———————————————-

Postgame Ballyhoo

Sign in stands: "HEY ROCKIES, HOW'S THAT 8 DAYS OF REST WORKING?" Well, the days of rest is certainly hurting Colorado. I're glad you asked.

Welp, even if the series is still lopsided, nobody can ever look a one-run World Series game in the mouth. Because games don't have mouths. They have runs, hits, and errors, but no mouths. Why on earth would you say such a stupid fucking statement like that? That's it. No baseball until Saturday. Because of your words. I hope you're happy.

Todd Helton — at least I think it was Helton — asserts in a quick interview that they have to take this series one game at a time now. This rules out the possibility that the Rockies amass four wins in the next three games. That woulda been amazing.

Well, whaddya know, rather than staying up past my bedtime, it's exactly my bedtime. Thanks for playing along, commenters and silent readers. You're all beautiful.

Top 9th

The Red Sox are in the "no doubles" defense. Which means Manny Ramirez is wearing a harness and hanging halfway up the left field wall, wielding a fire extinguisher so he can move laterally. Too bad Todd Helton didn't implement his "no strikeout" offense. I'm not sure what's more intimidating: Papelbon's slider or his sphincter-shaped mouth. Aktins flies to center for out Numero Dos.

Let's count the pitches to Brad Hawpe using SussTrax: Strike. Strike. Ball in dirt. Rectum mouth. Strike. Ownage.

Bottom 8th

Tim McCarver expounds on Holliday being picked off ... "Like Sweet Caroline, reaching out, touching you." Assuming one of the production assistants didn't hand him an index card saying that, I'll give credit where credit is due and tip my hat to McCarver, who's on his A-game in the 8th inning. Okay... B-plus. But that's still an admirable grade.

Julio Lugo tries to bunt his way on, but steps into fair territory too quickly and gets called out because the bunt strikes himself. Bullies used to do that to us in junior high. "Stop bunting yourself! Stop bunting yourself!" It didn't exactly hurt as much as "Stop hitting yourself," but my Lord was equally humiliating.

Here comes Manny Corpas, trying to garner all of one out. And Dustin Pedroia just ain't havin' it, as evidenced by that single to right. He's so mature for a young player. Then Youkilis fouls off about 68 pitches before grounding out.

If your dog needs to take a dump right now, tell him/her to hold it for one more inning.

Top 8th

Okajima's just gonna keep pitching, if that's cool with everybody.

Willy Taveras gets Tokyowned with that high strike call. But he's still mature for a young player. Kazthaniel "Kazuo" Matsui is mature for an average-aged player, and in his at-bat vs. Okajima, fans hold up a flag of Japan. I guess that means they're just fans of this particular at-bat, regardless of its outcome? Matsui strikes out, and Francona awards Okajima with a chance to rejoin his bullpen cohorts in the Boston Pops, Snaps, And Whacks Orchestra.

Which is Papelbon's cue to get the hell out of Funkytown.

Matt Holliday is the two-out batter, and he falls into an 0-2 hole. Papelbon looks in for the sign ... gives Varitek his scrunchy face, and ... whoa, Holliday smokes that one, and a diving Pedroia blocks but can't field the ball. Nice 2-out hit ... forget it, though, because Paps picks off Holliday. Horrible baserunning indeed, but had Holliday had access to TBS's leading off virtual graphic, he'd know to stand between the red and the green. So I can't fault him entirely. But Tim McClellan, watching at home, thought Holliday was safe.

Bottom 7th

Manny Ramirez is now batting. Now, granted, we all know a lot about him ... and it's probably impossible to know any more about him ... or so you'd think! Roll it!

I know what you're thinking regarding those dreadlocks. Is that his real hair? Or is it a weave? Actually, it's neither. Because the Boston area can get very muggy at times, the Red Sox planted an aloe vera plant on top of Ramirez's head, and anytime a player gets sunburn or a bug bite, they just break off a dread. This is also why he wears a doo-rag under his cap. That's where the Miracle-Gro is kept.

