During the first period of the first game of their opening series, powerful TV microphones caught Canucks Ryan Kesler and Alex Burrows sending their polite regards to Blues winger David Backes ... and his lovely wife, Kelly. ("Tell Kelly I said hi!" yells Kesler. "Hey," adds Burrows, "Kelly is a great girl.") Classy as always, hockey dudes. But the funny part is that Backes says he doesn't even know Kesler or Burrows, has never had a run-in with them in a game before, and doesn't even know how they would know his wife's name. The answer must be Canada's superior smack-talking investigators.

"They just have better researchers than I do," he shrugged. "There was a guy who got suspended for a couple of games [for talking about someone else's significant other], wasn't there?"

We all know what he's talking about there, but that was different. Cuthbert is an (inter)national treasure.

"Hey, my wife is a strong woman. She can take it," Backes said. "She's pretty attractive — I'm pretty proud of what I landed there. I'm over-achieving."

In other words, while you guys are getting your teeth knocked out in the second-round, I'll be busy sexing up my hot, hot wife.

The bark in the Canucks bite [Sportsnet, via Online Sports Guys]

After Nashville refused to piss away its season with a loss to the pathetic St. Louis Blues last night, two teams has their playoff torches snuffed by Jeff Probst and his khaki shorts. One team was the Blackhawks, a valorous collection of hard-working players who overcame inexperience and expectations to capture the imagination of a long-dormant hockey town. The other team would be the Canucks, who completed an emphatic end-of-the-season choke that has yet again left Vancouver fans bitter and mopey. So ... anyone know the Heimlich?

Edmonton knocked off the Canucks, 2-1, last night in a game that Vancouver knew it needed to win in order to remain alive for the playoffs. Or, in other words: "It's not quite football season yet, but there's no better way to say it other than the Vancouver Canucks got punted THursday night from the National Hockey League playoffs." As shitty game-story ledes go, that's some gold-standard stuff from BC Local News. Especially combined with use of the word "SpOilers" in the headline.

In a way, last night's loss completes the linear storyline for both of these teams this season. Vancouver's run last year made it appear that Coach Alain Vigneault had turned garbage into gold, when he may have actually put a tourniquet on a turd. The Canucks dropped six of their last seven games, stumbling to a finish of inevitable disappointment. As Alanah from Kukla's wrote: "I'm not at all glad it's over, but I amrelieved it's over." The Oilers? They've just been fucking annoying since the summer, when Kevin Lowe decided to play Supermarket Sweep with other teams' free agents. So their gnat-like presence in the Canucks' ultimate demise is a richly deserved role.

After a 3-1 loss to Minnesota last night, Calgary backed its ass into the playoffs by virtue of Vancouver's choke job. Nashville's second comeback win over the Blues this week put them in the playoffs and tragically eliminated the Blackhawks from postseason contention, leaving them free to Commit To The 9-Iron. (The Predators, incidentally, had quite the sick crowd last night. Good for them.) So for the Red Wings — who clinched the kiss of death...er, "President's Trophy" last night with a 3-2 win over Columbus — it'll either be Calgary or Nashville in the first round. Which probably means there'll be a second round for Detroit, too.

When Is An Elbow Not An Elbow? The Senators curb-stomped the Leafs last night, 8-2, in a game they had to have because they've managed to piss away one of the best starts in NHL history over the course of several months. But the big news was this hit by Mark Bell of Toronto on Ottawa's Daniel Alfredsson:

Alfredsson would eventually leave the game and join Mike Fisher, who earlier injured his knee, in the locker room. The Ottawa Citizen called Bell's hit "a vicious elbow to the head" and that it "went unpenalized, the officials obviously having missed it." Which is strange, because Bell claimed after the game that "the linesman yelled clean hit, the referee yelled clean hit. It looked worse because he'd just shot (and his head was turned)."

The question now becomes whether Ottawa can still make the playoffs, let alone challenge for the Cup again, without Alfredsson and Fisher for an undetermined amount of time. Another question: Would Bell be throwing around his elbow/shoulder/forearms if he wasn't wearing a full face cage to protect him from violent retribution...I mean, his "healing broken orbital bone?"

