Take the Pledge: I Will Not Have Sex With Anyone Who Wears an AppleWatch

Imagine: you're lying in bed, the perfume of lovemaking still stinging your nostrils and firing your neurons, legs tangled with your partner. Baby, that sex with you was so good, you coo, rolling over—only to discover that your partner is wearing a gold miniature smartphone on his wrist. Don't ever let this happen.

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Save 20% on a Huge Variety of Watches Today on Amazon

They might not vibrate every time you get an email, or need to be plugged in every night like smart watches, but...well actually, dumb watches sound pretty great. If all you need from a wearable are clean looks and a clock, Amazon is taking 20% off hundreds of different models right now with promo code 20TIME14.