Dan Steinberg has the heartbreaking tale of these wayward souls who had to go to the Georgia Dome of all places, just to tell Dan Snyder that he sucks. A worthy goal indeed, but it's hell on your car tires. This whole situation would be much funnier if I wasn't also a Lions fan. You saw how hard it was to get rid of Matt Millen and he didn't even own stock.

Stay strong, fellas.

Burgundy Revolution travels to Atlanta [D.C. Sports Bog]

* * * * *

Broncos and Steelers are the Monday Night game and the ESPN ticker just seriously said: "OUT: Ryan Clark (sickle cell trait)" so you know it will be a weird night. Anyway, thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Hey, look ... it's Neidermeyer.

We know about the Redskins soap opera that has riveted everyone in the D.C. era, except Dan Snyder. Fan are upset. Security at FedEx field is upset because they now how have discipline the upset fans even though they'd rather just stand still and do nothing and that just makes everyone even more grumpy. Now some genius has found the solution to banned signs—a sign of humanity where folks in the upper deck can spell out "Fire Snyder" simply by wearing the right color t-shirt. If they can decode this seating chart first. I don't see how this possibly fails.

They aren't alone however. Browns fans are actually fighting with each other over the best way to voice their displeasure with the team's "rebuilding" process. A group of "Dawg Pound" residents are planning to arrive late to the Monday night game against the Ravens in two weeks, which will surely hurt Phil Dawson's feelings. Meanwhile other Cleveland fans counter with the ridiculous argument that you can't reverse a decade of failure in 7 games. This is not the time to be calm and rational, folks.

But it's not just NFL fans who are pumping up the emo music. Some Colorado students are urging everyone to wear powder blue to Folsom Field on Saturday in honor of one of the worst eras—and uniform choices—in Buffaloes history. Although, I'm not sure why they need the reminder when everyone is well aware that this current team is awful. This "statement" will surely rock academia to its foundations and possibly make CU administrators cancel the football program altogether. It's the only way to be sure.

And of course, Louisville's quixotic quest to humiliate head football coach Steve Kragthrope silently marches on. Shame is not a weapon when your opponent has none.

Or if football isn't your game, maybe write a strongly worded letter to the NBA reminding them that one of their oldest and least successful owners is also a racist jackass. Why should football fans have all the fun?

A FedEx Field Sign Snyder Can't Ban [Fire Snyder Sign, via FamousDC]
Browns Fans' Stand Against Dawg Pound Mike's Nov. 16 Protest [Cleveland Frowns]
Browns fans: Don't protest [Read and React]
Fed-up CU Buffs fans plan powder-blue protest at Folsom [Colorado Daily]
Bag Krag [Bag Krag]
Sterling suit seems to fit NBA just fine [Yahoo]

•It's supposed to count for nothing, but no. 25 Syracuse lost to the Division II Le Moyne Dolphins, and I'd be shocked if voters don't take this into account the next time they do the polls. While the Orange haven't lost to a DII school in modern history, they did lose to Drexel two years ago, which might be worse.

•The brief Edgerrin James era in Seattle has mercifully come to an end. I was going to lead with this story, but I honestly don't think he's touched the ball enough to be photographed in a Seahawks uniform.

•Dave Bing easily won four more years as mayor of Detroit. Though "won" might not be the right word.

•Dan Snyder apologized to fans for the Redskins' terrible season. He had also planned to erect signs around the city to the same effect, but those were unfortunately confiscated.

•The NBA is down to three undefeated teams: the Celtics, Suns and Nuggets, while the Nets, Pacers and Warriors remain winless. Now I know early success isn't necessarily indicative of future performance, but I'm gonna say, yeah, this is pretty much how things are going to go.

•Clippers owner Donald Sterling paid $2.7 million to settle a housing discrimination lawsuit. He had originally offered Marcus Camby's expiring contract to help the victimized homeowners get under the salary cap, but that was rejected.

•Via Outside The Boxscore, we have a creative ad from a San Diego bail bonds company, noting the Raiders were in town:

The story's a couple of weeks old, but we'd be remiss in not lauding Washington's City Paper for their investigative work on such an important topic. We'd also be remiss in not piling on Skins fans.

And besides, the bootleg "Stephette Hogette" is still on the lam.

