I'm sure that's not a Denver Post record by any means, but six sentence-graphs in a row is a pretty solid day at the office. Let's sample a portion of that, shall we?

Last season, the Broncos stunk like a skunk.

The stench could have been worse.

They were close to stinking like a Titan Arum, a large, flowering plant that is indigenous to Sumatra and emits an odor considered by many botanists, and the people in Sumatra, to be the foulest on Earth.

Oh, Woody, Woody, Woody. You're not supposed to explain your jokes. Here's how it works. If you go for obscurity, you're supposed to just leave it out there, in which case the four greatest living botanists will laugh uproariously. Then the rest of the people will search Wikipedia for that item, then kind of get the joke. It's a formula that's worked well for me.

Broncos Looking To Erase Old Odor [Denver Post]

Now that the Rockies have the worst record in baseball — oh, and how did THAT happen, by the way? — Woody writes that the Rockies should trade Matt Holliday and start over. That's reasonable enough; he's not the first person to write that. But, uh ... maybe he should look into some of those trade scenarios.

Or, consider: The Rockies acquire Cleveland pitcher C.C. Sabathia, who got off to a terrible start before settling. It would be 2007 Cy Young winner for MVP runner-up. Sabathia will be a free agent at the conclusion of the season. But it would make sense for dollars to the proven 27-year-old left-hander — probably close to $100 million over five years.



The Giants? Holliday would be The New Left Fielder, and perhaps the Rockies could pry Tim Lincecum, and others, away from them.

As Vegas Watch points out, that first scenario would involve trading your biggest chip for a player who is a free agent at the end of the season. And the second scenario would require the Giants to trade their best, cheapest, youngest pitcher — who's under team control for the last five years — for a guy with a contract that expires soon.

We know it's probably rote by now to point out just how lazy and ill-researched so many "mainstream" newspaper columns are. But sometimes, you know, it just makes your jaw drop, no matter how many times you've seen it.

Woody Strikes Again [Vegas Watch]

Now, Woody's just another fella on "Around The Horn," with his "wacky" eraseboard comments and occasional reminders that, somehow, he's a Baseball Hall Of Fame voter. So be nice to him, so that he might vote you in.

Of course, the most recent Woody news was the sexual harassment lawsuit filed against him, Jay Crawford and ESPN. Propelled forward, and into the air.

So: Do you like the Woody Paige? Do you not like the Woody Paige? Roll 'em!

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Well, we've already told you how Woody Paige is going to vote for Goose Gossage because he was personally nice to him. (Which, we assume, makes Gossage the only man on earth qualified for the Hall of Fame.) But how about the other Hall voters? How studious are they in their deliberations?

Vegas Watch has an excellent rundown of ridiculous Hall of Fame arguments. Oddly, two of the top three — Paige's is No. 1, of course — involve Tim Raines. Here's Tracy Ringolsby's thought "process:"

"The biggest debates for me were Tim Raines, who obviously was overshadowed by Rickey Henderson, but also if you take Vince Coleman's five top years, I would say he outperformed Raines, too, and I don't see Coleman as a Hall of Famer."

And Vegas Watch's retort:

In his top five SB years, Coleman stole 484 bases. In Raines' top five SB years, he stole 384. This is the only category in which Coleman outperformed Raines.

They were similar players in the sense that they were both fast, I guess. So maybe Ringolsby thinks the only thing that matters with guys who are fast is how many bases they steal? That must be it, since comparing Raines and Coleman as overall players is laughable.

Coleman, best 5 years: 3236 PA, .272/.330/.351
Raines, career: 10359 PA, .294/.385/.425

It's not close. In fact, in the comments of this post, tangotiger makes the amusing point that Raines' worst five years were easily better than Coleman's best five. Tim Raines is going to fall short of the Hall of Fame this year, and he has reasoning like this to thank.

Personally, we believe Raines should be in the Hall of Fame simply because he admitted to sliding head first so he wouldn't break the vial of cocaine in his back pocket. That reasoning is as sound as Ringolsby's.

