Raul Quintana owned a number of condos on exclusive Fisher Island, just off of Miami Beach. One day last year, he rented out one of the units to a "representative from a modeling agency" that wanted to hold a "photo shoot." You can imagine where this went.

Yes, the "photo shoot" turned out to be the filming of "A Sexy Golfing Experience," on the high-class site "Ass Parade." We'll let the Miami New Times pick it up from here.

The film is no innovation in cinema. In it, Tony, a ratty-looking dude with a thin beard and designer shades, commandeers a golf cart - clearly displaying Quintana's apartment number - to rendezvous with Devon on a Fisher Island golf green. After the dirty-blond porn starlet does some butt-focused putting, the lovers drive to Quintana's condo on a golf cart with a pudgy, bearded dolly grip riding on the rear.

Once in the apartment, they head to the balcony, where, in broad daylight and full view of any neighbor who might glance out a window, Tony applies baby oil to Devon's buttocks for five minutes. They then go inside and run through the usual battery of positions, with only a thin white towel separating their carnal intermingling from Quintana's brown suede couch and matching chaise lounge. Other scenes involve possible staining of one of the homeowner's throw pillows and his carpet. The 40-minute film is viewable for a buck at Bangbros.com, where online connoisseurs gave it a rating of 8.1 out of a possible 10.

Word got around, as it usually does with these things. Quintana lost guest privileges for his condos, was relegated to an inferior boarding position on the island's ferry, and eventually was banned from the Fisher Island Club altogether. (These are very bad things in the world of the rich.)

Quintana is suing Bangbros.com, saying they "really banged my life." (That's an actual quote.) But, you know, there seems to be an uptick in the market for golf-themed pornos these days. So maybe it's not all bad.

Golf Porn On Ritzy Fisher Island [Miami New Times]

The official caption for this photo says it was taken after a World Cup qualifier between Mozambique and Kenya in September. The only problem is that I can't tell if this guy's team won or not. It's a thin line between tears of joy and tears of tear gas. That's soccer for you.

Anyway, I found this picture on the Boston Globe's awesome "Big Picture" feature, which just launched part one of its "2009 in photos" review. It's haunting, sad, funny, bizarre and very, very cool. Take some time for yourself this morning to check it out.

2009 in photos (part 1 of 3) [The Big Picture]

[Photo: Riot police contain supporters of Mozambique's national soccer team after their World Cup 2010 qualifying soccer match against Kenya in Maputo, September 6, 2009. (REUTERS/Grant Lee Neuenburg)]

Honorable Mention: Cliff Lee. From the Indians to the Phillies to the Mariners in six months. How lucky can one guy get?

Yes. I know. Today is slow. Here are the top 10 Google keywords that have shipped outside readers to Deadspin.

1. deadspin
341,517 4.08 00:05:30 14.23% 29.14%
2.
deadspin.com
45,713 4.11 00:05:30 30.35% 25.29%
3.
bill simmons wife picture
32,091 3.40 00:05:24 0.28% 35.26%
4.
andrei kirilenko masha woman (sleep or bed or sex)
31,234 1.28 00:00:33 89.12% 87.82%
5.
deads
21,292 3.88 00:05:44 8.37% 26.30%
6.
dead spin
12,826 4.07 00:04:52 21.10% 29.43%
7.
tiger woods accident
11,305 1.88 00:01:23 90.46% 60.11%
8.
www.deadspin.com
9,143 3.81 00:06:03 11.52% 28.36%
9.
bill simmons wife
8,761 3.47 00:05:13 2.83% 35.89%
10.
mina brees

And as anyone who has a blog knows, the deeper you dive into this list, the more bizarre and unexplainable it becomes. Here are some of my favorites:

22. blazer girl

73. ambien sex

120. Lee Corso merkin

124. run you stupid dinosaur

167. 917-854-3630 (*my phone number)

I don't know how to read this information or what it tells anyone about how to make the site better, other than it appears, like many other sites, there are lots of people stumbling upon our site while they troll for masturbation-worthy photos on the internet. (I'm referring to "Lee Corso Merkin," of course.)

