-Hey, the Chargers seem to be moving the ball. I'm sure this will end well.

-TOUCHDOWN, FLOATS RIVERS TO VINCENT JACKSON. They went for 25 yards on the hook up and my reverse jinx worked as well as always. Now Rivers is yelling happy things at everybody on the bench!

San Diego 10 - 6 Tennessee

-And Tennessee is storming right back down the field.

Fourth Quarter

-Bironas is lining up for another field goal. Tennessee is borderline unwatchable.

-Juuuuuuuust a bit outside.

-Chris Chambers was uncovered deep in the secondary. He would have scored but it took the ball about thirty seconds to show up. First and goal... timeout.

-And after a ridiculous challenge they're out of timeouts. It's always nice to have Norv on the sideline in crucial times like this. It looks like they're going for it!

-TOUCHDOWN, LADAINIAN on the second effort! I might come close to breaking even this weekend.

-And the score is under review, as long as they didn't rule him down on forward progress then nothing will change.

San Diego 17 - 6 Tennessee

-These guys don't seem to understand the challenge system quite yet.

-Vince Young gets picked off inside his own 20 and this one looks about over. It's been a pleasure, I'm out!

First Quarter

-Vince Young was efficient on his first series. It went for 13 plays but they'd settle for a Bironas field goal.

Tennessee 3 - 0 San Diego

-Hey, Vince looks like he's hurt again. Could it be Kerry Time?

-San Diego can't move the ball for shit, which is criminal. I'm starting to understand how MJD feels every week.

Second Quarter

-Hey, a first down for San Diego. Amazing what happens when you include Antonio Gates in on the fun.

-"Floats" to Chambers right down the middle of the field for a big gain, now we're rollin'!

-One Chargers drive fizzles out and Floats starts the next one with an interception in the end zone. This is brutal.

-By the way, the score is still 3-0, but other wild card games have picked up in the second half.

-Vincent Jackson just got so open Rivers couldn't have thrown a pick if he tried. Yet I'm still troubled by the play calling. 13 passes against 6 runs. Fuck you Norv. Fuck you over and over again. GO SIT IN DAN SNYDER'S WAITING ROOM!

-Antonio Gates hurt and the cart is coming out. Why now? Why not the 2002 Sweet 16?

-After another incompletion Nate Kaeding botches a short field goal. Nice kick, farm boy.

-Rod Bironas doesn't seem to have any problem with these kicks, field goal is good.

Tennessee 6 - 0 San Diego

-Jeff Garcia had everything set up to capitalize on the Giants inability to put things away, but instead he threw a limp-wrist interception in the endzone. Nice job cockface.

-Tampa got the ball back and they still couldn't do anything with it. I'm starting to think that the NFC South isn't all that good a division.... checks Carolina's record ...yeah, it blows. Giants are back in control.

Fourth Quarter

-Ahmad Bradshaw is starting to find some running room of his own. I bet Terry is beginning to question whether or not he could have a distant black relative.

-TOUCHDOWN TOOMAH! These Giants are tough as nails!

New York 24 - 7 Tampa Bay

-I'm going to win another bet!!!

-And back comes El Jefe! TOUCHDOWN, ALEX SMITH! The vintage Jeff Garcia has arrived at the stadium, and not a minute too late, because the game's about to end.

New York Giants 24 - 14 Tampa Bay

-Bono can eat my ass.

-AND IT'S OVER! New York wins it and the Bucs have a quick trip back home to the golf course strip club. Three cheers for Eli Manning... if you're in to that sort of thing.

First Quarter

-We have a kickoff, and here comes Eli Manning! Buckle up and wait to see if he confuses Ronde for Tiki. My boy Tanard Jackson is sitting back at safety just waiting to put a hurt on somebody.

-White people be puntin'

-Sam Young just hit his head on the rim while blocking a shot. Football things happened.

-TOUCHDOWN TAMPA BAY! Ernest Graham and Jeff Garcia did nice work on that drive and the ex-Gator capped it with a short touchdown run.

Tampa Bay 7 - 0 New York

Second Quarter

-After a couple of worthless possessions the ball is back to New York. These Giants have yet to do anything of note. Eli has two completions for nine yards and Brandon Jacobs is putting up -1.33333333333333 yards per carry.

-AWKWARD TOUCHDOWN PASS, ELI MANNING! Elisha actually put together a pretty nice, albeit short, drive with the help of Amani Toomer's three catches. Brandon Jacobs took a dump off pass the final handful of yards to even things up at a touchdown apiece.

Tampa Bay 7 - 7 New York

-Meanwhile Pitt and Nova are tangled up in a Big East classic, I'd tell you the score but it's in lo-def and I no see good.

-The Giants have the ball and they're marching it right back down the field on the Bucs defense. Steve Smith just broke out into the open secondary for 21 yards.

TOUCHDOWN, BRANDON JACOBS! These Giants are not to be trifled with. Manning has caught fire (9 of his last 10 have been completed) and Jacobs is starting to run through people, including the great Tanard Jackson (who is now injured).

New York 14 - 7 Tampa Bay

-Now the Bucs really need to answer with a drive to end the half.