Worst Hall Of Fame Arguments Of 2008 [Vegas Watch]
If You're Nice To Woody Paige, You Have A Chance At The Hall Of Fame [Deadspin]

For example, his considerable deliberation on Goose Gossage.

"Gossage — During a visit to Yankee Stadium in the late 1970s, I wanted to talk to Goose but was told he was cruel and gruff to reporters. I sheepishly introduced myself and said I was from Colorado, his home state, and he talked pleasantly for 30 minutes. We've been good friends since. I would vote for him even if he wasn't deserving."

So that's taking the process seriously! We would like to know who else was kind and pleasant to Woody Paige in the past; might help us handicap Hall of Fame races. We suppose this eliminates Rita Ragone.

Woody Paige Is Thorough [Vegas Watch]

All quotes are directly taken from columns written within the first four days after 9/11.

• Woody Paige, Denver Post. "Miss Liberty bowed her head. From on high and nigh, she witnessed the horrifying cataclysm. There were tears in her eyes. And the nation cries with her. Denver was not torched, but it has been touched."

• Jay Mariotti, Chicago Sun-Times. "Our local baseball managers have addressed the idea of a white-flag mentality and suggested players might not be inspired to resume the season, a folly when you consider firefighters and rescue teams are working around the clock and risking their lives."

• Skip Bayless, San Jose Mercury News. "To my disgust, I spent Wednesday and Thursday hearing outrageously paid athletes tell us how irrelevant sports are and how they just didn't feel like playing. Will these eight-figure whiners tell us how 'truly unimportant' sports are before the next work stoppage? Do they think any of us felt like going to work Wednesday? Many in this country needed baseball and football to be played as soon as possible — baseball by Thursday or Friday, college football by Saturday, the NFL by today. This was the least sports could have done for us after all we've done for them."

Well played, guys: Words of which to be proud.

(To be fair, we all went a little overboard if we wrote too early after 9/11.)

Among other "friends/clients" are Joe Montana, Walter Payton, Joe Namath and Marv Albert. Plus, she has a blog! Well, there's only one post, and it's not exactly intimidating; but just wait until she gets rolling!

Rita Ragone: Celebrity Creative Designer
Does ESPN Harassee Have Stephen A. In Her Corner? [SportsbyBrooks]
ESPN, Woody Paige Sued For Sexual Harrassment [Deadspin]

ESPN: "This suit is without merit and we deny the allegations.
Atlantic Video: "This lawsuit is without merit, and we deny the allegations. This matter will be vigorously defended."

Someone's following their talking points! (Though this is not the first time Paige has been accused of something like this.)

Seriously, though: Explain to us how Paige is defended here while Harold Reynolds was canned for allegations that were far less egregious than these. It's almost as if Norby — Norby! — was playing favorites or something. Wonder if it has anything to do with HR being a Mark Shapiro guy, and Paige being more of a Norby — Norby! — guy. Just a thought. Wild guess, really.

ESPN, 'Cold Pizza' Producer Sued For Harassment [Dow Jones]
Woody Paige Sued For Sexual Harassment [Deadspin]

A woman who worked on the set of the ESPN talk show "Cold Pizza" is suing the sports network, claiming she was fired after complaining about sexual harassment by the show's host and one of its regular panelists. In the lawsuit, which also names ESPN host Jay Crawford and sports commentator Woody Paige, Rita Ragone claims that Paige pinched and fondled her and she was subjected to crude sexual comments from Crawford.

Ragone, a makeup artist and hair stylist from the Bronx, claimed Paige once grabbed her backside so forcefully, she was "propelled forward and into the air."

Now THAT'S a pinch! (Paige denies the claim.) We're not sure how one grabs someone's buttocks so hard that it propels them into the air, but if anyone could figure it out, man, it would have to be Professor Paige.

NYC Makeup Artist Sues ESPN, Claiming She Was Sexually Harassed [Associated Press]

The Big Lead, with the help of their readers, reports that Paige said something like, "The person who is informing the media is a frustrated receiver who is upset that TO is close to getting 1,000 yards, and that person's initials are..."

