As has become the tradition, Canada is holding a nation-spanning Olympic torch relay so that the entire host country can get in on that good old Olympic spirit. On a related note, did you know that Canada is really fucking big? And like ... really far north? I guess that even the person who lives on Resolute Bay should get to see the flame too, but man is that a hike. Sorry, but if your place can only be reached by sled dog, you might occasionally miss out on things.

You know, there's still plenty of room in Manitoba. Come on down. They won't bite.

[AP Photo/The Canadian Press, Jonathan Hayward]

* * * * *

It's Thursday. I don't need instructions to know how to rock.

U.S. Speedskating found themselves $300,000 short, after their Dutch bank sponsor declared bankruptcy. With mere months before the Olympics, along came a hero.

With Dan Jansen as his guest on last night's show, Colbert announced that he would step in. Skaters will wear "Colbert Nation" on their hoods, and we should expect some offbeat promotions in the near future.

Notice it's "Colbert Nation" and not the actual show doing the sponsoring. That's because there's no cash in the deal; it'll be fans of the show who provide the material support. There's a fundraising link on his site. Nice, but I'm not sure pay-what-you wish sponsorships are the future of sports. I believe In Rainbows has made about $78.50 so far.

It's not all fun and games for the new philanthropist:

It still tragically involves a lot of Canadians," Colbert said. "It's kind of unseemly how many Canadians I'm going to have to be dealing with."

Speedskaters Get Unlikely Hero: Stephen Colbert [NYTimes]

Anyway, we were all kind of grumpy that the Army went back on their promise to let Campbell take a shot at the NFL, but on the flip side, he was spared a season on the worst team in NFL history. He is still not being allowed to pursue his football dream, but the Army is allowing him the chance to join an outfit with an equally impressive record of futility—the U.S. Olympic bobsled team.

Caleb has been training at Lake Placid to be the brakeman on the four-man squad, a spot once held by such illustrious NFL heroes as Herschel Walker and Willie Gault. So why can he be an Olympian, but not a Lion? Who knows? Why does the Army do any of the things that it does? With two medals since 1956, our armed forces are still training this guy to be perpetually disappointed by his teammates. Wait ... is that why he needs to be an Army of One?

Caleb Campbell: Army Soldier, NFL Draftee ... Olympic Bobsledder? [Clay Travis/Fanhouse]

We just got this hot tip off the wire.

"The reigning Canadian and world champions will carry a perfect 9-0 record into today's round-robin curtain droppers, assured that they will be among the final four teams with a chance of hoisting the Tankard come Sunday night, and on the verge of overtaking longtime rival Randy Ferbey for the longest win streak in Brier history."

I don't know about you, but no part of that sentence makes any sense to me. I seriously had to read the entire article twice and do a Wikipedia search, before I knew for certain that it was about curling. Then I remembered how much I love those slippery little brooms. Seriously, this might be my favorite Winter Olympic sport (next to biathlon.) It makes very little sense to me, I can't tell the difference between good curling and bad curling, I've never played it and don't care to learn how. But when it's on TV—I'm mesmerized by it.

But I digress ... my brief research tell me that the Brier is like the World Series of curling, in that it really isn't a world championship but it is very, very important to Canadians. It's going on right now and apparently the team from Alberta is very, very good as they have won 22 matches (is that what they're called?) in a row—but that has nothing to do with this video from early in the tournament of what is allegedly the greatest curling shot in the history of the sport. That's right.... we got two separate curling tips today. It's some kind of Canadian miracle.

If you're looking to brush up (get it!?) on the sport before 2010, I suppose now is as good a time as any. Get your rocks off, baby. (I bet you they say that a lot up there.)

Perfectly sizzlin' Albertans take aim at Ferbey record [Calgary Herald]
Thought Curling Was Boring? Glenn Howard Makes An Amazing Shot For The Win [Total Pro Sports]
2009 Tim Hortons Brier [Season of Champions]
The Curling News [Curling News!]

