That may not actually be true, but the Wizards players swore they'd never go to Love, the club that played Jay-Z's diss track against DeShawn Stevenson, ever again. And for one night at least, that held true. Stet Sports Blog has the video of Caron Butler and DeShawn Stevenson partying it up at Ibiza, another Northeast D.C. (note to out-of-towners: third safest quadrant!) club with a DJ who doesn't know DeShawn's name. Caron doing the "I can't feel my face" move is quite nice, though.

The party was hosted by radio station WKYS, which has the confusing slogan "interactive hip-hop and R&B". Really? So I can make block-rocking beats of my own and you'll play that shit? No? What? Yo, yo, son, SON, just take a listen to my mixtape. It's ill. I swear.

I'll take some of what DeShawn is sipping on also.

With Game 4 of the Wizards-Cavs series about to tip off in the Verizon Center comes the news via The Washington Post's (Boooooooo!) Wizards Insider blog that the overcooked rivalry between LeBron James and DeShawn Stevenson has extended into the hip-hop arena. It all started with Queen James waving off the feud saying that if he deigned to respond to DeShawn, it "would be like Jay-Z saying something bad about Soulja Boy." Well, Soulja Boy was in attendance to back his basketball analog in D.C. for Game 3. In response, Hova recorded a diss track aimed at DeShawn, which was played at one of Marc Barnes' annoying D.C. clubs I never go to.

Jay-Z, the Jigga Man, H-to-the-Izzo, Mr. Beyonce Knowles, made [a] diss record about DeShawn Stevenson that was played at the D.C. night spot Love on Friday night, according to several witnesses. I have not heard the song or the lyrics but I was told that Jay-Z freestyled over the beat for the track, "Blow The Whistle" by rapper Too Short.

Sorry, Mr Carter. If DeShawn can't feel his face, he's most certainly invulnerable to your barbs. Lucky for Jay-Z that slam poet Etan Thomas remains out, because I have a feeling there would be a snappy response that somehow inculpates him in the Iraq War.

In the later game, the Jazz try to seriously make Tracy McGrady cry by taking a 2-0 lead on the road in Houston. (Those Mormons sure do get feisty!)

But like most of you, we're still hoping for an epic Arenas-LeBron battle in the Cleveland-Washington series. Gilbert looks healthy enough to make this fun. Tonight, we'd all like to flee to the Cleve.

(Winner of Game 2 brings the juice boxes.)

Twenty of James' 32 points were in the latter 24 minutes, while Arenas — who didn't start — finished with 24 points and missed two shots late in the fourth quarter to try and pull back even with Cleveland. Some might question the tactic of shunning James through the media before the game, but perhaps they didn't insult him enough. What of his body odor? His ability at Scrabble? His naivete when it comes to clicking on random Internet links? Don't relent, Washington. This series is still within your grips.

Phoenix-San Antonio rages onward as today's final post comes to a close, but the playoffs for today are but half over. You're free to get your Dallas-New Orleans series "onward," as the kids like to say at ice cream socials these days. And the rematch between the Jazz Hands and the Rocket Men will commence a little past your bedtime, mister, but you've been good, so feel free to stay up late for it.

And yes, you can have some of that sandwich. There's enough for everyone. Damon Jones didn't finish his.

Technically, this is the third year in a row that the Wizards and Cavs have met in the first round. In 2006, LeBron reminded us that he could do no wrong, even as he tackled the playoffs for the first time. But Gilbert Arenas refused to back down, matching James's iron-wrought majesty with fiery whim. Cleveland won in 6, and James marched on, but it was this series that put Arenas on the map.

For 2007, the sham police were out in full force. Arenas went down with a knee injury toward season's end; to add insult to injury, Caron Butler came up lame, too. The once-proud Wizards became the team everyone wanted in round one, and Cleveland got them. The sweep came easy, and James's play was strong, if somewhat perfunctory. Gil tried in vain to spice things up by chirping loud from the bench, but Biz LeBron was in no mood. Last year had come down to playground tactics, with James whispering in Gil's ear right before he clanked out the game-winning free throws in OT. This time, it was beneath him to trifle.

So now, we head into another installment of the most disjointed, unmentionable rivalry in all of pro sports. Gil missed the entire season with that same bum knee, but now may or may not be ready to step up and star again. No one, not even, Arenas himself, seems certain of his condition. Is he available in spurts? Poised to take up the Barbosa-like mantle of zany instant offense? Or, heaven forbid, will he take his rightful place in the starting lineup by the second game? He's announced his plans to be more of a distributor, but in his few games back it's his scoring that's truly dazzled.

Why all the recap? Because these two teams are perfectly situated to fight each other for years. James and Arenas are two of the most natural-born rivals in the entire league: One entitled, god-like, and barely human, the other a first-class underdog determined to keep himself always fighting the odds. And against James, he — or anyone — will always come up imperfect and strange. But somehow, this feels like a strange coincidence, like seeing two people in one day who bought the same glasses as you. The NBA deserves better than this and indeed, all players involved deserve more.

We routinely say that THIS IS A LEAGUE OF STARS. You can keep your Zydrunas/Haywood matchup, your "worst game coach showdown," and even DeShawn Stevenson's endless rants and raves. I know LeBron thinks it's about him to respond too much, and Gil is mostly focused on working his way back home, but come on. One of you will win this series, but that's not all that's at stake. Look a little deeper, and Brand James took a hit last year — there was that one incandescent game about Detroit, but aside from that he was either rote or unseen. And that Finals debacle has been erased from our collective memory in the sole interest of preserving the world economy, which relies so heavily on LeBron's future worth.

And Gil, my man, this is your moment. Push Stevenson over to the side; his yapping is unsubtle and artless. Last year, you had no problem talking shit while laid up in a suit. You want a challenge? You want to show that you belong up there with LeBron, Wade or Kobe? After 2006, you were getting there; through no fault of your own, that path was lost. But what could be more classically Arenas-ian than taking this series on your back from the get-go? Let Caron and Antawn get theirs; honor what the team has accomplished without you. But for reals, this feels like it was scripted for you to thrive.