And then not only ESPN bleeped out whatever he said next, but took the extra step of blurring out his mouth, so his lips couldn't be read. But a couple of The Big Lead's commenters said it was still somehow clear that Paige said, "T.G." Another blog, Reelpeeplz, reports hearing the same thing.

A public Terry Glenn vs. Terrell Owens feud, I think we could all agree, would be fantastic ... but also terribly destructive for the Dallas Cowboys. Terrell Owens deserves some credit for keeping the snitch's identity to himself, because he's right, it would be a huge distraction. But thankfully, Woody Paige is out there doing the work of snitching his damn self bringing the truth to light, so Owens and Glenn can have an honest and open discussion about it. I can't wait.

TO's Snitch ... Revealed by Woody? [The Big Lead]
Could Woody Have Outted The Cowboy's Snitch? [Reelpeeplz]
Owens blames 'snitch' for problems in Dallas [USA Today]

Well, WRONG. Paige is officially leaving the network to head back to Denver on December 1. From The Denver Post editor:

After taking his act to Broadway for a little over two years, Woody Paige is returning home and to our sports pages as a columnist. As many of you know, Woody went to ESPN where he became a bit of a phenomenon on Around The Horn and Cold Pizza. But Woody has repeatedly expressed a desire to return to his "first love" of writing. That yearning only grew and we began discussing his possible return about two months ago. I am happy to report Woody will rejoin The Post on Dec. 1. He also will retain a relationship with ESPN as a regular on Around The Horn, which will be filmed in the ESPN studio we built near the design department.

Wait: Paige was a "phenomenon?" Awesome! We totally missed that. Some have said that this could be the final nail in "Cold Pizza"'s coffin, but we've heard that a million times before and, no offense Woody, but we can't imagine he'd be that difficult to replace. (Besides, we imagine "Cold Pizza" being cremated.) We wish Paige good luck on his tour back to Denver, and we wish Denver Post readers even MORE luck.

Brace Yourself, Denver: Woody's Coming Home! [The Big Lead]

But it appears Paige is starting to get wise: It appears he's back to writing his Denver Post column. He had abandoned the column when he became a full-time ESPN talking head in NYC, but persistent rumors that the show is in serious trouble might have finally taken their toll.

If we may, however; we'd like to provide some unsolicited advice to "Cold Pizza" producers, in hopes they might save the show: Hire this guy!

WHAT THE FUNGUS??!!

Another Sign Cold Pizza Is In Trouble: Woody's Writing Again In Denver [The Big Lead]
Yeah, Red Smith Used To Totally Eat Weird Crap [Deadspin]
"What The Fungus??!!" [Deadspin]

(UPDATE: Paige is refuting the rumors.)

And perhaps we should enjoy "Cold Pizza" as much as we can, while we can, because if a recent memo from a "Cold Pizza" coordinating producer fired around the office can be believed, times are even tougher over there than we thought.

Please be judicious with your use of the Cold Pizza index cards. We have used twice as many of these cards in the last couple of months as we have in the past ... and they are expensive. These cards are essentially for on-air talent questions/scripts items and they look good on camera. Please use regular index cards for off-air research, bullet points and production needs.
Thanks.

The memo fails to include: "Also, the post-it notes Woody Paige uses for his slapstick predictions segment are specifically chosen for how well they reflect off Paige's face on camera. They are very expensive. Please use the generic brand Post-It notes ... and try to limit yourself to one. Oh, and all staffers attempting to speak with Mr. Bayless off camera should stop. You are upsetting his concentration."

