I'm not a gambling man (because that's illegal and wrong in my state), but it has been pointed out that the Texans were favored at home on Monday Night Football, yet somehow failed to win. Or maybe someone's fantasy team needed about 200 total yards and a passing touchdown? What other reasons can you think of that would make a ref feel inclined to give one up top to the winning quarterback?

Actually, I know what it is. High-fiving is just an instinct. No matter how you feel about someone, no matter impartial you're supposed to pretend to be ... you just can't leave a man hanging like that.

Hey, buddy. High five!

Honorable Mention: New York Islanders goaltender Dwayne Roloson made 58 saves last night to beat ... oh, I'm sorry, it was just the Maple Leafs. Most of their shots probably just slowly skidded to a stop before they got to him.

Want to nominate someone for Last Night's Winner? Send me an email at dashiell@deadspin.com.

Last year, Romo's life—and that of his team—was an embarrassing and not very entertaining soap opera. He was dating an incredibly untalented tabloid star, fighting with his wide receivers (while secretly holding late-night trysts with his tight end) and the Cowboys missed the playoffs after he folded like a cheap suit during the stretch run. (Plus, there was Hard Knocks, Pacman Jones, Roy Williams, etc...) After a promising start to his career, it was looking like he might become the answer to a bar trivia question 10 years from now that would make people say, "Tony Romo? Whatever happened to that guy?"

Since then he dumped Jessica, Terrell Owens got run out of town and the Cowboys have returned to first place. Romo has found a new, less complain-y target and the giant video board is too distracting for anyone to notice his shaky footwork. Without all that drama in his life, Romo is a pretty solid quarterback. Solid enough to outsmart Andy Reid and the Eagles anyway. (Seriously, between the failed challenges and sissy field goal in the final minutes, I don't think there's any big game the Eagles can't find a way to screw up.)

Oh, there's still plenty of time for that late season collapse (despite two games against Washington and Oakland at home) and he still has a grumpy and terrible Roy Williams to deal with. Plus, you know ... Wade Phillips. But right now no one really cares about what Tony Romo is up to anymore and that should be just the way he likes it if he wants to keep winning.

Tony Romo, minus the flash, has pushed Cowboys atop of NFC East [USA Today]
Tony Romo delivers another complete performance in win over Eagles [Fort Worth Star-Telegram]

* * * * *

Here are some other big winners, who did not win quite as big:

Marmalard: That'll show those Giants for trading you for that pretty boy. Now let's get fucking druuuuunk. [Newsday]

The Indianapolis Colts: All they do is win! (*Regular Season Only) They'll be undefeated when the Patriots come to town next week. Then we'll see what's what. [Yahoo, Toronto Star]

SEC Championship Game Ticket Brokers: Another SEC game, another poor officiating job in favor of the undefeated team. They will get their Alabama vs. Florida, but not without another bit of generosity from the referees. [Mobile Press-Register, Wetzel]

Big Ten Haters: The conference's last best hope for respectability lost their quarterback and their undefeated season and now Ohio State will get yet another chance to lose the Rose Bowl. At least all our games are out of the way before Thanksgiving! (Sigh.) [Chicago Tribune, The Lantern]

Vince Young: 2-0 since taking over the reigns of the Titans. So everything's cool now, right? [Tennessean]

Finally, the Weekend Loser?: Matt Leinart: Seriously, the guy came into a no pressure, can't lose blowout and still got pulled from the game for being worse than ineffective. (One attempt, one interception.) Have you considered a career in the exciting field of electronics repair? The brochure is free!

Our first repeat winner, but it's hard to argue that he doesn't deserve it since he's finally earning a lifetime of $250 million contracts in one shortlong month. ("The New Mr. October and New Mr. November!") After Games 1 and 2 of the World Series (0-8, 6 Ks) it looked like all his post-season "failures" were coming back to haunt him once again. Then, with the Yankees in trouble in Game 3, he bounces one off a camera to start the rally and then comes up with another huge hit—under pressure even!—to give himself the game-winning RBI in Game 4. Plus, he got hit by a pitch three times in two days, because intentional walks just aren't rough enough for this guy.

You know what? I'm just going to say it. If there's anyone on the planet who can get away with hanging a painting of himself depicted as a mighty centaur over his bed, it's Alex Rodriguez. He's got True Yankee coming out of his ... well, everywhere.

Alex Rodriguez earns "true Yankee' status [Allentown Morning Call]
A-Rod all about quality, not quantity in Series [Daily News]
The 2009 MLB Season Has Belonged To A-Rod [Rumors and Rants]
Cashing in with the best team that money can buy [AP]
Matthews: A-Rod is now a postseason powerhouse [Newsday]

* * * * *

Here are some other big winners, who did not win quite as big:

Johnny Damon: The real hero last night, Damon got a huge hit off Brad Lidge then stole two bases to set up A-Rod's big moment. Didn't he used to play in Rhode Island or something?