It started when the Hogette's released a statement on various message boards, most likely through their PR Hogette:

It has come to our attention that an individual is representing himself to be a Hogette. Please be aware that 'HOGETTES' is a Registered Trademark and the Hogette likeness is COPYWRITED. He is currently in violation of both federal and state statutes.

Ignore the wonderful typo. If they've got it trademarked, then goddamnit, fake Hogette is breaking laws. This isn't fun and games, people. And it gets worse, says one blogger:

It is not that he is just dressing like them, claiming to be one of them etc," Huly wrote, "but that he is harming fans under their name. He is dangerous to women and possibly children."

Stephette Hogette, Huly said, "tries to give young women tickets to attend a game with him and [what] I have heard from other fans is he tries to inappropriately touch women and makes sexual advances and inappropriate comments."

Pretty damning stuff, but City Paper does its duty and tracks down Stephette — real name Steve Rasnikov from Brooklyn, NY — to give him a chance to respond.

This is war now," Rasnikov says. "I used to respect those guys. I sat with them in the Pigpen at games. They accepted me. But then they started hanging out with Bird Man [an Eagles mascot]. This shows how corporate those guys have gotten. They don't like that Stephette Hogette is getting attention. I'm going to tailgates, they're nowhere to be found. Stephette is a Hogette for the people, like Jesus.

But with a snout, panties, and a BAC of 0.19%

Bogus Hogette Declares War on Real Hogettes! [City Paper]

Steinberg's post is a doozy. It's less a collection of discarded signage than a multicount indictment against Snyder and his increasingly paranoid stewardship of the Redskins:

Now I've feigned a lot of outrage in recent days, outrage over the offensive line, and the GM, and the draft, and whatever else. I mean, that stuff is annoying, but I can live with it. It's still sports. It's still a game. It's still part of the general arc of entertainment provided by large men running around in tights. This, though, ruined it all for me. Now it's no longer a game. Now it's just sad, and unpleasant, and ugly.

Read the whole thing. There is nothing more damning than the words of the poor fan in the 100 level, holding a sign that reads, "Dan, Why Do We Have to Sneak This Sign In?" Redskins fans are now so disillusioned they've gone meta.

Redskins ban signs at FedEx Field [D.C. Sports Bog]

* * * * *

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. A reminder: Please send us your FAILgate stories: tips@deadspin.com. Our supply is running perilously low. Barry Petchesky is here tonight. And tomorrow, expect more ESPN horndoggery. Whoopee.

When you think football, you think beer. And when you think Redskins football, you think of the crapper. So this seems like a match made in heaven.

But it seems a little pushy, and more than a little icky, for beer vendors to be plying their trade to fans waiting on line to use the restrooms, and for those leaving the urinals. And it's not a new thing: one hero on a Skins message board has made it his personal quest to chronicle this practice, and he's found it two years in a row:

It's hard to fault this as a business practice, though. If you're a bathroom, selling beer is a great way to guarantee repeat business.

Breaking News: Fans Say Redskins Selling Beer in FedExField Bathrooms! [Washington City Paper]

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers were just what the doctor ordered for the Washington Redskins and this poor fan (click to enlarge) who could not only not afford a proper grocery bag, but was reduced to threatening suicide to spur his terrible team to victory. I believe that's called "auto-neurotic asphyxiation."

The Skins won and I assume this gentleman is still alive. Unfortunately, he's still a Redskins fan and there's no cure for that.

* * * * *

P.S. It was either this photo or the LSU lineman throwing up. So you're welcome.

That's Monday morning for you. Time to spread some fear.

For instance, here's CSN Washington's Chick Hernandez outside of godforsaken FedEx Field earlier today (via @dcsportsbog).

In other DC football news, Chris Horton's official website responded to the player's benching with some harsh words for his fellow Redskins. No other team in the NFL has had more social media problems. Also, they aren't very good at scoring touchdowns.

Obviously I'm watching Redskins vs. Buccaneers (they're already booing at the 13:47 mark in the first quarter), and shaving months off of my life in the process. I'll save my venting for Twitter.

There are seven other 1 pm games, and I'm sure they're all going to be a lot more fun. I suggest watching them, and talking about them in the comment section.

In any other season, this is just two less than mediocre teams playing out the string. (Yes, in Week 3.) But the Lions did not have a horrific collapse this time. Their quarterback was competent and—dare I say it?—poised. (But Matt ... please don't stick your tongue out like that again. Ever.) Their defense managed a couple of decent stops. Tackles were made, passes were not dropped and Detroit is 1-2. Huzzah!