Bulgaria conceded a goal every 44 seconds in the Latvian town of Liepaja. They trailed 7-0 after five minutes, 19-0 after ten and 31-0 after one period. In their previous matches, they had lost 30-1 to Croatia and 41-0 to Italy.

My favorite part:

Down 77-0 with three minutes to go, Bulgaria put in its backup goaltender, who promptly let in another five goals on five shots in just 1:25 of playing time.

The third-string goalie is a dead raccoon which they lay across the mouth of the net. And now, the reviews are in:

"What the Slovaks did to us was kind-of an insulting mockery, and is not at all sportsmanlike", the Chair of the Bulgarian Hockey Federation, Dobromir Krustev, said after the game. Kind of?

The Worst Team In International Sport? [Yahoo Sports]
82-0 [James Mirtle]

Each of the creatures is distinct and special - both in personality and in appearance. One is big, gentle and shy . . . one is small, mischievous and outgoing . . . and one is a natural-born leader with a passion for protecting the environment. All three are mythical creatures with roots in local legend. One is a sasquatch. One is a sea-bear. And one is an animal guardian spirit. They are all, to say the least, unique.

And, for the first time ever, there will be an official "mascot sidekick" — an Olympic character that didn't make the final cut, but will play on the practice squad, as it were.

A fourth character was selected as a 'mascot sidekick.' "We never intended to have a sidekick," said Gardiner, "but Mukmuk was so cute and such a perfect friend to the other characters that we had to keep him!" So history was made - the Vancouver Games is the first to have an official mascot sidekick.

Translation: Mukmuk is gay.

Looks like I'm going to need plenty of aspirin over the next two years.

Vancouver2010.com
The Honor Of Olympic Mascots Is Restored [Everything's Corner]

It all came about on Wednesday due to Sch nfelder losing a bet of some sort. The only other details we know are these:

Austria head coach Toni Giger said he did not think Schoenfelder would be sanctioned for the stunt. "I have no problem with nudity in general," Giger said. "I haven't seen the pictures but no one was hurt. ... This was typical Schoenfelder behavior."

Alrighty, then.

Your move, Bode Miller.

Rainer Sch nfelder Ist Immer F r Eine Einlage Gut — Auch In Wengen [Sport1.at]
Austrian Skis Nude After Losing Bet [SFGate]

We had a crazy dream last night. The IOC was making up Winter Olympic sports, and approving them in their meeting in Kuwait City. Yeah we know, off the wall. But ... huh? You're kidding. Skicross?

The International Olympic Committee on Tuesday rejected the inclusion of women's ski jumping and several other disciplines for the 2010 Winter Olympics, but skicross, a rough-and-tumble event similar to snowboard cross, was accepted by the IOC executive board on the opening day of its two-day meeting in Kuwait.

Skicross, basically, is this: groups of skiers race each other to the bottom of a course, while people throw obstacles in their paths such as wood, trash cans and live animals. An that's not even the freestyle portion.

Bin Laden will never rest until skicross is out of the Middle East.

IOC Approves Skicross For 2010 Olympics [MSNBC]

OK, I just saw the replay of Sasha Cohen's short program from last night. Lovely. Amazing really. But has anyone mentioned the comments she made to herself immediately after finishing the routine!? As she broke from her final pose, beaming, and began to skate off the ice, she pumps a fist and seems to shout "Yes!" OK. But then she CLEARLY says to herself "Rockstar!... Yes, that's me!... Yes!" It's riveting.

As much as we realize that Cohen is one of our best hopes for another gold medal, and as talented as she is and all that, all we're picturing right now is Molly Shannon's Saturday Night Live character Mary Katherine Gallagher. Wouldn't it be awesome if, before she takes the ice, Cohen places her hands under her armpits and smells them? And then stumbles into a pile of folding chairs?

Update: We've just learned that Cohen skipped her practice session on Wednesday because she woke up late. Yeah, you know those rock stars ...

