* * * * *

It's Monday morning and the pipes on the internet machine are a little cranky, so bear with us. Maybe people from Birmingham will leave me alone now.

I guess that's Ryan Howard getting his pucker-face on, supposedly at some bar in Indiana, where one of our intrepid stalkers whipped out his phone and snapped the Phillies' first baseman off-seasoning. No word on whether RyHo took that woman's arm home that evening. The dude in the back looks like he's ready to boot at any moment. No word on that either. Let's get to a morning round-up

• Mark Ingram, the Crimson Tide's shifty running back, walks away with the Heisman Trophy barely beating White Lightnin' Toby Gerhart from Stanford. Ingram is the first Alabamian to ever win the prestigious award, something that can never, ever be taken away from him. Unless of course he kills his wife and a waiter. /Norm'd. [NYT]

• Should you be involved in some sort of vertebrae-detaching accident at some point in your life and lose the ability to move your arms and legs, you will still be able to hunt. This is a pretty amazing story. Why can't we do more things with breathing tubes? Garage door openers, garbage disposals, dimmers — the possibilities are endless. [Last Angry Fan]

• Jason Bay's days as a Red Sock are numbered. 4 years, $60 mil? Bay scoffs at your stinginess, John Henry. [ESPN]

• Turner Gill finally gets a shot at the big time at the University of Kansas. I hope Mrs. Lubbers doesn't get the bright idea to put shoe polish on Baby Mangino. That would be bad. [Kansas.com]

• Text from friend at La Salle/Kansas game: "We up 17-16!" That is all. [Philly.com]

****

Good morning. It's Sunday. Sit on my lap and tell me what you want for Hannukah.

•

Good morning everybody and welcome to Deadspin, edited by me, Stev D! I hope you brought construction paper and a change of clothes, because things are going to get a little weird today. But before we get to the wackiness and stories about Marley, my lovable (and somewhat disobedient) Golden Retriever, lets do some news.

From Tiger to Octomom, it's all about the fame
As you can tell by the photo, Mitch Albom is evolving at a fantastic rate. He's becoming so advanced, he was able to write a column implying that reality TV is to blame for this Tiger mess while forcing two stranded astronauts to fight to the death in his basement sandpit.

Big 10 Conference to seek 12th member
"We're irrelevant for the last three weeks of the football season because we're not playing," Alvarez said. I am assuming the room then fell into an uncomfortable silence.

Pudge says: I will play every day.
See. The NFL Play 60 thing is working. Jerks.

****

First off, I'd like to thank AJ and the Deadspin team for letting me have this chance. This is something that I've always wanted to do, now all I have left on my list is scuba-skiing the Great Barrier Reef and eating a twice-baked potato (sooooo many carbs!).

Here's how I got here- I became a commenter on Deadspin thanks to a tip I sent Will back in 2006, which lead to this post. Then we had this e-mail exchange:

Will Leitch to me

OK, that was outstanding. THANK you.

Best,
Will

Swoon.

Me to Will

Thanks for running an awesome site. If it wouldn't be too much
trouble could I have commenting access? I am good friends with Awful
Announcing and would do my best to bring the funny.

Thanks,

Steve

"If it wouldn't be too much trouble," Cripes. Also, yeah...I name drop.

Will Leitch to me

Consider it done. Lots of fun with this story yesterday. Invite is on its way ... and thanks!

The End...

And from that day on, I became obsessed with one thing and one thing only...Gettin' those +1's son! Deadspin is the greatest site the Internet ever birthed (not counting sites that sell HDMI cables for $3) so lets get out there and make some LOLs and OMGZ.

Send me tips: tips@deadspin.com

Now who's ready to get going? Who's excited? I AM!!!!! LETTTTTTTTTS GO!!!

•"The Foot ball The 49ers Team has The excitement of the bear, the velocity of the deer and strenght of the buffalo.

"That is reason why the great Football Team in San Francisco is called the "49ers" Them the Baseball Team got is name THE "Giants" because of The big buildings so that is now be teams got their names."

•On a frigid night in Cleveland, the only thing colder are the Steelers' playoff aspirations. A putrid 13-6 loss to a putrid Browns team, and Tunison spent the night feeding the trolls. Go tell him how sorry you are that his team will have to go at least two years between titles.

•Boston pulled out another win. Orlando, not so much. Not to put too much emphasis on one night's result, but if these two teams keep up the paces they set tonight, the Celtics will finish the year 61 games ahead of the Magic. Take that analysis, Hollinger!