In spirit of 2006, from the ashes of 2007, across a landscape of resignation and incidental associations, it's time that LeBron and Arenas recognize that this isn't some fluke. They are both at defining moments in their careers, and like it or not, they need each other. By revisiting the past, they can renew themselves for the future. Let's recapture that LeBron we didn't take for granted. That Arenas whose insanity was matched only by his will. Without this, yeah, it's two Eastern teams, one of which features LeBron. But if we embrace the past here, instead of dismissing it as muddle, this series has the potential to revitalize two of the NBA's most charismatic figures.

Let the West, or the Celtics, worry about the L.O.B. The playoffs are about that, but it's also where reputations come into being. This is two guys returning to their roots, whether they realize it or not. Here's hoping they deliver unto us a real clash of civilizations.

This is going to be the most (and only?) exciting first-round matchup in the East, and second only to Suns-Spurs in the West. The drama has been building for weeks, and now these teams are going to go the hell at it. Cancel your dates (or make her/him come over and serve you beer). Take a leave of absence from work. Tell your mom you'll call her in a few weeks. Put Papa John's on speed dial. But whatever you do, DO NOT MISS THIS SERIES.

The season series: It was a 2-2 tie, with Washington winning the bookends and Cleveland taking the gooey center games. The first two "contests" were complete blowouts: The Wizards won by 19 in December and the Cavaliers won by 36 in January. The second two games were total barnburners: In February, Cleveland won 90-89 after LeBron James hit two freethrows with 7.8 seconds left; in March, Washington won 101-99 when LeBron got called for an offensive foul with 19.4 seconds left and then missed a 27-footer at the buzzer while getting the wet blanket treatment from DeShawn Stevenson.

Good news for the Wizards: Well, first of all, their big guns — Antawn Jamison, Caron Butler and Gilbert Arenas — are all back and (seemingly) healthy (or at least injury-free). Second of all, King James isn't healthy. In case you haven't heard (what, are you living under a rock?), Bron-Bron's back is hurting, which is probably the result of his season-long Atlas impersonation. And you can see that pain written in his splits: All of his numbers, particularly his rebound and assist totals, are down in April. He's still attacking the hole, but he can't hit the boards the way he usually does. Maybe he'll be fine once the series starts, maybe he won't. But if he isn't, I don't see Wally Szczerbiak or Ben Wallace picking up the slack, do you? (Man, they could sure use Larry Hughes right about now! I keed, I keeeeeeed!)

Bad news for the Wizards: They've been talking so much trash about LeBron and the Cavaliers that Charles Barkley recently came out and said: "I think the Washington Wizards have got to be the dumbest team in the history of civilization." You know it's reached the crisis point when Sir Charles makes an unintentional Waltonism. The Locksmith has gone on the record as saying that LeBron is "overrated," while Agent Zero has been spouting off on his blog about how "everybody wants Cleveland in that first round" and that the Wizards are going to "Bush" — that is, distract — LeBron with Stevenson's defense/offense combination so that they can sneak off with some wins.

This tactic backfired on Chuck Person in the first round of the 1991 playoffs, and it seems like a pretty big chance to take now. Why rile up LeBron? Why give the Cavaliers ammunition? I know that most (if not all) professional basketball players are raving egomaniacs and that they're gonna talk junk in the locker room ... but leave it there. You don't stare down an oncoming train, you don't shoot a bear in the ass with a BB gun, and you never, ever, ever tug on Superman's cape unless you're packing a fistful of Kryptonite. And guess what, Washington Wizards? Kryptonite doesn't exist.

Reality check: Angry or not, it seems pretty unlikely that LeBron is going to recapture last season's magic and make it back to the NBA Finals. Heck, he might not even make it out of the first round. Seriously. This Cavaliers team is poorly constructed and even more poorly coached. Ben Wallace is aging at an exponential rate (I expect him to burst into dust any minute), Wally Szczerbiak looks completely lost in Cleveland's one-play offense, and their best "shooter" is Delonte West. I would not be surprised to see LeBron choke a bitch, and if that bitch isn't Stevenson, it could very well be Cavaliers 2 through 12.

Cavaliers player(s) to watch: LeBron James, LeBron James, and, of course, LeBron James. How badly is he really hurting? Can he do it all by himself again? It'll also be interesting to see what Big Ben has left. My guess is "nothing," but we'll see. And who's going to be the third scoring option (after Zydrunas Ilgauskas)? West? Szczerbiak? Devin Brown?

Wizards player(s) to keep an eye on: DeShawn Stevenson, for one. He's officially thrown down the gauntlet. Actually, you know what? He's slapped LeBron upside the head with it. Now it's time to put his money where his extra-large mouth is. If he can't contain LeBron, the Wizards don't have a chance. Also, it'll be interesting to see whether Arenas is ready for playoff-level basketball. Also, Brendan Haywood needs to protect the paint from LeBron and his many basket attacks ... because nobody else on the Wizards roster seems to be able to do that.

Key(s) to the series: LeBron's back. Is it healthy? The "other" Cavaliers. Are they ready to contribute? Hell, are they even capable of it? DeShawn Stevenson. Will he hold down The King or get eaten alive. Cleveland's defense. Can they keep the Washington's Big Three from scoring 20 per game each? The Wizards' chemistry. Now that everybody's back and playing, can they adjust to working together toward one common goal?

Prediction: If LeBron gets past his back woes, Cavs in seven. If he doesn't, Wizards in six.

I went to a Wizards game the other night, and despite the fact that Gilbert Arenas made a surprise return to the lineup, the crowd was comatose for pretty much the whole night. When the Bucks shot free throws, the Verizon Center crew put up a collage of Duke images — Paulus, Coack K, etc. — on the scoreboard to get the crowd to boo, and it worked like magic. I'm not kidding. That really happened.

OK, that's freaking brilliant. Pumping up the crowd to be angry and loud by simply showing images of Duke. We knew Duke was unpopular. We didn't know they were that unpopular.

Needless to say, the Wizards have no Dookies on their roster.

The Fynal Say: Josh Levin [The Fynal Cut]

Yes, we were quite stunned to arrive in Phoenix and learn that Gilbert was encouraging his fans to buy our book.

