When last we saw them: Finished 43-39, second in the Southeast Division and fifth overall in the East. Suffered what is becoming their annual "Elimination by the Cleveland Cavaliers" in the first round of the playoffs.

Can't feel their faces: Dee Brown, JaVale McGee, Juan Dixon

Can feel his face: Roger Mason

The Good: The Wizards generate some of the best player nicknames in the league: Agent Zero, the Black President, Hibachi, Tough Juice, Ocho, the Locksmith, Mister 50, Big Oily, the Poet, the City, Bean Burrito, The White Hole, Gypsy Number 9...why, they've even nicknamed their A and B teams (Big Money and Little Money). They spent a gajillion dollars over the summer to retain two parts of their three-man core. And since it's unlikely other teams would trade for the gajillion-dollar contracts of Agent Zero Knee Cartilage and Antawn "Why don't I have a cool nickname?" Jamison, they'll probably be Wizards for life. Gilbert Arenas can put up a lot of points (when healthy) and be a potent playmaker (once his own shot-lust is satiated). Antawn Jamison continues to score (21.4 PPG) and rebound (10.2) despite being on the other side of 30. Caron Butler has developed into a big-time basket maker (20.3 PPG), an above-average boardsman (6.7 RPG) and a latter-day point forward (4.9 APG). DeShawn Stevenson doesn't back down to anybody. Andray Blatche, Antonio Daniels, Nick Young and newcomer Juan Dixon should give them okay production off the pine. Etan Thomas is back. Oh, and hey, they ranked fifth in free throw percentage (78.2) last season!

The Bad: They spent a gajillion dollars over the summer to retain two parts of their three-man core. Don't get me wrong. I love Gilbert Arenas. I do. He's a funny guy and a natural born entertainer. But I didn't see the Wizards offering Dane Cook a $100 million contract over the summer. Hibatchi is a volume shooter who, over the course of his career, hits about 42 percent of his field goal attempts. His teams have never won anything of significance. His knees continue to betray him. Oh, and the Wiz actually seemed to play better without him last season. Jamison is in his 30s and coming off a knee injury, so it's likely his effectiveness is going to diminish. DeShawn Stevenson may be an hombre, but he also has a very limited skill set...only he doesn't quite realize it. Brendan Haywood, last year's surprise player, is expected to miss most of the season while recovering from wrist surgery. They often get too caught up in trash-talk battles. Although this team won 43 games last season, advanced mathematics and voodoo tell us that they weren't even that good. The reason? Washington was painfully mediocre (or worse) in almost every conceivable category: 30th in opponents' three-point percentage (38.6), 27th in assists (19.6), 22nd in field goal percentage (44.6), 20th in opponents' field goal percentage (46.1), 19th in free throw attempts (24.3), 17th in three-point percentage (35.6), 15th in point differential (-0.3), 14th in scoring (98.8), 14th in rebound differential (+0.40) and 12th in points allowed (99.2). So, you know, it's hard to imagine this team becoming a serious contender with or without Arenas.

Fun Facts: Name drama! The Wizards franchise began as the Chicago Packers in 1961-62. The next season, they changed their name to the Zephyrs. In 1963, the franchise moved to Baltimore and became the Baltimore Bullets. In 1974, they moved to Washington and became the Capital Bullets, but that name was changed to the Washington Bullets one year later. In 1995, owner Abe Pollin announced that the franchise was to be renamed because Bullets sounds really scary and Washington, at that time, was the murder capital of the United States. A contest was held to choose a new name and the choices were narrowed to the Dragons, Express, Stallions, Sea Dogs, or Wizards. (Personally, I'm bummed out that Sea Dogs wasn't chosen.) On May 15, 1997, the Bullets officially became the Washington Wizards. The change generated some controversy because Wizard is a rank in the Ku Klux Klan. This proves, once again, that you can and will offend one or more people no matter what you do. On to other subjects. The franchise has produced only one MVP: Wes Unseld in 1969. The team has also produced three Most Improved Players: Pervis Ellison (1992), Don MacLean (1994) and Gheorghe Mureşan (1996). Of course, those players immediately de-improved after winning the award...