"Cold Pizza" [ESPN]

• Proof that Woody Paige can be amusing. "Several years ago, (Woody Paige) was sitting at a hotel bar when a scantily dressed woman sidled up to him and said, 'Hey, honey, I'll do anything you want for $100.' Replied Woody: 'Sounds good. I'm in Room 123. Go up and write a column and a sidebar.' " [Orlando Sentinel]

• If you're anything like me, you love NBA violence. Particularly when it's slowed down and set to rap music. [Wimp.com]

• Tony Kornheiser becoming a part of ESPN's upcoming Monday Night Football booth now looks like it's official. I hope someone programs him to kill Joe Theismann much like someone once programmed Reggie Jackson to kill the queen. [dcrtv.com]

• A Chicago Cubs fun takes a dive through a big trough of urine. Because... well, I'm not sure why. But he did it. And it makes me uncomfortable. [YouTube]

• Eugene Chung and Darko Milicic are characters in a Super Bowl novella. Yes, you read that correctly. And yes, it's as disturbing and as cool as it sounds. [Coyote Writers]

So says a story in the Denver Westword, which documents Paige's recent exit from the Denver Post and his — and we're not kidding here — "overnight success after 48 years." Honestly, this story's too insane not to just quote directly.

Kids and tweens love Woody, too; he hypothesizes that "they think I'm their age." (He cites Soupy Sales as a major influence.) And adults want their turn with Paige as well. ...

[Paige] says ESPN management told him there'd be "options to readdress my contract" — a comment that hints at a raise. ...

"It should have been a 25-minute walk," he estimates [about a walk to cover a fight in Las Vegas], "but it took me an hour and a half, because people stopped me every foot. They kept saying, 'There's what's-his-name,' or 'You're that guy.'"

Honestly, we can't even make fun of Paige anymore; we just feel bad for him. The guy not only thinks he's getting a raise, he's now stopping to sign imaginary autographs for imaginary people. But hey, he's into Soupy Sales. That's totally freaking hip with the kids.

King Woody [Denver Westword]
Yeah, Red Smith Totally Used To Eat Weird Crap [Deadspin]

But the timing on Paige's decision is curious. See, "Cold Pizza" officially announced Friday that it will indeed be moving to 10 a.m. start time after the new year. "Mike And Mike In The Morning" will hold the 6 a.m.-10 a.m. slot on ESPN2, with "Cold Pizza" coming on afterwards and replaying again at noon. This means, of course, that "Cold Pizza" is no longer a morning show; it's, at best, brunch for the unemployed. At 8 a.m., maybe you catch some people before they go to work. At 10 a.m., it's filler; we will now see if it's possible for "Cold Pizza" to get lower ratings.

In other words, it's pretty plainly the beginning of the end for the show. Enjoy New York, Mr. Paige, and keep that resume handy.

Time Has Come For You And I To Turn The Paige [Denver Post]
Woody Paige Sees All [Deadspin]

The best of the rest after the jump. Enjoy.

Woody Paige Sees All [Deadspin]

(Thanks to the folks at YAYSports! for their PhotoShop help.)

By the way, we've had this idea for a while that we could come up with some pretty funny stuff to say on Paige's chalkboard using PhotoShop, but, honestly, we're really bad at PhotoShop. Anybody out there want to give it a shot?

Oh, also: We're hearing all kinds of rumors that "Cold Pizza" is considering a switch from its current 8 a.m. timeslot to a 10 a.m. timeslot. So at least they're not getting fidgety over there, what with them just being a year removed from a first time change, and, you know, the always stable rotating cast.

Woody Paige Archive [Deadspin]

Nope. That man you see is a serious journalist who has been captured by an actor. So says Paige in The South Bend Tribune:

"I've covered civil rights in the South, the aftermath of Martin Luther King's assassination, and the World Trade Center attack," Paige said. "I was a serious political writer. This is entertainment. This character I play, it's not me."

For the sake of argument, we did a little Nexis search on Paige's "serious political writing" about the attack on the World Trade Center. The day after the attacks, he started his column with a poem and talked about trying to reach his friends in New York. (Perhaps they were there covering it for him?) He arrived in New York over the weekend and wrote about drinking with shellshocked New Yorkers who, we assure you, were just lusting to talk about it to people who came buzzing into town. He was in Arizona a week later, covering the Broncos' win over The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals.

But to give Paige the benefit of the doubt, we'll totally call out David Halberstam the next time he eats something disgusting on national television.