I don't think anyone in Detroit believes that this "changes everything." This team is still a long way from being decent. This is not the start of a meteoric rise to a Super Bowl dynasty. There will be many more setbacks before the year is out. (And William Clay Ford is not suddenly redeemed. Or "classy".) But for the first time in the two years, the Lions and their fans can be the ones to say, "At least we're not those guys." (The Redskins are doing some serious soul searching today and probably aren't finding much to look at.)

The moral of the story, as always, is don't invite Tom Cruise to hang out on your sideline before the game. It only makes your mission more impossibler.

Mitch Albom: Blacked out, knocked down … Lions arise! [Detroit Free Press]
Detroit revels in rare chance to rejoice [Washington Times]
Lions finally get 'King Kong' off their back [Dan Wetzel]
Detroit Lions Get First Win Since 2007! [Sports Climax]
Washington Football: The Ultimate Story Line Victims [Stet Sports]
Game's On. Will Tom Cruise Jinx it? [NBC Washington]
[Photo via Detroit Free Press]

* * * * *

Here are some other big winners, who did not win quite as big:

Tim Tebow: Is there any way "The Immaculate Headache" doesn't increase his legend tenfold? The man cured swine flu! [TimTeblog]

Iowa Hawkeyes: Actually, they win any weekend where the schedule reads "Penn State." It's required by the Patriot Act. [Black Heart Gold Pants]

Kevin Kolb: First quarterback in NFL history to throw for 300+ yards in each of his first two career starts. Why don't you write a press release about that, PETA? [Sporting News]

BCS Haters: Boise State is now ranked fifth in both polls. Paging LeGarrette Blount! [USA Today]

Phil Mickelson: In your face, cancer. [Telegraph]

Yes, the Robert Henson, the reserve rookie linebacker who has not played a down in the NFL. (That's his highlight reel above. He's on the right.) After the game on Sunday, he chastised his 1,200 Twitter followers saying:

"All you fake half hearted Skins fan can . . . I won't go there, but I dislike you very strongly, don't come to Fed Ex to boo dim wits!!"

Strong dislike! Meow! He Tweeted 52 times on Sunday night, most of them arguments (and then apologies) with other Twitter users over who is good and loyal fan and who is a poopyhead. I'm guessing most of the responses were something along the line of "Who the hell are you?" Among Henson's follow ups:

"No I didn't play but I still made more than you in a year and you'd [gladly] switch spots with me in a second. I was talking to the fans [who] said the crazy stuff, I'm use [to heckling] but I've never been booed in my own stadium. Again that was for the half hearted but if everyone wants to jump in come on. The question is who are you to say you know what's best for the team and you work 9 to 5 at Mcdonalds [sic].

The key difference between Henson and those 9-to-5ers, obviously, is that they actually work for their money. One Redskin veteran who was asked about the situation didn't even know if Henson was on the roster. Henson apologized and then shut down his Twitter page, so none of us will ever have to think about this again. The end.

Washington Redskins Linebacker Robert Henson Hears It From Fans After Venting on Twitter [Steinberg]

This is Pat Hill. She's had season tickets since the early 1960s. Her daughter used to dance for the Redskins. She's a 73-year-old real estate dealer who lives on $400 a month in social security, because no one in this country has enough money to buy a house. In 2007, she signed a 10-year, $5,300-a-year contract to purchase two premium seats at FedEx Field and when she kindly asked for a couple of years off to get back on her feet, the team sued her into oblivion.

Hill's is just one of many sob stories featured in this series about the dastardly Washington ticket office—that I am no fan of—but when you read the tales of woe, they get slightly less sympathetic. Some of those who were sued admitted that they barely read the contract they signed. One who says he was "cheated," actually got exactly what he was looking for through negotiation. One lawyer complained that they sued his client after he was declared schizophrenic, but the next sentence conveniently mentions that the Redskins abandoned the lawsuit. Same thing for the guy who was in jail for embezzlement. (The Nationals actually gave that dude free tickets.) Most had full judgments rendered against them because they never showed up for trial.

Hill didn't respond to her lawsuit because she "doesn't believe in bankruptcy." (Seriously.) However, the tale of her Redskins "choo-choo" train that she had to sell is very sad indeed. Daniel Snyder haters are likely boiling over with rage at this point, but the Redskins say they do everything they can to work out payments plans and in any case, they gots to get paid.