Videotastic extra: And now...Agent Zeroes funniest hits!

Yes, like most internet jokes it is equal parts stupid and awesome and for some mysterious reason, I cannot stop clicking on it. It's soothing and hypnotic and it also involves an adorable monkey, so you can't go wrong. Keep in mind, the best clips are the result of what happens when his team loses. If the Wizards ever reach the finals ... actually, that really is not possible.

• No! Not Possible + Dagger! [nonotpossible.com, via DC Sports Blog]
• Related: Wizards’ Play-By-Play Caller Is An Excitable Fellow [SbB]

Fortunately for you and your wallet, you (probably) aren't Abe Pollin, because Agent Zero did indeed have a third surgery on his left knee:

"I just had some floating debris in there that was slowing me down," said Arenas, who seemed to be in good spirits. "It was irritating the knee so we decided to go in there and clean it out. This should actually allow me to come back faster."

Wow. Tough break for Wizards fans. But, as Lucky Day shrewdly observed in the Latin American classic ¡Three Amigos!, each of us has an El Guapo to face. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For the Amigos, El Guapo was a big, dangerous man who happened to be the actual El Guapo. And now it appears that a gimpy left knee has become Agent Zero's El Guapo.

Still, "some floating debris" doesn't sound Tom Brady-ish or anything. And "out for roughly 14 games" is a hell of a lot better than "out for the season." But the fact that Gil has had three knee surgeries in less than a year and a half is giving me an ominous Grant Hill in Orlando vibe. Let's hope the whole thing is as casual as Gilbert is treating it, because as a friend told me in a text message: "It makes me sad because the NBA is much more fun with him playing."

Arenas to Miss Camp, Season's First Month After Surgery [Washington Post]

* The stone for the "mountain" cost nearly half a million dollars.

* There are three different fish tanks, one going in the "grotto," one in the front hall, and one in the basement. Their normal retail price would have been about another half-million.

* The tank in the basement will have a recess with a couch in it so Gil can "relax and look up at the fish."

My favorite photo is the painting of Gilbert waving in front of the U.S. Capitol. Unfortunately the picture is not clear. Damn you, skulking contruction worker, damn you.

When this thing goes on the D.C. market, Barney Frank is totally grabbing it. Totally.

Gilbert's Million-Dollar Pool: The Pics [DC Sports Bog]

Are you a fan of basketball? Do you enjoy traveling to Las Vegas? Do you appreciate young ladies of questionable legality traipsing around in tiny shirts that read "Where Amazing Happens" and very little else? Well then why the fuck would you miss the NBA's Vegas Summer League?

The annual event featuring 21 teams comprised of rookies, future stars, hopefuls, hilarious retreads, and a blogger draws journalists, coaches, and front office types alike to UNLV's Cox Pavilion. It only seemed right to reschedule my annual trek to Vegas to coincide with this veritable orgy of basketball.

All it takes to get into the building is a $20 general admission ticket good for one day, or roughly 10 hours of games spread over two courts. Of course you could pony up $100 for reserved courtside seats, but to do that you'd have to be a relatively huge putz.

Day One

I arrived with a small contingent of fans intent on seeing our beloved Wizards, specifically the "Little Three" (pictured), so we showed up about a half an hour before their game against the Cavs. We took a seat to watch the waning minutes of the Detroit/Charlotte debacle with a round of Bud Lites that really hit the spot after the five or so gin and tonics I had just downed in the poker room. After about ten seconds I exclaimed, "Holy shit, Mustafa Shakur is guarding Will Bynum!" That's when I realized that I was going to enjoy the shit out of this weekend.

Shortly thereafter it was time for the Wizards to take the floor, and for us to take up our spot directly behind the bench. It was quickly apparent that we were not alone. The section quickly filled with fellow Washingtonians, and it was almost like being back in Chinatown (sans go-go). I was immediately struck by the fans' unfettered access to the players, coaches, and even Big Ern.

