• The Oaks Christian High School football team will be loaded with celebrity offspring this year: Vying for the quarterback position this year will be Joe Montana's son, Nicholas, against Wayne Gretzky's son, Trevor Gretzky. And whomever wins the quarterback battle will get the opportunity to throw to...Will Smith's son, Trey. I wonder if those guys will be popular? [Lion In Oil]

• So, you're saying this man's involved in waste management and has anxiety problems?: This upstanding gold-chained palooka is obviously vying for the Yankees' third base coach job. Bobby Meacham doesn't need this kind of pressure going into the second half of the season. [Tirico Suave]

•Enter the swine: Iowa's new AHL hockey team name? The Chops. Like, the meat. Not like the "Changing Homosexuals Into Ordinary People" action group.Because designing a logo for such an affiliation might be challenging. [Puck Daddy]

Rooney's friends are thought to have bought a £9.95 copy of the item and are planning to make him wear it.

The mankini was chosen after Coleen reportedly banned the stag group from raunchier games.

On Thursday, the star spent an estimated £2,500 for a five-hour trip around the island on a £23 million sailing yacht.

The mankini might sound cheap at 10 pounds, but with the weakened dollar, by my calculations that's actually 900 bucks. Seriously, pick a non-recession time to take a trip to London.

Anyway, Kickette had some photos late this past week, as does Unprofessional Foul. Yabba habba, that's disturbing.

While I harbor no love for his team or his coach — who, until the Special One came along, was the most insufferable blowhard in the Prem — I take no great joy in Wayne Rooney's latest mishap. (OK, some joy: I like the irony that England's two biggest soccer brands— Beckham and Rooney — are both doing their Heather Mills impression at the same time.) As if he hasn't suffered enough, what with those huge gambling debts and the whole grannies-in-the-brothel-thing , the lad just can't catch a, um, break.

Not for a second after he limped off holding his shoe at halftime did I think:

a) a Rooney-less United is good for Arsenal;
b) let's hope he doesn't heal until AFTER England's Euro Cup qualifier against Israel;
c) That's karmic payback for ManU's role in the sordid Carlos Tevez saga;
d) Put down a $100 bet at Ladbrokes on Tevez to be the Prem's leading scorer;
e) all of the above.

(more after the jump)

No, that is just the kind of churlish behavior I have vowed to eschew this season. After all, as my friend Stevie Q, a Chelsea fan, used to say to me "It's a small man who measures himself by the things he hates."

Or, to put it another way, the world would be a better place if we got rid of all the anti-Spurites.

So there will be no gloating from me about Tottenham losing at the death to newly promoted Sunderland. It's a shame, really, that the gazillions Martin Jol spent on new players to get the Spurs into Europe for the first time since the Berlin Wall fell could not overcome a bunch of plucky Cats who this time last year were being scraped off the bottom of the Coca-Cola Championship.

Nor was I the least bit pleased that Chelsea fell behind 1-0 at home to newly promoted Birmingham City and might have had to settle for a draw had it not been for some AYSO goalkeeping on the part of City's Colin Doyle. (All right, I did have a flashback to Essian's thunderbolt against Arsenal in the Carling Cup, and thought if he had hit it as meekly as he did against Birmingham, Lehmann might have saved it ... but I'm only human.) And thank God that Drogba was not seriously injured — how great was it to see him running around with his head swathed in a bloody bandage like the Spirit of '76? — because he's so vital to Chelsea's fortunes.

So intent am I to spread harmony throughout the Prem, I didn't even resent Sven-Goran Eriksson's triumphant return to English football at the expense of my SECOND favorite team, West Ham United. It's truly remarkable what ol' Sven has done in assembling a team of the Best Players You Never Heard Of That Money Can Buy in just a few short weeks at Man City. Let a more cynical man than me point out that this is the same clueless Swedish horndog who shagged his boss's secretary (let he who is without sin bicycle-kick the first stone?), was duped by a tabloid reporter posing as a fake sheikh and guided England to the heights of mediocrity by over-relying on his sainted troika of Beckham, Owen and Lampard. Of course, City's 2-0 win could have had something to do with how crap West Ham was. The Hammers looked as if they hadn't gotten the news that they were still in the Prem and not in the Championship, where some mean people from Sheffield thought they belonged for THEIR role in the Tevez fiasco.