-Ramon just lost his handle in the waning seconds and 16th ranked Villanova took out a suddenly ailing Pitt team 64-63. DeJuan Blair and Sam Young were awesome, but they really miss Fields and Cook. Yeah, this weekend isn't going so well for my teams. I'll stop now.

-Well so much for the Bucs answering, for this half at least. The Giants get the ball back with a bit of time and to burn should they choose to go for the deathblow.

-Pussies.

Halftime!

We're back to a regular Sunday schedule for today's games, meaning the Giants and Buccaneers will get things started at 1 pm from the big dumb pirate ship. It's Eli vs. Garcia for the right to play an ugly game against Brad Johnson and the Dallas Cowboys (I'm just assuming something happens to Romo in Mexico).

The late afternoon game takes us out to sunny southern California for the Chargers showdown against Albert Haynesworth III's Tennessee Titans. Get ready for plenty of Philip "Floats" Rivers and Vince "/limp" Young. Obviously I'll be around all day to fill you in on what you're missing in case you aren't actually watching. HUZZAH!

Enjoy the match up of true Pennsylvania steel versus southern rednecks with hunting rifles...

-Wow, almost back-to-back scores there. Deuce got loose inside the big hamper and MJD brought the ensuing kick back to the half yard-line. It was downright sexy, and I've been drinking. Time for dinner, I'll check back later.

-At halftime everything is going according to plan. Jacksonville is dominating and Big Ben is clearly drunk.

Jacksonville 21 - 7 Pittsburgh

Third Quarter

-Well the first mission is accomplished, Redskins ball and they even start on the ground to Portis.

-Collinsworth says that the Seattle front seven is "whipping" the Redskins and there's "no other way" to describe it. Odd, the word "lashing" comes to mind, but that's just me. CC is a football expert, but bloggers are experts of linguistimics.

-It should go without saying that Washington punted back to Seattle.

-Oh fuck, Tom Cruise is in the building. This explains so much. Go away bad man, and take your evil mojo with you!

-Springs just got torched by Hackett. I've seen this movie before!

-Thankfully for me, and the unbiased viewing audience, the Redskins D remained stout and held the Seahawks to a field goal. My man Smoot tried to bury the crown of his helmet in The Hass' hip. I love it.

-COOOOOOOOOLEY with the single pawed catch for a big first down. There's still plenty of time to make this a game, guys.

-Cooley (or "Cooney" to Tom Hammond) shrugs off a safety on an underneath route and picks up another first round. The Redskins have an actual drive going here.

-fourth down

-PASS INTERFERENCE! First down!

-Typically the red zone offense consists of two primary plays: run left to Portis or a classic button-hook to Cooley.

-The forgotten third primary play: the near interception

FOURTH QUARTER!

-TOUCHDOWN REDSKINS! Antwaan Randle El from Todd Collins. Oh the beauty of it all!

Seattle 13 - 7 Washington

-We've got a... ... ballgame? Yes!

-INTERCEPTION, LARON "THE RON" LANDRY!

-Portis picks up nine yards on first down and now they're talking about ghosts or something, I was just contemplating the loss of Sean Taylor in my own personal way.

-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! TOUCHDOWN SANTANA MOSS! With an apparent assist to Sean Taylor's angel. We'll have to check with Elias for the official scoring on that one.

Washington 14 - 13 Seattle

-Oh yeah, the touchdown, beautiful pass over the top, nice and soft for Santana's delicate hands. Those puppies don't even go near dish soap.

-KICKOFF FUMBLED, AND RECOVERED BY THE REDSKINS! THE BALL FELL RIGHT TO US! I'M STARTING TO BELIEVE IN JEBUS!

-I just had this conversation with Brian of Awful Announcing on GChat...
me: oh my god
Awful: i can't talk
oh my god
i can't breath
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Awful: afs;odjfa;sdlkfjas;dlfkjasd;lfkj...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: whwhahawiehfoawihefoa.....
Awful: holy fucking shit
video coming
me: amazing
Awful: Sean Taylor was blowing that shit

-Yep, this is quality journalism.

-Missed field goal. God hates us again...C'est la vie

-INTERCEPTION, LARON "THE RON" LANDRY Part Deux!

-The Redskins couldn't keep the momentum going, now they'll punt back to Seattle.

-Wind or no, that could have been a bit better.

-Shawn Springs is having his worst day of the season (on-field of course). He got beat like a rug.

-TOUCHDOWN DJ HACKETT! He was wide open in single coverage against Pierson Prioleau.

-TWO PT CONVERSION is GOOD to Marcus Pollard.

Seattle 21 - 14 Washington

-Now we've got a serious game. Eight minutes left in the fourth.

-That was just a great drive by The Hass, gotta give credit where it's due. That's a huge touchdown.

-Monster return by Rock Cartright, the finest two-way special teams player in the league.

-PICK SIX, MARCUS TRUFANT! 78 yards on that return. There isn't enough liquor in the entire world right now. What a fucking awful play.

Seattle 28 - 14 Washinton

-Collins gets sacked again; I grow weary.