Washington Redskins React to Fans' Tough Luck With Tough Love [Washington Post]
Daniel Snyder and the Economics of Fan Stupidity [Stet Sports Blog]
Previously: Redskins Cut Out Middle Man, Sell Directly To Scalpers

The Washington Post has a nifty report about the relationship between the Washington football team and ticket brokers who resell their tickets on the "secondary market," usually for more than face value. Like me, you probably assumed that brokers mined season ticket holders and VIPs for loose tickets they can flip for a profit. They do that too, but in the case of the Redskins they have also been allowed to buy huge blocks of tickets, often in package deals that give them direct, worry-free access to some of the best seats in the house.

The Redskins claim it was rouge employees in the ticket office who signed contracts with the brokers and they have been "dealt with." But listening to the brokers themselves, this is not seem usual or untoward. One broker last year bought 217 season tickets, plus 2,000 individual game tickets as part of package in which the company agreed to take a block of premium seats—which the team can't sell—in exchange for a huge block of regular tickets that the broker can make a healthy profit on. (If they can sell the premium tickets too, even better.) And they are not the only company allowed to do so.

The team also routinely sells single-game tickets directly on StubHub, instead of their own channels, even using fake accounts that belong to ticket office employees. A team spokesman says they "try" to sell them at face value, but sometimes people just want to pay more. Oops!

What's worse, the team has been suing fans who bought premium seats or luxury suites in multi-year contracts and now find that they can no longer afford them. In some cases, they won judgments or settlements against the fans for trying to back out, and then resold the tickets anyway. Unfortunately, they can't add those double wins to their record.

But don't worry, loyal fans. They're doing it for you! The scal... sorry, "broker" explains.

"It really is very hard to get single-game tickets from the Redskins, especially for a game like Pittsburgh," Greenberg said. "So the only way you could get tickets to that game if we, the secondary market, didn't exist, would be if you bought whole-season tickets. But if you only wanted to go to one game, why shouldn't you be able pay whatever its worth?"

See? If he hadn't created scarcity by buying up all the tickets, then you wouldn't be able to use the awesome secondary market that he and his friends artificially created. Duh! Oh, and naturally the NFL has no opinion on the matter because they're too busy suing Delaware. Tell me again why we enjoy getting ripped off so much?

Selling to Brokers, Suing Fans [Washington Post, photo: via]
Previous: Options Market Gives Sports Teams An Exciting New Way To Rip You Off

1. Because I have to live in this fucking town. I've lived in the greater DC area for nearly five years now. I live here due a mutual decision with my spouse that really wasn't all that mutual. Regardless, believe me when I tell you that Washington fucking BLOWS. Three quarters of the District of Columbia is a Third World shithole. There are sections of Southeast where you will drive and notice that the streets like things like stoplights, and WALK signals, and other basic necessities of urban infrastructure are glaringly absent, as if city planners just said, "Fuck it. We don't need stop signs for THOSE people." The one decent part of the city, Northwest, is populated exclusively with douchebag lawyers, or douchebags who work on Capitol Hill. All of them wear Madras shorts with blazers in the summer, and all of them deserve to taste your fucking fury. Read this article, and I swear you'll never want to come within three hundred miles of this area.

The one fashionable area of town, Adams Morgan, is like New York's East Village if it were two blocks long, populated with high schoolers, and designed by the Disney Corporation. There is NOWHERE to fucking park in this town, anywhere. If you want to go to a restaurant in DC, you better be prepared to look for a spot for 45 fucking minutes. Thirty minutes into looking for a spot, you will tell your wife, "Fuck this, let's order pizza." Then she'll get mad at you for getting mad about trying to find a spot. Then you'll say to her, "Well, YOU FUCKING LOOK FOR THE SPOT THEN, TOOTS." Then she'll switch seats with you and luck into a spot five minutes later, all part of God's plan to make you look like a prick.

DC is also home to The Beltway, Tyson's Corner, and Rockville Pike. That's three of the most agonizing places to drive in the United States, all clustered in one big shit brownie. That doesn't even include driving in downtown DC, where every major thoroughfare is blocked by a rotary, road work, or small square park every 1,000 yards. The bagels in this town are dogshit.

And it's fucking humid here. They built this goddamn town on a swamp, which is exactly what springs up in your ass for five months out of the year. September here is August. Bugs are everywhere. Real estate prices are out of hand. Joe Theismann pops up on radio ads here from time to time. This town is ASS. It's lameness made tangible.