More footage on the antics of the Red Sox bullpen's rhythmic beats. Papelbon is unamused. "You talk about someone who marches to the beat of his own drum." Wokka wokka wokka, Joe Buck! Way to snare that pun. You are no doubt the cymbal of creativity.

Beyond J.D. Drew's happy little single, Ramirez, Lowell, and Varitek all fail the clichéd-yet-still-accurate "late inning run support" cause.

Actual 7th Inning Stretch

I didn't see who those recording artists were, but their rendition of God Bless America would probably be classified by David St. Hubbins as "barbershop raga."

Seventh Inning Stretch Video Of A Disturbing Electric Company Singalong

Top 7th

Joe Buck tells me that No. 2 Boston College pulled out a win over Virginia Tech 14-10. That makes tonight's win the undefeated Eagles' second most impressive win on the year. The most impressive one, everyone concurs, was that 55-24 plastering of Bowling Green.

And Okajima breezes through the Alphabet Soup portion of the Rockies lineup. Tulowitzki. Torrealba. Spilborghs. Out, out, out.

Bottom 6th

Herges remains on the mound, and Ellsbury gets a single. Buck is impressed with how the spotlight is not fazing the rookie. Haven't we said that for about, oh I don't know, half the roster? Ellsbury's mature for a young player. Pedroia's mature for a young player. Tulowitzki's mature for a rookie. Ubaldo Jimenez is mature for a young player. Papelbon's mature for a young player. Taveras is ... well, they haven't been touting Taveras too much lately. Maybe he's a big baby for a young player.

Lugo bunts Ellsbury over. Discussion ensues in the Fox booth about who Boston should sit in the National League-governing Game 3, despite the fact that this game is not yet won by the Red Sox. Apparently people have been text-messaging their opinion on this matter to Fox. Don't get me started on my anti-texting soapbox. But hey, whatever stretches this Dustin Pedroia at-bat. He grounds to short, and Ellsbury's at third.

Youkillis falls behind 0-2, but he's laying off close pitches, and the count goes to 3-2. After nearly decapitating Ellsbury and the third base coach on consecutive line drive fouls, Herges walks Youkilis. Walking the Youkilis is a rather mild trick on a yo-yo. All it requires is patience, and a bit of hype from a Michael Lewis book.

Bye, Matt Herges. Hello, Brian Fuentes. Wait, who's Brian Fuentes? Aw, why don't we find out:

Coming up through the minor leagues, Fuentes was actually a flamethrowing prospect. But one day, during a road trip in 1999 with the New Haven Ravens, teammates came into his hotel room discovering Fuentes and a prostitute singing Ace of Base together in their underwear. Deathly embarrassed, Fuentes said he'd do anything so that nobody would speak a word of this. The compromise was that he'd never throw a fast pitch ever again.

David Ortiz comes up to bat, and the crowd yelps at his fly ball to center. Sorry, fans. That's called leaving runners on base. The Battle of Wits is officially in the hands of both bullpens.

Stranded runners aside, it's a sexy, sexy game so far. Here's to hoping it doesn't turn coyote ugly.

Top 6th

Kazakhistan "Kaz" Matsui steps in, and fouls a pitch off umpire Laz Diaz's mask. Kaz bops Laz. Razzmatazz! In news that doesn't rhyme, Matsui flies out.

Chris Myers is in the stands interviewing ... I think that was the CEO of Taco Bell, who I imagined to have more acne. (Perhaps it's on his back.) But anyway, the Taco Bell guy is just thrilled to be giving away free tacos to millions of fans. Because those things are gone in about four bites. Seriously. The gas to drive to Taco Bell is worth more than one taco. You will be purchasing something else if you go, even if it's just pop. Meanwhile, I'll be at Quizno's, laughing my ass off that my chances of E. coli are slightly below yours.

Oh, look. Matt Holliday's on first. But not for long. Schilling's opinionated pitches miss the plate, and Todd Helton gets a free base. Everyone in America, however, does not receive a free base.

