What Serena apparently said to the line judge after odd foot-fault call was some variation of this fuckin'-filled tirade:

I swear to God, I'm fuckin' takin' this ball and shovin' it in(?) your fuckin' throat… I swear to God."

Now is that two snaps or three?

Serena's outburst and her sassified post-match press conference will receive the appropriate level of finger-wagging tomorrow. Hopefully, Whitlock will chime in.

John wasn't born yet, so maybe no one told him, but the Battle of the Sexes was decided over 35 years ago and dudes lost. Hard. They even let ladies be doctors now! But if you want to dig up this old chestnut again, why not? I, for one, would certainly like to see John Isner (current ranking: 55) take on Serena Williams. And then Venus Williams. And then Richard Williams. And then they can release a two-disc DVD of Steffi Graff browbeating Andre Agassi because he forgot to put the toilet seat down.

The '70s were so much fun, I wish we could relive them over and over and over again....

Tennis Player John Isner: I Think The 700 or 800th Ranked Male Would Beat the Number One Ranked Female [SRI]

A time when roughneck New Yorkers shift their sports attention away from Jets preseason, Joba Chamberlain pitch counts and the New York Mets Wing of Hospital for Special Surgery to a little tennis tournament in Queens, where they have no choice but to care about things like Rafael Nadal's knees, swarming Serbians and Juan Martin Del Potro. Andre Agassi is to be honored during a ceremony on opening night, but there's plenty of fodder beyond the return of the Day-Glo one. Here are nine story lines to keep a (hawk) eye on during the Open this year:

Federer.
Can anyone honestly stop Roger Federer? After a tearful loss to Nadal in the Australian Open final, the Swiss swordsman won the French Open (without having to beat Nadal), Wimbledon (without having to beat Nadal) and watched his (ahem) top seed produce a pair of twins with his wife Mirka (also without having to beat Nadal). He even won a tuneup in Cincinnati. Barring an upset-or a legitimately healthy Nadal-Federer will probably NetJet to his record 16th major title. And, of course, cry about it.

Nadal.
For a guy as fit as Rafael Nadal, his knees are a bit like Dick Cheney's. After a shocking loss in Paris and pulling out of Wimbledon, he has proclaimed them tendinitis-free for the hardcourts of Flushing. His draw, though, won't do them any favors, with Richard Gasquet — the tireless Frenchman who tested for positive for cocaine in Miami earlier this year but avoided a ban by claiming he must have ingested it by kissing a girl at a rave — awaiting the Majorcan matador in the first round. A quarterfinal match with Andy Murray, who unseated Nadal as the world's No. 2, would follow.

Roddick.
It's been more than five years since he won the U.S. Open. And after his marriage to Sports Illustrated swimsuit model (and Deadspin favorite) Brooklyn Decker earlier this year, the obvious question surrounding Andy Roddick was a simple one: Would he get complacent, now that he had this waiting for him in the players' box? Roddick answered that rather sufficiently during another epic, five-set-plus Wimbledon final. Until there's a little Roddecker in the oven, expect a Stifler-like focus, especially in New York, where his hard serve works best.

Sharapova.
After being saddled by arthroscopic shoulder surgery and rehab (oh, and a new line of signature Cole Haan handbags!) Maria Sharapova is back with a new, Roddick-like service motion. And it hasn't exactly worked. She reached the final in Toronto despite amassing more than 50 double faults (he former coach called the new serve "atrocious, plain atrocious"). On Sharapova's side of the women's draw, however, are six names ending in "ova" (Tsvetlana Pironkova, anyone?) not including hers.

The Williamses.
Television, inexplicably, loves it when Miami Dolphins-owning sisters Venus and Serena Williams play each other. The rest of us, however, have had enough — as it tends to produce some of the least compelling tennis this side of a Billie Jean King exhibition. And even when they do, they can be equally annoying in their corporate self-awareness (after beating Venus in the Wimbledon final, for instance, Serena called it her "G Moment.") Luckily they're on the same side of the draw, so if they do meet, it won't be in a final.

The McEnroes.
For the first time in ages, the Open won't be carried by the USA network — which hopefully means tennis fans won't be subject to a mid-night match channel switch as in previous years. It also means that John McEnroe, tennis' de facto commissioner (in many ways, the U.S. Open is the McEnroe Open), will be joining his brother Patrick in the ESPN broadcast booth. Which should be refreshing — both are relatively outspoken, P-Mac slightly less so — provided you can differentiate between their voices. One way to tell: John will be the one criticizing James Blake, a member of Patrick's U.S. Davis Cup team, during his perennial early exit.