Have you seen the new book that came out, God Save the Fan? Will Leitch came out with the book. Thank you Will Leitch! Got to give a shout out to Will Leitch and Deadspin for coming out with the book God Save the Fan. I'm just going to tell you guys to go get the book, because I'm in Chapter 2. I mean, the title might be a little hard for some of you to read, especially since me and LeBron James are best friends. It's about me and LeBron and it's somewhere along the lines of "Why Gilbert is Better for the Game than LeBron" ... it's somewhere along those lines. I don't want Cleveland fans to get mad at me, I didn't write the book, I just read it. It's kind of funny because me and him have been best friends over the five years since he's been in this league. I was just grateful being mentioned with him. When I'm done playing and after all is said and done and he's compared in Jordan likeness, I'm going to show my kids the book and be like, "Look at this here. Y'all see this, kids? Told you I was somebody. Y'all thought I was playing." LeBron and I are really friends though, the whole free throw thing in the playoffs was just trash talking.

We're not sure if Gilbert Arenas has a "Gilbert Bump" when it comes to booksales, but even if he's not the Sports Oprah, we are flattered and honored; we didn't even send him a free book. Shame he can't play right now; we could have tried to get him to sign one at courtside. Sure would be more valuable than our dumb signature.

Reading Assignment [Gilbert Arenas Blog]

• Caron Butler Hates The Irish. Always has, always will. Butler scored 21 points as the Wizards beat the Celtics 88-83 for their second victory over Boston in three days. Trailing by 14 halfway through the fourth, the Wiz mounted an improbable 19-4 run to take the lead with 40 seconds left on a gorgeous Butler lay in and-one. YOINK! Boston has now lost consecutive games at home for the first time all season and drops to 30-6. Yes, drops.

• Cue The Kobe Show. The MRI results are in. Andrew Bynum, a big factor in the Lakers' strong start, will be out at least eight weeks because of an injured left knee. Ugh. The Lakers are freakin' screw— oh, they still have Kobe? He didn't get traded to the Bulls? Never mind then. The Black Mamba capped his season-best offensive outburst (48 points) by nailing an 18-footer with 4 seconds left in overtime to help the Lakers beat the Sonics 123-121. And hey, it only took him 44 (!) shots. Efficient. Los Angeles has won seven straight.

• Go Back To Denver And Tell Them There That Charlotte's Daughters And Sons Are Yours No More. After consecutive heartbreaking losses — in double-overtime to Cleveland and in overtime to Detroit — the Charlotte Bobcats had seen enough, thank you very much. Gerald Wallace scored 40 points, Matt Carroll added 19, and it was the Cats making the big plays down the stretch for a change in a 119-116 win over the Nuggets. Said Wallace post-game: "Tell them Charlotte is free."

• A Beautiful Fade Without A Name For So Long. In just his second game back from a groin injury that kept him sidelined for nearly six weeks, Kevin Martin scored 39 points in less than 28 minutes and John Salmons hit a game-winning drive with 2.4 seconds remaining to help the Kings snap the Mavs' seven-game winning streak with a 122-120 victory. Not bad. "For me it's just basketball," Martin said. "I always felt like I could come back and play. It was just a matter of where my wind was." My wind is in my ass. Fact.

• Miami Vagines Hang Like Sleeve Of Wizard. With all due offense to Chris Quinn and the Heat organization, when the Medicine Man is your best player on the court, you're in for a long night. DeShawn Stevenson's beard scored a season-high 26 points, Caron Butler added 19 and Antawn Jamison had a sick little 16-16 package as the Wizards beat the Heat 104-91. Darius Songalia like! Quinn finished with a career-high 22 for Miami, which lost for the seventh time in nine home games this season. Their mothers must be horrible cooks.

• The Bryant Report. I won't lie. On a day when The Mitchell Report was getting all the boring news — Worst. Deadspin Day. Ever. — I really expected Kobe Bryant to come out last night and score like 105 points or drop a cool quintuple-double to steal the Friday PTI headlines. Instead, Kobe scored a pretty quiet 30 points, and the Lakers bench used an 18-5 fourth-quarter spurt to break open a close game and beat the Spurs 102-97. Oh well. The defending NBA champs, now 17-5, did play without Tim Duncan and Tony Parker, so perhaps Kobe figured it wasn't even worth it. Manu Ginobili scored just 14 in the loss.

• Garbage Points. Hawks' forward Al Horford has been suspended one game without pay for super spiking — KABOOM! — T.J. Ford's head earlier this week. He'll serve his suspension tonight. ... Your starters after the first batch of All-Star voting returns: KG, LeBron, Dwight, Wade and Kidd in the East; Kobe, T-Mac, Melo, Dirk and Yao out West. C'mon, people, Vote 'Toine! ... Despite having only four healthy guys, the Clippers waived forward Ruben Patterson yesterday. The Kobe Stopper appeared in 20 games for the Clips, averaging 5.1 points, 3.2 assists and 0.0 babysitter-boners this season. ... Wes Unseld, American badass.

Now she's back in California. You ask for space, you know, because everything feels closed in ... the house is dirty, the kids are drawing on the walls and on the couches and you're thinking, "Oh man, I can't do this. I'm not playing well and I'm coming home to all this." So you ask for space and now you got clean walls, clean furniture and you're lonely. And now you got to sit out three months. Oh man. I guess it has to get bad so it can get good.

We feel for you, man. And we have a feeling that The Blog File is going to be pretty interesting over the next few months.

Gilbert Arenas Has Done It Again. [With Leather]
Agent Zero: The Blog File

Hi, I'm Will. I run Deadspin. A lot of our readers are fans of you.

The blog guy, hey. You're the No. 1 blogger, yeah.

I wouldn't say that. I think that's Wilbon. [laughs uncomfortably, alone] That guy you were talking to before me, that's the guy who does your blog, right?

Yeah, that's Dave [McMenamin]. He's the guy behind the guy.

How long are the interviews, usually? He just calls you up and asks you questions and writes it up?

Usually about 15-20 minutes, depending on how I'm feeling and the topic. During the season, it's once a week, but he's going to Europe next week with Boston, so that hampers it a bit.

How much time do you spend on the Web, personally?

Not as much as you'd think. I check out my MySpace. I'll go on sites to see what's funny on YouTube.

Do you have any regular sites you check out, sports sites, whatever?

No. Well, yeah, but I can't tell you, I can't put those out there.

