In an interview with FanHouse on Friday, Artest announced he is making a straight-to-DVD movie entitled Therapy, which I assume chronicles his rise from poor kid growing up in the projects of Queens to batshit crazy NBA player.

Surprisingly, the "Malice in at the Palace" will have its five-year anniversary Thursday- it seems like it happened longer ago - but Artest states that the fracas will only be a small part of the film.

"I didn't even realize it was the fifth-year anniversary,'' Artest said. "I'm actually working on a movie about it. It's going to be pretty cool... It's like a docudrama. I'm playing me. (The brawl) is like a small part, but it's a part of it... It's to just kind of spice up the movie a little bit, but (the movie) is deeper than that. It's all true.''

Wow. Artest claims he has a silent partner who is funding the project and he expects the film to be released next summer.

I can confidently state that there is a good chance that Therapy will be the worst movie ever made. I haven't been this excited about a straight-to-DVD release since Road House 2.

Brawl Will 'Spice Up' Movie About Artest [FanHouse]

In this edition, a tribute to Koko the Monkey, more bad duct tape, boozehounds, straight pimpage and, as usual, lots of lovable fat guys. If you see more custom greatness out there, send the (good) pictures with the subject: "Custom Jersey." And if you missed our previous renditions of the series, here are the links.

Part I
Part II
Part III

For all the people about to leave a disparaging comment ... he's talking to you. [Submitted by Rael]
Okay, this is ridiculous. "Be alert for bats"? Unless Rico from Staten Island is about to club him from behind with a Louisville Slugger, I think he's safe. [Submitted by E. Blum @ Yankee Stadium]
Still the best Blue Jackets player of all time. [Submitted by Ben S.]
In all fairness to this guy, I'm sure he did not make this himself, but rather pulled it out of a fake can stuffed inside a 30-pack. [Submitted by Paul S.]
It's not "zero zero." It's "oo." [Submitted by Zain I.]
As in ... "oo ooh ah ahh." [Submitted by Ben D.]
Mike O., please.
I'm really starting to think that some people don't like Brett Favre. [Submitted by Charles D.]
Can't forget the extra dose of this pimpin'. [Submitted by Rob B.]
The extra T is for a double dose of these Tasty Tacos. [Submitted by Adam B.]
I'm confused. Is that what the hat is made out of? [Submitted by Pat F.]
I guess this doubles as a Sports-O-Ween entry (for the love of god, stop sending those in), but I don't see blackface so I can't tell for sure. [Submitted by Scott K.]
You know what? Sometimes you just gotta say what everyone else is thinking. [Submitted by Nick S.]
You'll notice that this guy is wearing a Patriots hoodie under his "Favre4Ever" jersey while attending an American football game in London. Clearly a Tory spy. [Submitted by John M.]
See, cause Pat Tillman was in the Army Rangers. Get it? [Submitted by John O.]
Okayyyyyyyy.... [Submitted by Mark V.]
You know, rhinos are among the most dangerous land mammals. [Submitted by Robert G.]
Let's not get ahead of yourselves, Jacksonville fans. There's a good chance the NFL won't even let you draft next spring. [Submitted by Jan L.]
Well, it's hard to argue with a shirt. [Submitted by Rick M., seen in Chicago]
Why aren't all mobs this good at brand awareness? [Submitted by Eric M.]
All right, I give up. What the hell does this mean? [Submitted by Josh H.]
He's a real wiredout man. Sitting in his wiredout land. Making all his plan to ... wire ... out ... something. I guess. [Submitted by Nick M.]

This took place on Halloween, but it's funnier if you pretend it didn't. Two men dressed as a beloved video game character and his much-less-beloved brother assaulted a cab driver on Staten Island not with the red shell, but with their fists.

Investigators are on the lookout for the two and their suspected accomplice, a bipedal mushroom. If you're wondering how they've eluded capture this long, it's suspected they possess the Tanooki suit, and have been mistaken for statues by police.

Costumed duo rob SI cabby [NY Post]

In January 2006 in New York, the patient of a well-known psychiatrist draws the face of this man that has been repeatedly appearing in her dreams. In more than one occasion that man has given her advice on her private life. The woman swears she has never watched Kazaam in her life.

