Football players telling you what they like in a woman, to be specific. Surprisingly, it takes more than knowing which hotel they're staying in to have a chance with these hopeless romantics.

Some highlights:

Cosmo: What's a dating pet peeve you have?
Kerry Rhodes: "A pet peeve of mine is when a woman acts like she's not as hungry as she really is and all she orders is a salad. I'm like, 'Baby, please eat!'"

Cosmo: What's something a woman might say that would turn you off?
Matt Cassel: "I had garlic for lunch."

Cosmo: What's something a woman might say that you'd like to hear?
David Anderson: "'You don't have to pay for that.' Kidding. I would always be a gentleman and take care of the bill, of course...but really, it's always nice to hear a woman say, 'Thank you.' Those two words go a long way."

Cosmo: What's a piece of dating advice you wish women knew?
Wes Welker: "Call me so you know where I am, follow me to see if I'm doing what I say I'm doing, hire a private investigator...but whatever you do, do not snoop through my e-mail or cell phone!

Cosmo: What's something a woman can do on a first date to guarantee a second one?
Terrell Owens: "Good communication is the key to keeping my interest. Every man notices a woman's looks first, but a beautiful mind and great conversation is what intrigues me."

To sum up: Kerry Rhodes likes 'em thick, Matt Cassel is a jackass, David Anderson is just happy the media's talking to him, Wes Welker is a weirdo, and Terrell Owens is a liar.

Exclusive! Dating Tips from Sexy NFL Stars [Cosmopolitan]

There's really no way to describe Sunday's hit by Ryan Clark on Wes Welker unless you're familiar with the Roadrunner cartoons. The one scene I'm thinking of is where a giant boulder is hurtling down toward the coyote, who only has time to open a tiny parasol before the inevitable impact. This may have been worse.

A flag was thrown on Clark due to Welker being in a "defenseless position." And suddenly the Lions have found a loophole in which they benefit on every play.

From the Steelers' point of view this may have been a worthwhile penalty; a statement that not only were they in control of the game, but that the Patriots Epoch may be at an end. Although that looks like a good way to get someone killed.

As bad as that was, this looks like it may have been worse

Video courtesy of BlackSportsOnline.

Burgher Joint [Boston Globe]

In case you forgot, Welker went to the Patriots in time for the 2007 season for draft picks from Miami. And PFP was quite critical of New England's newest acquisition:

Here's an important lesson to learn: Sometimes, players can be useful, but not worth devoting real resources to. Welker's a helpful player, [but] who does he remind you of? Right, Troy Brown, the player he's replacing on the Patriots. [They] have something else in common: The former was an eighth-round pick, the latter undrafted. That's because their skill set isn't a difficult one to find. Projected stats: 51 catches, 684 yards, 5 TDs

Ouch! Let me check with the Argentine judge there...yeah, that's a burn.

Welker responded the way that most white people do, with a little pouting and a lot of productivity. He caught 112 balls which led the fucking league, scored 8 TDs (15th best in the league) and accounted for 1175 passing yards (11th best). How many times did Troy Brown crack the 1,000-yard mark in a season? One fucking time (2001), and he wasn't playing next to Randy Moss, either.

But having said that, I still recommend the 2008 edition. They're almost always on target, though they still need to work on their "deceptive speed" variable.

A few members of the New England Patriots got crazy karaoke-style for Larryoke, a charity event organized by Pats' special teams captain Larry Izzo. Those in attendance were blown away by Wes Welker's belly button rendition of "MacArthur Park". That thing's got some pipes.

Some other highlights include a near-shirtless Kelly Washington grinding on a woman's thigh and Mike Vrabel giving some quality jazz hands. Had he shown those early in his career, he might have been able to earn a roster spot with the Steelers. All the meshugas can be viewed on this handy Flickr photo stream.

Where's coach Belichick? You're telling me he can't mumble through a take on Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats." So much for rehabbing that image, Cheatsy McChesturecheat.

UPDATE: Here's video courtesy of those big greasy gay mafia dons at Kissing Suzy Kolber:

The question is broken down Dr. Jack-style, and takes in all possible variables.

Nearly every major party will take place in Scottsdale, many of them right near the Patriots' hotel. Nearby Barcelona will be hosting several major parties, including the NFL Players Association Party and the Sports Illustrated Party. Other major parties in Scottsdale include the Maxim Party, Terrell Owens' bash, the Bud Bowl, several block parties, the Leather & Laces Party (with Carmen Electra and Catherine Bell), the Saturday Night Spectacular (featuring John Travolta & REO Speedwagon!), the ESPN the Magazine Party, the Penthouse Party and the Deadspin Super Bowl Party. Okay, maybe the Deadspin Super Bowl Party isn't a major party, but it's the only one I have a chance in hell of attending, so it makes the cut. P. Diddy and Snoop Dogg are providing the entertainment at all of the above parties. The only exception is the performance by Doug Flutie and the Flutie Brothers Band at Mickey's Hangover. Diddy will really be scraping the bottom of the barrel if he has to sample the Flutie Brothers Band.

We have zero doubt that Wes Welker is going to be arrested doing something untoward at the Saturday Night Spectacular with John Travolta and REO Speedwagon. There's your winner.

Which Team is More Likely to Have Someone Get Into Trouble, Giants or Patriots? [FanIQ]