Vince Young: By waiting until his team played a very beatable Jacksonville squad (and until the Titans' season was pretty much over) to work his way into the starting lineup, Vince Young looks like a hero again. It was a very sane and mentally balanced performance. [The Tennessean]

Ted Ginn: Two 100-yard kickoff returns and 299 total kick return yards after not being allowed to start the game at WR. Obviously, he's much too valuable to be allowed to play offense. Also, I think the Jets might have some concerns on special teams. [Star-Ledger]

Unidentified Minnesota Quarterback: Yeah, yeah. I know.

Texas Longhorns: UT leapt over Alabama in the polls and the BCS simply because the Tide took the week off. Pussies. [AP]

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!: For the first time in 27 years, the NYC Marathon was won by a goddamn red-blooded American. (Who was born in Eritrea.) We will take that. [New York Times]

And the Weekend Loser?: The Oakland Raiders Receiving Corps. Just the way they drew it up.

•It's not another "Natinals," but rather Pedro forgetting to button up. Also Charlie Manuel forgetting to take Pedro out early enough (that sounds familiar). The Yankees even the series, sending it to Philadelphia. Hey, at least we're not seeing another sweep this year. (Thanks to reader Jay for the screenshot.)

•Vince Young will be back behind center on Sunday. Best case scenario, he replaces LenDale White as the rusher who'll spell Chris Johnson.

•The first AP poll is out, and Kansas is your overwhelming number one. But more fun is seeing who barely snuck in. Old Dominion and Holy Cross received one vote apiece. What, they're letting Nancy Lieberman-Cline and Bill Simmons vote now?

•The Big Lead has a good read on Jozy Altidore's stunted development. It's troubling, and with Charlie Davies likely out next summer, he's a more crucial piece than ever. For those of you who are confused what I'm talking about, it's soccer. Just move on.

•North Carolina takes down No. 13/14 Virginia Tech on a last-second field goal. It's been two and a half years...is it okay to not root for Va Tech now?

•Fifty thousand St. Louisans step off the ledge; Albert Pujols says he wants to be a Cardinal for life. Still, when people want to be somewhere for life, they sign long-term contracts like the ones the Cards have repeatedly offered. Just saying...

•Proving that Angelenos dole out their fandom based on how close to the playoffs each team is, here's a poll from the LA Times where USC comes out on top as LA's favorite team

•Finally, from Fail Blog, we bring you the only seat at Neyland Stadium that has a seatback:

•Think it was an odd year? In 2009, baseball saw 8 players hit for the cycle, three steals of home, a no-hitter, a perfect game, and an unassisted triple play. Perhaps the most mathematically improbable feat of all: Mark McGwire is back in baseball.

•The defending champion Lakers opened their season in "we played the Clippers" form, getting outshot and outrebounded but still winning. Kobe takes the early league lead in shots taken, a lead he is sure to never relinquish.

•Shaq had 10 and 10, for literally the most ineffectual double-double possible, as the Cavs fell to Boston on opening night. Rasheed Wallace didn't earn a technical, and Kevin Garnett's knee didn't explode, so all in all a good night for them.

•Speaking of the Celtics, Glen Davis will be out a couple months after breaking his thumb in a fight with a childhood friend. He'll be suspended, forfeiting a good chunk of his $3,000,000 salary. Hell, for less than half of what he stands to miss, I'll be his friend and not break his finger.

•Jimmy Rollins went on Leno and predicted Phillies in five. It was easily the funniest thing said on Leno's show since it premiered.

•Titans owner Bud Adams wants Vince Young to take over as starter. Bud Adams is 86, so I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he just doesn't remember how VY played when he was starting.

•Finally, in honor of A.J. Burnett's and Shane Victorino's postgame tradition of pieing teammates, a video from the archives; Soupy Sales nailing Bob Costas (go to the 1:00 mark).

Nate has a learning disability similar to dyslexia, which impedes his reading skills and overall comprehension. So despite dominating MAC competition at Ball St, Davis fell to the 5th round of this year's draft because pro scouts deemed him-like Vince Young-too stupid to play in the NFL.

To those scouts, Nate says suck it in his own simple words:

I know that every team was a little hesitant taking me because of my learning disability. You know what? I came off and I was honest during the (NFL Scouting) combine. I came out and the first thing I told them was, 'Listen, I have a learning disability.' I wasn't going to hide nothing. I wanted them to know, and that I can overcome it, too.

