Seriously, this bear is fucking pissed. Wouldn't you be if you were the mascot for an obscure college hockey team in Fairbanks and then got banished to the stars? I would certainly want to smash some shit up, starting with that small moon over there. Do not fuck with the Nanook Space Bear.

Anyway, now that you're appropriately fired up—I SAID "FIRE UP," ASSHOLES—let's watch some hockey!

Oh. Well, now that we've got the Versus bashing out of the way, let's really watch some hockey! Tonight we have four games kicking off the regular season, also known as the six-month waiting period before the Penguins vs. Red Wings Stanley Cup Final. I guess there's a chance that won't happen again—Caps? Blackhawks? Anyone?—but let's just operate under that assumption for now. We're a long away from that eventuality and offseason transactions in any sport put me to sleep, so just be glad that real games are back. And smutty commercials like this:

By the way, after the half-naked girls skated circles around Laraque, he punched one of them in the face. I'm sure she deserved it.

We'll leave the in-depth previews to the real experts, but remember—if you're at a game this week and a giant bear rips the roof off the arena, don't panic. Just let him play left wing and get out of his way.

Schedule for October 1, 2009 [NHL.com]
The 11 burning questions puckheads are asking this season [Puck Daddy]
The Cup is up for grabs again and, this time, anything's possible [ESPN]
Season Previews [Melt Your Face Off]
Listen: KB's NHL Season Preview Extravaganza! [Orland Kurtenblog]
Conference Haiku Previews [The Two-Line Pass]
They Shoot Better Commercials In Quebec, Don't They? [The Score]

The network has launched a new mini-site where registered users can upload their own photos of ... no one really seems sure, actually, but the kids are really into the Facebook and the YouTube and this is just like that. They have five entries already! The photos just to have to fit the unexplained and completely nebulous theme of "Show Me Your V."

Your V can be anything! Or anywhere! There is no wrong answer here, people! This is a can't miss viral marketing scheme with absolutely no downside or unforeseen consequences. Now who wants to watch some bass fishing?

Show Me Your V [Versus, via Puck Daddy]

If it were suicide, who can blame him? How could one not be overcome with remorse after allowing Bill O'Reilly to appear on one's new Versus sports show? How kind of Miller's Fox News overlords to wait until Week 3 of Unfiltered with Dennis Miller to force him to trot out Billo, who lumbered out from underneath the bridge he was guarding to appear in a taped segment during the ever-popular "Ask Dennis" portion of the show. O'Reilly's question had something to do with Ricky Williams and hemp and was embarrassing even to Miller himself. Listen O'Reilly, if I want to gaze at your enormous, freakish head I'll log on to Google Earth like everyone else.

The vital statistics:

• Mistake of the Week. Referred to the Kansas City Chiefs head coach as "Norm Edwards."

• Number of times said the word "cat" in reference to a person: Seven.

• Event of the Week: The Stub Hub Legends Classic (a real event, actually, I think).

• Unfortunate Simile of the Week: "He was more stoned than a Syrian adulteress."

• Guests: Jose Canseco, Bruce Pearl, Warren Sapp.

• Best line:. (By Sapp) "I've played for 13 years, and that takes a toll. If I'm going to continue, I'm going to have to go see Jose ..."

• Other references. CEC (Chronic Expansion Committee) ... Sean Combs' rec room ... Leon Lett ... The Jackie Gleason Show ... himself wearing a sports bra.

OK, I'll admit it: I didn't see the entire show. I apologize. I'm supposed to be watching this thing so that you don't have to, but it's likely to go the standard 12 episodes before cancellation and I'm not made of metal. I'd rather watch The Vagina Monologues while dressed as Princess Margaret, drinking warm beer in a basement in Falluja than watch one more minute of this. I never thought I'd say this, but save me, Frank TV!

Sports Unfiltered With Dennis Miller [Versus]

Yes, Sports Unfiltered With Dennis Miller lurched gloriously into Week 2 on Tuesday, proving that the writers strike is only something to worry about if you have writers. There's something depressing about Sports Unfiltered being the only talk show in live production right now, but then we knew that Dennis isn't exactly Tom Joad when it comes to labor issues. Neither is Charles Barkley, evidently, who was the first guest.

Guest Numero Dos was Ultimate Fighting Championship president Dana White, whose sport is — surprise! — featured on Versus! The UFC is something that Miller would have vivisected with relish in his stand up act, but since Versus features Ultimate Cage Fighting, this exciting sport is the next big thing, babe! (Actual quote: "There has never been a recorded death in UFC history. What's your secret?").