Clijsters.
Kim Clijsters, who retijred in 2007, announced in April that she was comijng out of retijrement. The 25-year-old Belgijan will make her rejturn from hijatus in Queens. "I stijll have that craving," Clijsters said recently. "I look forwajrd to the chjallenge." Clijsters would face Venus in the fjourth round.

Hawk-Eye.
Forget the bean bags. Tennis has the best challenge system in major professional sports, hands down. Hawk-Eye, the camera-powered triangulation system that determines the position of the ball on the court, has revolutionized the sport (it beats the hell out of Cyclops-remember that bleeping thing?). Sure, some players, like Federer and Roddick, have complained it doesn't always work right. And sure, it makes the prospects of a McEnroe-like outburst less and less likely. But watching the replay along with the players on the Jumbotron during a crucial point in a match is sure as hell entertaining.

The Bondarenko Sisters.
Trust me on this one. For those of you Deadspin readers who watch tennis solely for the, uh, display of skills, look no further than Alona and Kateryna Bondarenko, a pair of dewy, deliciously toned sisters from the Ukraine. If you happen to get out to the Open, check them out up close on a side court, before their collective tan forces tournament organizers to put them on Arthur Ashe stadium in primetime.

Deadspin at the Open.
Speaking of which, Deadspin (er, me, resident Deucebag) will be out at the Open during the first week of the fortnight. If you're going, feel free to ping me at dylanstableford [AT] gmail [DOT] com or on Twitter (twitter.com/stableford) and we can grab what I'm sure will be a reasonably-priced beer. First one's on you!

Sauer covered the event for the Huffington Post (don't snicker) and had the fancy tent access that most people get when they cover an event on a PR agency's dime (NO PHOTOS FOR BLOGGERS). But he persevered through the half-access and managed to get this little slice of Lupicana that is pretty incredible:

I was well positioned on the short par-3 14th to watch Mickelson. This was right after the eagle and the roar of the crowd was as loud as any noise I ever heard at a sporting event. Thousands of fans came storming over, shouting in pure ecstasy, an American version of a coronation. Obviously, his wife's cancer made the "people's champ" even more popular and right after his tee shot landed near the pin, it felt like watching a cliched sports movie come to life. The only drawback? As Mickelson made his way down the hill, the charge was lead by wee sportswriter Mike Lupica. He may be the dean of New York scribes, but how about not making yourself part of the story, Mike? He was out front, waving to fans, shaking hands, and marching to the green in all his Napoleonic glory. For Calvin Peete's sake, Lupica, couldn't you have at least walked behind Phil?

Of course Lupica's final Bethpage column acknowledged Lucas Glover and focused on Phil, but if you replace "Phil Mickelson" with "Mike Lupica" you get a full sense of the drama Mike tried to pipsqueek his way into:

It was supposed to be Mickelson's day after he made that eagle. He was going to take his trophy with him to his wife's hospital room. An Open championship that would have been more like a Movie of the Week.

Better luck next time, Mike.

18 Rounds Of Soggy And Sunny Days At The U.S. Open [HuffPo]

Yes, it was noticeable, I guess, but NBC insisted on doing close-ups of her giant sunglasses throughout most of the last hole, scrutiny was expected. But some people are happy that Glover held on at the end: bookmakers. According to Darren Rovell's dial-a-bookmaker-insta-quote, most people betting the tournament didn't put any serious money on Glover, David Duval, or Ricky Barnes who all finished near the top. Glover's best finish up until the Open victory was a second place finish at Quail Hollow. Oh and how did Mickelson feel after he came tantalizingly close to winning this goddamn tournament again and the surrounding Hallmark storyline that accompanied it this year? Terrible, obviously.

"Certainly I'm disappointed," Mickelson said, "but now that it's over, I've got more important things going on. "And," he added, then paused, "oh, well."

Poor Phil.

Glover Win Big For Books [CNBC]

Phil eagles the 13th hole to move into a tie for first-place. Grab your hankies, folks. It could get very dusty in here.

To just sum up the current situation. Ricky Barnes, who nearly set a 54-hole record at the Open, is +6 for the day, and has fallen two shots behind the leaders. Lucas Glover is +3 and that has opened the door for sentimental favorite Phil Mickelson, who is putting the ball pretty much wherever he wants right now. Two-under for the day, -4 for the tourney, and currently tied with Glover for the lead. (Tiger? Screw that guy.) We'll keep you posted with updates for the rest of the afternoon.

[Live Scoreboard]

12:15: And the Deadspin jinx works quickly. Phil just bonked a five-footer for par on 15. Back to -3, one stroke behind the leader.

12:25: David Duval, who must be a rookie or something because I can't recall a time when he was ever playing golf on television, birdies 15 to move to -2, tied for third with three others. Glover and Barnes (the final group) are working their way up 15 now.

