The first nine holes are on ESPN — we don't know if they're bringing Berman back; maybe they'll have that absolutely-hilarious-on-television Rick Reilly — with the last nine on NBC. We can't think of a better all-day contrast between Mediate and Woods; either win is a great story. All we ask is that Tiger grimace as little as possible because of that knee. You think your knee has problems, Tiger? Rocco Mediate has a goiter the size of Pakistan.

You can follow along right here, if you're feeling frisky.

Still, we found it fitting, on Father's Day, that the U.S. Open champion was almost a middle-aged guy with a gut. This is honestly the most we've ever watched of a golf tournament — heck, we even played golf this weekend, though perhaps "play" is the wrong word — and, all told, it's kind of nice that a guy with three sons, and a guy who just had one, ended up tied.

We think our favorite Woods moment today was when, after messing up his bunker shot on the 18th hole, almost costing himself a chance to tie Mediate, he threw his club. It's nice to see superhumans, on occasion, feel the same pain the rest of the planet feels. And still: We were certain that last putt was going to fall. It seems obvious in retrospect.

Anyway, yeah: We're all golfy today. And we get one more tomorrow. Happy Father's Day.

(By the way, sorry about all the commenting mixups; it's a Gawker tech problem that, whenever the tech people get in the office again, we'll hopefully be fixed. Yipes.)

The U.S. Open drew to its expected, entirely prosaic, drama-free close last night in Flushing. Roger Federer proved yet again he bleeds only carbon, putting a Swiss spanking on his 20-year-old Serbian impersonator, No. 3 Novak Djokovic, 7-6, 7-6, 6-4, saving five first set points and two in the second ("My next book is going to be called, '7 Set Points,'" Djokovic said after the match), to win his fourth consecutive U.S. Open while earning the equivalent of Serbia's gross national product, $2.4 million, in the process.

It wasn't all bad for Djokovic, though; he made plenty of YouTube fans for his locker-room imitations of Andy Roddick, Rafael Nadal and Maria Sharapova, who sat among the crazy Serbs - and Robert Fucking DeNiro? — in his box during the final.

Federer, on court after the match, displayed the cool, take-no-prisoners heartlessness of past tennis champions. "He deserved better than that," Federer said.

On Saturday, No. 1 Justine Henin dismantled Svetlana Kuznetsova 6-1, 6-3 for her second title, a night after knocking out Venus Williams, who, as is apparently the case for any Williams sister, honored Althea Gibson's legacy and claimed partial injury (dizziness) after the 7-6, 6-4 loss. "I'm not sure what's wrong with me," Williams said. Lucky for Henin.

In the U.S. Open men's doubles final, No. 9 seeds Lukas Dlouhy and Pavel Vizner defeated Simon Aspelin and ... oh, who really gives a shit? They won, alright?

And Esther Vergeer of the Netherlands, who hasn't lost a singles match in four years, rolled (sorry) to yet another U.S. Open title in the wheelchair division.

The Open's only true surprise: no rain for two weeks - a dry fortnight that'll last until the next Grand Slam, the Australia Open, in January.

But fear not, Deadspin tennis fans. The Davis Cup is only two weeks away.

Bonus, if gay, video: Djokovic's impersonations in the U.S. Open men's locker room. It's like a tennis snuff film!:

The Open is heading into its middle weekend with few, if any, surprises — save for Roger Federer's sartorial choices (all-black, Roger? That's so un-Swiss of you!).

The best match of the tournament thus far happened last night: a three-and-a-half hour five-set-a-thon between James Blake and tireless, pesky Frenchman Fabrice "The Magician" Santoro, ostensibly the David Eckstein of tennis - that is, if Eckstein looked like Emilio Estevez, had a two-handed forehand and flick-returned everything.

Blake eventually dispatched Santoro 6-4, 3-6, 6-2, 4-6, 6-4 — Blake's first five-set win in 10 tries — but not before the 34-year-old Santoro — hobbled and cramping during much of the fifth set — won over the 17,000 at Arthur Ashe Stadium, despite the Connecticut native's inherited home-court advantage and raucous "J-Block" rooting section. (If you need proof New Yorkers like underdogs, look no further than last night: the J-Block couldn't even get a drunk Flushing crowd to chant along to "U.S.A.")

Blake followed another Sharapova snoozer (6-1, 6-0) that took 52 minutes. That's two matches in under two hours, in which she's lost a total of two games — proving once again there's absolutely no need to watch women's tennis until the quarterfinals. At the earliest.