But we barely scratch the surface. Let's go to the vital statistics.

• WTF Statement of the Week: "YA Tittle suited up in a moth bucket while wearing Capri pants."

• Word of the Week: Labraoodle.

• Outright Lie of the Week. (Concerning the Tahoe Celebrity Golf Tournament): "I'm going to try and come back this year."

• Event of the Week: First Annual Toon Town Open.

•Questionable Simile of the Week: "Played more often than a Goonies DVD at Michael Jackson's place."

• Team of the Week: Tampa Bay Suck Weasels.

• Other references: Hope and Crosby ... the Androgeny Cup ... auto fellatio ... Darrel Imoff ... Chuck Bednarik ... Shula's Catfish Hut ... Shula's Pastry Emporium ... Church of Shula Jesus ... Cannonball Run III ... Travis Henry ... Sen. Larry Craig's Quick Recall Sperm Bank ... George Will ... Andy Reid's breakfast calzone ... purple nurples.

• Brandon Lang Pick of the Previous Week: Vikings plus 6 1/2 over the Packers.

The highlight for me, however, was during the Ask Dennis segment, in which a guy named Bob asked a videotaped question about something or other. Dennis paused and noted: "Bob kind of threw me off there. He seems to be going bald up front, yet his hair is long in the back." Yeah, hilarious. Not everyone can afford hair plugs like you, cha-cha.

Sports Unfiltered promises to pull no punches, and as proof, just take a look at one of their promos. You may notice that our hero promotes bull riding as "a real sport." Versus happens to feature bull riding. Yeah, Orwell, Huxley, Miller ... all cut from the same cloth.

Anyway, let's go to the debut show's vital statistics:

• WTF Statement of the Week. "The next big sport will involve tiny dwarfs strapped to the backs of rabid hyenas on a slowly moving river barge."

• This Week's Word. Priapism.

• This Week's French Word. Bouliabaisse.

• Event of the Week. The All-Fetish Invitational at Hamburg, Germany.

• Guests. Curt Schilling, Al Michaels, Brandon Lang.

• Gratuitous 1930s Reference. "You look like FDR at Warm Springs."

• Gratuitous 1970s Reference. "Willie Mays ended up with the Mets."

• Statement That Was So Inexact That It Made Bill James Throw Up. "The Red Sox went something like 80 years without a championship, then they won two in the past several."

• Other References. Robolock, God of the Harvest ... Lou Piniella, the loveable domanatrix ... Ike Turner ... snuff films ... fish who say f###.

Segments included a rant, some interviews, a Weekend Update-style news spot, and the delightful "Ask Dennis", in which he answers viewer e-mail in — astonishingly — dismissive, mocking fashion. Overall, Miller's latest TV effort retains the air of all of the ones before it: Different at first, then confusing and tiresome, and ultimately canceled. If you disagree, why not head on over to the studio in Santa Barbara where they tape it, because they're looking for audience members. And possibly writers.

Time For The 2007 SHOTY Nominations [Deadspin]
Ask Dennis [Versus]
Dennis Miller Is Coming And It Seems There Is Nothing We Can Do About It [Deadspin]

Remember that's Versus, where my show will appear directly following Squirrel Shoot Jamboree with Lockjaw Tucker. Enjoy the green screen, citizens. Ciao.

Dennis Miller Promo [YouTube]
Dennis Miller Explains It All ... On Versus! [Deadspin]

We are very disappointed that Charter customers may lose VERSUS. We hope to resolve this carriage issue with Charter as soon as possible so that NHL fans don't miss any playoffs action, PBR fans don't miss any events in the coming weeks and so that field sports viewers don't miss out on the best field sports programming available. We hope for a quick resolution so that VERSUS viewers can continue to enjoy their favorite VERSUS programming. To contact Charter call: 888-438-2427.

Ah, the NHL. If the supposed most exciting postseason event in sports is not on television for anyone to see it, did it actually happen?

Call Your Charter Rep [Versus]

The network fancies itself a potential competitor with ESPN, though its attempts to get an NFL game this year went for naught. Not that it's limiting itself to games with just people in them.

"Whether it is man vs. man, man vs. beast or team vs. team, the channel will celebrate sports at its best, where athletes and sportsmen compete at their highest levels with the greatest passion," the network said in a statement.

We guarantee you, if Versus has plenty of "man vs. beast" competitions, we will most certainly watch. Like that time when the hot dog eating champion went up against a bear. Frankly, we'd think all sports could use a bear.

Outdoor Life Network To Become Versus [Boston.com]