So you're saying only porn?

Yes. [smiles]

Excellent. I think one of the reasons you've become popular in a different way than some other athletes have is because of your blog. Do you get a lot of reaction from the site from players or people in the stands? Do you hear a lot about it?

When I do the blog, I have things in my mind that people catch on to. For a while, it was the Hibachi thing that got big. The 10 dollar thing, the making bets with the fans thing, and me getting in trouble for it, people like to yell that out at me too. That was funny, because they're actually paying attention.

I think you appeal to a certain type of smarter fan, like the Wizznutzz crew, who aren't necessarily the Paint Your Face And Scream Obscenities. (Ed. Note: Nope. They just dress up like Wizards.) I think the blog is a large part of that.

Well, some people would rather not go to arenas, they'd rather just sit at home and watch the game at home, or play on the computer. There's a lot of people like that. You've got your video gamers, who just sit at home and play video games all day. So by blogging, and playing video games, I'm actually getting to them.

Have you been to Wizznutzz?

My dad is more into the stuff like that, the RealGM, the Wizznutzz, those types of things. He tells me what's going on. He was sitting there for five, six hours, posting under fake names, "how do you like that Gilbert Arenas? He's a jackass, huh?" Just to see what the response is.

Do you at least go to ESPN? Do you have an email account?

I don't, no. If someone tells me someone wrote something about me, I'll go check it out, and I'll "log in." [makes actual air quotes]

Do other players come to you and tell you they want to set up a blog, or talk to you about it?

I don't think they know how big it is. There were three other players who blogged, but it didn't really catch on. The business people know about it, but I don't think the players do.

So if you — or, well, Dave, anyway — called out somebody on the site, they wouldn't know about it?

Unless someone in PR told them or something. I talked about Penny, and he came to me and said, "My PR guy told me you mentioned me in your blog. Thanks!"

Has there ever been anything in the blog that Dave's put in that you've asked him to take out?

It's usually the other way around. There's some stuff I wanted in there that they wouldn't let me put in. [points to Dave] Hey, Dave, we gotta give a shoutout to Wizznutzz.

Was the idea to do the site yours?

They actually came to me about it. At first I didn't think I had the time for it, but I thought if Chris Paul has the time to do it, I can.

And nobody reads Chris Paul's site.

That's what I'm gonna outsell him in video games this year. Nobody reads his site.

Do you guys ever scramble to come up with stuff for the site?

That's what it's surviving: I have an entertaining life. I thought I was boring. When I went through my life, I was like, "I sit around and play video games all day. Nobody wants to hear about this." But once I started doing the site, I was like, "Yeah, I do have an interesting life!"

Well, Dave makes it look interesting, anyway.

Totally. I always have something going on.

Because Gilbert knows how how you settle relationship disagreements with your lady.

So we was on 16th and Constitution and she kicked me out of the car and I had to walk all the way to the gym. It was probably a mile, but I had on smaller shoes. You know, I wear 13s, but I had on 12s because they matched the outfit I was wearing so my feet were hurting and I didn't have any cab money to take a cab and that all played a part.

So I went on a strike.

I think all men should do this when they have a disagreement. This is Relationship 101. When you have a fight with "the other," don't answer their calls and don't answer their pages. That usually gets the point across that you're not talking to them. So, I held out for seven days. I went on strike for seven days and stayed at the gym for seven days. I slept in the gym. They got nice couches in there and it just kept me in the gym working on my knee and stuff.

Arenas then explains how that's why he missed an EA Sports promotional event in Toronto; his passport was at home, and because he was "on strike," he couldn't go home and get it. We full expect Gilbert to have his own syndicated advice talk show at some point. We'd surely watch it more than that HBO crap.

Relationships 101 [Gilbert Arenas' Blog]

The unidentified NBA player suffered a gunshot wound to the leg and was transported to a local hospital for treatment, authorities said. The identity of the shooting suspect was not immediately released, and it's not known if the gunman is in custody.

No word yet on the player who was shot, whether it was Stevenson or another player, but Stevenson certainly has some issues in his past. Considering his once-stated notion that he would only talk to Wizards with field-goal percentages above 50 percent, here's hoping he hasn't taken to make sure those who are under 50 percent are shot.

NBA Player Shot At Party [WESH]
DeShawn Stevenson [Wikipedia]

(UPDATE: The person shot is somebody named Curtis Ruff.)

The promising Wizards forward Andray Blatche was busted Thursday morning for trying to pick up an undercover cop with a buddy of his.

According to D.C. police, Blatche and a male acquaintance were arrested at 12:11 yesterday morning in front of 10 Thomas Circle in Northwest Washington after attempting to solicit sex from a female police officer in the prostitution enforcement unit. He appeared in D.C. Superior Court yesterday evening and was released. He also was wanted for failure to appear on a charge of driving without a license, stemming from an arrest in October 2006, according to charging documents.

We have to say, as far as NBA off-court sexual malfeasance goes, we'll take the Thwarted Courtesan Threesome over the Masturbating In Your Limo To Porn. At least Blatche was trying.

Blatche Charged With Solicitation [Washington Post]

(UPDATE: Here's the transcript from the police report. It's kind of awesome.

The undercover officer gave a pre-arranged signal to the Prostitution Enforcement Unit arrest team and the defendant(s) was then stopped.)

I know this is random, but I just want to clear this up for people out there.

There are these things called shark attacks, but there is no such thing as a shark attack. I have never seen a real shark attack.

I know you're making a weird face as you're reading this. OK people, a shark attack is not what we see on TV and what people portray it as.

We're humans. We live on land.

Sharks live in water.

So if you're swimming in the water and a shark bites you, that's called trespassing. That is called trespassing. That is not a shark attack.

A shark attack is if you're chilling at home, sitting on your couch, and a shark comes in and bites you; now that's a shark attack. Now, if you're chilling in the water, that is called invasion of space. So I have never heard of a shark attack.

When I see on the news where it's like, "There have been 10 shark attacks," I'm like, "Hey, for real?! They're just running around? Sharks are walking now, huh! We live on the land, we don't live underwater."

Seriously: We're not sure we're ever gonna like a professional athlete more than we like Gilbert Arenas.

(OK, Ankiel, But that's IT.)