If The Playoffs Started Today. I know I'm in the minority on the "Ovechkin needs to make the playoffs to win the Hart Trophy" thing, and he's really not helping my argument with games like last night's against Tampa: Two more goals in a 4-1 win, and the Capitals hurdle the Flyers into eighth place and (temporarily) that dream matchup against the Penguins. There are several dozen scenarios in which the Capitals could finish either third overall as a division champion or eliminate either the Senators, Bruins or Flyers for the seventh or eighth seeds. I can't conceive of Washington not winning its finale against Florida this weekend; this team has momentum and mojo, from Ovechkin's heroics to Huet's stone-walling to happy accidents like Matt Cooke injuring Vinny Lecavalier's right shoulder before the Lightning needed him on a 4-minute power play they squandered, basically sealing their fate.

Meanwhile, the Rangers clinched a playoff berth with a 3-0 shutout of the Islanders; Jagr had two goals in what I can only assume is an audition for some Russian League team. And the long, sad story of the Buffalo Sabres' season reached its final page last night in a 3-1 loss to Montreal, leaving Sabres fans reaching for any positives from this dreadful season that they can ... like, for example, "Jaroslav Spacek has returned from injury and no children were eaten in the interim."

Puck Headlines

* It's pretty much the most exciting time of the year as far as action on the ice. So what better time to get on your soapbox and passionately extol the virtues of wooden hockey sticks? WTF? [Fox Sports]

* The Mike Lange Tournament of Quotes continues. "Get in the fast lane Grandma, the bingo game's ready to roll!" [Going Five Hole]

* Things You Shouldn't Do With Youth Hockey Players, Part One: Serve them booze at a team party. [Winnipeg Free Press]

* At the rate the salary cap is rising, anyone who thinks the players "lost" under the new CBA is pretty much dumber than a box of retarded bricks. [Spector]

* Things You Shouldn't Do With Youth Hockey Players, Part Two: Inappropriately touch them on team bus trips. [Northumberland Today]

* NBC appears ready to re-up with the NHL on its TV deal, although it's weary about airing Stanley Cup Finals games in weekday prime day. And who wouldn't be, what with that scary-good prime time lineup NBC has. Can't preempt "Lipstick Jungle" for a week, can you? [Globe & Mail]

* Finally, I asked for someone to put a hamburger on Rachel McAdams's beautiful head. Ask and you shall receive, from diligent Deadspinner Summer of George, who created some sort of McAdams/McCheese/McDonalds burger dress hybrid. Yowser...happy weekend everybody.

Well, kind of: For $1,500 bucks — as of now — you can pose in the Canucks team photo.

If you're a Canucks fan, you have the opportunity to bid for a spot in the teams annual photo at the end of the season. Along with being in the team photo, you'll receive an 8x10 copy as well as a replica jersey to wear in the picture. No word on if they'll let you keep that lovely sweater.

The winning bid will be donated to Canuck Place Children's Hospice and BC Children's Hospital Child & Adolescent Mental Health Building. Wait: Don't they have socialized medicine there? Why don't they use that money for something useful, like upgrading police equipment, so they don't have to, you know, ride horses?

Win A Chance To Be In Canucks Team Photo [Going Five Hole]

Maybe we will get some Shrimp Poppers, or Extreme Fajitas. For those who didn't know, this is our last day as NHL Closers here at Initech Deadspin. Mic duties will be passed as the Bobs continue to downsize to another set of bloggers; we'd like to thank Lumbergh Leitch for the opportunity. In our continuing effort to burn bridges keep it real, we're doing a special Closer - shots of Maker's Mark for every tpyo (bam! One right there) and writing drunk. Very drunk. I am drunk at the moment, in fact. Now let's hit up Chotchke's for some Mojitos.

Bingo Bango Bongo, His Name Is Roberto Luongo.The Closer cannot take credit for that snappy headline - it comes courtesy of lovable (and possibly senile) Canucks color man Tom Larschied. But it fits given the circumstances - Robby Loo registered his third consecutive shutout last night as Vancouver beat Columbus 2-0. Luongo hasn't allowed a goal in 193 minutes and 59 seconds, a Canucks franchise record. He also should've won the Vezina last year, but we're not gonna bring up old shit, yo.