So begins the descent into madness that is "Ever Dream This Man?," a bizarre web site that claims to tackle the issue of why thousands of people the world over see Shaq Diesel in their dreams each night.

There are theories ("According to this theory this man is the image of the Creator, I believe this theory to be true."), descriptions of the dreams ("I have never had homosexual relationships or even fantasies. But I dream about having sexing with this man all the time. I must admit he has a lot of imagination and he pleases me. Sometimes when I wake up I discover I too have a wig on."), and, of course, a CafePress shop.

So, is this a harmless prank? Or are we dealing with forces far beyond human understanding? If you've dreamt of Shaquille O'Neal, please relate it in the comments.

UPDATE: As pointed out, it's a Shaqcentric parody of this web site. This still raises more questions than it answers.

The Arizona Daily Wildcat (via Busted Coverage) have documented Thursday night's Homecoming Undie Run at the University of Arizona and I would like to point out that they are doing the Lord's work. Even respected periodical U.S. News & World Report elected to report on it on Thursday.

Yes, the Wildcats will be the newest member of the undie run team in 2009, and it's just in time for homecoming weekend in Tucson. Tonight's run will cross the University of Arizona mall and head onto University Avenue, the Arizona Daily Wildcat reports. Normally, undie runs take place during finals or midterms, but with the weather just right, the organizer of Arizona's run told the Daily Wildcat that now was the time to do it.

My guess is there's a lot of horndoggers working at that place. Just a hunch.

Less words, more photos. How does that sound?

Ahhh, college. And you're welcome.

For those of you who would like further documentation of Thursday night's events, feel free to refer to the links below. There's even a video! Whee!

University of Arizona Homecoming Undie Run: Photos and Video [Arizona Daily Wildcat]
University Of Arizona Undie Run A Hit, Men Roar In Appreciation Of Nearly Naked Women [Busted Coverage]
Arizona Plans First Undie Run [U.S. News & World Report]

It's usually because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy...

And Here's One Of Her Emails, Too

Excuse me...

I urge you to provide me proof that embedding was permitted from my YouTube account which I assure you wasn't. That's why I'm not going away until you take down the article and compensate me for the escalating level of slander, now up to almost 18,000 views. Have you even asked Barry how he got it? Because no matter what he says, it will be a lie that he took it legally.

I also did not think I would be outing my full identity with a screen name I selected, "PhillySlide," but all that keeps coming up is "SEDonaldson." Your site will not allow me to fix it. That IS your problem to fix now and I do think that is mandatory. I also don't appreciate you telling me that I will "regret" anything. I do not regret standing up for myself. You should regret having a career where you think it is morally ok to defame people. Your parents would be so proud.

Sarah

And Here's Another Lady You Pissed Off

To whom it may concern,

I was connected to your site through a link in a sports article from Yahoo.com. I was thrilled to see a story featuring a female Jayhawks fan with a beautiful back-piece tattoo. However, I was then disgusted to read some of the comments posted below…

AzureTexan

11:25 AM

Hmmm, a Kansas skank. If she clicks her heels three times with enough force, a ping-pong ball will fall out. #kansasjayhawks Reply

Artie Fufkin

09:58 AM

The frat brother with his letters tatooed on his ankle looks like a pus now. Doesn't mean he won't date rape her later. #kansasjayhawks Reply

Hit Bull Win Steak

09:43 AM

alright, the tattoo I can sort of understand, but was the rhinoplasty to get the Jayhawk's beak really necessary? #kansasjayhawks Reply

I then noticed y'all didn't have any women on staff. I would suggest that if you want a female following and fan base (yes there are die hard female fans out there… Look at Jayhawk Kat) you might want to censor out some of these ignorant comments that perpetuate gender stereotypes.. I am fairly sure this email will not go anywhere and nothing will change, but that does not change the fact that by allowing comments like these to be posted you are directly contributing to gender inequity in sport and reinforcing harmful gender stereotypes. At the very least please keep the female sports fan in mind when running future stories and concerning future content.

Thank you for your time,

Liz J. Titus

I Miss You, Too, Philly

So what the fuck? the bigwigs in New York keeping you down from talking shit? I speak for every Philadelphian who read this site and enjoyed the hell out of your writing on the way to being "THE WORLD FUCKING CHAMPIONS" . Talk some shit big boy. Or aren't you really in charge of the site. Sixers beat the Knicks, Birds sent the Giants back up the turnpike with their tails between their legs and now we have a shot to even it up and you ain't a smart ass? Council Rock pussy, Neshaminy '79 says stand up to those New York Gawker fucks and say I'm Philly and I'm Proud!!