Relieving Schilling is the Human Bobblehead, Hideki Okajima. Lefty vs. righty? Really? Or maybe this is Terry Francona's cunning plan to decrement the jersey number on the mound, one by one, starting with 38. I don't know what he'll do when he gets to 36, and tries to warm up catcher Kevin Cash in the bullpen.

All Atkins can do is nub a grounder to first, advancing runners. It's up to Brad Hawpe. Isn't it always? Okahima stee-rikes him out.

Bottom 5th

Pedroia's ground ball goes to third ... Atkins fields it, tags third base (shadow man out on a force), and gets Pedroia by less than a step. Youkilis flies out, and Ubaldo's getting in a groove. (Funny how, only in sports, is a "groove" and a "funk" totally opposite concepts.)

We're magically whisked away to 5 minutes back in time to the Rockies' pitching coach telling Jimenez to attack the strike zone. [Doo-da-lee-oo. Doo-da-lee-oo. Doo-da-lee-oo. Doo-da-lee-oo.] And he promptly takes that advice to David Ortiz's at bat. Actually, he's sort of waterboarding the strike zone, tantalizing it with a fastball but not exactly hitting it or doing any damage. In summary, Ortiz walks.

Ramirez is batting. McCarver: "He can strike at you like a cobra in a basket." Jimenez wishes he knew that before the game, else he'd have brought his fife. Ramirez singles.

And Lowell's double gives Boston the lead. But the hilarious part was Ramirez stripping off his helmet as he neared second like Forrest Gump's leg braces, and the second base umpire having to waddle over and pick it up, as it was in Lowell's direct path to second.

Clint Hurdle is going to take Ubaldo out of the game, much to the delight of Boston fans, because they had a devil of a time trying to coin a two-syllable taunt out of "Ubaldo."

George Carlin once said, "Just think, right now, all over the world there are people exercising bad judgment. Somebody, right this minute, is probably making the mistake of his life." Which brings us to new pitcher Jeremy Affeldt, who is called upon to end the 2-out rally in the 5th with J.D. Drew at the plate.

And Drew walks. Hurdle switches pitchers again.

I'm not insinuating anything here, but the fifth inning was when Boston scored seven of their 13 runs yesterday. ...Okay, I am insinuating something here. Even though it's still just 2-1, this inning has Jason Jennings potential to get Dante Bichette ugly in a heartbeat.

Matt Herges has the potential to ruin this game for Colorado with one mistake to Jason Varitek. ...and he escapes a 3-1 count as Varitek flies to left. Clint Hurdle should use three pitchers in an inning more often.

Now we're into the tongue-twisting part of the lineup. Tulowitzki leads off the inning with a walk. (Insert Tim McCarver misconception joke here). Torrealba bunts over Tulowitzki, and here comes:

When asked who would play him in a movie of the Rockies' postseason, Spilborghs said Tony Danza. Apparently the second-year outfielder wants to have a notable yet mediocre start to his career, then just hang around in the twilight of his career, serving little purpose. Spilborghs hopes to God that David Dellucci doesn't know anything about law regarding intellectual property.

Spilborghs K's, and Taveras is able to bring Tulowitzki in. By that I mean into the dugout. A groundout ends the threat.

Bottom 4th

Ah, nothing more majestic than looking up at a blimp telling me to start watching channels in HD. Because if I were watching this game in HD, I'd see four more inches of grass on either side of the screen. How deprived I am.

Ramirez was induced into popping out. Read: Manny being jammy. Lowell can't get a base hit, because of all those balls thrown off the plate.

Fox shows a Sports Illustrated cover of a young Clint Hurdle labeled as a phenom of the Royals. Something tells me Bob Hamelin does not own that issue.

Drew's ankle seems fine, and his ensuing single lets Lowell advance ... wow, first cancer, than a throw to third. What can't Lowell beat?