"Cold Pizza" tries taste of ND spirit [South Bend Tribune]

"Cold Pizza" [Official Site]
Medieval Times [Official Site]

We hear whispers that Paige — a longtime favorite of now-departed ESPN head honcho Mark Schapiro, the man credited with keeping Paige on the show — chose to skip the huge, 300-person going-away shindig for Shapiro last Thursday. We hear he purposely decided to bypass the party because he was not going to be allowed to bring his girlfriend.

We think it's because the hors d'oeuvres weren't Alpo brand.

Yeah, Red Smith Totally Used To Eat Weird Crap [Deadspin]

MISSES

• "Quite Frankly With Stephen A. Smith". Whatever your thoughts on Stephen A. — though we suspect we know which direction most of you lean — this whole enterprise has been an unmitigated disaster. Launched with unprecedented fanfare (they were running ads for this on Salon), the show is a ratings black hole, Smith clearly struggles with sports that aren't the NBA and the show's awkward transitions are proof he desperately needs a Greg Anthony-type to play off. Scariest part about this: He has a four-year contract for the show, an albatross if there ever were one.
• Everything PTI Hath Wrought. Once the formula was established by Kornheiser and Wilbon, Shapiro and company proceeded to run it into the ground, turning every bit of "original programming" into something from VH-1's "Best Week Ever." The worst is "Around the Horn," which encourages former journalists to make idiots out of themselves. More on this in a bit.
• "ESPN Hollywood" and "Teammates." The former is the television equivalent of Page 3, and it's pretty clear how that has turned out. "Teammates" more often looks like it belongs on Logo than on ESPN.
• All The Futzing With "Baseball Tonight." Once, "Baseball Tonight" was the end-all-be-all for baseball fans, a place where Peter Gammons, Jayson Stark and Harold Reynolds broke down the games' details with wit and precision. Now John Kruk and Larry Bowa compare wads of chewing tobacco.
• Skip Bayless. We suspect even Skip is confused by Shapiro's dogged loyalty.
• The General Degrading Of The Profession Of Sports Journalism. Writers whose work readers and fans had admired for years were put on television and instructed to act like chimps. Credits were given for confrontation and volume of one's voice rather than reporting skills or even grasp of the issues. To stay on the air and earn their nice TV paychecks, longtime sportswriters were forced to keep upping the ante just to make sure the golden goose stayed alive. The logical outcome of this was realized yesterday on "Cold Pizza" — another Shapiro misstep — when Woody Paige ate dogfood live on the air.

(Later: The close of our series, a look at the future without Shapiro.)

Putting aside the obvious "Fear Factor" comparisons — we're not sure how well "Cold Pizza" comes across in that matchup, though, for the record — we're still trying to figure out how the segment was even imagined. They were saying something about the San Diego Padres, and how they were either dog food or bologna, and it wasn't making any sense, and then, out of nowhere, Woody Paige started eating dog food. We didn't imagine this, did we?

You can't find this kind of analysis on the Outdoor Life Network, that's for damned sure. Hey, when's ESPN head honcho Mark Shapiro leaving again? Saturday? Thank God.

"Cold Pizza" [Official Site]
Hometown Columnist Woody Paige [Deadspin]

The New York Times [Official Site]

"Colorado's new slogan to attract tourists should be: 'Visit beautiful Colorado. We won't force you to take a religious brochure at every street corner, make you eat lime Jell-O at every meal ... marry three of your mother's cousins, consider you inferior if you're not white, a man or heterosexual, order you to ride to a ski area in a school bus ..."

But even worse, after a furious backlash he sloppily apologized to the people of Utah. Getting all Jell-O-like, he wrote: "Happy Valentine's Day. I'm sorry I hurt you." He didn't, however, apologize after this one:

"Most people never get out of here alive. Miami, where the slogan is: 'Your CD player, your money and your life, por favor."

But even more terrifying than the Ranting Paige is the Contemplative Paige. The Paige who makes flailing attempts at (gulp!) poetry. Witness this, from the aftermath of the Columbine shootings:

"The columbine that was growing alongside the road in Littleton has wilted and died.
It bloomed and blossomed ever-so briefly.
The blue-and-white petals have drooped and turned brown.
From a frost, or maybe out of sadness."