* Why aren't the Paralympics held at the same time as the regular Olympics? This guy is downhill skiing on one leg. If that doesn't warrant a sappy NBC tribute hosted by Cris Collinsworth, I don't know what does. [AP Photo via The Big Picture]

* Here's a shocker: Ron Washington's super cocaine adventure was not his first rodeo, so to speak. This doesn't make sense though, because how could a baseball player use drugs when he wasn't playing in the clearly demarcated "Steroid Era"? [Dallas Morning News]

* In other news, Vin Scully: Still incredibly old. [MLB]

* Anaheim's James Wisniewski gets an eight-game suspension for his Looney Tunes-esque hit on Chicago's Brent Seabrook, proving once again that violence never solves anything. Except when it does. [Yahoo, ESPN]

* Finally, in honor of Peter "Captain Over" Graves, here's an interview with Joey from "Airplane". No, he's never been in a Turkish prison, although he was thoroughly manhandled by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. [Village Voice]

* * * * *

Hey, I'm back! What do you mean, "You were gone?" It was a whole week! Yeah, I didn't notice either. Anyway, I'm a little behind on my email/reading—and obviously a little rusty this morning—so I'm just going to assume that Tiger Woods didn't do anything hilarious recently. I mean, it's not like his story can get more embarrassing, right?

The writer, David Biderman, subjected himself to every team's home broadcast last Friday, using a tally counter to add up how many words the play-by-play men spoke during the game's first scoreless inning. Vin Scully came in first, at 143.51 words per minute — maybe Jeff Kent was right! — though that's relatively pithy for someone manning the broadcast booth all by his lonesome. The Cardinals' Dan McLaughlin checks in at No. 2, at 109.93 words per minute. Biderman writes:

Mr. McLaughlin drove up his word count with a riff comparing Albert Pujols to Babe Ruth (based on how many extra-base-hits each player had in his first 500 at-bats), as well as expressing the opinion that Chris Duncan, a former Cardinal, was cut too quickly by the Boston Red Sox.

The Nationals' Bob Carpenter (102.33), the Reds' George Grande (102.06) and the Diamondbacks' Daron Sutton (100.36) round out the top five, well ahead of yammering blowhard Michael Kay, who metes out his pomposities at 73.4 words per minute. Ken Harrelson of the White Sox is a few notches beneath him, at 70.98 words per, which is actually impressive when you consider that those words comprise nothing but "he" and "gone." In last is the Giants' Duane Kuiper, who snuck in 55.44 per minute after someone woke him from his nap.

Meet Baseball's Chattiest TV Announcers [Wall Street Journal]

And I'm not sure what greatest sportscaster list would have Bill Walton included in the top 40, unless one was going by height. Oh wait, he's on the ASA board. OK. Anyway, Vin Scully was voted No. 1, and he just found out about it, so it must be fairly recent. Right? What the voting criteria was is a mystery, and play-by-play guys seem to be mixed in with color analysts, and Terry Bradshaw (honorable mention!). Plus, gratuitous Joe Morgan.

From Tom Hoffarth at the Los Angeles Daily News:

The Dodgers finally caught wind of this list and sent out a press release Monday afternoon. As for Vin Scully being named No. 1, he emailed to us: "The sportscasters' vote is news to me. I never voted but I am humbled to be in front of Mel Allen, Red Barber and Curt Gowdy. The longevity part must have been the decider."

Dick Enberg, who made the top 10 and is also the Chairman of the Board for ASA, also emailed back before heading out to Melbourne to cover the Australia Open tennis championships starting next week on ESPN: "Frankly, there's plenty of room for argument, which is common with any of the suspect 'Best of All-Time' lists. It never helps your chances if deceased. (Check: Husing, Brickhouse, Dunphy, Stern, and of course, Chick Hearn.) With the exception of yours truly, the top 10 is pretty solid."

There's nothing at all about this on the ASA web site. All in all, a very odd endeavor.

And Marv Albert is on the Advisory Board. Oh good.

The Whole Top 50 ASA list, From Scully To Collins And Beyond [Farther Off The Wall]
Scully No. 1, This Is News? [Farther Off The Wall]

Sometimes we find that Los Angelenos have differing views of Vin Scully, probably because they hear him more often and he's very old. But we think it's pretty amazing when Scully just does the games by himself, no analyst, just him talking.

And we wish Jack Buck were still alive so we could put him on one of these.

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We don't think Torre quite looks right in a Dodgers uniform; after years of Tommy Lasorda in that thing, sheesh, the guy almost looks too skinny. (Must be all the tea.) He's got a three-year deal, and we hope he spends every day of those three years hanging out with Vin Scully. They kind of deserve each other. They're both on the current Mt. Rushmore of baseball, they've both seen far better days and they both are kind of humored by everyone because of all they've accomplished in the past. Oh, and Joe? Block Lasorda's phone number. Seriously.

Torre Gets A Sunny Welcome [New York Times]