Hope to see some better shit-talking tomorrow on the verge of game seven. AND STILL, THE REIGNING WFC's, THE PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,

Mike G.

If Anyone Needs A Brazilian Football Or Soccer Coach

Good Afternoon,
I'm Oilson Silva, live in the city of Curitiba in Brazil.
I am looking for an opportunity to work with football or soccer in the United States of America.
play soccer since I was 11 years.
Currently I'm 27 years old with a great knowledge of football.

I got this address by searching the Internet.
I'm sorry if I'm being inconvenient.
I hope you can help me!
Thank you!
I look forward to a response!

my phone is 41-xxxxxx

And If You Need Assistance Finding These Jobs, Contact Tommy Craggs

Hey Tommy great article, my name is mike im 17 and i just wanted to tell you that im a huge fan of the broncos and a bigger football fan in general but i wanted to ask you how a person would go about trying to get a coaching job in the NFL im really interested.

Thanks again, Mike

And We've Also Started To Get Larry Johnson's Mail

Larry,read the news-report that stated you are suspended from playing because of a remark concerning homosexuals...I urge you NOT to recant or take back your statement even if it cost you your job....God made Male and Female,and never made an in between sex...The whole country is fearful of the homosexual-lesbian coalition...Talk show host,Politicians and many pastors are bowing to this vile sickness called gay....Your stand against this behaviour is correct...God warned of such sexual sin and called it sodomy...All three major religeons condemn such behaviour...Brother Johnson,stand up for your belief and never bow to homosexual-lesbian sin....you may lose your job,but,never lose your character or compromise your integrity... Prophet H Walker(overseer)
True Light Pentecost Church

Oh, Aren't You Clever

Hey A.J.,

So I'm walking to the train tuesday morning and I find out that the neighborhood cat "Suede" has gone missing. Is there any chance you guys can forward this to Psycho T so we can get Suede home. If he can bring Sarah back to that irresponsible black girl, then I think he can find Suede.

Thanks,
Chubs P.

Yes, David Stern Is A Huge Fan Of Nazi Shark

Apparently David Stern reads deadspin. All rejoice.

On the Dan Patrick show David Stern said they can't do anything about Tim Donaghy's book. He hasn't read the whole book. "I have read the excerpts that were on Deadspin," Stern said.

OK, I have done some further investigation (ie: she confirmed my wife as a FB friend). Basically, there's no doubt that it's her—there are pictures of her on her wall as the I LIV 4 THIS, and numerous people congratulating her. She also responds in the comments to one post that it was her.

We decided against sending you a bunch of screenshots of her FB page, since it's kind of weird to FB friend someone just so you can reveal their identity to a sports blog. My wife sent Amy a message with a link to the Deadspin post, so we left it to her to get in touch with you.

If she doesn't, we all can live with the private knowledge that IL4T girl is named Amy W.

And...she did.

Hi A.J.

I am responding to your "absurd mission impossible post". An old friend from HS said they saw this post on facebook and knew that I was the "I LIV 4 THIS" girl from TV and said I should respond so here I am. I saw that girl Sarah's post. You can tell that girl Sarah that I only have Sisters....sorry to disappoint and the reason there is no "E" on the end of the shirt is because it wouldn't fit!!!

Anyway....here I am...don't know what else the girl wants or needs.

GO YANKEES! — Amy

So, Sarah, there's your answer — Amy is not your boyfriend's long, lost sister. It's a shame because she seems like such a pleasant woman and would be a great addition to anyone's family.

But hey, it's an easy post. So in the tradition of terrible horror movie franchises, we present yet another sequel to the original Sport-O-Ween. This time it's wrestlers, swimmers, way too much Kenny Powers, and easily the most offensive costume you've seen yet. Too soon? You bet your ass it's too soon.