The matches to watch this weekend: Rafael Nadal-Janko Tipsarevic. Sorry ladies. Nursing a pair of knee injuries, Nadal will be lucky to get through any match, let alone set up the Roger-Rafat championship some Agassi-Sampras-pining tennis nerds want. Does this sound like a second-seed to you? "Practicing and last minute of practice, I felt something, don't know in English. I have pain. Maybe if another tournament, don't go to court today. But it's the U.S. Open. You saw the match. I didn't run too much. I tried to run as less as possible and try to win.''

Federer-John Isner. Isner is a 6-foot-9, 22-year-old South Carolinian who, since his graduation from the University of Georgia six weeks ago, has climbed to 192 from 839 in the rankings thanks to a deadly 140 m.p.h. serve. Federer in straight sets.

Anyway, the rest of us can look on with the same bemused attachment we reserve for the rest of tennis. So, after the jump, with a U.S. Open preview is Dylan Stableford, formerly MediaBistro.com. He insisted on the Sharapova photo.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—

The 2007 U.S. Open will be the first since 1985 without Andre Agassi. And don't think the USTA and USA Network doesn't know this: last year, Swiss milquetoast champion Roger Federer ripped through the draw to capture his third consecutive U.S. Open title. Yet it was a hobbling, sobbing, 36-year-old bald man from Las Vegas who, despite losing in the third round, captivated Flushing Meadows more than Anna Wintour's occasional boy-toy ever will. (USA will be praying for downpours just so it can show rain-delay staples like Agassi-Sampras '01, Agassi-Blake '05 or Agassi-Baghdadis '07).

Without Agassi's tongue-bitten tears, there are, admittedly, few story lines to follow, and even fewer questions to ponder: Does America care about the Federer-Rafael Nadal (Roger-Rafa) rivalry? Will Maria Sharapova use fingers or a banana to communicate with her coaches' box? Will the Williams sisters show up? Will drunk tennis fans be savvy enough to heckle the Pete Rose of tennis, Nikolay Davydenko, properly? Will Rodionova try that shit in Queens? Will the U.S. Open be anywhere near as compelling as Brooklyn's Wiimbledon? And, of course, the biggest question in tennis in 2007: Will it be a kitten or a cougar?

A rough, rough guide to the next two weeks:

U.S. Men

To illustrate just how bleak the U.S. men's tennis scene has become, look no further than the ATP rankings. Roddick and James Blake are ranked in the top 10 again, but you'll have to travel all the way down to no. 47 to Sam Querrey to see another American.And even Roddick and Blake lack a certain WWF — sorry, WWE — quality of the Agassi-Sampras era. "With Sampras or Connors, there wasn't a court, there was a cage," Luke Jensen, the older Hanson brother of men's tennis analysts, said recently. "The players today are nice guys, but do you really want to get in the cage with them?"

Blake's a great story, though. His recently-released autobiography, Breaking Back, chronicles his comeback from a broken neck, his father's death and the subsequent shingles that paralyzed his face, culminating in the epic 2005 quarterfinal against Agassi. And, with a faithful cheering section annoying opponents at every tour stop - the "J-Block" — he's playing about as well as he was coming into the 2005 Open. Biggest problem for Blake, 28, is the same for the rest of the men's tour: Roger Federer exists.

Djokovic

Forget Blake and Roddick. Novak Djokovic, from the sleepy Serbian ski resort town of Kopaonik, is the one guy who could make things interesting for Federer. At the Rogers Cup in Montreal last month, he beat Roddick in the quarters, Nadal in the semis and Federer in the final, a feat all-but-assuring a letdown here.

The Williams Sisters

The Open has scheduled both Williams sister to play the first night matches at the Open, a nod to Althea Gibson, the first African American woman to play the Open. Expect USA to milk the hell out of this one. (Quick question for USA network producers, and anyone else planning to fawn over this made-for-cable event: Would Althea Gibson have spent 26 hours prepping her hair for the ESPYs?)

Sharapova

All you need to know about glistening defending champion Maria Sharapova can be summed up with the explanation at Saturday's press conference as to why she'll be wearing a red Nike dress — adorned with graphics of New York skyscapes and studded with more than 600 Swarovski crystals — at this year's Open: "I've never worn a red dress before. It's a really big statement because it's the Big Apple and apples are red," said Sharapova, at once evoking both her pin-up predecessor, Anna Kournikova, and a four-year-old. And despite a favorable draw (no Williams sisters, no Justine "Dropped the Hardenne" Henin), a repeat won't be as breezy as those Canon commercials: Sharapova was pummeled by Serena in Australia, spanked on clay in Paris, and rocked by Venus on grass.