But nothing tested my newfound generosity of spirit more than the first 51 seconds of Arsenal's game against Fulham. For one thing, it was SEVEN o'clock on a SUNDAY morning when I turned up at Kinsale, and because of New York's antidiluvian drinking laws, you couldn't get a drink for FIVE HOURS, although it should be pointed out that I had anticipated this the night before and compensated as well as I could.

For another, ever since he cost us the European Cup two years ago, I've been waiting to say Auf Wiedersehn to Lehmann. So when he handled Clichy's back pass with all the aplomb of a Special Olympian, it took every ounce of my self-restraint not to yell ,"You stupid fuckin' Kraut" at the screen.

But that was the old me. The new me just muttered "Tough luck, son, chin up." God, how agonizing those next 80 minutes were. For a while, as the Gunners pinged the ball around at the edge of the box. perhaps under the impression it was the number of passes, not goals, that counted, I thought I had time-traveled back to last season except for one thing; There was no sulking Frenchman in an Arsenal shirt to rescue us with a flash of genius. Oh, Rosicky, Hleb and Van Persie all buzzed with menace at various times, but Arsenal owes its victory — and Lehmann his life — to a couple of Americans.

Let's face it, had Bocanegra not body-checked Toure as the Ivorian defender came hurtling into the penalty area, and had Dempsey not screwed his shot wide with the goal at his mercy in the 77th minute, I might not be in such a forgiving mood today. As it was, I bought a round (Leitch, you owe me $2,674) for all the Deadspin degenerates at the bar (we were honored by Cardillo's presence, but lose the do-rag, ok?) except for one. Mid-Table Mikey could not bear to watch the end of the Arsenal game after the tragedy that befell his beloved Spurs against Sunderland. But, given his pain, we raised a glass in his honor anyway. All together now: Here's to Relegation-Zone Mikey!

Because we're in the mood to be kind of cheap today. Sometimes, circumstances collide to provide, in the midst of chaos, a rare moment of truth.

(Via Knees Up Mother Brown)

Five tiny tidbits on Wayne Rooney:

• Loves musicals, particularly Grease, and enjoys singing songs from Oliver!

• Loves soap operas, avidly follows Coronation Street and EastEnders.

• Named his dogs Fizz and Bella after characters in children's show Tweenies.

• As a teenager, had poster of soccer star Duncan Ferguson on his wall at school.

• Says his favorite novels are the Harry Potter series.

21 Things About Roo [The Mirror]

We've made fun of those video game motion capture things before, seeing as they're mostly photo ops for athletes like J.J. Redick (!!!) to pretend their movements are somehow scientific. Well, the creators of FIFA 07 have appropriately mocked this convention in a series of legitimately amusing ads. Our favorite is this one with Wayne Rooney, complete with ass-kicking action.

Easy, Wayne, Easy [Soccernista]
Yeah, We Want To Simulate THIS Guy [Deadspin]

• Chelsea 3-0 Manchester City. I'm not even sure that City was on the field today. This was a Globetrotters vs. Generals type of situation, with Chelsea doing whatever they wanted. John Terry scored, Frank Lampard scored, Didier Drogba scored, and Shaun Wright-Phillips added insult to injury when he pantsed Joey Barton and then hit him with a bucket of confetti. City was deadful.

• Wayne Rooney's mad a the FA. Little Wayne was handed a three-game suspension by England's Football Association for a red card that he picked up in a preseason friendly, and he told them today that if they don't overturn it, he won't be participating in any promotional work or personal appearances, nor can they use his likeness in any promotional materials. Pretty ballsy move by Rooney, and probably not something that could be pulled off by any other player in England. The FA's now either got to cave in completely, or risk alienating a player that can't do without.