There Are No Such Things As Shark Attacks [Gilbert Arenas' Blog]

(UPDATE: It does appear Gilbert swiped this from a comedian. That's not good, but we still just love the general thought process. But yeah: Don't steal, Gilbert.)

You just know he insisted on that, and that he practiced in a mirror for months to get it exactly right.

NBA Live 08 Commercials Featuring "The" Gilbert Arenas [The Angry T]

But would he actually leave? Gilbert is as popular in the DC area as Jamie Mottram, and almost as handsome. Is he seriously considering bolting, or is it just a contract ploy?

We knew only one man to ask: Our own unsilent majority, rock star at Kissing Suzy Kolber and intern for life at Wizznutzz. The guy is as big an expert in all matters Wizard as anyone we knew who doesn't dress up like a wizard for games. His thoughts about Gilbert's possible exit are after the jump.

As a long suffering fan of Les Boulez, I'd like to invite everyone to just relax. Bloggers and ESPN television personalities alike seem so eager to blow up the non-story of Gilbert Arenas' contract plans. Despite my admitted man-crush on the one called Zero, I refuse to cave in to the media's campaign of fear. His decision to opt out of his existing contract didn't come as a surprise to anyone in or around the organization, yet nobody (from the fans on up) have felt the need to panic because everybody saw it coming.

Ernie Grunfeld, the undisputed leader of the front office, let it be known that he's expected and planned for Gilbert's decision for quite some time. And how could he not? The Washington Post's Ivan Carter has been talking about the possibility for two months. Hell, Gilbert first started talking about opting out last year. Somehow people have gotten it in their heads that "opt out" is a secret way of saying "get me the fuck out of here," when, in reality, it means "it's time to get paid."

I've heard all sorts of reasons why he'd leave but none has been backed by logic. Say what you will about Gilbert's eccentricities, he's always been a logical person (the free agency coin flip was a joke). After three seasons under his contract with the Wizards, Gilbert has developed himself into a superstar both on and off the court. Taking advantage of the clause in his contract in order to secure a new max contract is just downright logical. Gilbert is looking for longterm security and a place where he can build a winner, two things the Wizards have been eager to provide for their young star.

When free agency rolls around 12 months from now, everybody with the means will be throwing max offers at him, but only the Wizards can guarantee him six years. All that's left is sorting out the perks, and Gilbert sure as hell doesn't need an agent to negotiate his yearly cake allotment from his beloved Grandpa Pollin (although obtaining the pit bull treadmills in the locker room could be a stretch, given recent circumstances in the world of sports).

Simply put, there's no reason for to go anywhere else. This is his home, it's where he's raising a family, it's where he's loved, and it's where he reigns supreme as The Black President (which makes him more powerful than Eleanor Holmes Norton) . And if does leave he knows that we'll find him. Remember, we're a bunch of crazy fuckers.

So please everyone, forget the doomsday theories because we've got enough shit to worry about. Just keep breathing, and don't hesitate to call if you forget your mantra.

For a closer look at the financial details, drink in the Kool Aid with Nate Jones over at Fanhouse; he knows what's up. Now I have to get back to the Mothering Hut before Darvin and Jaarko wake up.

-Unsilent Majority, Wizznutzz Intern for Life

Arenas said Saturday that the knee injury he suffered in April and the recent birth of his second child has led him to view his financial future in a different light. "It's very important that I secure my future," Arenas said. "Next summer, I will be in a position to sign a contract that will give me 12 solid years in this league. When I came in as a second round pick [in 2001] that's something I never imagined."

Yes, as we know, Huggies can be quite expensive. At least he didn't say "I have to feed my family." We continue to love Gilbert, but ... seriously, fella.

And while we're in a Raising Arizona frame of mind, we can totally picture Gilbert having the following conversation with a convenience store clerk:

GILBERT: "Do these balloons blow up into funny shapes at all?"
CLERK: "Not unless you consider round funny."

Wizards Expected Arenas To Opt Out [Washington Post]

And now, via this adorable little story at the superb DC Sports Bog yesterday afternoon, comes a report of Caron attending the birthday party of a random 16-year-old kid from the neighborhood. The family sent the birthday boy's kid sister over to Caron's house to invite him to the party, and he showed up, brought a jersey and some shoes, and hung out with high school kids for an afternoon. See Caron talking about it here.

I don't remember my 16th birthday party, but I'm pretty sure Caron Butler wasn't there. But, on the other hand, I don't think it was at home, with Pepsi, cake, and ice cream, either. It was very sweet of Caron to show up, but they could've at least gotten him drunk.

A Caron Butler Surprise [DC Sports Bog]
Caron Butler Surprises Birthday Boy [NBC4]

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—--

First off, let's eradicate all the things that Cavs/Wizards is not. It's not going to be a rehash of last year's firestorm, which arguably made both LeBron and Arenas who they are today. It's not the James/Wade tango that nearly was — which is fortunate, because there was zero buzz about this possibility and it would have knocked one out way early. And to be perfectly fair to my sources, this isn't the same LeBron who romped into the 2006 postseason with one hand up immortality's skirt.

At least among picky eaters, the LBJ's stock is at an all-time low. Blame it on Mike Brown's stifling offense, the inept Cleveland front office, or our own skewed version of what accomplishment means. But in one choppy season, Gloria's boy squandered all the superstar capital he'd earned against the Pistons and Wiz. The point isn't whether it's fair to expect James to save Cleveland on his own — admit it, last May we all thought he could. So for the team to drop from the "must-watch" status and LeBron get taken for granted, well, that's deflation. I know all about the man called Larry Hughes, and how he's taken up the point guard position. I think that's more a testament to how broken the Cavs are, in the same way that black markets flourish and warlords build schools in war torn lands. The awakening of Pavlovic, the hairy spatters of Anderson Varejao, Boobie Gibson's range ... all these things are true, and yet none are mutually exclusive with a commanding LeBron. The playoffs are theater, and there's really nothing to bring the house down like the messianic urge fulfilled.