At one point a bulked up Andray Blatche did what he is wont to do, run the fast break like the 6'11" point guard that he is. It may have not been pretty, but the big guy converted the layup. I happened to comment that "Eddie [Jordan]'s not gonna like that" only to have assistant coach Phil Hubbard turn around to inform me that, "Eddie likes baskets." I would have asked Eddie for confirmation, but he was sitting way the fuck up in the last row.

The Wizards ended up winning that first game (suck on that, Cleveland!), but most importantly we learned that we could carry on a running conversation with the guys on the bench while cheering a lot louder than the game called for (which did not escape the notice of WaPo's Ivan Carter). Something we certainly took advantage of when we returned to Cox the next day.

Later That Night

Dinner at N9ne is always a highlight of the annual trip, and we ran into JaVale McGee as soon as we walked into the Palms. Fortunately he's only 20, so he had nothing better to do than to stop and exchange pleasantries.

By the time appetizers were served the hostess was seating a party including Jason Whitlock, David Aldridge, and J.A. Adande in the adjoining booth. But everything was cool, I told them I was AJ.

Day 2

Players all over the building were giving their discarded shoes and jerseys to their fans, but instead of asking for Nick Young's Jordans at halftime, I joined in requesting that he take them off in favor of the Kobe models sitting under the bench. Apparently City is still new enough in town that he really hasn't grasped the whole "Jordan = Satan" concept, but he complied with the request.

Needless to say the change of shoes broke Young out of a rough slump in time to hit a deep three late in the game. Young got another chance to tighten things up when Joey Dorsey was called for a technical while in street clothes. Whether or not the game-long heckling he received from gentlemen in a George Muresan jersey put Dorsey on edge is a matter left for debate. Young, with his feet devoid of evil, hit the free throw to put them within reach. Newly acquired Dee Brown sent the game into overtime with an improbable put-back that sent the bench and the fans into a completely unnecessary frenzy.

Oh, and you're welcome, coaching staff. Now go throw anything else with a Jumpman logo in Abe Pollin's private incinerator.

Final Thoughts

-Jerryd Bayless will fuck your daughter and you will thank him for it.
-The Black Widow Mojito at Mesa Grill is both delicious and masculine.
-Dominic McGuire's sweat cures cancer.
-Jamie Foxx will not hesitate to ask your girlfriend to join his table.
-My stories suck, go next year and have your own fun.
-Next year I'm going to all of the games.

Quote of the Trip

"I get buckets, son" -Oleksiy Pecherov

That may not actually be true, but the Wizards players swore they'd never go to Love, the club that played Jay-Z's diss track against DeShawn Stevenson, ever again. And for one night at least, that held true. Stet Sports Blog has the video of Caron Butler and DeShawn Stevenson partying it up at Ibiza, another Northeast D.C. (note to out-of-towners: third safest quadrant!) club with a DJ who doesn't know DeShawn's name. Caron doing the "I can't feel my face" move is quite nice, though.

The party was hosted by radio station WKYS, which has the confusing slogan "interactive hip-hop and R&B". Really? So I can make block-rocking beats of my own and you'll play that shit? No? What? Yo, yo, son, SON, just take a listen to my mixtape. It's ill. I swear.

I'll take some of what DeShawn is sipping on also.

With Game 4 of the Wizards-Cavs series about to tip off in the Verizon Center comes the news via The Washington Post's (Boooooooo!) Wizards Insider blog that the overcooked rivalry between LeBron James and DeShawn Stevenson has extended into the hip-hop arena. It all started with Queen James waving off the feud saying that if he deigned to respond to DeShawn, it "would be like Jay-Z saying something bad about Soulja Boy." Well, Soulja Boy was in attendance to back his basketball analog in D.C. for Game 3. In response, Hova recorded a diss track aimed at DeShawn, which was played at one of Marc Barnes' annoying D.C. clubs I never go to.

Jay-Z, the Jigga Man, H-to-the-Izzo, Mr. Beyonce Knowles, made [a] diss record about DeShawn Stevenson that was played at the D.C. night spot Love on Friday night, according to several witnesses. I have not heard the song or the lyrics but I was told that Jay-Z freestyled over the beat for the track, "Blow The Whistle" by rapper Too Short.