• Wayne insists that his genital-stomp of Ricardo Carvalho in England's World Cup quarterfinal loss to Portugal was not intentional. Said little Wayne, "If you think about it, if I'd done it deliberately, if it had been a definite stamp meant to harm him, the fella would still be in hospital to this day. But he was up on his feet in minutes, no worse for wear." I guess he's got a point there.

• He can't sleep without the light on, the TV on, and a vacuum cleaner running.

• He cried in the locker room after the loss to Portugal. Not because of the loss, but because of the sympathy his teammates had for him. "The players came over to me, one by one, and said things like: 'Don't worry, Wazza, it wasn't your fault.' That was when, for the first time, I felt a few tears come into my eyes."

• He admits to patronizing a prostitute, but says it occurred when he was 16, and he just did, "what lots of lads have always done for a few laughs." He calls it his biggest regret and something he's ashamed of.

• He, almost unfortunately, harbors no ill feelings towards Cristiano Ronaldo. Wayne says there was nothing but good-luck wishes between the two before the match, and that he sent Ronaldo a text message after the match against Portugal wishing him good luck through the rest of the tournament.

Wayne Rooney Scares Me [Mr. Irrelevant]
Rooney's revelations [Telegraph.co.uk]
'I can't sleep without the vacuum or hair dryer on' [DNA Sport]
Stamp was not deliberate - Rooney [BBC Sport]

And, unfortunately, a large part of the story will be another dubious red card. It went against Wayne Rooney, after he stepped on Ricardo Carvalho's balls (edit: and then shoved Cristiano Ronaldo). The wang stomp didn't look intentional, but he was sent off, leaving England a man down for much of the second half. And they missed him when it came down to kicks, as Gerrard, Lampard, and Carragher all missed.

Cristiano Ronaldo might want to push for a transfer to get himself out of the English Premier League, too. There was a heated confrontation between him and Rooney after Rooney's red card, and if Rooney doesn't beat his ass soon, some English hooligan probably will.

Brazil/France is at 3, for the last spot in the semifinals.

England 1-3 Portugal (pk) [FIFA World Cup]

This Nike ad featuring England young turk Wayne Rooney, apparently, is drawing all kinds of ire in England.

"This is such a horrible image and is so horribly war-like that it can only be described as Nike being crass, offensive and insensitive as they try to hitch poor old Rooney to their commercial band-wagon," said Labour MP Stephen Pound.

Other said it was too Christ-like. Our only real question: Did they paint Rooney's body exceptionally white? Because he's not really that English pasty, is he?

Nike Attacked Over Rooney Picutre [Daily Mail]

• America's first opponent in the World Cup, the Czech Republic, hammered Trinidad & Tobago earlier today. Jan Koller had two goals and assisted on a third. Now would be a good time to start working up that lather of hatred from Jan Koller. Just for comparison's sake, the last two times the United States has played T&T, they've won 2-1, and 1-0.

• England's manager, Sven-Goran Eriksson, has named Peter Crouch as a starter for England's opening game against Paraguay. And it makes sense, considering that Crouch had a hat trick today in England's final warm-up, a 6-0 ghetto-stomping of Jamaica. Michael Owen also had a goal in his first full 90 minute game of the year. And we've still got quite a ways to go to heal Wayne Rooney's foot.

• And, finally, your hooliganism update: The Germans want to beat the hell out of the Poles. Last November, when the two teams played a friendly, 46 Polish hooligans took on 38 German hooligans, and the Poles just whooped some ass. And, as bad of a person as it makes me, if the rematch was televised, I'd watch it, and if Vegas had odds on it, I'd put some money down on the Poles. I hope there's at least a reporter there to tell us who wins.

In today's last piece of World Cup news, we introduce you to Graham Paramore, from New Zealand. He says he can "assist you with some of Excel's abundance of features," which is good, since we didn't know Excel had that many. But, oh, it does, including this truly outstanding World Cup spreadsheet, which is packed with automatically updating standings, scores, what-not. We'll be following along using it, and we suspect you'll want to as well.

Parry's FIFA World Cup 2006 for Excel [Graham Paramore]
You Can Help Heal Wayne Rooney [The Mighty MJD]
Heal Rooney [Official Site]