Let's just get all the Kenny P.s out of the way right now. Kevin H. is best.
Do you think he had to buy the Zubaz or were they already in his closet? [Submitted by Jill R.]
Yeah, he probably had them already. [Submitted by J.F.]
I think HBO should have given us more money. Seriously, you guys really loved this show. [Submitted by Andrew D.]
He's no Bode Lubber, but Baby Birdman definitely has the cutest sleeve tattoos of the year. [Submitted by Kurt R.]
I have no idea what's going on here. I'm just glad Bob Barker isn't alive to see this. [Submitted by Joel S.]
Alex B. will shove this costume down your fucking throat.
Ben S. calls this one "Clubhouse Cancer" because ... tumors = hilarity.
Hulk.... [Submitted by Jon B.]
Macho Man.... [Submitted by Casey C.]
Hulk and Macho Man. The circle is complete. [Submitted by Murphy]
Later, these two made sweet, sweet love in the "production truck." (Which was actually a port-a-john behind the stadium.) They kept the masks on. [Submitted by Matt O.]
A little surprised it took this long to get a Phelps with Bong. [Submitted by "The Boil Over"]
But more than one person still had their '08 costume ready to go. [Submitted by Allen Q.]
Whoa. I didn't not see that coming. I guess this is post-suspension and Doritio-loving Phelps. [Submitted by Ray B.]
Ricky Vaughn or a regular dude in a Cleveland jersey on a Saturday night?
Again, that might just be the actual Rangers looking for a game. Or your sloppy seconds. [Submitted by Karen M.]
Steve-O's Tyson costume is impregnable. [Submitted by CJ]
I think this "David Ortiz" is the one that really needs some performance enhancers. [Submitted by Brad K.]
Now we're down to the nitty gritty. Blood, mayhem and sweatpants. [Submitted by Brad S.]
I always knew those two were up to something. [Submitted by Mark C.]
Not there yet ... wait for it ... [Submitted by Chris]
Ding! Ding! Ding! I think we have a solid winner for most offensive costume of the year. So much detail, yet he couldn't spring for the Titans jersey! Watch my head as I slowly shake it in disappointment for humanity. [Submitted by Chris]

Hi AJ & Crew –

I'm sure you are sifting through a ton of emails after the WS last night, but I have a favor to ask. So remember that girl that FOX kept showing? The one who couldn't be bothered to add the extra "E" to her "I LIV 4 THIS" custom jersey? Well, she looks exactly like my boyfriend. The resemblance is frightening. She looks more like him than either of his sisters do. As far as we know, there are no other relatives running around unaccounted for, but she looks too much like him to not be related to him in some way.

So my favor is, can you guys post this so we can figure out who she is? If you guys can find Jose Lima, I'm sure you can find this girl.

Thanks guys,

Sarah

PS – if you guys end up seeing this and not posting it, could you at least just tell Big Daddy Drew that I love him? Thanks.

So to reiterate this absurd mission impossible: Please identify the "I LIV 4 THIS" woman so Sarah here can figure out if that person is a blood relative of her boyfriend. Christ.

Since getting the good news, we've yet to hear back from Marina Valdez, the woman who requested the Deadspin Search Party be put on the former Yankee utility person, but we'll update as soon as we do.

Oh, and Jose Lima's post has also been updated with a "FOUND" stamp. Classy.

Everyone who helped locate Mr. Wilson should fist-pound themselves at their desk. (Not a euphemism.)

Now, call your daughter, Enrique!

So here's the second (and hopefully final) round of Sports-O-Ween. Even Michael Myers didn't die this hard.

A-Rod and Jeter as a gay couple? This is just so insensitive I can't even believe that.... What? These two dudes are actually gay? Oh well, in that case it's freakin' brilliant. [Submitted by JP, who adds "yes, they are awesome homosexuals"]
These guys went as Luke Ridnour, Carlos Boozer, Bill Walton, Shawn Bradley, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Pau Gasol and Coach Erik Spolestra. Also known as "the only seven NBA personalities who never successfully secured road beef." [Submitted by Michael O.]
This costume is labeled as "Derek Jeters Herpes Tree." So the Phillies are the tree or he gave them herpes? I'm so confused. [Submitted by James G.]
Adam M. writes: "My buddy dressed up as Kenny Powers (I'm sure you've gotten lots of these but the one that was already posted isn't very good in my opinion.)" I agree. The pregnant Kenny Powers with the bad wig and fake mustache was much better.
Jason T. dips into the Kenny P. well one more time, only with a new wrinkle. The guy who made a cameo appearance on two episodes! I'm pretty sure the wig is on backwards.
Bill K. got his picture taken with Eddie George as a gladiator. The sad part? This wasn't on Halloween.
The Tiger Woods family? Oh, did you really have to rope the poor child into this? [Submitted by Sam W.]
Really? I ... you know what? Let's just move on.
Matthew B. sucked it up as "The Vumpire." I'm not judging until I see the instant replay.
Dave K. can't wait for the Andre Agassi book to arrive. I think Andre's wig was much more believable.
Joe J. has now gone four days without trying to snort baking powder.
A little too real, isn't it? [Submitted by Brad B.]