Anyway, chew on that for a while and offer any and all insights that may shed light on the dark corners of the internet. I'm gonna crap.

A lot of people wrote in about this, and like vandalism, whippits, and underage drinking, it's all a by-product of some bored kids looking to have a good time. For starters, Comcast wants it known that they are not responsible for providing the descriptions themselves. The data for their on-screen guide is compiled by a company called Rovi, formerly Macrovision, which is a remnant of the listings division of the old TV Guide. (They still own the trademark, which is why you see the TV Guide logo on Comcast and other cable systems.) In some instances, all the program data is submitted by the channel itself, but the rest is compiled and edited by Rovi's schedulers and editors. Editors who must do something make their lives meaningful.

I just spoke to a secret Rovi employee who confirmed what I suspected all along—boredom. The editors who write game descriptions are constrained by a stylebook and a character limit (it has to fit on the cable system's screen, after all) and the fact there are only so many ways you can say, "The Clippers are playing the Warriors tonight." You would go slightly mad, too, if you had to do that for 40 hours a week.

Just for the record, we're not criticizing them for their choices. It's actually quite amusing and we'd would like to see them take their writing to greater heights. (And we'd still like to hear from an actual editor.) Try to work a plus/minus reference in there, will ya? (Also, they're hiring! Scheduling reporters don't get to write the descriptions, but it's a foot in the door!)

Finally, while a Comcast employee wanted to make it perfectly clear that they don't write the descriptions for NBA games, the Rovi employee wanted to make it perfectly clear that they don't write the descriptions for the cable company's On Demand service, because ... whoo-boy ... those are pretty bad.

Matt Barnes did lodge seven rebounds in 25 minutes (and 0-6 shooting), but was not that pivotal in the Magic's win over the Clippers. However, one might argue that Anthony Parker did more harm than good against the Grizzlies last night. (2 points, -11.) If only there were someone else in Cleveland's starting roster that might have drawn in more viewers....

By the way, if anyone reading this works for Comcast or knows someone who might be responsible for writing these magical blurbs, please contact us. We want to party with you, cowboy.

[Thanks to Joe, James and all the others who sent screengrabs.]

This spot featuring Roger Federer, Thierry Henry and Tiger Woods premiered in early 2008. Federer went from averaging double digit titles a year before the campaign, to totaling eight wins in the two years since. Henry has become a global goat for his handball. And Woods...you know.

David Beckham's contract with Gillette ran through 2007, the year he became the world's only superstar athlete who managed to fade into obscurity by playing in Los Angeles. Was this year's MLS Cup disappointment a direct result of his association with Gillette? It's tough to be certain, but yes. Yes it was.

This ad featuring Sergio Garcia premiered in the summer of 2008, right after El Nino won The Players Championship. He's 0 for 27 on the PGA Tour since.

Oh, and that other guy in the spot, Ricky Rubio? He had the misfortune of being taken by the Timberwolves, and scurried back to Spain.

The curse doesn't stop at "real" sports. John Cena signed a deal to become a Gillette pitchman in February of 2008, just after winning the Royal Rumble as a surprise entrant. But as well all know, he managed to lose three straight title matches in the next three months.

So how about Derek Jeter? The man's superhuman. Gillette ads, SI's Sportsman of The Year, and no divine retribution. If he manages to get himself on the cover of Madden 11, the universe may collapse in on itself.

"It's important to remember that a signature is how a person wants to be perceived by the public. It happens very often that a person's regular writing is completely different from the signature and reveals a different personality. In this case, the signature is more than just a scribble. There's a simplicity there. He wants to be understood."

"The entire name is written in a perfectly horizontal direction, almost as if there were an invisible line under it. It's rigid. This is probably due to his keen visual judgment and co-ordination, and here it suggests a certain level of calculation."