As for the damaged Wizards, well, these times are hard. Let's not underestimate how much Arenas needed these playoffs — sure, his star rose like a blob of helium this season, but those missed free throws still linger. Even if you believe that he's over that, kindly turn to his kid-in-a-candy-store '06-07. Without a weighty playoff run to back up all the swag, he's no better in the books than T-Mac in Orlando: a fantastic individual performer who can't drag his team through the rapids. Alas, Gilbert is gone. Caron Butler clutches at his broken hand; he believes in the will above all else, and yet can offer nothing but the faint promise of a second-round return. Antawn Jamison keeps up his head and pushes onward, with Deshawn Stevenson cackling by his side. But the cupboard is bare, hope long ago replaced with cobwebs, and a dignified exit the best-case scenario. And for the media to respectfully ignore them in their hour of ruin.

Luckily for them, this series will be all LeBron, all day. The more absent and pale the Wizards are, the less it will sting; if James goes the eff off, this will become a refresher in what made us all witnesses. Here's the young fella's chance to restore his luster, to get us believing again that basketball belongs to him. What better an opportunity than a first-round opponent that belongs in the lottery? Now, this could backfire hopelessly — if the Wiz do anything more than steal one game, James will be accused of lacking substance. Somehow, though, I just don't foresee that happening. As Agent Steinz astutely observes, LeBron's really the only Cav that's in any way imposing. But LeBron out to renew his good name — well, it will only a take a little of that for the Wizards to evaporate and for the King James Version to get back on that heavenly track.

What words to give the Wizards faithful? To thee, I would say: This dismal week will be all about looking inward. Remember the good times. Bathe in the warmth this season left in your stomach. Send a friendly message to the aforementioned Steinz, who has played an instrumental role in making most of the world into Wiz enthusiasts. When this team was up, the high was delirious. When the the rough patches set in, they passed the time with good humor. The temptation will be strong to venture into these God-foresaken waters, but be warned: Your love will not save you here. Turn away, know that it will soon be over, and instead make this a nondescript celebration of what a better person this team made you.

Cavs in five. LeBron on every shoehorn. Numerous Andray Blatche close-ups. And then a whole summer of foment from the Armies of Gilbert.

Fresh hot and ready, it's Obama-Arenas 2008 campaign shirts: A campaign team that could change the way you think about politics.

Show your support for the only campaign that promises to:
-Legislate the No Snub Left Behind Act.
-Promote universal health care.
-Pardon Chico DeBarge
-Pursue alternative energies incentives: offer bacon grease subsidies.
-Offer comprehensive immigration reform: illegal immigrants can fast-track their citizenship by defeating Homeland Security Czar DeShawn Stevenson in a 3-point shooting competition, an initiative that will be dubbed: "I Want To Feel The Face of Freedom."
-Redecorate the Oval Office as an exact replica of the Lt. Castillo office set from Miami Vice.
-Annex Wheaton Plaza. Crush the resistance movement by cutting off edible underpants supply to Spencer Gifts.

Can the McCain/McIlvaine ticket promise you all that?!

No. It absolutely cannot. So get the shirts and join the party.

OBAMA/ARENAS '08 Official Black Presidential Campaign T-Shirts [Mothering Hut]

Like pretty much anyone who loves the game of basketball, we are distressed to hear that Gilbert Arenas is going to be out two months and miss the playoffs. There was no player we were looking forward to watching more; it has been a blissful, breakthrough season for Agent Zero, and it really shouldn't have ended like this.

We look to Wizznutzz to guide us through the darkness:

I should have known. No juice is tuffer than the fresh-squeezed brine of inevitable defeat. And that is the brine in which we shall pickle for the next six months, until fruitless hope worms up its bare Ruffinian head once again next October. ...But until then we have two more weeks of futile spasming, like a still-beating heart torn from a disbelieving man-breast.

It's gonna be hard.

Gilbert Arenas Out At Least Two Months [ESPN's True Hoop]
Mothering Hut Fashions Make It To Prime Time [Wizznutzz]

If you slept at all, chances are, you slept more peacefully than Michael Ruffin last night. Between the guilt, the "Dear God, what have I done" thoughts, and the endless "Thanks a lot, dickhead" phone calls from teammates, Michael Ruffin probably didn't sleep well.

I understand the "let's just chuck the ball into the air" play. It can eat a second or two, no one can foul you... the game just ends peacefully. But if you're going to do it with three full seconds left, you're going to need to get a little more velocity on the ball than that, and you might want to think about throwing it away from the other team's basket.

Anyway, Mo Peterson's shot sent the game into overtime, where, predictably, the Raptors cruised. I don't know if the Wizards have a team sports psychologist, but if they do, he or she has their hands full over the next couple of days.

MoPete Buzzer Beater [YouTube]

But the Wizznutzz crew has a serious challenge today from Chuck Klosterman, who digs deep into the Arenas ethos in an upcoming edition of The New York Times' sports magazine PLAY. (Full disclosure: We have a story in the next issue of PLAY as well, but it's not nearly as good as Klosterman's.) The general (and simplified) thesis of Klosterman on Arenas: His weirdness is not necessarily a construction but a pure and honest expression of a unique and consistently calculating soul. The money quote:

"Sometimes you have to create your own legacy, and that is what I have done. There is no quirkiness about me. I just lash out at things, but it's lighthearted. The freak part of me is not that I'm going to take 60 pills to get attention. I'm not that kind of freak. I just like to watch the Gummi Bears on TV. I'm not Ron Artest. I'm a character. The things I do, the things I say — these are things I sit in my house and think about. I know what I'm doing."

When you get past the "Arenas watches the Gummi Bears!" soundbite lunacy, Klosterman does an outstanding job of pointing out why Arenas' weirdness is less interesting in of itself, and more fascinating because it's so open and admitted. And why, seriously, it's damned near impossible not to root for Gilbert Arenas.

Vote For Gilbert [PLAY Magazine]
ENORMOUS AGENT ZERO INCITE 2 [Wizznutzz]

(UPDATE: Wait ... The Gummi Bears have a show?)

As always, the greatest moments of All-Star Weekend happen when the "game" isn't actually on, and The 700 Level found perhaps the best one. During a commercial break, Gilbert Arenas — of course — decided to satisfy a lifelong curiosity and, playing along with the "entertainment," dunked off a trampoline.

We guarantee you every member of the Washington Wizards front office, when they saw Arenas walking over to the trampoline, went into cardiac arrest. Oh, and what this must have done to Abe Pollin's prostate.