Sorry, Mr Carter. If DeShawn can't feel his face, he's most certainly invulnerable to your barbs. Lucky for Jay-Z that slam poet Etan Thomas remains out, because I have a feeling there would be a snappy response that somehow inculpates him in the Iraq War.

In the later game, the Jazz try to seriously make Tracy McGrady cry by taking a 2-0 lead on the road in Houston. (Those Mormons sure do get feisty!)

But like most of you, we're still hoping for an epic Arenas-LeBron battle in the Cleveland-Washington series. Gilbert looks healthy enough to make this fun. Tonight, we'd all like to flee to the Cleve.

(Winner of Game 2 brings the juice boxes.)

Twenty of James' 32 points were in the latter 24 minutes, while Arenas — who didn't start — finished with 24 points and missed two shots late in the fourth quarter to try and pull back even with Cleveland. Some might question the tactic of shunning James through the media before the game, but perhaps they didn't insult him enough. What of his body odor? His ability at Scrabble? His naivete when it comes to clicking on random Internet links? Don't relent, Washington. This series is still within your grips.

Phoenix-San Antonio rages onward as today's final post comes to a close, but the playoffs for today are but half over. You're free to get your Dallas-New Orleans series "onward," as the kids like to say at ice cream socials these days. And the rematch between the Jazz Hands and the Rocket Men will commence a little past your bedtime, mister, but you've been good, so feel free to stay up late for it.

And yes, you can have some of that sandwich. There's enough for everyone. Damon Jones didn't finish his.

Technically, this is the third year in a row that the Wizards and Cavs have met in the first round. In 2006, LeBron reminded us that he could do no wrong, even as he tackled the playoffs for the first time. But Gilbert Arenas refused to back down, matching James's iron-wrought majesty with fiery whim. Cleveland won in 6, and James marched on, but it was this series that put Arenas on the map.

For 2007, the sham police were out in full force. Arenas went down with a knee injury toward season's end; to add insult to injury, Caron Butler came up lame, too. The once-proud Wizards became the team everyone wanted in round one, and Cleveland got them. The sweep came easy, and James's play was strong, if somewhat perfunctory. Gil tried in vain to spice things up by chirping loud from the bench, but Biz LeBron was in no mood. Last year had come down to playground tactics, with James whispering in Gil's ear right before he clanked out the game-winning free throws in OT. This time, it was beneath him to trifle.

So now, we head into another installment of the most disjointed, unmentionable rivalry in all of pro sports. Gil missed the entire season with that same bum knee, but now may or may not be ready to step up and star again. No one, not even, Arenas himself, seems certain of his condition. Is he available in spurts? Poised to take up the Barbosa-like mantle of zany instant offense? Or, heaven forbid, will he take his rightful place in the starting lineup by the second game? He's announced his plans to be more of a distributor, but in his few games back it's his scoring that's truly dazzled.

Why all the recap? Because these two teams are perfectly situated to fight each other for years. James and Arenas are two of the most natural-born rivals in the entire league: One entitled, god-like, and barely human, the other a first-class underdog determined to keep himself always fighting the odds. And against James, he — or anyone — will always come up imperfect and strange. But somehow, this feels like a strange coincidence, like seeing two people in one day who bought the same glasses as you. The NBA deserves better than this and indeed, all players involved deserve more.

We routinely say that THIS IS A LEAGUE OF STARS. You can keep your Zydrunas/Haywood matchup, your "worst game coach showdown," and even DeShawn Stevenson's endless rants and raves. I know LeBron thinks it's about him to respond too much, and Gil is mostly focused on working his way back home, but come on. One of you will win this series, but that's not all that's at stake. Look a little deeper, and Brand James took a hit last year — there was that one incandescent game about Detroit, but aside from that he was either rote or unseen. And that Finals debacle has been erased from our collective memory in the sole interest of preserving the world economy, which relies so heavily on LeBron's future worth.