•From the tempting fate department, Tony Romo is back as the holder for field goals and extra points. Relax, Cowboys fans, there's very little chance of a blown playoff kick this year. Why? San Diego, New Orleans, Washington and Philadelphia, that's why.

•Chad Ochocino is getting into a war of words again, this time with a mascot. He and Ragnar have been going back and forth ahead of this weekend's Cincy/Minnesota game, and while it's all in fun, being crippled in a Viking battle seems the only logical way for someone like Ochocinco's career to end.

•••••

We've got our last SHOTY nominee going up this afternoon, but don't be surprised to see him pop up in a post or five before that.

•John Wall continues to live up to the hype, scoring 25 in a win over UConn and leading Kentucky to a 9-0 record. Hope he liked playing at Madison Square Garden, because he'll be able to see it across the river from New Jersey next year.

•Promoters have nixed any chance of the Pacquiao-Mayweather fight going down at the New Cowboys Stadium. They didn't want Floyd's ego escaping through the hole in the roof after Manny deflates it.

•On the move to the Rangers: Mike Lowell, Rich Harden, Chris Ray. Among them, they could almost assemble a complete healthy human body.

•Who says the government isn't looking out for us? A House subcommittee passed a bill that would lead to a playoff system in college football. Now if only they make it so you don't have to be a scholarship athlete to afford college.

•Nenad Krstic helped out some local families with $1000 shopping sprees at Target. Which is ironic, because with his .750 FT percentage, I can't believe he found the Target.

•••••

Congrats to Stuart Schweigert on his first win in a few years, across multiple sports. It's Thursday: prepare your anus.

•Bobby Bowden says he won't do any fundraising for Florida State after he retires. He'll be living the dream of many of his players, who want to cut the cord with FSU, but can't seem to graduate.

•Commercials featuring Tiger Woods haven't appeared in prime time since Nov. 29. Which doesn't sound right, because I swear every time I turn on my TV, there he is.

•Three-way trades! Don't you love them? The Yankees get the big name in Curtis Granderson, but the Tigers are the big winners with a can't-miss OF prospect, two young starters and a bullpen lefty. The Diamondbacks, true to form, get shat on.

•Danica Patrick will run a limited schedule on NASCAR's Nationwide Series. It'll likely be the first time feminine hygiene products sponsor a car since Jeff Gordon's.

•The Celtics won their 8th straight, pulling away from Milwaukee. Orlando kept pace, meaning the two are tied at 17-4 — and ten teams are under .500. Much like basketball games don't matter until 5 minutes left in the fourth, I'll just turn on the TV in time for the conference finals.

•••••

Happy Wednesday. Go make some instant coffee.

This particular money shot belongs to Emily Brydon, who, in her 13th and final season, finally made the podium (2nd place) in her native Canada at the Lake Louise Women's World Cup Downhill race. Bully for her.

But I suspect the champagne toasts we'll be talking about today belong to the coaches of undefeated teams: Mack Brown and Nick Saban. And Brian Kelly, and Gary Patterson, and Chris Petersen. Oh, don't you worry. We'll get to that soon.

Better Late Than Never For Brydon In Canada [Toronto Star]

•••••

Thanks to the Young Manhattanite crew for running the place yesterday. Now why does it smell like Michelob and media circlejerk, and why do all the Facebook commenters have stars? What the hell happened?

Brook Lopez had 31 points; Courtney Lee had 27. Newark Star-Ledger columnist Dave D'Allesandro called the Nets' triumph the end of "our national nightmare," which one hopes isn't some sneaky sign that the Garden State is about to start a sports-related secession movement. Anyway. The people manning Deadspin's reins on this fine Saturday, which has been dubbed No Tiger Saturday by forces beyond our control, are the people behind hieroglyphic-inspired Young Manhattanite. We will attempt to deliver you timely but most likely outdated sports content in the fashion of Larry King's USA Today column. We'll skip the credentials, you won't care anyway, but do know we are not New York-centric assholes. Hailing from the proud lands of Maryland, New Jersey, the State of Long Island, Ohio and Las Vegas, you'll see we're Real America Assholes. One of us is paying off a four-year-old debt to Deadspin editor AJ Daulerio and that's why we're here. We won't convince you otherwise.


Please send all tips to the tip tagline. And in order to provide at least a little continuity, here's another video from Faith No More. It's thematically appropriate and everything!