"The middle-zone letters are all nicely connected in a rounded, garlanded manner. It takes more time to connect letters in a rounded fashion than an angular one, and this is not often found in a signature. That shows a methodical and friendly approach to his everyday life and his work. An angry person would have jabby, angular connectors, more like a child's scribble. Tiger has warmth — calculated warmth. Also, the 'i' dot is way to the right. He's writing, and thinking, quickly. "

"Look at the 'g' and the 'o's. They're not closed like they should be. When you see open ovals, you can usually assume that the person likes to talk, and not necessarily in a straightforward manner. With criminals, we often see an open oval on the bottom of the letter. That's bad news. But that's not what we see here."

"The high upper zone indicates a high level of intelligence. It's very striving. The zone also speaks to the writer's superego. His upper zone is very straight and not loopy at all. It's rigid. Maybe he doesn't allow himself to have fun. Very often, people who consider themselves restrained have to loosen their chains and go the other way."

"The unusual formation of the 'W' has the last stroke pointing toward the left, which represents the past. In graphology, this direction is always analyzed as being past-oriented as long as the writing goes from left to right. Tiger is very past-oriented. That probably has to do with his father, though we don't know."

"On the other hand, the ending stroke of the 's' shows an energetic motion toward the right side of the paper, an orientation to the future. We call that horizontal energy. He's ambitious. He has a desire for perfection and success, and you can see it in the way he reaches out from the 's.' In addition, when you end a signature and pull the last letter to the right, is it always this straight? It usually goes a little up or even a little down. In his case, he's razor-sharp. It really does fit his professional personality to a T."

"The dramatic loop in the 'g' suggests physical well-being. Sometimes, a lower-zone loop looks like a moneybag. People who have those shapes in the lower zone are very often materialistic and money-hungry. His is not the shape of a moneybag. It's a very healthy-looking closed loop. It's sensual, and it indicates that, yes, he has a healthy sex drive."

I was at the Lions-Browns game last Sunday and it was a treasure trove of customizable weirdness. Unfortunately, all I had was my lousy cellphone camera and no interest in asking people to stand still for me so I could take a picture of their back. There's no explanation—especially the truth—that wouldn't make you look like a deranged loser in that situation, so my contributions are not all they could be. No regrets.

On a related note, I've noticed a trend whereby someone spends a lot of money on a jersey of their favorite player, only to later find out that this player is horrible. So in a sad attempt at vengeance/recycling, they use duct tape or markers to customize it again. It's often a form of protest against the fact that they contributed $100 to the career of someone terrible. Also, there were a surprising number of Brady Quinn jerseys on the numerous Brown fans who drove up from Toledo to Ford Field. So I put two and two together and got a lot of No. 10 jerseys with "QUEER" taped over the nameplate in our near future. It's the circle of clothing.

Anyway, on to Part V. Previous editions below.

Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV

Part Buckeye, Part Brown ... All Sweatpants.
Here's my photo skills at work. That's a Dre Bly jersey with the name crossed out and "Who?" written next to it in black tape. Why not Bert Blyleven?
Again, you can't make it out, but the nameplate reads "Quarterbacks of the Century" and contains four numbers. The best part is that Boomer Esiason can just assume No. 7 is him.
No idea.
Now you've taken a perfectly good Vikings jersey and ruined it twice. [Submitted by Kent O.]
These are allegedly British Patriot fans in London—sort of like Jewish Saints fans in Tel Aviv?—but they sure have a knack for this. (And by "this" I mean looking like yobs.) [Submitted by Jessica H.]
Does this guy need smaller shoulders or more back fat? I bet cheesesteaks would help. [Submitted by Jeffrey R.]
The jersey so nice she spilled beer on it twice. [Submitted by Joe E.]
Believe it or not, this photo isn't doctored. The kid wears that black thing on his face everytime his parents make him put on that stupid jersey. A last name like Stinkbutt is not an easy thing to live with. [Submitted by Dan]
But where are The Balls? [Submitted by Mitchell C.]
How many times have we told you.... do not be That Guy. [Submitted by Jon L.]
What did I just say? [Submitted by Julia A.]
Ok, now you're just being difficult. [Submitted by Jonathan S.]
I don't care what anyone says, the Superbad references will remain relevant for decades. [Submitted by Chad H. - @ Kauffman Stadium]
I think we would have figured it out without the shirt. [Submitted by JBrad]
What do you think he said to the bachelorette party as he passed? Oh to be a fly on that inflatable penis. [Submitted by Ben D.]
No one likes a show off. [Submitted by Neil M.]
I heard Babe Ruth actually tried to put that on his jersey once, but the letters were made out of bacon so he ate them in the on-deck circle. [Submitted by John S.]
If you say so ... [Submitted by Mahalvy]
Yeah, Phil Rivers does seem like an Ike and Tina fan. Or an Ike fan, anyway. [Submitted by Mahalvy]
You know what most jerseys need? More reading! [Submitted by Luke B.]
And scene.... [Submitted by Ryan I.]