No problem. Nate's been tearing it up in preseason thanks to a special, Dr. Seussified playbook replete with pictures instead of all that wacky play-calling lingo (RED 76 SELENIUM!) liable to confuse Stephen Hawking.

And since Alex Smith and Shaun Hill — the QBs ahead of Nate on the roster — have disabilities of their own (throwing disabilities), don't be surprised to see Nate start much, much sooner than any of those nay saying scouts could've ever predicted.

Despite Learning Disability, 49ers QB Nate Davis Earns NFL Job [Fanhouse]

Dallas Morning News columnist Jean-Jacques Taylor was one of those awestruck by Young when he dominated the college game as UT's quarterback but he's now convinced that that VY's glory days have passed him by in the blink of a young shirtless brother's eye.

For back up, Taylor used Roy Williams' body language:

Roy Williams needed nearly 10 seconds to figure out a way to describe his former teammate's career.

First, Williams smiled. Then he paused. Then he shrugged. Then he looked upward.

Then he smiled awkwardly. Again.

Finally, Williams spoke.

"I wish the best of luck to the guy," he said. "We all know he can play and we all know the things he can do when his head is on right."

Yes. When Vince Young's head is on right, he can pick apart Tampa Bay's second-string defense.

Vince Young's magic merely a memory [DMN]

Young, as you remember, is close to getting permanently doghoused by Jeff Fisher (if it hasn't happened already) and has worried teammates, family members, and NFL execs with his wacky manic-depressive behavior and disenchantment with football. (CUT TO Whitlock: Toldja!)

But the blues can't keep VY from smooth-talking the Smash Mic lady and chucking bills off the stage as Nelly encourages the crowd to throw various parts of their body into the sky like they were doomed for oblivion. And VY's behavior doesn't suggest that he's not doing what he said earlier this month — something about "taking care of his responsibilities as quarterback" and focusing on the "business" of football — but merely enjoying the last gasps of the off-season before he's forced to endure a grueling nine months of moping on the Tennessee sidelines. Plus, it was his 26th birthday weekend.

Hey, Nelly Play 'Hot In Here' So I can Lose This Damn Shirt Already [KSK]
Vince Young Makes It Drizzle [You Been Blinded]

Yes, Vince Young's forays into cased meat sales are not recent, but this photo sent in from a sausage-eyed reader still seemed so...new. It was only yesterday that we saw Vince Young half-bombed at LenDale White's birthday party and today, he's 2 for $5 in a random super market. So Vince Young wears a suit during his hot dog photo shoot but goes with a blazer-buttoned-down combo for LenDale's party and shirtless for a Longhorns reunion? This explains so much.

It's Friday. Gooooood morning. Let's bid farewell to Memphis and, you know, rock the shit. We all went there on business.

LenDale's birthday was in December, when Albert Haynesworth was still in Nashville and Vince Young was still ... whatever it was he was doing back then. After the usual shout-outs and big ups and whatnot, it's just a couple guys hanging out at the club, not getting drunk on premium water sponsorships and maybe some friendly teammate bonding.

Also, I'm not sure, but I believe Haynesworth mentions Roger Goodell "having" some girl in his office? I didn't actually catch most of that, but I do like how Albert brags about being Goodell's first "real" suspension. Suspensions must have been on his mind, because this party must have taken place about a week after the car accident that left another driver in a wheelchair, which itself was just a few days after Haynesworth had been placed on probation by judge. (Hence all the water?)

But, hey, as long as Vince keeps his shirt on, no one is going to complain.

Vince Young & Albert Haynesworth (Lendale White B-Day Party) [YouTube, via The Low Tube]

Voting will remain open until the end of the first round ... so let's start it while you're still here. It's No. 2 seed Roger Clemens vs. No. 15 Vince Young. A look at the nominees' 2008 resumes:

No. 2 Roger Clemens
Held a press conference, kind of.
Feuded with Andy Pettitte, kind of.
Told Congress about bleeding through his pants.
Gaped as old flames reared their heads, ugly and otherwise.
Got boners.
Sold a car to Bret Michaels.

No. 15 Vince Young
Danced as if, in the future, the government will ban shirts.
Wanted to retire.
Melted down.
Hushed his mom.
Didn't try to kill himself.

Talkin' turkey! Who makes the Elite Eight?

In that interview, Hoge also disclosed that Jeff Fisher didn't want to draft Vince Young, Young drove to the practice facility in a limo and adamantly stated that Titans' players are thrilled that Young's injured because they're "better without him." Fisher defended his quarterback and told the Tennessean that all of Hoge's reports were "incorrect." Hoge told the paper that he wasn't surprised Fisher defended his player but added that he will never utter another word about Vince Young's horribleness:

"One thing I would like to never talk about again though is VinceYoung. I am so done with his stuff and how it has turned out. I feel bad for him as a person, and it bothers me it has gotten so deep because I have nothing against him as a person ''.