Varitek's long fly to center allows Lowell to trot home. All RBIs in the game have come care of grizzled veterans with goatees who were called out on the play.

And there's the Red Sox bullpen, stomping away a beat that Joe Buck says is called the "Black Pearl." Really. Because here I thought it was the tomahawk chop. Ellsbury gets the second walk of the inning amidst the phat rhythm emanating from a collective of spot starters.

Lugo's ball goes down the line ... but it's foul. Replay confirms this, but you'd know that already if you called DirecTV and bought HD channels by now. Why aren't you buying it yet? I'm telling Sen. McCarthy.

Ellsbury steals second, and the half-assed tension is over. Everyone in the nation is eligible for a free taco. Caveat: It's a Taco Bell taco, not a Sol Caliente taco. Joke's on you, America! Lugo continues his at-bat, works it to a full count... oh, that ground ball to Todd Helton will score no more runs.

Top 4th

THE ROCKIES HAVEN'T GOTTEN TO SCHILLING YET. AND IT'S NO LONGER EARLY!!! Pay no attention to the scoreboard. I'm going by Fox's Somehow-Not-Sponsored-By-Schlage Keys To The Game and assuming the Rockies are losing this one right now. So Holliday singles up the middle, but. Helton, Atkins, and Hawpe all fail to get to Schilling. I mean, just get to him already. He's just standing right there on the mound, and he can't run very fast.

Bottom 3rd

Theory. If Ubaldo Jimenez is such a pitching phenom, why isn't he the sensation that Joel Zumaya or Joba Chamberlain? I'll tell you why. It's the last name. Jimenez. We've seen Jimenezes before start out great, then fizzle. D'Angelo. Jose. Actually, both Joses. The no-hitter one and the Bill Dana one. We need to see a complete career out of a Jimenez before we pass judgment on Ubaldo.

But so far, Ubaldo's doing fine. He gets Jacoby Ellsbury and Lugo out, and here comes:

Female fans of the rookie sensation once tried to start a fan club cut from the same cloth as Grady Sizemore's "Grady's Ladies," but they just couldn't get enough outside interest. They were never certain what went wrong. As a result, the Ped-ophiles disbanded and went their separate ways.

Pedroia watches four straight balls go by. Kevin Youkilis steps up to the Youuuuuks, then gets brushed back with a ball rocketed toward his face. You can notice the Youuuuks transform into Booos, with the exception of the seven Rockies fans, who've been chanting Uuuuuuubaldo all along. Men on first and second. Boston is putting something together without making contact. Which makes it comparable to courting a woman during the Victorian area.

David Ortiz ... Carl Spackler, will you take this one? "Oh, he got all of that one." Never mind. Foul ball. Get the hell out of here, Carl. He ends up sitting down after failing to check his swing. The cut-to-commercial tune? "More than a Feeling." This can't be the first time Fox has broken out the Boston.

Top 3rd

Schilling digs in against Ryan Spilborghs. Or is it the other way around? Either way, there's digging involved. Which means it's time for:

You know that guy at work who will visit every single cubicle and bug every co-worker, regardless if the co-worker is on deadline, on a conference call, or giving birth? And the guy just can't take a hint that he needs to go away? Well, even that guy thinks Curt Schilling needs to shut the fuck up every once in a while.

Spilborghs has poor judgment of the strike zone. Siddown, NL DH. Taveras grounds weakly to Lowell, and Kazuo "Kaztholomew" Matsui watches strike three. Tim McCarver calls Schilling a "strike-throwing machine." So when he does walk a batter, what do we blame? The software? Try upgrading RAM? Operator error? Reboot Call your 11-year-old nephew?

Bottom 2nd

Manny Ramirez and Mike Lowell, before the half-inning, made a concerted effort to test Atkins' defense. A poor gambit, if that was the clubhouse plan.