Good job asking the skinniest guy in your group to play the Hulkster and lamely choosing Slim Jim-era Macho Man over the original version. No wonder it's not a real sport. [Photo sumbitted by Kevin D.]
The legacy of great Jets quarterbacks will never die. (The legacy is embarrassment, of course.) [Photo by Driven By Boredom]
A costume from The Program? That certainly was a movie that came out once! [Submitted by Jim C.]
Patrick Kane meets his nemesis ... a guy who can afford to screen print a t-shirt with the words "Buffalo Taxi Service." I hope that cost more than 20 cents. [Submitted by Daniel G.]
This is continuing the series from the other day. The Football Ladies were actually part of a larger group of No. 4 backers. Pretty clever, even if it was just an excuse to walk around Madison with no pants on all night. [Submitted by Andrew B.]
Commenter MeQuickWantSlow remembered the 80's long enough to break out the Teen Wolf togs. I always figured him for a Republican.
I"m sure the gunslinger would be very proud. [Submitted by J.K.]
Finally, one more take on the "someone sucking one else's dick" theme. As if today's press members would ever wear a hat like that. [HolyTaco]

Reilly writes (with additional reporting from a mysterious Philip Fisher):

Moniz, who is also raising a child, couldn't afford to give up the pizza job, so now he's going to school, starting at QB, and raising a family, all in 30 minutes or less. He's the pizza guy with everything on him.

[...]

Unfortunately, Moniz is 0-4 as a starter. And you just know that sometime Moniz will be standing there after being paid, his hand out, asking for a tip, when the lady will go, "Yeah, stop throwing off your back foot" and close the door.

To which the people over at Tipthepizzaguy.com's discussion board have responded with both snark and lolcats.

A user named "Serephim," quoting the "30 minutes or less" line, writes:

There is that knife in your backs again...

The moderator replies:

At least the article mentions we are tipped. It also says a pizza driver supports a family. I found the article more positive than negative. If our society would get rid of the "30 minutes or less" monkey around our necks implanted by Domino's who discontinued their policy 16 years ago, we'd have fewer headaches.

Meanwhile, "LoneStar" takes particular issue with the idea that Moniz might have "his hand out, asking for a tip," as Reilly writes. "LoneStar" apparently rejects the image of pizza-guy servility, and "LoneStar" is not pleased. "LoneStar" posts, in quick succession, a "wtf?" lolcat, a photo of Uncle Sam pointing and calling you (presumably Reilly) a "bag of douche," and a photo of a baby in an infantry helmet. J'accuse!

The wonder, at least for me, isn't that Reilly (and the mysterious Philip Fisher) managed to annoy readers with 200 phoned-in words on Reilly's blog. The wonder is that those 200 phoned-in words required the efforts of two journalists. To borrow from "LoneStar":

Freak Celebrity Sighting [ESPN]
Topic: Pizza Guy/D1 QB [Tipthepizzaguy.com]

I guess is a tradition for these players to do that..I have a daughter with Enrique Wilson (former Yankee player) and he also stopped paying child support and has never call his daughter again, his place to escape and be child support free…Dominican Republic…I have been searching for him for the past 3 years and no one can tell me exactly were he is at, until 2 weeks ago that my cousin was watching a game and saw him playing for a baseball team in the Dominican Republic...Can you put a search party out please...I'm willing to cooparte.. I can even send you a copy of how much he owes in child support

You heard the lady —now, activate the Lexis-Nexis side of your brain and help her find Enrique Wilson.

If these requests continue, this could become the blueprint for the most retardedly excellent reality show ever.