When Merill Hoge observes a "No Vince Young Bashing" policy, you know the concerns about the butterfly quarterback's fragile mental state must be serious.

Fisher, ESPN's Hoge Try to Clear Up Young Comments [Tennessean]

Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs, well, every Thursday afternoon during the NFL season. Drew’s new book, “Men With Balls,” released October 27th and featuring 100% new material, is available for pre-order here. You can email Drew here. Read him during the week at KSK.

With the pseudo-benching of Vince Young last week and the officially benching of Tarvaris Jackson this week (Thank you, Jesus), there are now four black starting quarterbacks in the NFL: David Garrard, Jason Campbell, Donovan McNabb, and JaMarcus Russell. And now that Brad Childress has finally wised the fuck up and realized, long after the rest of the world has, that Jackson is terrible quarterback, that number is unlikely to change any time this season. Good thing Childress benched Jackson, because I was ready to personally come to his house and wipe my ass on his bald fucking head if he hadn’t.

Unlike Young and Jackson, the four remaining black quarterbacks in the league are essentially pocket passers. You could argue that Garrard and McNabb are very mobile, but both usually only use their wheels as a last resort (McNabb prides himself on this fact). And that means the league is now completely devoid of highly mobile starting quarterbacks.

Most teams have finally wised up and realized that mobile passers (like Michael Vick) have failed to live up to the promise of supposedly revolutionizing the position, and that trying to convert physically gifted (but raw) mobile quarterbacks into smart pocket passers is a complete waste of fucking time. Especially in today’s NFL, where quarterbacks don’t get five years to learn on the job anymore.

In today’s NFL, a passer gets two years, three at the absolute maximum, to show he can win games. If you don’t come into the league at least somewhat skilled at standing tall in the pocket in a pro style offense, you’re fucking useless in the NFL. And, as Vince Young, Kordell Stewart, and Michael Vick have proven, you can have physical skills that are far and away superior to that of your peers and it doesn’t matter. The fact that Kerry Collins and Gus Frerotte, two complete stiffs, represent legitimate improvements from their respective predecessors only drives the point home further. If you can’t quickly read a defense and get the ball out, you’re not a quarterback. You’re Eric Crouch, and you suck.

This is a bad omen for the future of black quarterbacks in the league. People use terms like “mobile quarterbacks” and “pocket passers” as a way of both differentiating quarterbacks by way of style and, unfairly, race. When Vick and Young were both starting, these stereotypes were somewhat rooted in accuracy. But those guys are gone now, and both stand as giant warning signs to the rest of the league’s teams that brilliant athletic ability is officially worthless without good quarterbacking ability. The position cannot be revolutionized. It is what it has always been. And players who can’t play the game the way Tom Brady and Peyton Manning do can go right to the scrap heap.

And that’s a bad sign for anyone hoping a black quarterback can finally break through and win another Super Bowl long after Doug Williams did it the first time. Because the system, as it is set up now, could lead to a future that is almost totally devoid of silky smooth blackness as the league’s glamour spot.

Let’s just cave in to stereotypes and say that black quarterbacks, in general, have more mobility than white quarterbacks. Go ahead. You’re not a horrible person to assume so. Now, let’s say you’re a college coach. And let’s say you’ve got a kickass black QB who can blaze a 4.4 down the field. Are you going to turn this guy loose in the open field and let him run the ball 10 or 15 times a game? Or would you, for the sake of his future pro career, tell him to stop running the ball and go through the painful process of teaching him to quickly read the defense across the entire field?

Would you be willing to do that? Fuck and no, you wouldn’t.

If you’re an athletically gifted black QB in high school, your physical talent is actually a giant detriment to your potential as a future All-Pro, because your college coach isn’t going to use you in a way that will help you develop into something beyond what you already are. (He may also be subtly ignorant and assume you aren’t a quick learner, an assumption he may not be as quick to make with a white QB.) He’s got games to win and contracts to bail out on. He doesn’t give a flying fuck about you. Why would he? He needs you to win games now, and he doesn’t win games by helping you change the entire way you play the game.

That takes time and effort, and it takes away from all the chances your coach has to host radio shows and suck his own dick. And college coaches LOVE sucking their own dicks. Especially Charlie Weis, who needs a very special traction device to be able to do so.

The upshot of all this is that many physically gifted college QB’s won’t be ready to become successful pros. And pro teams, in turn, won’t have the patience to develop them. This doesn’t always work out along racial lines. The most physically gifted QB in all of college football is Tim Tebow, and there’s a strong possibility that Tebow will follow in the footsteps of Alex Smith and become a giant bag of suck as a pro.