Faith No More - A Small Victory [Dailymotion]
[Photo: AP]

•Many players were reportedly laughing as they left a team meeting where they were told of Mark Mangino's resignation. Perhaps they had also been sent this photo of an unknown flyer with a familiar waistline and hairline. (Thanks to Dr. Mongoose for the pic. Update)

•In other, more successful college football news, Oregon is heading to the Rose Bowl for the first time since 1995, where they'll face Ohio State. The automatic bid system seems like a good idea until you get a matchup of two fairly decent teams emerging from horrible conferences.

•Days after a sliding clinic with Joe Girardi, Mark Sanchez injures his knee while sliding. It doesn't matter, because the Bills and the Bills, and the Jets keep their playoff hopes alive. Thankfully, the media's collective knees are fine, so they'll be able to cover Sanchez's poise with their customary reverence.

•The revolving doors at third in Philly and short in Boston bring in their newest warm bodies; Placido Polanco to the Phillies and Marco Scutaro to the Red Sox. We're one Orlando Cabrera short of a Three Tenors of Utility Infielders.

•A day after signing Billy Wagner, the Braves add Takashi Saito. I like it. You want to recreate Atlanta's dominant pitching of the turn of the century? Sign guys who were at their most effective back then.

•Albert Pujols launched a center for adults with Down syndrome. At this point, he's the only unimpeachable athlete we have left. I will now ignore media coverage for the next ten years to preserve this image of him.

•••••

Friday. Rock.

•On the strength of Illinois rallying to top Clemson, Ohio State knocking off FSU, and of course, Wisconsin toppling Duke, the Big Ten took the Big Ten/ACC Challenge for the first time in its 11-year history. Does this mean the Big Ten is tops in the nation? Don't count out the MAC, because Toledo put quite a hurting on non-NCAA, not-even-NAIA Rochester College.

•The Blackhawks will announce today that they've signed Patrick Kane, Jonathan Toews and Duncan Keith to long term deals. So their core of young stars will remain intact well into the next decade. Plus, you know, Marian Hossa until 2021.

•The NFL released new concussion guidelines, preventing players from returning to action if they show signs of a concussion. It's not like the rough-and-tumble old days, when a player had to be literally unconscious before they would be given the day off. Oh wait; that was the rule up until yesterday.

•Because everything in soccer has to take for-fucking-ever, FIFA yesterday announced the procedures for the World Cup draw to be held on Friday. Hard to figure out what it means, but people who know say it's not good news for the U.S. Also, the fact that it's soccer, not good news for the U.S.

•Juan Marichal and the family of Johnny Roseboro will attend the opening of a play based upon the former's famous beating of the latter with a bat. The two became good friends, so there's still hope for Mike Piazza's one-man show about his bat-throwing nemesis, "Roger & Me: The Musical!"

•••••

I've got nothing pithy to say. I'm a broken man. Don't ask me to liveblog a Nets game ever again.

•The teams look a little different, but the result was the same; UNC topped Michigan State in a rematch of the national championship. Yes, I know a game this early in the season means nothing, and yes, I know every team remotely worth a damn will have their chance in three months, but god damn, basketball's system is so much better than the BCS.

•Perhaps wary that their top secret disciplinary rules have been leaked, the NHL suspends Alexander Ovechkin two games for his knee-on-knee hit.

•Pacquiao-Mayweather will go down in either Vegas, New Orleans or at the new Cowboys Stadium, and will happen as early as March 13, in order to get it in before Pacquiao runs for Congress in the Philippines. Forget the titles in seven weight classes; Manny is going for wins in the two most corrupt professions on earth!

•Roy Halladay says trade him this offseason, or he won't approve any deals. So let's see: get a couple ML-ready young stars now, or have a season of Doc and only a couple compensatory draft picks in return. I wonder which the Blue Jays will choose? (Note: this is only a sarcastic question because J.P. Ricciardi is no longer in charge).

•In a matchup against his old team, Mike D'Antoni's Knicks lost to the Suns despite apparently scoring more points in a 48-minute span. I don't care what the box score says; the Knicks can't have beaten Phoenix by 27. This has to be a misprint, and I'm not going to be like that "Dewey Defeats Truman" paper.

•••••

Today's a big day for Sportshumans the world over: the 2009 SHOTY tourney begins a little later on. Vote or die.