Gilbert Arenas Dunks Off A Trampoline At All Star Game [The 700 Level]

Gilbert... did not get his 50. Unless he meant that his points, field goals attempted, free throws attempted, rebounds, assists, steals, turnovers, fouls, and three pointers attempted would all combine to equal 50. In that case, hey, mission accomplished. Gilbert called his shot. That number was 52. And the final score was Blazers 94, Wizards 73.

In 33 minutes, Gilbert had 9 points, was 0-of-8 from behind the three-point line, 3-of-15 from the floor, and had 2 assists against 5 turnovers. The "Zero" in "Agent Zero" today referred to his production. Gilbert's at his best when he's not trying to force the greatness, but letting it come to him.

Trail Blazers @ Wizards Game Info [NBA.com]

I don't think anyone was hurt in the fight, at least not as badly as the last time they tangled, and Haywood pulled a couple of Thomas's dreadlocks out. Tell you what, though ... no poet has been that eager to kick ass since the WWF days of Leaping Lanny Poffo. From the Washington Post:

"San Antonio just beat us by what seemed like a hundred but I guess all that matters to him is he didn't get the minutes he thinks he deserves, so he's mad, which results in a displacement of anger," Thomas said. "What does he think, that throwing a cheap shot at me is going to keep him on the floor? Bottom line, I'm not putting up with any garbage from Brendan Todd Haywood, but at the same time, I do feel bad and upset with myself for allowing him to bait me."

Something about Etan Thomas using Haywood's middle name just cracks me up. Anytime I refer to Haywood now (which, granted, is extremely rare), he will be Brendan Todd Haywood.

Unfortunately, the DC Sports Bog doesn't appear to operate on Saturdays, but perhaps on Monday, he'll have some details on this. Perhaps there's even video, given the Wizards proclivity for recording practice-time hijinx.

Wizards Suspend Thomas for Fight [Washington Post]
Etan Thomas Has Got Your Peace RIGHT HERE [Deadspin]
DeShawn Stevenson Doesn't Care About His Money [Deadspin]

What if I told you that at a Wizards practice yesterday, Gilbert Arenas and DeShawn Stevenson had a contest where Gilbert shot 100 one-handed college three-pointers vs. DeShawn Stevenson shooting 100 two-handed NBA three-pointers... and they bet $20,000 on it. Would that pique your interest? Might that be something you wanted to watch?

Well, with many thanks to the exceptional D.C. Sports Bog... here you go, complete with Gilbert's taunting, flopping, and poor attempt at backspinning:

Gil vs. DeShawn [DC Sports Bog]
Gil vs. DeShawn, the Video [DC Sports Bog]

• The Hibachi Will Not Run On Solar Power. So ... we're assuming that the Gilbert Arenas Revenge Tour is good for only one win per team? That's kind of lame. After scoring 54 against the Suns the last time the teams played, Arenas scored 31 — but started 1-for-6 from the floor — on Tuesday as the Suns clobbered the Wizards 127-105. Steve Nash scored 27 points for Phoenix on 11-for-13 shooting and had 14 assists as the Suns won their 14th straight. Remember the teams' previous meeting in Phoenix, when Washington won in overtime as Arenas scored 54 and was yelling "Hibachi" after each of his scores? That was fun.

• Are You Not Entertained? When do the Suns next play the Mavericks, because we kind of want to see that in person. Let's see ... March 14. In Dallas. Well, maybe one of them will fall apart by then. Dirk Nowitzki's 33 points, 10 rebounds and eight assists led the Mavericks to a 111-95 win over Orlando on Tuesday, Dallas' 35th win of the season, and 21st in their past 22 games.

• The Dynamic Duo Strike Again. Meanwhile, the Nuggets are preparing to crash the party, as they claimed their fifth straight win in the second round of the Allen Iverson/Carmelo Anthony Experience Starring Steve Blake. Anthony, in his second game back after a suspension, scored 34, with Iverson scoring 21, as Denver beat Seattle 117-112. Blake had two key 3-pointers in the late going. Iverson also scored his 20,000th career point, which was subtracted from his game totals and sent to the NBA Hall of Fame in a ziplock baggie.

• All The NOOCH That's Fit To Print. Hey, and Iverson's old team is even winning! Kyle Korver had 25 points as Philadelphia beat New Orleans 102-96.

• Zero Calories, Zero Aftertaste. That Kobe-as-MVP talk is a little premature, don't you think? Gilbert Arenas is making a strong case for himself; his 3-pointer a the buzzer capped a 51-point effort in Washington's 114-111 win over the Jazz. "MVP? That trophy is given out at the end of the year," Arenas said. "This is (37) games into the season, so you can't do too much about it. Right now, Steve Nash is above everybody. You have to really do something dramatic in this league. If Kobe averages 35 with an 81 and he didn't get it, you have to do something else in this league to overtake what Steve Nash has done." We agree.

• I Am the Sun King. Meanwhile, the Suns have won 10 straight after their 137-122 win over the Grizzlies on Monday, in which Amare Stoudemire had a season-high 42 points. And we think we all saw this coming. You have to admire Memphis for just showing up these days.

• Cook Turns On The Heat. The big showdown: Kobe Bryant 25, Dwayne Wade 35, and Brian Cook 25 ... wait, what was that last one? Former Illini Cook, averaging 7.0 points per game going in, hit the go-ahead 3-pointer in overtime as the Lakers beat Miami 124-118 on Monday night to snap the Heat's four-game winning streak.

• Hush Hush, Sweet Charlotte. Milwaukee's newest player, 5-foot-5 Earl Boykins, scored 30 in his second game for the Bucks, and 7-foot Andrew Bogut had 27 points and 11 rebounds in Milwaukee's 99-91 win over Charlotte.

Witness the following exchange after last night's win over the Bulls, from blogger Information Leafblower:

Leaf: "Gil, how would rate your swag tonight?"
Gilbert Arenas: [laughs] "It was a mellow swag until the end."
Leaf: "Is there a scale? Can you get better than phenomenal or is that the top?"
Gilbert Arenas: "No, phenomenal is the top. Phenomenal swag is the top swag."
Leaf: "So mellow swag is in the middle?"
Gilbert Arenas: "Yeah, you're just chilling."