However, the Vietnamese food in Falls Church is quite good. So there's that.

2. Because I have to live around these fucking fans. Redskins fans are nothing if not passionate. But that passion comes with a side helping of obnoxiousness so brutal that you'll wish you had giant hands the size of Dave Grohl's in the "Everlong" video, so that you can choke them all. Peep the DTC if you don't believe me. As I've said before, the Redskins fanbase consists of a million little Dan Snyders, all of whom think the team is constantly on the cusp of returning to gloree (We signed Heensworth, Cooch!), treating every win like some kind of historic fucking milestone, and treating every loss as an opportunity to call into talk radio stations to give the team a pep talk it will never fucking hear. Gloria fucking Swanson doesn't live in the past as much as these people do.

3. Because I went to that fucking stadium once. Hey, you! Like white trash who are piss drunk and can't handle their mud? Like having seats in the stadium crawlspace? Like having your view obstructed by gigantic overhangs? Like walking thirty miles to get to your car? I've got the stadium for you. Given the prices they charge, every seat FedEx Field should have a giant plastic dildo sticking out of it.

4. Because I fucking hate Dock Walker.

5. Because if it weren't for Sunday Ticket, I'd have to watch them. And this season, that would be tantamount to slow death. The Skins could be a 10-win team this year, but that doesn't mean they're going to be any fun to watch. Get ready for a whole lot of 9-6 ballgames, DC. Because you deserve a team as thoroughly dull and uninteresting as your shit town. Die.

It seems that uniform mishaps are not just the provenance of Washington's baseball team. It's more of a citywide infrastructure problem. Although, if it creates a more inspiring personal tale that leads to playing the Super Bowl in Ladell Betts' hometown (he's from Kansas City) I'm sure the fans are all for it.

Only three more preseason games to sort it all out. Go teaim! Oh, I guess there is an I in there! How about that?

[Nationals Enquirer/DC Sports Bog]

* * * * *

Here comes Friday. Let's make it smooth.

Thankfully, Portis returned to his natural hair color, but why did he make the switch in the first place?:

"I just felt like doing something different. You know, I think even with that, from what I hear, now I'm gay? I don't think there's a woman in the United States of America that would say I'm gay. So, you know, I don't hang around men, I don't live a private life, there's constantly people around me. You know, I did it because that was something that I felt like doing. At the moment it was like, 'Ohhh, I want to do something weird and different,' and that's what I did, I dyed my hair blond. You know, it wasn't an attention seeker. I actually was out of the country, I left the country after I did it, so I wasn't even over here once I did it. So it was just an experiment."

So just in case people questioned Portis' sexuality after his whimsical hair experiment, there is absolutely nothing to worry about. The entire U.S. female population can attest to that fact, apparently.

Clinton Portis Explains His Blond 'Do [DC Sports Bog] (via Mister Irrelevant)

An excellent article in the Washington City Paper last week took a look at this vaunted list and the legend surrounding it—how it started with a few thousand fans turned away in the 1970s, then grew to 10,000, then 50,000, then 100,000, even after building the larger and fancier Jack Kent Cooke Stadium. In 2006, owner Dan Snyder pegged the number at over 200,000 names. (Probably because they keep begging people to join it even though they theoretically have no hope of ever moving to the top within their lifetime.) It's also a list that has no apparent order or rules as anyone with enough money and the right strings to pull can skip the whole charade anyway. Washington Bullets/Wizards superfan Robin Ficker once sued the team over the unfairness of the list and eventually got his two seats after almost 20 years of waiting.

But if the line for the exclusive club is so damn long, why is Washington sending direct mail offers of up to eight season tickets each to people who aren't even on the list? You even get a $25 dollar gift card when you send in your deposit. If so many people are so eager to buy them up, why even put on a sales job at all? Does the list even exist or did everyone on it suddenly die of swine flu?

At least the Redskins did identify the most attractive feature of the tickets—you never have to use them!

"Resell your tickets at a profit via StubHub for any game you are unable to attend!"

Unable or unwilling? (Ficker gave his tickets up this year.)

Wait Service +
Redskins Waiting List Totally Gone to Hell? Are Blackouts Coming to a TV Near You? [Washington City Paper]
All Hail Redskins Super Fan Superskin [Stet Sports]
[Pic via]