But that fact is, a great many of these talented players will be black (like Andre’ Woodson, who fell all the way to Round 6 of the draft last spring despite his breathtaking playmaking abilities). And, if college coaches refuse to mold a new generation of black pocket passers (if they ever bothered to begin with), their days at the position may be numbered. And players like Campbell and Russell, who have always been pocket passers, will remain rare exceptions to the rule.

Now, you may not give a shit about this. Who cares what color a QB is, right? It’s like the decreased number of blacks playing baseball. Only a bleeding heart liberal pussy would give a shit about such a thing, right? Maybe. But maybe the failure of quarterbacks like Vick, Jackson, and Young will serve to reinforce (in stupid people) the very old notion that blacks are too slow in the head to play the position. And a virtually all-white NFL quarterbacking corps would probably resurrect that stereotype to full health in short order. And that isn’t all right.

Because let me tell you something. Last Sunday, the two best young passers I saw out there were Jay Cutler and Philip Rivers. And Jay Cutler and Philip Rivers are two of the fucking biggest, whitest tools ever to walk this Earth.

Please God, don’t make me root for people like that.

The Games

All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.

Five Throwgasms

Cowboys at Packers: Last year the Cowboys were far and away the best team in the NFC during the regular season. And there’s every indication that they have now widened that gap even further, particularly if they beat the Packers. But you Cowboys should know something. You could go 16-0. You could win the Super Bowl. But until one of your wideouts attempts to fucking murder a teammate, and one of your defensive ends whips out his enormocock and throws poopy toilet paper at assistants, you will NEVER capture the hearts and loins of the Dallas faithful like the old Cowboys did.

If I were you, I’d start fucking in airplanes more.

Jaguars at Colts: Holy shit, the Colts are injured. I blame this on the Colts’ training staff, who administer to all team injuries by placing their hands over the affected area, saying a small prayer, and then punching a gay person.

Steelers at Eagles: It’s bragging rights between Pittsburgh and Philly to decide which is the better town! It’s like a trivia contest between Kige Ramsey and a piece of driftwood.

Four Throwgasms

Jets at Chargers: Favre vs. Marmalard. See what I mean about white QB’s being annoying as fuck?

Saints at Broncos: Mike Shanahan on the ref crew last Sunday: “This was the best crew that we have had in the last 20 crews I have graded. They did a heck of a job.” I fucking hate people like this. Why do you need to spin? You won the game, asshead. Go buy some more Polident and be happy for your luck.

Three Throwgasms

Panthers at Vikings: Witness the potential miracle of a Viking QB throwing two straight completions.

Cardinals at Redskins: With the injuries to the Seahawks, the Buzzsaw is, quite clearly, the most talented team in the NFC West. They SHOULD win this division, which is why they won’t.

Bucs at Bears

Two Throwgasms

Dolphins at Patriots: If Matt Cassel wins another game, you will invariably start seeing non-Patriot fans on message boards using the phrases “Tom Brady” and “system QB” in the same sentence. I know I’ve had my fun with Patriots fans. But, honestly, if you Boston folk see anyone do this, you have carte blanche to bury a steak knife in that person’s face.

Bengals at Giants: Jesus, it’s like someone swapped the Giants’ September schedule with Kansas State’s.

Lions at 49ers
Raiders at Bills
Texans at Titans
Browns at Ravens

One Throwgasm

Chiefs at Falcons: It’s hard to put into words just how terrible the Chiefs were last week. I don’t know why they can’t just show high-res images of Kelli Croyle throughout the duration of the telecast.

Rams at Seahawks

Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall/Metallica Mea Culpa

“The End Of The Line,” by Metallica. It was in this space last week where I reviewed the video of Metallica’s “Day That Never Comes,” off of their new album. That song blows. But I made the mistake of assuming that song represented the style of the rest of “Death Magnetic.” I was wrong. I was way fucking wrong.

Rick Rubin, you are a goddamn saint. Bob Rock, you deserve to be trucked out to the Arctic and left for dead.

Metallica is finally a thrash band again. Rubin must have sat the band down and told them, “Enough of this goddamn Lynyrd Skynyrd bullshit. You’re fucking Metallica, you fucks. Now go play the kind of music only fucking Metallica can play.” Then I bet Lars got all uppity, and then Rubin had to punch him right in his stupid fucking mouth to put him in his place.

At least, that’s how it all goes down in my head.