Outside of the Williames and Sharapova, the names begin to sound like obscure rashes: Zakopalova, Perebynis, Cibulkova, Kostanic Tosic, Parmentier, Malek, Brianti, Jeong Cho. "Who are these people?" Steve Tignor asked on his Concrete Elbow blog on tennis.com - and that's a paid tennis blogger asking.

Federer-Nadal

It's as close to a McEnroe-Borg rivalry as tennis is going to get - having won 13 of 15 Grand Slams since 2004. Federer has spent 187 consecutive weeks at no. 1, the Beatles to Nadal's Stones (109 consecutive weeks at no. 2). But, like the American men, they're just ... too nice. (After Montreal, Federer flew Nadal in his private jet to Cincinnati when the Spaniard was having trouble getting a flight. How cute.)

Another problem: Federer is just too good, too Swiss, for the drunken Flushing faithful to care. It's getting to the point now in Vegas where you - or, say, Davydenko — take Federer, like his buddy Tiger Woods, over the field. (Even throbbing heterosexuals like Richard Gasquet have no chance.) And that's just not that interesting.

"I really do believe it's difficult for American fans to warm up to it since we have so many other things going on with baseball, basketball, football," Blake told the Associated Press. "But I hope they can because they're both great guys."

Of course they are, James. So are you.

That said, if it had to be "somebody else" who was gonna win yesterday, we're glad it was Angel Cabrera. The guy's a 37-year-old paunchy Argentinian, who, in direct contrast to the suddenly ripped Tiger, spent the entire final round smoking cigarettes.

"Some players have psychologists, sportologists. I smoke," Cabrera said. ""I usually smoke 8 to 10 in a round. This round was not special in terms of number."

It has been a while since we've had a successful "athlete" who smoked. Vlade Divac is the last we can remember, unless, of course, you're counting Jim Leyland.

Duck And Cover [Yahoo! Sports]

If you got points for impressive pars, it would've been Tiger Woods' day ... but the man couldn't squeeze a birdie out of his Sunday round to save his life. Angel Cabrera, who shot a very impressive 69, is your winner. Oh well. I'm sure he has a dad, too.

But it's another major championship without a signature highlight. When people think about the 2007 US Open, they'll think about Tiger missing the last putt, about Baddeley falling apart all day long, about how Cabrera won the trophy while sitting in the clubhouse, despite playing the last 3 holes at +2. I don't know where golf got the idea that people want to see bogeys more than they want to see birdies.

Elsewhere tonight, there's the Mets vs. Yankees game on ESPN, and you won't want to miss Chris Berman's Open recap on ESPN News. Enjoy your Sunday evening, gang.

2007 US Open Championship [US Open]

Atop the leaderboard? Angel Cabrera, who, combined with Manu Ginobili's NBA championship a few days ago, could make this a banner week for Argentinians in American sports. I didn't appreciate it on the 6th hole, though, when playing partner Stuart Appleby bumped into Cabrera, and he flopped to the ground. It's just unsportsmanlike.

We can't ignore the adventures of Steven Ames, either ... who went from having a one-stroke outright lead on one hole, to trailing by three the next. And then he followed that with a double bogey.

As for Tiger, he's plugging along ... one back, grinding out his Tiger pars and nipping like he's in a wet t-shirt contest in Buffalo in February. Caddie Steve Williams does a lot of things very well, but nipple-warming is not one of them.

After the 8 holes for the leaders, the leaderboard says it's very much up for grabs, but Tiger Woods and Angel Cabrera (possibly Jim Furyk, too) appear to be the only two golfers on the course who aren't totally mindfucked.

Tiger and Aaron Baddeley tee off at around 3:00. They've supposedly set the course up to play pretty easily today ... moving some of the tees up, leaving the pins in accessible conditions, watering a few greens, and removing the windmills from around the cups.

Two-over-par is leading the tournament right now, so the final number probably won't be as terribly brutal as once projected. In fact, some guy named Anthony Kim is already in today with a 67, and a couple of other guys are also under par for the day. Of course, someone else named Harrison Frazar is also +7 through 8 holes. Maybe that guy just sucks.

So I wouldn't expect a Johnny Miller 63 or anything ... but the winner's probably going to have to go under par. I expect it will be a Cablinasian man wearing red.