JD Drew looks at an 0-2 count, and another quick ... well, owie. Jimenez's breaking pitch found sanctuary on Drew's right foot. Wait, the replay says ankle. So there goes JD Drew's brief tenure as a beloved and healthy ... wait, he's okay after all. See, were this a soccer game, he'd have waited 10 seconds, fell, and awaited his stretcher carriage. But it's baseball, so Drew gimps to first.

Jason Varitek strikes out. Drew's stranded at first, and has to hobble back to the dugout on his own power. For some reason, Fox found this as good a time as any to press play on a cover of "99 Luftballoons" until the commercial break. Hey, sure.

Top 2nd

Always get chili cheese on my Nachos Bell Grande ... provided I actually want them in the first place. Sweet! Loophole!

You better believe Brad Hawpe reaches first. He's locker buddies with Jamey Carroll, after all. Troy Tulowitzki has the game down as a rookie, and he has the French Stewart squint mastered. But he also mastered the strikeout as a rookie. And Yorvit Torrealba wants to get outta this inning fast, so that's why the double play happened. Slight chance this thing's done in time for ER.

Bottom 1st

And there's Ubaldo Jimenez. No, he's not named after the abominable snowman from Final Fantasy III. (For those keeping score, yes, that's the second straight FFIII reference in as many nights. Nobody needed girlfriends during the Super Nintendo area.) But as long as we're talking about Jimenez, why don't we get to the night's first:

This hard-throwing 24-year-old wouldn't probably would not be in the Rockies rotation this late into the season were it not for a series of injuries to other pitchers. While the injuries may seem coincidental, I was curious if they were somehow connected. So I called the emergency contact number on Jimenez's World Series field trip permission slip, and I wound up leaving a voicemail with the Denver Chapter of Freemasons. I hope they have time to return my ++++++NO CARRIER++++++++

Wait, the inning's over? Scheisst, that was fast.

Top 1st

Willy Taveras, as told by Tim McCarver, needs to get to Curt Schilling early. How early? 9 a.m.? He reaches first on a leadoff ow-goddamn-that-hit-me. (OGTHM is the new HBP). Kaz Matsui — suddenly referred to as "Kazuo" by Jamey Carrell and Joe Buck, for some reason — flies out yards from the green wall. He is not getting to Curt Schilling early. He is not listening to Tim McCarver. With Matt Holliday up, Taveras darts for the taco ... ooh, nullified by the hit-and-run. Lowell can't come up with it, and Taveras hustles to third. Holliday roooo-ooooo-oooo-ooo—ooo-ooooode into second after Lowell's throw to third kinda gets near Schilling covering. (Holliday roooo-ooooo-oooo-ooo—ooo-ooooode!)

And here's Todd Helton. The veteran. Taveras trots home after Helton's grounder to first. What a deserving RBI. He's a veteran ballplayer, and now he has an RBI in the World Series. [single tear]

Garrett Atkins is content with the lead. Out he goes.

James Taylor, eh? ♫ Ooh, I've seen stars, and I've seen stripes / I've seen bombs in the air that I thought would never burst / I've seen star-spangled banners that continue to wave / In the land that's free and the home of the brave ♫

Pre-Telecast Babble
If a World Series game and a movie at the theaters "start" at 8 p.m., which one starts first? It seems that the wait time for a movie is longer, because every time I go out to see a flick I unjumble the name "Orlando Bloom" at least twice. So there's no good reason to flip over to Fox "early," especially since the syndicated show preceding Game 2 is TMZ, and I have no intention of cerebral stigmata at this time. But I did accidentally catch 10 seconds of the show before my instincts kicked me over to Discovery, so apologies in advance if a future punch line references Britney Spears driving a car.

(Note: As soon as I switched to "Man vs. Wild," I was informed in the very next commercial that there's only one October.)

So settle in, citizens. I probably have nothing to comment on Fox's pregame coverage, but I have a feeling how it'll go:

Jeanie Zelasko: "Hi, I'm Jeanie Zelasko, and there's Kevin Kennedy, Eric Karros, and Eric Byrnes. Two Erics! Isn't that wild?"