Actually, this one's pretty badass.

Oddly, there's about five My Little Ponies for every team. But spend enough time there, and the word "oddly" loses all meaning.

From the artist's description: "This is Carmello Anthony made out of Chicken Mcnuggets From Mcdonalds. I decided to do him because He's on the NUGGETS! you just add a Mc in there and you've got food!"

I can't tell if the artist did anything to this picture. This is what Steve Kerr looked like, right?

Yes, that's Hunter Pence trying to rescue Lance Berkman, Carlos Lee and Miguel Tejada from a sandwich.

Be warned. There's a lot of furries.

I love the fact that Squirtle has a Jason Giambi cap.

Cowboys fans like a stacked top half...

While Avalance fans prefer their junk in the trunk.

There's also a good amount of slash fiction expressed here. If you don't know what slash fiction is, don't look it up.

What's this I don't even...

There's no art here. The user just scanned a photograph. For what purposes, I'm terrified to ask.

More furries.

Okay, they all have Red Wings. I get it. But why are they anime characters with vampire fangs?

Lakers bird just got told by Celtics rabbit.

Some sort of Giants stump playing a snare drum.

The devil ray, a perfectly fearsome creature, gets represented by a wolf. Whatever.

Enjoy your nightmare fuel.

From what I can decipher, there is some Japanese video game series called The King of Fighters, which I assume must be something like Mortal Kombat, just more Japanese-ey-ey. And since it is a Japanese product, there is a set of gaming cards associated with this particular video game. Shit, I wouldn't be surprised if there were Hentai Tentacle Porn gaming cards.

This is where some photoshopping wisenheimer comes in, photoshops the faces of NBA players on them and uploads them to a Flickr account. And I must say, he or she did a bang-up job. Here is but a sampling:

Sometimes, it's the little things that make you laugh. That reminds me, there hasn't been an amusing story about midgets in way too long.

SUPER!BASKETBALL!FIGHTING!EXCITEMENT!BATTLE! [Hardwood Paroxysm]
The Weirdest/Coolest Japanese Themed NBA Cards You Will Ever See [Last Angry Fan]

Producers recently released the full trailer for Pacquiao's latest movie—his 10th according to IMDb—and it is a doozy. The film is called Wapakman, and appears to be a semi-autobiographical tale of Manny's life as the world's greatest (only?) Pinoy superhero. It's got monsters, bikini babes, adorable kids, explosions and punching. In other words, it is awesome. Judging by the many homages to classic films in this clip, Wapakman looks like Ghostbusters, Spider-Man, Desperado, Superman, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, The Cider House Rules, every Jackie Chan movie ever, Rocky III and V (but not IV), Clash of the Titans, Gladiator, and Leonard, Part 6 all rolled into one.

Sadly, the film might be banned from the Metro Manila Film Festival, where it was set to debut next month, because the seven-time world champion is planning to run for congress next year and Filipino election law forbids candidates from appearing in motion pictures. This is outrageous. If a fair and open electoral process doesn't allow an elite boxer-congressman to do battle with CGI crustaceans on his days off, then what's the point of even living in a democracy? If that's what it takes to get this movie released stateside, then bring on socialized medicine!

WAPAKMAN Trailer! [YouTube]
Manny Pacquiao Starring in the Greatest Movie Ever [Last Angry Fan]
‘Panday,' ‘Wapakman' may be banned from Metro film fest [Manila Bulletin]