Running Updates - Sunday, June 17 [US Open]

"This really was dangerous doing what I did because the rough was twice as long, and I thought they may play it like that," said an exasperated Mickelson, who played with an injured wrist this week and missed the cut at 11 over. "With the liquid fertilizer and this new machine that makes the grass suck straight up, it is absolutely dangerous.

"The first practice round on Monday, (massage therapist) Jim Weathers had six other appointments — people hurting their ribs, their backs, their wrists. It's dangerous, it really is."

You hear that? Oakmont is so difficult that SIX PEOPLE REQUIRED MASSAGES. If the USGA keeps this up, eventually, someone's going to need an ibuprofen. Will that make them happy?

He's right, of course. Every time I finish a round of golf, I just thank Jesus that I was able to escape without suffering any debilitating injuries. Not only is the rough long, but the sun is hot, sometimes the wind is blowing, and you never know when some wisenheimer might poke you in the butt with the flagstick. It's hell out there.

But I think that's why most people play. To put themselves so close to the edge of danger

Mickelson: Oakmont 'absolutely dangerous' [Daily Herald]

As mentioned in the comments below, if you're stuck at work today and love the U.S. Open, you can pretty much watch the whole thing live in HD on your computer at USOpen.com. We have a Mac, which isn't always the best at playing video, but the reception on this is clear and free of burps.

So, you can spend your workday watching golf. That's an easy way to get through the day, though be careful not to fall asleep.

US Open Webcast [U.S. Open]

Roger Federer won his third consecutive U.S. Open men's final yesterday, defeating Andy Roddick — who ran out of both mojo and Dick Enberg comparisons to his coach, Jimmy Connors — in four sets, 6-2, 4-6, 7-5, 6-1, a match that was not even that close. For Federer, it was his ninth Grand Slam title, putting him a touch below guys named Sampras (14), Emerson (12), Borg (11), Laver (11) and Tilden (10) and in the exhaustive Tiger Woods conversation of greatest all-time in their respective sports.

(Editor's Note: While watching the NFL yesterday, we occasionally noticed Woods on the TV, cheering Federer on while wearing a backwards hat. God, he's such a dork.)

I spent most of the afternoon struggling to find a reason to hate Federer. And while his Feder-bear charity is perhaps reason enough, the search proved futile. The guy's a fucking machine. A very friendly, handsome, respectful machine that apparently manufactures titles as frequently as it does teddy bears for UNICEF. God, I fucking hate him.

Roddick's now 1-11 all-time vs. Federer — the kind of domination one normally pays $300 an hour for. You know, let's not go there, either.

Stableford: Sharapova Fingered In Bananagate [Deadspin]
Stableford: Long Night In Flushing [Deadspin]
Stableford: A Night Of Agassi [Deadspin]

Last night Maria Sharapova won the women's U.S. Open tennis final 6-4, 6-4 over Justine Henin-Hardenne, a short, scrappy, Pong-like player from Belgium. It was Sharapova's second Grand Slam title and first since winning Wimbledon in 2004 as a 17-year-old. Her forehand was dominant. Her serve was dominant. Even her netplay was well done. Her skin was glistening. Her dress was Breakfast At Tiffany's-inspired. And her father Yuri was, as usual, scary.

But leave it to the media to fixate on a piece of fruit and four fingers in the post-match press conference:

"I just won a Grand Slam. The last thing I'm gonna talk about is some fingers or a banana, all right?"

Those fingers belonged to her hitting partner, Michael Joyce, who was sitting in her box gesturing, signaling - gasp - coaching Sharapova during a changeover. In the quarters, her father used a banana to signal her to eat one, sparking debate over whether the gesture was a violation of the USTA's no-courtside coaching policy. A USTA spokesperson said it did not appear to be a violation.

After all the fingers and bananas, Sharapova hoisted the U.S. Open trophy, only to have the top pop off onto her head.

Not even going there.

Stableford: Week 2 Matches Not Featuring Grown Men Sobbing [Deadspin]
Stableford: Long Night In Flushing [Deadspin]
Stableford: A Night Of Agassi [Deadspin]

While Week 1 — and, likely, the tournament as a whole — will be remembered for Andre Agassi's career-ending run and subsequent bawling, there were actually some other tennis matches played at the U.S. Open this week.

Here's a brief roundup:

• Amelie Mauresmo def. Serena Williams 6-4, 0-6, 6-2; Dinara Safina 6-2, 6-3 The battle between two female tennis players who could double as bouncers was won by Mauresmo, with Williams — who at this point is curvier than Beyonce — showing glimpses of her prowess two years ago during a dominant second set. It had the feel of a final. Both could, as Howard Stern says, break your penis. Mauresmo then crushed Safina in 62 minutes to reach the semis.