Update, from reader Dave: "I can totally corroborate the post about her rockstar ways. NBC showed the full replay of her Tuesday night performance late last night. She absolutely is calling herself a rockstar. I only took notice because a girl in college used to call everyone rockstars and it was dreadfully annoying. Even more so, that headline on the back page of the Post (and the News) yesterday called her "Sassy Sasha" and that picture showed her in her glorious selfish ways.

Update: A reader sends us a link to what apparently is Sasha Cohen's MySpace web site.

But an alert commenter has a different interpretation: "[Hedrick] is just mad that he can't get any Olympic poontang. Meanwhile, the cool kids, aerial skiers and snowboarders are getting laid, and saying things like 'Think that stuff kind of goes hand in hand with being a
professional athlete.' "

And there it is, we almost made it through February without hearing the term "Olympic Poontang." Dang, so close.

• A doping plot is uncovered.
• Police stage a raid on the only group of athletes whose event requires them to carry guns.
• A high-speed car chase through the Alps.
• Olympic coach smashes through road block.
• Mysterious disapperance of two biathletes.
• Only 24 hours remaining to find and defuse the bomb!

We made up the last one, but the rest are true. On Sunday, banned Austrian ski coach Walter Mayer bolted the Turin Games after a doping raid on his team, and made for the Italian border, speeding through northern Italy in a minivan. He crashed a police road block before being apprehended after crossing the border into Austria. Evidently, you take your chances with the cops, but you do not want to mess with the IOC.

Their suspicions aroused by Mayer's presence at the Games because of his previous link to blood doping, Italian authorites staged a late-night raid Austria's lodgings at the Olympic Village on Saturday and carted off six skiers and four biathletes to be tested by the IOC. Test results are pending, but two biathletes Wolfgang Perner and Wolfgang Rottmann were kicked off the team after leaving the Olympics following the raids. Both had been implicated in previous blood doping. Then, according to NBCSports.com:

Mayer got out of town sometime Sunday, driving at least 250 miles from Turin before stopping to take a nap on the roadside in the mountains of southern Austria. When officers arrived on the scene to wake him up, Mayer sped away, striking and slightly injuring an officer, police said. Authorities parked an empty police vehicle across the highway as a roadblock, and Mayer slammed into the squad car, totaling both vehicles, police said. He sustained minor injuries.

We can't help it, we just love any Olympics where spike strips are involved.

To repeat, we almost lost to Latvia. Population 2.3 million, which is slightly less than Chicago. Their entire navy consists of 797 people. But they played the U.S. to a standstill in the opening round of Olympic Group B, despite having only two current NHL players on their roster and employing a 39-year-old goalie — former NHL player Arturs Irbe (who, you may recall, almost had his career ended in 1994 when he was bitten by his own dog). We can't imagine what actually happened in this game; when we picture it, all we see is Latka Gravas sitting alone in the stands wearing his white mechanics jump suit and waving a small Latvian flag.

So what's next for the U.S. team? Losing to the Cayman Islands? A 4-1 drubbing by Yemen? A scoreless draw with Kazakhstan? Oops, that last one is our next opponent, actually. Um, go USA!

U.S. Hockey Ties Latvia in Tournament Opener [MSNBC]
U.S. Hockey Team Fit to bet Tied With Latvia [San Diego Tribune]

"Mmmm, Olympic gold (gurgle)." They're saying that the Turin Winter Olympic gold medal is more bagel-like than the designers would care to admit. And now that we see it, it does look somewhat delicious. [Road to Torino]

Super Bowl party at Ted Nugent's house? We're there. Wooo! Actually, we're not sure what the statement is here. Troy Polamalu played like a deer in the headlights? We just hope it's not one of those novelty singing devices. [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]

How many Boston-area birds will be enjoying this fine addition to the bottoms of their cages this week? We guess a lot. [Yahoo News]

We can't help it: We just can't read about the Wayne Gretzky/Janet Jones/NHL gambling saga without thinking about the movie Lost In America. "You are no longer allowed to use the words 'nest' and 'egg' in the same sentence." [Crazy4Cinema]