-Clinton just landed hard on his knee; I grow nauseous.

-Huge catch by Santana Moss! He climbed the ladder on that like one of Jason Campbell's rookie throws.

-Fourth down to keep the game going...incomplete, and with 2:41 to go I'm calling it for Seattle. I'll be back later for the Steelers and Jags, hopefully the site will be updating by then.

Seattle 28 - 14 Washington

Pre-Game Fun

-Uh oh, Peter King has been spending time with the Redskins. I'm going to have to switch from light beer to dark kerosene. This is doubly depressing.

-Jamie Moyer is leading the cheers in Seattle. Seattle bloooooooooows.

-The Skins win the kickoff, which will inexplicably piss off my father.

First Quarter

-And we're off, the Skins have the ball and the introductions are out of the way.

-The Seahawks hold the Skins to a three-and-out on the game's first possession. That was uninspiring.

-Two passes and two first downs put Seattle in business and me in a shitty shitty mood. Things will be thrown. I'm looking at you Mr. Brita Filter!

-After an Alexander run and a Hasselbeck throwaway brings up the first big third down play of the day. Shawn Springs fell down but the coverage was tight enough, it's punt time!

-Clinton Portis just got stuffed on 3rd and 1 and I just realized that I have salsa, but no chips. What a shitty day this is turning into.

-A bad penalty on a punt made me frowny, then a knockout hit on a side judge made me smiley. I never claimed to be a good person.

-The Hass has clearly been jackin' it at a tremendous rate in the past week (it's a nervous condition!) because his wrist is awful sore.

-SHAUN ALEXANDER FUMBLES! SMOOT RECOVERS!

-Alexander was down. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

-Just to reiterate, this is not a live blog.

-TOUCHDOWN SEATTLE by some guy named Leonard Leonardson Weaver. 7-0. This is not going quite as well as I could have hoped.

-Alright Washington, time to regroup!

-I'm not saying Todd Collins is perfect, but if he were Jewish he'd be perfect.

-Maybe Parcells will hire the offensive coordinator from the Pepsi commercial to coach the Dolphins. He seems to fit the role about right.

-Santana Moss couldn't haul in a perfect third down pass from Collins. Nate Burleson isn't used to getting this much work.

-Marcus Washington stuffed Maurice Morris in the backfield...teehee

-Punters are pussies, even the ones who take steroids.

-THAT'S NOT A FUMBLE!

-Holy shit, a minor break in the Redskins favor. Add in a first down pass and we're back in business.

-Damn, Santana had a sure touchdown but Collins got crushed on the release. I'm tense.

-WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THIS THEN? Oh, a delay. I'll take that.

-Shawn Springs is falling down a bit too often for my liking.

-Long field goal is GOOD yet my excitement level remains stagnant. Thank you Bass Ale. Seattle leads 10-0. Oh yeah, the second quarter started a while ago, forgot to mention that.

Belated Second Quarter!

-I'm nearly positive that I can hear Seattle's famed crowd noise on a loop.

-First down Portis. Get up in that ass, Janky Spanky!

-Seattle's defense: Good. Make a note of this.

-Now Washington's defense is going to have to make something happen...and a pass interference call on DJ Hackett is a nice start. As a bonus, The Hass appears to have bruised his throwing hand.

-Washington's pass rush...EXISTS! The Hass goes down, as does the ball. C-Hox recover, Ufford twitters in delight. Regardless, it's Washington's ball after a crappy punt.

-For some fucking reason the Redskins insist on throwing the ball all over the field (without success) instead of running the ball down Seattle's motherfucking throat. I'm perplexed. Drop-Overthrow-Sack-Punt-Drink

-Shaun and The Hass can't get anything going right now against the Redskins defense. With 3:00 to play the Skins have time for one more attempt at a drive.

-Budweiser: Clear because it's pure. Pure like water. Reclaimed water.

-A terrible spot and the Skins are stopped short on fourth down. Seriously, Sellers may have not gotten it, but that spot was off by two feet.

-I'm not going to act like a Seattle fan and complain about the officials...but WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT YOU STRIPED PIECE OF SHIT?

-Collinsworth just said the word "Favrearian" so I'm just gonna call it a half.

Halftime: Seattle 10 - 0 Washington

Porn star Jenny Hendrix loves the Jacksonville Jaguars almost as much as having anal sex. Now, Hendrix is parlaying her interest in professional football into a new gig as a commentator on PG13Football.com, an internet radio show.

Hendrix, star of "The Jenny Hendrix Anal Experience," says she hopes to use skills learned on the show to eventually get into sports broadcasting.
"No one else in the porn industry is doing this," she says. "There are a lot of girls in this industry who don't want to make a name for themselves."

One person who already knows Hendrix' name is Jaguars coach Jack Del Rio, who called the show her first day on the job.
"He was familiar with my work," she says gleefully. "He says he saw it in a hotel."

Awesome.

Jenny Hendrix's MySpace Page
Porn Star Fan of Jags; Jack Del Rio Fan of Porn Star
There's At Least One Porn Star In The Jaguars' Corner