It was a heart-breaker for Saskatchewan, who blew at 16-point fourth quarter lead, then got called for a penalty when Montreal missed the game-winning field goal as time expired. Too many men on the field. GAhahhh! They moved the spot 10 yards closer—Canadian yards, even!—and the Alouettes won the Cup in the most dramatic fashion possible. That one will sting.

Of course, as you are well aware, Montreal is the Buffalo of Canadian football—having lost four of the last seven Grey Cup finals—so you have to feel good for them. If you're a fan of Regina, however, I suppose you're just going to have make do with booze and porn. Just like every other weekend.

CFL.ca - Official Site of the Canadian Football League [CFL]
[Picture via the fine folks at Kurtenblog]

* * * * *

Hope you enjoyed the long holiday weekend. Mine was ... what's the opposite of rejuvenating? I now need a vacation from my holidays.

Remember last year, when Chad Ochocinco lined up outside a Kentucky Best Buy on Black Friday to land his copy of Rock Band 2? He was at it again this year, hitting a Best Buy, a furniture store, and a dollar store (which probably can't mark prices down that much, even on the day after Thanksgiving).

Ochocinco's rich. He could hire someone to go to the store at 2:30 in the morning, which is when this shot was taken. But then he never would have discovered the wonders of the Snuggie for himself. Yes, the Snuggie, the wearable blanket beloved by Midwestern housewives and Brooklyn hipsters alive.

And if you're worried about him losing sleep shopping in advance of today's intra-Ohio showdown, don't be: there's no one on the Browns who can cover him as well as the Snuggie can.

Look At This Snuggie, Only $5.00 [Twitpic]

•••••

It's Sunday. I'll have your athlete dong for you momentarily.

Hoo boy. Tiger Woods, huh? Crazy shit, man.

It looks like the fine writers of this here site have been on top of this story since it broke, and we will do our very best to keep you apprised of any developments as the day progresses, and I'm willing to bet it's only going to get weirder from here. One thing we need to do is come up with a clever nickname for it. Tigergate? Woodsrophenia? Well, neither of those are any good, but it's early yet.

But seriously, Tiger Woods in this kind of mess? Mind blowing stuff.

Tiger crashes, rubber-necking just beginning [The Associated Press]

As you can probably imagine, Stephen A. Smith is partially responsible for this double dealing on ESPN's website. (They still haven't changed it, btw.) He was the first to publish the report that Iverson would retire after his attempt to sign with the Knicks fell through. A report that no one wants to believe. Even SAS admits that Iverson doesn't really want to quit, and John Thompson says he won't allow it to happen, and sooner or later someone is going to need a point guard, so really ... he's not retired.

But he still could be! So until then ... dual contradicting headlines will do just fine. Now who needs another turkey sandwich?

Report: Allen Iverson planning to retire from the NBA [ESPN - thanks JB!]

* * * * *

If you're at work today, I'm sorry about that. I really have no idea what's going on here, but we'll be posting some stuff about something until we aren't anymore. Stick around or don't, but withdrawal in disgust is not the same as apathy.

•Dear Texans fans: What the fuck? It would be wrong to paint an entire fanbase with the same brush as the twisted mind who created this...companion, but, yeah, that's pretty much what I'm gonna do.

•A real, practicing judge took the time to rule the Happy Gilmore running swing illegal in the province of Nova Scotia. This is what happens when your court system isn't clogged up with frivolous lawsuits and Guantanamo detainees.

•The talented QB who's unjustly hated because of the snobby team he plays for is likely to be under center this weekend, despite his head injuries. Roethlisberger or Clausen?

•Abe Pollin, the longest tenured owner in the NBA, died yesterday at 85. The Wizards honored his memory with a 1-point win over a 4-9 team.

•Despite a win, Liverpool don't make the Champions League round of 16. This was news to me, as I was under the impression that the soccer season finished Sunday night in Seattle.

•The official douchebag bar of the Upper East Side (Mad River, for those in the know) apparently doubles as a Wisconsin Badger bar, and they could face charges for selling a Wisconsin beer that's not licensed to be sold out of state. Also not licensed to be in NYC: college football.

•••••

Your regular hosts will be with you shortly. Don't forget to starve yourself today.

What's with you people and crudely drawn, superimposed penii on your football broadcasts? Within minutes of this little number popping up during last night's Ole Miss/LSU Klan Bowl, three separate readers all felt the urge to rewind their DVR, photograph it, and send it in, all within a ten-minute span of each other. (Props to reader Zan for being first by 90 seconds, and for giving his e-mail the subject line "PEN 15."