We have no idea how this guy doesn't have his own church yet.

Leaf Vs. Agent Zero, Round Two [Information Leafblower]

Busta [Rhymes, we presume] just got out on bail and when he came out people were jacked up. I'm not sure he knew where he was. He kept telling us we were dressed too nice and we needed to get loud. And he kept wishing us a happy '07 like it was a New Year's party. Finally at the end, he wished Gil a happy birthday, and said "that mother[effer's] been puttin' some serious mother[effin'] points on that scoreboard."

Whenever I saw Gil he just looked like a kid in a candy store, as if he couldn't believe all of this was here for him. Every time he got around the crowd, people started the MVP chant. All of the other white dudes kept giving us the knowing head nod. Yeah ... we're white AND we're at Love!

This is pretty close to what our last birthday party was like, though rather than an ice sculpture, we had karaoke. That counts, right?

"He Looked Like A Kid In A Candy Store [The Fanhouse]
The Key To Any Good Party Is The Ice Sculpture [Deadspin]

"Everybody get drunk and make bad decisions." That's his advice? And I'm supposed to trust his shot selection?

Oh, and here's a shot of the Gilbert Arenas ice sculpture. I think this picture was taken later in the party, because it appears to have been pretty well melted. Either that, or Calvin Booth spent ten minutes humping it.

UPDATE: Wizznutzz has their own details on Gilbert's Party, and... you really don't want to miss these.

THE WHOLE TOWN IS GOING CRAZY ABOUT THE JOLLY SWAGMAN'S BIRTHDAY PARTY!!! [The Wizznutzz]
Exclusive Arenas Express Soiree Incites!! [The Wizznutzz]

Gilbert Arenas Wants His Guests Drunk [NBA FanHouse]
More Guerilla Media from Arenas's Big 2-5 [NBA FanHouse]

"He says it every time he shoots. Everybody hears it - whenever Gilbert talks, everybody hears. He really was screaming it this morning in the shootaround, so 'hibachi' it is. He's on fire, so 'hibachi."'

"You know, a hibachi grill gets real hot. That's what my shot's like, so I've been calling it that: 'Welcome to the hibachi."'

Arenas Helps Lead Wizards Over Bobcats [Forbes.com]
Hibachi! Arenas Stays Hot In Win Over Bobcats [NBA FanHouse]

PlayStation 3, Nintendo Wii
Man, I couldn't get it. I stood outside no hours and got nothing. That's when you sit in your room and try to use your celebrityism. I didn't get nothing. I knew I should have called and said I was D-Wade. "Um, hello, this is D-Wade ... This is LeBron ... Can I come over there and get one of them?" Then I would have had one.

Actually, I do love coming to the NBA Studios because it means I'm going to be on TV. I'm about to get ready to do the Ahmad Rashad show . That's great. That's the second time of my career. I'm getting big now! People, I'm getting big. Y'all better watch out. Me and Ahmad go back like stocking caps and waves. We're gonna be tight.
All-Star Voting Time
I know ballots are out. I know Puffy had the Vote or Die, you know, with them shirts. You know, I want to have, "If no one votes for me, I'm not going to do anymore blogs."

It is a wonderful, replenishly awesome read, and we can't get enough of it. We find it hypnotic. We think we're gonna have a hamburger and call it turkey too.

Gilbert Arenas' Blog [NBA.com]

(Photo from the invaluable Wizznutzz Arenas photo gallery.)

The deal: Thomas was angry about comments from Haywood's agent about Thomas, who recently "won" the starting job over Haywood. Thomas threw a punch, and Haywood "responded to the punch by body-slamming Thomas to the ground, tearing out at least two of Thomas' dreadlocks in the process." It's actually the second fight between the two; Haywood was suspended a game last year for another fight with Thomas.

We'll say this: We're not the least bit surprised Brendan Haywood is a hair-puller.

Centers Thomas, Haywood Reportedly In Recent Fight [Washington Post]
Etan Thomas, Brendon Haywood Set Record For Wussiest Fight Ever Between Two NBA Centers [No One Appreciates Me]

No site captures this feel more than the great Free Darko, which we read like a doctor's chart every day during the NBA season. They understand the dichotomy between individual achievement and collective glory, and how those are not mutually exclusive. And they've got a way with letters too.

Therefore, we've asked them to look at the arcs of certain players going into this season, what 2006-07 means to them, their teams and their legacies. They'll be previewing a player a day, up to tipoff next Tuesday.

Today: Gilbert Arenas. Your author is Bethlehem Shoals. After the jump.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-

In '05-06, Gilbert Arenas was putting up a wondrous 28.2 points per game at the break, but failed to make the All-Star team. Indignant and emboldened, he got in on a technicality the week of, and then looked jittery and out of place the few times he touched the ball. He propelled his Washington Wizards to their second straight playoff visit, only to have LeBron's shadow bury this accomplishment. In a scorching six-game series, the Mad Cuban went blow-for-blow with The King, only to choke on a pair of late game free-throw misses so strange they were almost forgivable. Team USA? Came, saw, impressed, offended ... and was cast out under a cloud of right wing conspiracy. Revenge has been promised.

Arenas has claimed that he's not quirky, and no athlete today does as much to confuse — and charm — us fans as Agent Zero. Maybe there's a reasonable explanation for all of his legendary pranks and habits, and maybe the press has gone out of its way to paint this interesting guy as a nude maniac. But the bottom line is ... well, there is no such solid thing. How exactly do you make sense of the NBA's most eccentric figure asking a reporter what eccentric means? A borderline superstar so underrated he becomes a scrappy underdog? A reckless, streaky performer who logs endless hours in the gym? A shoot-first point guard who's virtually impossible to dislike? Calling anything "Zen-like" should be avoided at all costs, but at this point Arenas is more bottomless riddle than one-note lightweight.

The question lingers, though, if Gilly Gil can indeed raise up and hit that rich note required of true franchise gawdz. FreeDarko is all for the uniqueness, and certainly the NBA could use a few more full-fledged personalities like His Zeroness. Still, it's hard for a leader to rally others if his emotional logic makes sense only to him, or requires extensive rationalization. Even if he cedes the veter