Hammett’s guitar solos are back. The crummy yet lovable production values of “…And Justice For All” are back. Hetfield’s angry bark is back. This album isn’t as good as the band’s first four albums, and a couple of tracks suck (the lead single and “The Unforgiven III,” which is the heavy metal sequel equivalent of Rambo III). But at least the band fucking sounds like Metallica again, and that’s all I’ve really ever wanted from these assholes for the past two decades.

Between this album and reading ”Watch You Bleed: The Saga Of Guns ‘N’ Roses”, I feel like I’m 12 years old all over again. Time to go stick my dick under the tub faucet!

Embarassing Album I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up

“Tender Lover” by Babyface. ‘Cause you got that whip appeal, so work it on me. When I was 16 or so, I had a whole raft of tapes that I considered “seduction tapes,” tapes I would throw on in the monumental event that a girl might actually come to my room (Spoiler alert: never happened). So I would put on a tape, such as this one, and imagine just such a seduction playing out in my head. Did I stand in front of a mirror and smooth talk imaginary women? Maybe even throw my reflection a sly giggle?

/takes giant swing of whisky

Yes. Yes, I can admit that now. Ralph Tresvant was also useful for this sort of thing. Ladies, if you want to be treated right, see Father MC. Or check Ralph Tresvant, for Sensitivity.

Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Ryan Grant. I do not own Ryan Grant, but I know there are few things worse than owning a player, seeing his team scored 48 fucking points that week, checking the stat sheet, assuming he had a great outing, and then seeing he was the ONE fucking player on the offense who did nothing.

That was Laurence Maroney all of last year. Last week, it was Grant. Oh, and he’s hurt this week. Fucking Ryan fucking Grant, you fucking bag of South Bend taint drippings. Eat a cum sandwich, you bastard.

Five Potential Key Injuries
-LaDainian Tomlinson (toe)
-Joey Porter (manic retardation)
-Santana Moss (Never Puts Together Two Fucking Good Games In Row Disease)
-Matt Schaub (pancreatic ballooning)
-Terrell Owens (flesh-eating chlamydia)

Boston Fans React To Last Week’s Jamboroo

Image via Birdsmack Middle Finger Solutions.

Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week’s suicide pick of Giants was correct, which makes me 1-1 for the year. Off the board now are the Giants and Detroit. We again choose both a team for your suicide pool and an actual way of committing suicide. This week’s pick? Buffalo, and actually acting out bunny suicides. Who says Asian kids are smart?

Nazi Shark’s Vegas Lock Of The Week

Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There’s no reason we at Deadspin can’t also get in on the fun. So we’ve asked National Socialist German Workers’ Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.

“This week, I like the Giants giving 11 1/2 points at home against the Bengals. Did you know sharks never sleep? That’s because we know the Jews will take our money if we do.”

Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. This week’s chopping block:

Lane Kiffin
Scott Linehan
Marvin Lewis
Rod Marinelli
Mike Nolan
Brad Childress
Herm Edwards
Romeo Crennel

Gametime Snack Of The Week

Fruit Roll Ups! I swear there isn’t a stranger processed fruit snack on the planet than Fruit Roll Ups. “Hey, kids like fruit! And kids like paper! Let’s make fruit paper!” Oooh, look at all the ways I can play with it! I can ROLL it, like the Dead Fruit Scrolls! I can FOLD it! Neat! The allure of Fruit Roll Ups is baffling. They’re 95% fucking wax, for shit’s sake. You could wrap a block of Danish cheese in one for a decade and it would stay fresh.

I actually used to take every Fruit Roll Up out of the box, separate them from the cellophane, fold them up, and then stuff all of them in my mouth at once. Yes, I was an overweight child. Why do you ask? I also liked to wrap the Fruit Roll Up around my finger, and then suck on it. And man, that sure is gay now that I think about it.

Gametime Beer Of The Week

Chimay! Delicious, luscious, oh so wonderful Chimay. Drinking a bottle of you is like being hugged by a very friendly, loving panda bear. There could be a nuclear holocaust outside my window and your rich flavor would still put me at ease.

One time, I drank Chimay and smoked pot with former Dallas Cowboy linebacker Jeff Rohrer. It’s the coolest thing I ever did, and I’ll never come close to doing anything that cool ever, ever, ever again. Not every former NFL linebacker smokes weed, but it’s a whole lot fucking cooler when they do.

Kenley Collins Is An Arrogant Sack Of Shit

My wife watches “Project Runway,” which means that I also watch “Project Runway”. And, to be honest, I quite enjoy it. I like the fact that the contestants have to do actual work. I also like the fact that Heidi Klum is almost unbearably hot. But I do NOT like the show whenever this ARROGANT WHOREBRAT graces the screen. Holy shit, this bitch needs to go down. You know those girls who always laugh, especially as a way of covering up passive aggressive comments? Well, this filthy strumpet does it all the fucking time. Eat shit, Kenley. You are insufferably overconfident, you’re too stupid to take constructive criticism, and your designs rely on nothing but tired vintage fabrics! I hope you get pricked with a herpes-infected sewing needle.

Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Rams Fans

Screwball Hotel. People badmouth 80’s fashions all the time, but I’ve been waiting 20 years now for a spandex miniskirt revival. There’s just something magical about a synthetic tube barely covering a woman’s ass, and the folks who made 80’s soft core porn comedy “Screwball Hotel” should be applauded for capturing it in such exquisite detail. This movie also introduces us to a great, underrated uniform fetish: the buxom female bellhop. Memo to the folks at the Omni in Richmond: THAT is how you fucking do hospitality, people.

Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
“Hey, he's not happy at all! He lied to us through song! I hate when people do that!”

Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: Dorota Doda Rabczewska. (gallery has some thong shots and may be NSFW) If you say Dorota’s name three times quickly, you end up swallowing your own tongue. Dorota is from Poland. I’d like to put my kotlet schabowy into HER drozdzowka, if you know what I mean!
-For the gals: Actor Chris Evans. Is that an Atlanta Braves tattoo? What a douche..

Your Motivational Pregame Quote For The Weekend
“YOU LYING WHORE! YOU USED ME! YOU NEVER LOVED ME! I HOPE YOU SLIDE UNDER A GAS TRUCK AND TASTE YOUR OWN BLOOD! DIE! DIE! I WANT MY RECORDS BACK! I WANT MY RECORDS BACK!!!!”
-Kinison

Enjoy the games, everyone.

Photoshops courtesy of 289.

"I'm fine. I'm good,'' Young said. "I just needed (time) … to get through some things. But now I am OK. I was never depressed; I just hurt a little bit. … When it happens again, I'll know how to handle it.''

All of the buzz is around statements made to the Tennessee police by the therapist that talked to Vince on Monday.

“I asked him, ‘What made her worry about him?’ Lt. Andrea Swisher wrote. “He stated, ‘His mood, his emotions, he wants to quit, and he mentioned suicide several times.’ He went on to state that he left the house with a gun

Vince is claiming otherwise. He says everything is fine. Just your typical ups and downs of the NFL.

The spin is reminiscent of the $25 million dollar job that Terrell Owens PR flak tried to run past us after Terrell's infamous pill popping episode down in Dallas. Terrell depressed? Please.

According to Philadelphia Eagles stud lineman Shawn Andrews, who missed much of this year's training camp due to personal issues related to depression, mental health is much more prevalent than you'd think in the National Football League.

The Big Kid, as Andrews is known in Philadelphia, has managed to avoid the national media's wrath, something Vince Young can't seem to do. Shawn says that many players he's faced this year have offered their thoughts and support and Andrews told reporters on Friday that if Vince Young needs someone to talk to, he's there to listen.

"When we faced the Patriots, those guys were really concerned, and when we played the Jets, a couple of guys were inquiring - told me if I wanted to talk or needed to talk [to contact them]," Andrews said. "A lot of guys, you'd be surprised, are going through what I'm going through and don't admit it. I think guys are sensitive to it. If they haven't been through it, they know somebody who has."

Andrews doesn't know Young and doesn't know what might have happened to the QB, but he does know, he said, how "you can put that mask on," denying that anything is wrong. He said he would never presume to try to contact Young himself, but that if Young knew of Andrews' situation and ever wanted to talk, Andrews would welcome that.

Who knew the NFL was so full of 275 pound teddy bears?

Friday eye opener: Not everyone is buying Vince Young's story [USA Today]
Andrews reaches out to Titans QB Young [Philly Inquirer]

"I'm fine. I'm good," he said. "I just needed a day-and-a half to get through some things and how to handle things, but now I am OK. I was never depressed, I just hurt a little bit. … When it happens again I'll know how to handle it. I just want everyone in the world to know I am fine."

Hard to believe that that's the same Vince Young who has taken us on a Magical Mystery Tour of crazy all week, but hey, if he's better then I'm happy for him.

And I'm sure that those Korean kelp farmers are glad to know he's fine.

On Tuesday Young's mother, Felicia Young, told the Tennessean that the Titans' quarterback had indicated he didn't want to play football anymore because of all the negativity he faced. Young took questions from reporters for 16 minutes after watching his teammates practice on Thursday.

"Football, this is my life. This is my dream. All I did all these years growing up to get to this point and never had an injury like this before in my life," he said. "It's a hard time because I'm a competitor, and I definitely want to be out on the football field with my teammates. ... It was my first time getting booed," Young said. "I didn't know how to handle that."