And Gil, my man, this is your moment. Push Stevenson over to the side; his yapping is unsubtle and artless. Last year, you had no problem talking shit while laid up in a suit. You want a challenge? You want to show that you belong up there with LeBron, Wade or Kobe? After 2006, you were getting there; through no fault of your own, that path was lost. But what could be more classically Arenas-ian than taking this series on your back from the get-go? Let Caron and Antawn get theirs; honor what the team has accomplished without you. But for reals, this feels like it was scripted for you to thrive.

In spirit of 2006, from the ashes of 2007, across a landscape of resignation and incidental associations, it's time that LeBron and Arenas recognize that this isn't some fluke. They are both at defining moments in their careers, and like it or not, they need each other. By revisiting the past, they can renew themselves for the future. Let's recapture that LeBron we didn't take for granted. That Arenas whose insanity was matched only by his will. Without this, yeah, it's two Eastern teams, one of which features LeBron. But if we embrace the past here, instead of dismissing it as muddle, this series has the potential to revitalize two of the NBA's most charismatic figures.

Let the West, or the Celtics, worry about the L.O.B. The playoffs are about that, but it's also where reputations come into being. This is two guys returning to their roots, whether they realize it or not. Here's hoping they deliver unto us a real clash of civilizations.

This is going to be the most (and only?) exciting first-round matchup in the East, and second only to Suns-Spurs in the West. The drama has been building for weeks, and now these teams are going to go the hell at it. Cancel your dates (or make her/him come over and serve you beer). Take a leave of absence from work. Tell your mom you'll call her in a few weeks. Put Papa John's on speed dial. But whatever you do, DO NOT MISS THIS SERIES.

The season series: It was a 2-2 tie, with Washington winning the bookends and Cleveland taking the gooey center games. The first two "contests" were complete blowouts: The Wizards won by 19 in December and the Cavaliers won by 36 in January. The second two games were total barnburners: In February, Cleveland won 90-89 after LeBron James hit two freethrows with 7.8 seconds left; in March, Washington won 101-99 when LeBron got called for an offensive foul with 19.4 seconds left and then missed a 27-footer at the buzzer while getting the wet blanket treatment from DeShawn Stevenson.

Good news for the Wizards: Well, first of all, their big guns — Antawn Jamison, Caron Butler and Gilbert Arenas — are all back and (seemingly) healthy (or at least injury-free). Second of all, King James isn't healthy. In case you haven't heard (what, are you living under a rock?), Bron-Bron's back is hurting, which is probably the result of his season-long Atlas impersonation. And you can see that pain written in his splits: All of his numbers, particularly his rebound and assist totals, are down in April. He's still attacking the hole, but he can't hit the boards the way he usually does. Maybe he'll be fine once the series starts, maybe he won't. But if he isn't, I don't see Wally Szczerbiak or Ben Wallace picking up the slack, do you? (Man, they could sure use Larry Hughes right about now! I keed, I keeeeeeed!)

Bad news for the Wizards: They've been talking so much trash about LeBron and the Cavaliers that Charles Barkley recently came out and said: "I think the Washington Wizards have got to be the dumbest team in the history of civilization." You know it's reached the crisis point when Sir Charles makes an unintentional Waltonism. The Locksmith has gone on the record as saying that LeBron is "overrated," while Agent Zero has been spouting off on his blog about how "everybody wants Cleveland in that first round" and that the Wizards are going to "Bush" — that is, distract — LeBron with Stevenson's defense/offense combination so that they can sneak off with some wins.

This tactic backfired on Chuck Person in the first round of the 1991 playoffs, and it seems like a pretty big chance to take now. Why rile up LeBron? Why give the Cavaliers ammunition? I know that most (if not all) professional basketball players are raving egomaniacs and that they're gonna talk junk in the locker room ... but leave it there. You don't stare down an oncoming train, you don't shoot a bear in the ass with a BB gun, and you never, ever, ever tug on Superman's cape unless you're packing a fistful of Kryptonite. And guess what, Washington Wizards? Kryptonite doesn't exist.