Kevin Kennedy: "I think the key here for the Rockies will be getting to the pitcher early. If they let Curt Schilling go six innings without scoring, they'll be in a difficult position."

Eric Karros: "What he said."

Eric Byrnes: "I AM INTENSE AND UNPREDICTABLE! FLIBBITY FLOO!"

Jeanie Zelasko: "Wow, I'm not going to comment on that! [forced embarassed chuckle] Well be right back!"

———————————————

Postgame Coverage

It appears that some ruffians took off with Fox's on-the-field studio. You'll have that when your security guard is the old man from Hobgoblins.

Okay, I'm officially done. Every last of forced interest is gone from my auxiliary reservoir. End transmission.

Top 9th

Remember, Eric Gagne: Regardless of the score, it's a save ... if you believe it's a safe. His jersey number is .. 83. All the other numbers were taken by spring non-roster invites, who wouldn't trade their number for anything Gagne owned. His locker is in Storage B. His goggles are actually made of cellophane.

And yes, he ends the game by getting all three batters out. But I will say this. That first inning? Amazing.

For those who stuck with me to the very end, I thank you, but cannot provide you with anything tangible, except my discarded Baked Cheetos bag.

Bottom 8th

Take us home, LaTroy Hawkins. I know a shortcut.

Pinch hitting for David Ortiz isn't a bad idea. Especially if it's:

Hinske has not been able to repeat his performance he had back in 2002 when he won Rookie of the Year. That's because, as the San Francisco Chronicle learned right before the World Series began, Hinske received several shipments of breakfast Hot Pockets delivered to his house in his name. He claimed to have had only consumed Hot Pockets with advice from a doctor, but the doctor was actually a Hot Pockets box wearing a stethoscope.

Coco Crisp pinch-hits for Ramirez. He's out. That's all the batting for Boston tonight.

ɥʇ8 do | 

Alex Cora replaces Julio Lugo at short, and McCarver says this may be the only chance Cora gets into a World Series game, because of how good Lugo's been playing. What I pray to God that McCarver is insinuating is that we'll have no more 13-1 games in the series. Yes, kids, my hopes of this series turning around into something interesting hinges upon a prediction by Tim McCarver. My soul shrieks with terror.

Mike Timlin refuses to mess around. The Rockies go down quietly.

Bottom 7th

Point of order on "God Bless America." If there's foam in our oceans, how do the fish not suffocate?

Oh ... hey, Jeremy Affeldt. Didn't see you there. Beyond a Julio Lugo single to center, exactly nothing interesting happened, save for Joe Buck comparing Beckett's postseason numbers to that of Bob Gibson's and Orel Hershiser's (Bowling Green!) in the playoffs.

Seventh Inning Stretch Video Of The Best Damn Chinese Asian Marimba Band Ever

Top 7th

Josh Beckett was probably the kind of bully who gave kids swirlies in middle school, but kept their head underwater just a bit too long and kept flushing. That's why he's still out there, striking out folk like Brad Hawpe, taking the anger from his inner neglected quiche complex out on the opposing batters. Preventing a nice, clean, 1-2-3 inning, Tulowitzki's double skitters up the left-field stands, but that's all they had going.

We'll probably see Manny Delcarmen in the next inning.

Bottom 6th

<self-motivation>Okay, Sussman. Four more innings. Just do some good mop-up work and come back in Game Two, a refreshed human.</self-motivation>

Ortiz flies out to left and breaks his bat. And with Ramirez batting, let's step aside for a moment:

This one is actually infallible, and it's quite sad that I remember it. In 2003, Herges appeared in NBC's remake of "Let's Make A Deal," in which a contestant tried to throw a baseball faster than Herges's non-pitching hand. But to show you I'm only a 99 percent photographic-memorial loser, I don't know who won. But when you have arcane Matt Herges trivia lodged in your memory somehow, no matter how incomplete ... and the lead is 12 ... you share.

