step . . . to become a major soccer power," said midfielder Cobi Jones, who played brilliantly.

1998 Gold Cup: U.S. 1, Brazil 0

"It states we can play with anyone in the world, and on occasion, beat the best in the world," U.S. coach Steve Sampson said. "I think a lot of people are going to pay a lot more respect to the United States. ... We've made enormous strides. Is it like winning a Super Bowl? No, not yet. It's just not that way in this country. But we hope the sport will continue to grow."

2002 World Cup: U.S. 3, Portugal 2

There is little question there is a significant appetite for top-level soccer in the United States. The 1994 World Cup and 1999 Women's World Cups were successes, and World Cup qualifiers and marquee foreign opposition continue to draw fans in the tens of thousands. The problem that still plagues MLS, however, is convincing those fans that its product is worth sampling on a regular basis.

"What you saw today was the beginning of the emergence of our league. It establishes our credibility within the soccer audience that exists in this country," Gazidis said.

But if the U.S. shocks Brazil tomorrow? Forget I even mentioned this. We'll be too busy celebrating in the streets with vuvuzelas.

Remember the Miracle On Ice? [NYT]
Biggest U.S. win ever? [Fox Sports]
Not America's Game [NYT]

The U.S. soccer team was a rotting corpse and, if you listen to the person who hacked into Eric Wynalda's website, afraid to "get dirt in their pussies" but somehow the U.S. team achieved the three goal victory over Egypt that it needed and the Italians lost 3-0 to Brazil to ensure the U.S. marches on in the Confederations Cup tournament. The Italian coach sobbed during the post-defeat press conference.

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Good morning. It's Monday. Here's something femme and chilly.

&@#$ yeah! USA! USA! USA!

Soccer; a great way to heal differences and bring nations together. The U.S. 2-0 win over Mexico in a World Cup qualifier on Wednesday was just such a tonic, as Mexico assistant coach Paco Ramirez demonstrated on U.S. player Frankie Hejduk in the tunnel after the game.

The Hejduk Incident [Washington Post]

“It was pretty much a no-brainer,” said one who travels to every U.S. road qualifier. “The U.S. is playing Cuba and we follow the U.S. team. Then there’s the historical significance of the game. For people who are really fans you can’t miss it. The team’s playing here, embargo be damned. We’re not going to make a political statement. We’re just going to watch the game and take in a new culture.”

Americans traveling to a hostile country that has a storied hatred for our country? Sounds like a no-brainer to me.

The US team obviously felt the love, beating Cuba on a bumpy pitch in less than perfect weather conditions. Clint Dempsey scored the only goal of the game for the US in the 39th minute off a loose ball, helping the team take the lead in group 1 of the World Cup qualifiers. The night got even more interesting at around the 80th minute of the match when the stadium lights when out and the place went dark. After some of the lights were restored, Tim Howard made a late game finger-tip save to preserve the win.

So one of my non-soccer weenie friends called last night to give me what he thought was a surefire Deadspin scoop: The next coach of the U.S. national soccer team will be Bill Bradley.

Ignoring for a moment that it's Bob Bradley, not Bill Bradley, who got the job, this was hardly news — my friend Paul Gardner broke the story ten days ago — let alone the kind of news that was worth pausing the final episode of "Gilmore Girls." Yes, Bob Bradley finally gets to white out the "interim" on his business card and lead the U.S. to greater heights of mediocrity. That should certainly make the Italys of the world crap their pantaloni.

Whatever happened to the "statement" U.S. soccer wanted to make with their new coach? Bruce Arena's eight-year reign had taken the U.S. to the brink of respectability, only to see us tumble from the elite ranks — remember those heady pre-World Cup days when we were No. 5 in the world? — with our sorry-ass performance in Germany. Would it not then have made sense for U.S. Soccer to attempt to restore our international cred and find a successor to Arena whose passport was stamped by something other than MLS cities? Of course.

So for five months, U.S. Soccer gave thousands of American fans serious wood by playing footsie with soccer's savior du jour Jurgen Klinsmann, but in the end they couldn't bury the bratwurst. Then they cast come-hither glances in the direction of former Argentine national coach Jose Pekerman, Manchester United assistant coach Carlos Queiroz, Olympique Lyon coach Gerard Houllier, former Dutch coach Gus Huuddink ... I think my doorman Jose even got a call. Frankly, given the way my HarperCollins team has dominated the Media Soccer League in recent years, I was a little hurt that I didn't get more consideration.

This is not meant to denigrate Bob Bradley, a good guy and a proven winner wherever he's been (except the godawful Metrostars). Certainly, Bradley knows the U.S. talent pool a lot better than any of those big name foreigners, and, given his success with Chivas-USA, maybe he'll even make more than a token attempt to enlarge that pool of middle-class suburban college products and bring in the ever-burgeoning Latino talent that has been willfully ignored for so long. He'll have to do something bold if we want to once again hang with the world's best.

Let's just pray that thinking you can build a global contender around Landycakes is not his master plan.