• Mikhail Youzhny def. Rafael Nadal 6-3, 5-7, 7-6 (5), 6-1. The biggest upset of the Open so far, with the unseeded Youzhny outslugging No. 2 seed Nadal and ruining another Nadal-RogerFederer Grand Slam final. The religious experience that is Federer won in straight sets, of course.

• Tommy Haas def. Robby Ginepri 7-6(1), 6-4, 3-6, 3-6, 7-6(1); Marat Safin 4-6, 6-3, 2-6, 6-2, 7-6 (5) Tommy Haas has played a lot of fucking tennis this week. Ten sets, including two fifth set tiebreaks. First up was Ginepri, in a duel of two dudes who would totally steal your thunder if you decided to take the girl to the university courts on the second date ("Dude, so, what happened?" "Fucking Tommy and Robby were there hitting again.") Haas utilized two dominating tie-breaks in the first and fifth to take the 23-year-old crowd favorite. Haas was 0-7 in five-set matches coming in; Ginepri played four five-setters at least year's Open on his way to the semis. Probably the best match that nobody watched. Haas then took on Safin, perennial Russian underachiever and general pain in the ass both on and off the court, in another five-setter. Down 4-1 in the fifth set tiebreak, Haas stormed back.

• James Blake def. Carlos Moya 6-4 7-6(8) 2-6 6-3; Tomas Berdych 6-4, 6-3, 6-1. Two days after Blake's neon-spandexed tribute to Agassi, Blake dispatched the tanned and tatted Moya in four sets. Probably could've gone five. Blake then followed up Moya by rolling Berdych. This is the best Blake's backhand has looked since high school. His beard too.

• Rodapova def. Lleyton Hewitt 6-3, 7-5, 6-4; Tatiana Golovin 7-6(4), 7-6 (0). Andy Roddick, who made quick work of Agassi's slayer Becker, knocked off Hewitt's and racially-charged groundstrokes in straight sets. Maria Sharapova, aided by a second set tiebreak banana given to her by her father (really) knocked off the pesky fellow countrywoman Golovin to take her Nike cocktail dress into the semis. The two are now on a collision course for a gag-inducing Pat O'Brien segment. Look for it this weekend on CBS.

Stableford: Long Night In Flushing [Deadspin]
Stableford: A Night Of Agassi [Deadspin]

How it did end, though—on a Sunday afternoon, in front of a crowd that wasn't quite the same as the one that willed him to victory in the Baghdatis match—was also fitting. There was nothing contrived, nothing pre-planned, nothing less than a pure outpouring of emotion that moved a man to tears. The ending, in a way, reflects where Andre's career path has taken him. It didn't end with any flash or with any braggadocio; just a plain honesty that you couldn't help but be drawn to. He hid nothing from the crowd, and they held back nothing from him.

And if it hadn't ended today, it almost certainly would've ended tomorrow. He'd have been playing a better opponent, with less rest, when his body didn't look like it was even able to handle the match today. Becker, while young and powerful, was also at time an unforced-error machine; the kind of guy that Agassi should be able to handle.

But he couldn't, which means it's probably a pretty good time to get out.

UPDATE: The Fynal Cut has the text of the little speech Andre gave the crowd on his way out of the stadium.

Day 7: Sunday, 3 September [USOpen.org]

Wait ... what? Chris Berman does golf?

When Chris Berman wants to, Chris Berman most definitely does golf. The occasional "Big Event Cameo" Berman pops in for — US Open, All-Star Game, World Series — always displaces the regular anchor — Scott Van Pelt in this case, but feel free to substitute Karl Ravech or Chris Fowler, when appropriate — and has to just infuriate his fellow anchors. Think about it. Scott Van Pelt anchors golf coverage throughout the year, and once ESPN has coverage of the second biggest tournament ... Berman calls, says, "You're with me, Winged Foot" and Van Pelt's on Eric Dickerson duty. This has to drive Van Pelt crazy.

It's particularly fun to listen Berman try to play catch up with the actual shot-by-shot broadcasters. Someone will make a good shot, the announcer will quietly comment on it, and then Berman will come screaming in with, "Mickelson's going for the MICKELSLAM! He sure didn't DUFF that one!" Ugh. Does the US Open have Spanish language announcers? Maybe?

US Open Scores [USOpen.com]