Ryan Hollweg will rip your face off. Sadly, this is subhead more literal that figurative. Hollweg was accused of trying to tear 15 stitches out of Radek Martinek's face during a 4-2 Rangers win over the Isles. Martinek received the sew job Wednesday night after being cut by a skate blade during the Islanders' win over Ottawa. Isles coach Ted Nolan offered this gem of a response to the allegations: "When a guy like Hollweg tries to scratch an open cut on someone's face, that's not professional." Captain Obvious then pointed out that water is wet, you shouldn't drink poison because you might die, and that he was going home to play a computer game. On his computer.

Goals, goals and more goals. Eleven of 'em were scored as Nashville beat Ottawa 6-5 at the Corel Center. JP Dumont registered four points for the Predators, who sent the Sens to their fifth consecutive loss. NHL Closer favorite Martin Erat scored the game-winner with 22 seconds left, and celebrated by rummaging through discarded pizza boxes for cheese.

Things in Calgary are, how you say, not so good? We'd be remiss to not close out with the following - Iron Mike Keenan's team is three games under .500 and just two points out of the Western Conference basement. A 4-1 loss to Anaheim sent the Flames backwards, not forwards, downwards, not upwards and twirling, always twirling.

But he still has a long way to go; Detroit's Nicklas Lidstrom is in second place with 317,373, so there's a lot of ground to make up. You have until January 2 to vote, and we continue to endorse the cause; go to the NHL.com voting booth and write in Rory's name. Every little vote counts, and if he can somehow sneak in, our little corner of the sports world will feel, if not vindicated, at least a couple of inches farther away from the basement. It's fun and educational!

Write In Rory Here! [NHL.com]
All-Star Vote Tallies [NHL.com]
You Too Can Vote For Rory [Deadspin]

So when we find a hockey cause that makes us want to jump and dance around a bit, we embrace it with open pads and kiss it with our six teeth. Therefore, we proudly introduce you to Rory Fitzpatrick, the current cause celebre of the online hockey set. Fitzpatrick, a little-used player for Vancouver, is, according to HFBoards (one of the top hockey message boards around and the ones who started this whole mess), "Fitzpatrick is pretty much the antithesis of a typical all-star. A Rochester, NY native, Fitzpatrick has spent the last decade bouncing back and forth from the minors to the NHL. Up to this season, he had played 210 games in the NHL in the last decade (approximately 24 each season). He's really just a hard working guy that gets by more on desire than pure skill. The kind of guy that doesn't get noticed when he's doing his job right. The kind of guy a team needs to win, rather than relying on superstars who are more concerned with the paycheck. Rory is a fan's man."

So what's this whole fuss about? Well, the fans — who, after all, are who the All-Star Game is for — are trying to get Rory voted into the All-Star Game at VoteForRory.com. It's a grassroots movement that has had so much success so far that there's a rumor the NHL is going to invalidate all his votes, which, of course, is exactly the opposite of what the All-Star Game is supposed to be about.

We love this cause — the NHL is probably the only league for which this could work — and we encourage everyone to visit VoteForRory and then get out there and write in Rory's name. It'll make the world a better place.

VoteForRory
NHL All-Star Voting [NHL.com]

• Seems like life should be good for Oilers defenseman Chris Pronger, right? He's a star. He plays for a team that just made a run to the Stanley Cup Finals. The city of Edmonton loves him. Just one little problem, though: It's still freakin' Edmonton. And I'm sure it's a fine place to live, but for whatever the reasons, his wife wants to get the hell out of there. Rumors indicate that her unhappiness in Edmonton is the impetus behind Pronger's trade request. I'm sure there will be no shortage of suitors.

• This is what we call a blockbuster: The Vancouver Canucks and Florida Panthers pulled off a trade that sends sucker-punching forward Todd Bertuzzi to Florida, and goalie Roberto Luongo to Vancouver. Vancouver needed a goalie and a change of address might do Bertuzzi some good, so hey, everyone wins. A couple of other players were included in the deal, but I don't think anyone noticed.

Record 10 Americans selected in first round [NHL.com]
Oilers GM Lowe says Pronger has requested trade [ESPN.com]
Bertuzzi, Luongo swap teams in major NHL trade [canada.com]