Fisher, meanwhile, said that Young will have to earn back his starting job. Well, glad that's settled. Now, Vince, if you could just sign this ... Vince? Where'd he go? ...

Vince Young Says He's Not 'Depressed,' Wants To Return To Field [USA Today]

But it could be a lot longer than that. Young reportedly has told his mother and close friends that he wants to quit the game.

Felicia Young said her son has grown weary of all the negativity he faces as an NFL star. On Monday, he indicated to those around him he didn't want to play football any more. "Vince has gone through a whole lot as a young person,'' Felicia Young said. "And I think he has done pretty well up to this point. But it is hard, all he is going through right now. He's hurting inside and out. But he will be fine if people are prayerful and help my baby boy out. He is a young man. He just needs a lot of love and support.''

So apparently, all negotiations for the return of his $51 million signing bonus are going to be handled by his mom, if it comes to that. She's going to call Fisher and let him know that her son is quitting and then she'll have to drive over to the Titans facility and drop off his uniform, stirrups and cleats, kind of like kids do at the end of the season in youth football. But how can Young be weary of football when he reportedly spent Monday night trading autographs in my neighborhood for chicken wings?

Regardless, the Titans are moving on. Even with his injury it's not clear whether Young will play again this season. Which means Kerry “K-Gun” Collins will now be unleashing his 36-year-old cannon on unsuspecting NFL defenses. Ironic, since Collins himself has owned and lost starting roles with the Panthers, Giants and Raiders; at least some of those instances in connection with his fight with alcoholism.

I’m already terrified that Collins is going to decide he doesn’t want the pressure of being a starting NFL quarterback and the Titans will be the first team in NFL history to have two quarterbacks choose not to start for them. Oh, and the Titans have also signed Chris Simms as Collins’ backup. Remember how the Titans thought they were going to be free from drama once Pacman was gone? Yeah, not so much.

Vince Young Hurting Inside And Out, Mother Says [Tennessean]
Simms Takes Backup Role [Tennessean]

“Given the totality of the situation, Coach Fisher was concerned about Young’s emotional well-being. He contacted the police department and expressed to us his concern,’’ Aaron said. “Once he came to Baptist Sports Park and was assessed, it appeared the concerns from earlier in the night were unfounded.’’

The Titans also issued their own statement:

“Last night, we received a call from people that are closest to Vince informing us that he had left his house in a state of mind that had them concerned; and that he was unreachable, having left his cell phone at the house. Not having all the facts available to us and approaching the matter prudently, we contacted Metro Police to make them aware of the situation and asked for their assistance in locating Vince. He was located at a friend’s house, where we made contact with him. He then came to the practice facility where it was determined that those initial concerns by his friends and family were unfounded and he returned home without incident.”

Vince Young's agent has just issued his own comments on the night claiming that Young just went to a friend's house to watch a little Monday Night Football. At least according to Pro Football Talk.

"This is all being blown way out of proportion,” agent Major Adams told the Nashville City Paper. He just went to watch both of the games last night at a friend’s house. I had talked to him. He told me where he was and everything.

“He said he can’t believe he can’t just go and watch a game and people need to know where he is 24 hours a day,” Adams said.

Which means, according to Young's people, he was watching former Vandy quarterback Jay Cutler—a player the Titans passed up over Young—dissect the Oakland Raiders defense. Of course it seems pretty unlikely that if this was all there was to the story that the resulting furor would have arisen.

Speculating on someone's mental state is always freighted with danger. Not least because trained doctors and psychologists often differ after talking to the same individuals. But, clearly, Vince Young is not responding to the pressure of being a starting NFL quarterback very well. But — why? Of all the NFL cities where he could play, Nashville is probably one of the top five most laid back markets. Maybe the most laid-back and least critical in the NFL. There's only one major newspaper (and many educated residents question the use of the term "major" here), reporters are limited, by all accounts even local talk radio is civil and even-tempered. So if Young is feeling overwhelmed in this media market, he should be thankful he's not on either coast.

But where does this leave us? By contacting the police Coach Fisher served notice that he truly believed his quarterback was in such a fragile emotional state that he might do himself harm. Clearly these concerns outweighed any fear, which Fisher surely recognized, that this story would become huge national news once he contacted the police. Any hope, at this point, that Young's refusal to re-enter the game was going to blow over is gone. For better or worse, and it's almost all for the worse, Vince Young's mental health is now more of a concern than his ability to read defenses. Or read at all.

Quarterbacks like to believe that it's external forces: linebackers, critics, coaches, wide receivers, the media that create the greatest obstacles to their success. All too often, as we see now with Vince Young, the greatest foe is often inside.

Police: Titans feared for Young's safety [Tennessean]

Agent says Young was watching football [Pro Football Talk]