Ramirez is out, and the first two batters go down. You'd think that getting the first two batters out would be beneficial, but look at the fifth inning. It's clearly not the case. Tim McCarver's mind is blown, because he thought leadoff home runs were better than back-to-back outs.

Ah, here we are. Herges walks Lowell. How about six more doubles, capped off by seven walks? Or ... a strikeout courtesy of Jason Varitek. Either way.

Top 6th

All right, boys, 1-2-3 innings across the board. S'awl 'ight? "S'awl 'ight."

Oh, don't mind me. Kaz Matsui beats out that hit, and a "rally" begins. They're calling it an error, however. At this point, there's no need to argue the ruling. Holliday grounds into an easy double play for Pedroia and Lugo. Okay, good, that'll hasten my ability to sleep tonight. Helton's single up the middle, conversely, won't. Atkins flies out, drastically reducing the number of paragraphs from last inning (15 ... and one YouTube) to just two.

Bottom 5th

So now I'm gonna start reading ESPN Conversation to feel better about myself and my opposite predictions coming true. So I bring you, Natumba:

Shut up Buck. Whattya mean it's getting interesting. One on, two out, 3-1 on the batter. We're up five condom head.

Hey, look, new pitcher. Franklin Morales. Julio Lugo reaches base, but then is forced out on Ellsbury's nubber to first. Right before Pedroia grounds out, they bring up the free taco promotion.

Balk on Morales. Everyone gets free cinnamon sticks. ... aw, shitabrick. McCarver makes a similar joke. I'm gonna go cut myself now.

Youkilis doubles to left. Christ, that wall's got so many marks on it from doubles, it might need to check into a women's shelter for the night. Ortiz takes it easy on the wall, and instead cranks a double to the deep, triangular portion of right-center. Youkilis trots home. And Morales is pitching to Manny rather than walking home and bringing up Lowell, proof that playing the Rockies is not the same thing as playing a PlayStation baseball game on Rookie mode, despite all the scoring and all the doubles.

Ramirez bloops one over Tulowitzki's glove, and Ortiz makes it into home.

Chris Myers said that the Rockies faced the Cubs and the Diamondbacks in the postseason. Partial credit! 50 percent. Frowny face sticker. See me after class.

Well, everyone's just a big bowl of wrong tonight, including myself. Lowell gets himself one of those doubles. Put Carl Yastrzemski in there. He'll likely get you two bases tonight.

Fox shows the Massachusetts chapter of "Stomp" again, with the graphic: "RED SOX BULLPEN, AUDITIONING FOR NEW EPISODE OF 'THE NEXT GREAT AMERICAN BAND" You know what? For Fox, that's not bad. For Fox.

I didn't see how the bases became loaded, but I'll assume it somehow involved doubles. J.D. Drew grounds to short, and Tulowitzki is no longer the defensive prodigy he was touted in several on-screen graphics. I'm so disillusioned.

Morales gets the hook. I have four more innings to live blog of a 10-1 game. Goody!

Ryan Speier, end this inning. I'm in Ohio and Speier is in Massachusetts, so he didn't hear me, and he walks Lugo. Rotate bases, everyone. McCarver is now deducing that the layoff affected this Rockies pitching staff. Durrrr. Another walk, another run. At this point I'm about as suicidal as whoever's sitting next to Ted Striker on the airplane.

It's now 12-1, which is the score the Mighty Ducks fell to Iceland in the sequel. Which reminds me ... how the fuck did Iceland become a villain in a Disney movie? Did some higher-up have his luggage lost in Reykjavík and took it out on the major plot point of D2?

Another b'loaded walk. Speier gets detention. You know what? I'm just going to sit here, arms folded, until Colorado finds someone in their bullpen capable of recording an out in the bottom of this lineup.

Fox plays the Pointer Sisters' pinball song. A tip of the hat to that. God, I'm desperate enough to post that:

Looky! An out! The fifth is over!