Reality check: Angry or not, it seems pretty unlikely that LeBron is going to recapture last season's magic and make it back to the NBA Finals. Heck, he might not even make it out of the first round. Seriously. This Cavaliers team is poorly constructed and even more poorly coached. Ben Wallace is aging at an exponential rate (I expect him to burst into dust any minute), Wally Szczerbiak looks completely lost in Cleveland's one-play offense, and their best "shooter" is Delonte West. I would not be surprised to see LeBron choke a bitch, and if that bitch isn't Stevenson, it could very well be Cavaliers 2 through 12.

Cavaliers player(s) to watch: LeBron James, LeBron James, and, of course, LeBron James. How badly is he really hurting? Can he do it all by himself again? It'll also be interesting to see what Big Ben has left. My guess is "nothing," but we'll see. And who's going to be the third scoring option (after Zydrunas Ilgauskas)? West? Szczerbiak? Devin Brown?

Wizards player(s) to keep an eye on: DeShawn Stevenson, for one. He's officially thrown down the gauntlet. Actually, you know what? He's slapped LeBron upside the head with it. Now it's time to put his money where his extra-large mouth is. If he can't contain LeBron, the Wizards don't have a chance. Also, it'll be interesting to see whether Arenas is ready for playoff-level basketball. Also, Brendan Haywood needs to protect the paint from LeBron and his many basket attacks ... because nobody else on the Wizards roster seems to be able to do that.

Key(s) to the series: LeBron's back. Is it healthy? The "other" Cavaliers. Are they ready to contribute? Hell, are they even capable of it? DeShawn Stevenson. Will he hold down The King or get eaten alive. Cleveland's defense. Can they keep the Washington's Big Three from scoring 20 per game each? The Wizards' chemistry. Now that everybody's back and playing, can they adjust to working together toward one common goal?

Prediction: If LeBron gets past his back woes, Cavs in seven. If he doesn't, Wizards in six.

I went to a Wizards game the other night, and despite the fact that Gilbert Arenas made a surprise return to the lineup, the crowd was comatose for pretty much the whole night. When the Bucks shot free throws, the Verizon Center crew put up a collage of Duke images — Paulus, Coack K, etc. — on the scoreboard to get the crowd to boo, and it worked like magic. I'm not kidding. That really happened.

OK, that's freaking brilliant. Pumping up the crowd to be angry and loud by simply showing images of Duke. We knew Duke was unpopular. We didn't know they were that unpopular.

Needless to say, the Wizards have no Dookies on their roster.

The Fynal Say: Josh Levin [The Fynal Cut]

Yes, we were quite stunned to arrive in Phoenix and learn that Gilbert was encouraging his fans to buy our book.

Have you seen the new book that came out, God Save the Fan? Will Leitch came out with the book. Thank you Will Leitch! Got to give a shout out to Will Leitch and Deadspin for coming out with the book God Save the Fan. I'm just going to tell you guys to go get the book, because I'm in Chapter 2. I mean, the title might be a little hard for some of you to read, especially since me and LeBron James are best friends. It's about me and LeBron and it's somewhere along the lines of "Why Gilbert is Better for the Game than LeBron" ... it's somewhere along those lines. I don't want Cleveland fans to get mad at me, I didn't write the book, I just read it. It's kind of funny because me and him have been best friends over the five years since he's been in this league. I was just grateful being mentioned with him. When I'm done playing and after all is said and done and he's compared in Jordan likeness, I'm going to show my kids the book and be like, "Look at this here. Y'all see this, kids? Told you I was somebody. Y'all thought I was playing." LeBron and I are really friends though, the whole free throw thing in the playoffs was just trash talking.

We're not sure if Gilbert Arenas has a "Gilbert Bump" when it comes to booksales, but even if he's not the Sports Oprah, we are flattered and honored; we didn't even send him a free book. Shame he can't play right now; we could have tried to get him to sign one at courtside. Sure would be more valuable than our dumb signature.

Reading Assignment [Gilbert Arenas Blog]

• Caron Butler Hates The Irish. Always has, always will. Butler scored 21 points as the Wizards beat the Celtics 88-83 for their second victory over Boston in three days. Trailing by 14 halfway through the fourth, the Wiz mounted an improbable 19-4 run to take the lead with 40 seconds left on a gorgeous Butler lay in and-one. YOINK! Boston has now lost consecutive games at home for the first time all season and drops to 30-6. Yes, drops.