12:40: Glover bogeys 15, to drop back into a tie with Mickelson at -3. Meanwhile, Hunter Mahan (at -2) hit the pin from 170 yards on 16, the ball ricocheted 50 feet to the other side of the green and he ended up with a bogey. Tough break.

12:43: Duval birdies three in a row! There's now a three-way tie for first and a two-way tie for sappiest story.

12:49: So the leader comes back to Mickelson again, and what does he do? Immediately misses the green on the par-3 17th, misses a ten-footer for par, and drops back to second. No one wants to win this.

12:51: Glover birdies 16. He's back in the lead, alone, with two holes to play.

12:56: Duval's par putt on 17 hits the lip of the cup ... and out! Oh, what a dagger. Two-shot lead for Glover as he tees off on 17.

12:59: Mickelson's birdie try on 18 misses by an inch. He finishes at -2. Quite a charge, but two bogeys in the final four holes won't get it done.

1:09: Glover lays up on 18. Announcer: "This is just the opposite of Jean Van De Velde. This has got some intelligence in it." It's been ten years and the guy is still getting burned.

1:20: Well, it's over. And I was so looking forward to watching another 18 holes of this afternoon instead of doing my job. All the drama ends with a whimper. Phil Mickelson has his fifth second-place finish at the U.S. Open, David Duval has his best finish at any tournament since 2001, and Lucas Glover of all people shoots +3 in the final found and wins the U.S. Open by two shots. And to all a good night....

I kept the seeing fake names like "Ricky Barnes" and "Lucas Glover" on the top of the "Leaderboard" and assumed those were made-up place holders for real golfers like Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson. Whoops. Those first two guys are actually in the final group that is stuck somewhere in the swamps of Long Island and one of them might actually win this thing. But back to Tiger and Phil. (They're fan favorites, you know?)

The good news is that folks who had tickets for Thursday's rainout and couldn't get refunds, will be allowed back on the course to watch today's final-round action. You can afford to take another day off of work, right?

Follow along here, or on ESPN if you have it handy.

Live Leaderboard [US Open]

You see, when it's pouring rain, you're nearing your 10th hour on a golf course, Tiger's not in contention at the one tournament you paid to see and the grounds sell beer, you drink. And when you do that in New York, you heckle Tiger Woods and Fred Funk because, hey, why the hell not? But golf fans aren't known for their heckling. They're supposed to be silent and then explode with "Get in the hole!" and "You the man!" That got a bit tiresome after a while. So did the insults.

"We're on Long Island, baby, where men are men!" one fan yelled. "Put that umbrella down!"

The taunts were mixed with cheers from the majority of the crowd. Woods did not respond to the people who were heckling him but tried to quiet the crowd with a "sshh" hand gesture, putting his finger to his lips, as golfers prepared to tee off on the adjacent 12th tee.

"Suck it up, you've got your own video game!" someone shouted at Woods.

...

Minutes later, a group of fans greeted Fred Funk at the 10th hole by shouting his last name as an obscenity.

A little earlier, drunken fans at the seventh hole shouted at golfers, "This Bud's for you!" On the ninth fairway, drunks called out "you suck" to players while spectators on the other side booed the hecklers.

Really? That's all you got? We're on Long Island, where men are men?

This, Neil Best argues, makes golf like any other sporting event when fans get drunk and yell at players. Except when you're not clever, you're just that guy sitting in the corner, yelling at people. And nobody likes one of those.

Tiger Woods taunted at 10th hole [Newsday]
Bethpage Black drunks only doing what many fans do [Watchdog]

It's been raining in New York lately, and everyone is totally sick of it. Not this puddlejumping U.S. Open attendee, who pulled out his poncho and did his best impersonation of a squeegee. (It's always a good day when you can use the word squeegee.) The photo was taken Thursday, not that you would know.

But onward: It's Moving Day at The Open! At least, I think it is. What round are we on already?

*****

Good Sunday morning, and Happy Father's Day to all. Send your best (and worst) Father's Day memories to ben@deadspin.com, and maybe I'll compile them later. Also, we're going to cut it short today for you to make those rained-out Father's Day barbecues, so let's make it fun while it lasts. Rain, rain go away.

The rain continues to fall during the current break in action between the second and third rounds at Long Island's Bethpage Black golf course, where Barnes holds a one shot lead over Lucas Glover. Both players took full advantage of the sunshine and soft conditions before the rain returned with a vengeance. The torrid pace set in the early hours slowed considerably as the morning wore on and scores began to rise in turn.