Something so geometrically simple is bound to emerge, especially to a brain that millions of years of evolution has conditioned to seek pattens. Of course the analyst is going to circle a player or players who did something notable; there's your ballsack. And of course the analyst is going to draw a horizontal line indicating where that player moves to. Add a second, parallel line to show him doubling back, or even just for emphasis, and there's your shaft.

What is it about telestrator dongs that so speaks to the human, or at least male, spirit? Is it the combination of our most testosterone-infused sport with our most testosterone-influenced organ? Perhaps it's a desire to reconnect with our boyhoods, now so remote in our memories, when an inadvertant sexually-charged reference in an inappropriate setting would never fail to elicit titters. Or maybe it's just that legions of comedians are correct when they say that we think with our penis.

One thing's for certain; telestrator dong will never stop being funny.

•••••

Another Sunday spent with you, my Internet friends. Buy some chips and salsa, put the beer on ice, and let's be on the lookout for vaguely penis-shaped drawings atop our football players.

• Giants LB Antonio Pierce is out indefinitely with the dreaded "bulging disk" in his neck. "I had no idea that what happened a few weeks ago could keep me off the field. I didn't think it was that serious. [ESPN]

• The Mike Florio/PFT Story as told to the NYT: "We've created a monster," he said, "and we have to keep feeding it." [NYT]

• White Sox closer Bobby Jenks doesn't see why his fatness matters. [Chicago Sun-Times]

• Mighty Mite, Mike Lupica says the Knicks are being disrespectful to their fans by not signing Allen Iverson. [The Sports Hernia]

****

Good morning. It's Saturday, so let's paint this blog. Rock out with your smocks out.

Screengrab: H/T Reader mjsah

•Three TDs for Ricky Williams? I'd say this is the start of an epic inspirational story in Miami. You know, if the Dolphins weren't 5-5 and going nowhere.

•Keep talking, Mangino. It'll only make things better to say you're giving these kids the parenting their real parents failed at. Maybe, if that parenting includes emotional, verbal and physical abuse, plus eating the entire Thanksgiving dinner before the kids even get a bite.

•Obviously we'll need a few years for perspective, but the Hand of Gaul already places number three on this list of the top ten handballs of all time. Unsurprisingly, Braylon Edwards is nowhere to be found on the list. (Also, it's soccer. I know. Shut up.)

•In more serious soccer news, an English Sunday league player received a yellow card for farting in the referee's face. Had it been another player, he would have gone down like he'd been shot.

•Curtis Granderson is shopping what sounds like the most boring reality show of all time, in which he'd take viewers on tours of stadiums. The "let's explore Comerica Park's outfield" show is a 5-parter.

•Shaq is going to curate an art show. Is there anything the man can't do? Besides play basketball anymore...

•Finally, Georgia's beloved bulldog passed away suddenly at the age of four from heart disease. I'm filing that sentence away in case we need to use it for Baby Mangino.

•••••

Good morning, and TGIFF. Try not to work too hard.

•Today sees the Mirror Lake Jump, an Ohio State tradition for Michigan Week. Some science students tested the lake before and after the student body had its way, and found a temperature and ammonia spike. That's right, lots of warm pee. "Have fun, but don't open your mouth" said one postdoc. That's also really good advice for any party at a Big Ten school.

•Jim Tracy and Mike Scioscia win the Manager Of The Year awards for making playoff appearances with, respectively, a scrappy band of kids who no one expected to do anything, and a high-payroll group of veterans and free agents who were predicted to win their division going away. Huh.

•Ronnie Brown is done for the year with a foot fracture, and this is bad. How bad? Ricky Williams is the undisputed number one back. And even worse, Chad Henne has to take the snap on every play.

•Speaking of criminally ineffective quarterbacks, Bruce Gradkowski and Ryan Fitzpatrick have taken over the starting jobs for the Raiders and Bills. Not to twist the knife, but 15 years ago a Raiders/Bills matchup would have featured Jeff Hostetler and Jim Kelly. But, like I said, not to twist the knife.

•As of this moment, the Yankees have won as many games in November than the Giants, Jets, Knicks and Nets combined. That won't be the case next year, though. Not because any of those teams will be better, but because Bud Selig says he'll shorten the playoff schedule.

•••••

We're just a few hours away from the announcement of one of the Cardinals winning the Cy Young award, Leitch Twittering about how happy he is for them, and Craggs writing a column on why Lincecum should have won. Like the changing of the seasons, those guys.