• Cue The Kobe Show. The MRI results are in. Andrew Bynum, a big factor in the Lakers' strong start, will be out at least eight weeks because of an injured left knee. Ugh. The Lakers are freakin' screw— oh, they still have Kobe? He didn't get traded to the Bulls? Never mind then. The Black Mamba capped his season-best offensive outburst (48 points) by nailing an 18-footer with 4 seconds left in overtime to help the Lakers beat the Sonics 123-121. And hey, it only took him 44 (!) shots. Efficient. Los Angeles has won seven straight.

• Go Back To Denver And Tell Them There That Charlotte's Daughters And Sons Are Yours No More. After consecutive heartbreaking losses — in double-overtime to Cleveland and in overtime to Detroit — the Charlotte Bobcats had seen enough, thank you very much. Gerald Wallace scored 40 points, Matt Carroll added 19, and it was the Cats making the big plays down the stretch for a change in a 119-116 win over the Nuggets. Said Wallace post-game: "Tell them Charlotte is free."

• A Beautiful Fade Without A Name For So Long. In just his second game back from a groin injury that kept him sidelined for nearly six weeks, Kevin Martin scored 39 points in less than 28 minutes and John Salmons hit a game-winning drive with 2.4 seconds remaining to help the Kings snap the Mavs' seven-game winning streak with a 122-120 victory. Not bad. "For me it's just basketball," Martin said. "I always felt like I could come back and play. It was just a matter of where my wind was." My wind is in my ass. Fact.

• Miami Vagines Hang Like Sleeve Of Wizard. With all due offense to Chris Quinn and the Heat organization, when the Medicine Man is your best player on the court, you're in for a long night. DeShawn Stevenson's beard scored a season-high 26 points, Caron Butler added 19 and Antawn Jamison had a sick little 16-16 package as the Wizards beat the Heat 104-91. Darius Songalia like! Quinn finished with a career-high 22 for Miami, which lost for the seventh time in nine home games this season. Their mothers must be horrible cooks.

• The Bryant Report. I won't lie. On a day when The Mitchell Report was getting all the boring news — Worst. Deadspin Day. Ever. — I really expected Kobe Bryant to come out last night and score like 105 points or drop a cool quintuple-double to steal the Friday PTI headlines. Instead, Kobe scored a pretty quiet 30 points, and the Lakers bench used an 18-5 fourth-quarter spurt to break open a close game and beat the Spurs 102-97. Oh well. The defending NBA champs, now 17-5, did play without Tim Duncan and Tony Parker, so perhaps Kobe figured it wasn't even worth it. Manu Ginobili scored just 14 in the loss.

• Garbage Points. Hawks' forward Al Horford has been suspended one game without pay for super spiking — KABOOM! — T.J. Ford's head earlier this week. He'll serve his suspension tonight. ... Your starters after the first batch of All-Star voting returns: KG, LeBron, Dwight, Wade and Kidd in the East; Kobe, T-Mac, Melo, Dirk and Yao out West. C'mon, people, Vote 'Toine! ... Despite having only four healthy guys, the Clippers waived forward Ruben Patterson yesterday. The Kobe Stopper appeared in 20 games for the Clips, averaging 5.1 points, 3.2 assists and 0.0 babysitter-boners this season. ... Wes Unseld, American badass.

Now she's back in California. You ask for space, you know, because everything feels closed in ... the house is dirty, the kids are drawing on the walls and on the couches and you're thinking, "Oh man, I can't do this. I'm not playing well and I'm coming home to all this." So you ask for space and now you got clean walls, clean furniture and you're lonely. And now you got to sit out three months. Oh man. I guess it has to get bad so it can get good.

We feel for you, man. And we have a feeling that The Blog File is going to be pretty interesting over the next few months.

Gilbert Arenas Has Done It Again. [With Leather]
Agent Zero: The Blog File