Tiger Woods was in one of the last groups off of the course after finishing his second round with a one under 69 to put him 11 strokes back of the leader at +3. Tiger's play did show a marked improvement over his scattered first round, however he was frequently unable to cash in on and around the greens. Fortunately the world's best golfer will be sticking around for the weekend, which is more than can be said for all those failing to come in under the +5 cut line. That long list includes such notables as Luke Donald, Ernie Els, Justin Leonard, Zach Johnson, Paul Casey, and Padraig Harrington.

Those who did make the cut are now readying themselves for a return to the course this afternoon for the start of third round play. This means a quick turnaround for guys like Tiger and a long wait for the final pairing of Barnes and Glover. How many holes these groups actually complete into the evening is anyone's guess as they'll battle against the weather and the eventual darkness. With tomorrow's forecast looking particularly nasty they'll do whatever they can to get in as many holes as possible today.

US Open Live Leaderboard

One question though, before we get to that: Does the guy who yells "Get in the hole!" when someone is teeing off on a par five still think they're being clever? Do they also enjoy being the guy who yells "Freebird!" at every single rock show they've attended since 1986? I think that stopped being funny ... well, immediately.

Play will probably resume later today, (UPDATE: No more golf today. See you Friday at 7:30 a.m.) but when you have to squeegee the greens, that's not exactly championship caliber conditions. It's pretty miserable out on Long Island. Plus, it's raining! HA! See, what I did there? Seriously, though. Stay inside today.

Oh, right. The cussin'. Where's the adorable Jonathan Lipnicki when you need him?

Live Scoreboard [US Open]
[Video via ESPN]

The second-ranked Jankovic, who was No. 1 for a week last month, might have lost the match but she won over the Arthur Ashe Stadium crowd during the award presentation. She started off by thanking everyone and her drivers. While accepting the runner-up trophy, she said: “I lost my No. 1 ranking. It’s not fair.”

Then, as Williams was being presented with her $1.5 million check, Jankovic asked, “How much did I get?”

The answer, as she would soon find out, was $750,000. “So now I have a lot of money to spend,” she said, laughing, in her news conference. “Tomorrow is my day to go shopping.”

That shopping spree should be interesting. Right now all of the fetish shops in the New York City area are bracing for some big business.

Serena Williams Wins U.S. Open, Returns To No. 1 [NY Times]

Dylan Stableford writes occasionally about tennis for Deadspin. It's called "Droppin' Deuce With Dylan Stableford."

Last night's heavyweight card at the U.S. Open—the best of this year's tourney by far—didn't disappoint. In a battle of big ball smackers with, as we've pointed out numerous times,incredibly hot girlfriends, Serbian impressionist Novak Djokovic outlasted Andy Roddick in front of his relatively reserved home crowd—Brooklyn Decker, new coach Patrick McEnroe, old coach Jimmy Connors, Regis Philbin (who spent crucial points in the third set reading a fucking book)— 6-2, 6-3, 3-6, 7-6, with a combination of hard angles and defensive lobs-turned-winners driven by, apparently, rage over some offhanded comments Roddick had made about Djovokic faking injuries.

Via Djokovic's post-match, on-court interview with Michael Barkann:

"You know, Andy was saying I have 16 injuries in the last match …Obviously, I don't—right? … That's not nice, anyhow, to say in front of the crowd that I have 16 injuries and that I'm faking it."

Djokovic, who dazzled the Flushing faithful last year with his hysterical impressions of fellow players on the tour (he does a pretty good Roddick; YouTube that shit if you haven't seen it before was immediately pummeled with boos. (So much for the goodwill, Screech!)

He later tried to apologize: "I made maybe a mistake by saying that in front of 20,000 people in his city and his favorite tournament."

No matter. Heading his Saturday semifinal showdown with Roger Federer, the Swiss string-master might as well've been born and raised in Queens, 'cuz Djokovic will be about as loved as John Rocker on a 7 train.

In the other Saturday semi, weather permitting, Rafael Nadal will face Andy "Five-Set Prone" Murray, setting up Nike/Don King/CBS dream showdown: Rafa-Roger III. As the Mannings say, it'll be on like Donkey Kong.

On the women's side of the draw, Jelena Jankovic slapped Elena Dementieva (Rick Chandler's favorite) in straight sets, and will face the winner of tonight's match between Dinara Safina and Serena Williams. (The mere sight of her across the net has to be intimidating to other chicks on the WTA Tour. The only difference between Williams and Brandon Jacobs at this point is a helmet.)

Bonus for reading this far: In the girls' draw, 16-year-old Coco Vandeweghe—niece of Kiki—won her quarterfinal match to reach the semis. This is apropos of nothing. I just like saying "Coco Vandeweghe."