Top 5th

Oh, the fortune! How it reverses! Troy Tulowitzki grounds out to short. Julio Lugo was able to field that ball, so it looks like anyone can be a great defensive shortstop. Next, Torrealba fails at making contact, and Beckett continues the nipple-twisting by striking out Ryan Spi... wow, never mind. Two very close two-strikes pitches are called outside, and Spilborghs walkghs to first.

Now Beckett's falling behind to Taveras. Could this be their two-out rally? Why, of course not. He pops out to Pedroia. I'm starting to feel like Jay from Dogma: "Beautiful, naked, big-titted women don't just fall out of the sky, you know!"

Bottom 4th

I missed the part of the conversation Fox eavesdropped upon, where umpire Ed Montague wanted to delay the game, but the Red Sox groundskeeper checked his iPhone and the radar looked like it was going to clear up, and they could still play ball.

Pedroia grounds to Tulowitzki, who makes a semi-awesome routine play, getting him out. The crowd reacts by either saying "Youuuuk" or "Tuuuuuuulowitzki." Could go either way. Youkilis impatiently fouls the ball near the tarp, and suddenly that's two out. I have a feeling this game may stay 4-1 for a while.

I think I subconsciously said that in the hopes that somebody else score, because Ortiz lined a ball to left. Much like playing with one's food before he eats it, Manny Ramirez toys around with a full count before doubling to right. Take those celery sticks out of your mouth, Manny. You're not a walrus. But Ortiz struts to third, and Mike Lowell's being intentionally walked. Um, really? Yes, it loads the bases and puts the forceout at any base, but last I checked, Lowell's not hitting so well today. I'd rather face Lowell over Varitek.

The pitching coach comes out to the mound and talk with Francis, likely to change some American dollars into loonies and toonies. Who can blame him? Dollar coins are fun, and the two-dollar coins look like they contain chocolate.

The Red Sox bullpen are brushing up on their percussive talents. I hear they're going to have a drum-off with Buddy Rich between innings.

You knew it all, didn't you, Rockies? Varitek doubles down the line, and two more runs cross.

J.D. Drew enjoys 6-1 leads, so he strikes out.

Top 4th

The rain is getting thicker ... And LEON'S GETTING L-L-L-L-ARGER!

Holliday grounds out, and it looks like Beckett is settling down. Hey, speaking of:

People always ask how Josh Beckett can get his curveball to drop so magnificently. But nobody asks him how he gets his spinach quiche to rise so magically. And this is why, when the cameras shut off and the reporters leave the room, he weeps silently in front of his locker.

Helton yanked a double. What a veteran. He totally deserved to reach second right there. And in the World Series, of all places.

And there's said curveball. Atkins wants a piece of it, and is rejected, striking out. Don't worry. You may have a piece of Beckett's quiche after the game. All you have to do is ask. Brad Hawpe follows suit, striking out for the second time tonight. Helton didn't deserve to be stranded at second, being the veteran that he is.

Bottom 3rd

True or Not True? E*TRADE hired Adam Sandler to yell, "DOWN ... ON ... THE ... FLOOR!"

Varitek whiffs on a 1-2 pitch, bringing us to our weather report from Chris Myers. So let me get this straight. There's a big ass green wall in left field, and it's not used to serve as a backdrop for a Super Woppler Boppler Doppler radar? But in conclusion, it might rain, then it might not. Thanks, Hippy Dippy Weather Man!

J.D. Drew? No, he doesn't reach base. Why would you say such a thing?

Julio Lugo bunts toward third, going under Atkins' bare hand. On the replay, Tim McCarver hammers down the point that bunting for a base hit is a good play if you can run fast. Someone had to hit the nail. Furthermore, bunting for a home run is a good play only if you have the power to do such.

Ellsbury grounds out, and the Red Sox don't score a run in an inning since the sixth inning of Game 7, a streak spanning four days. Impressive.

Top 3rd

Ryan Spilborghs watches three high fastballs go by. I don't know what he's waiting for. Ah, to line right to Pedroia. Maybe if I'd stop asking questions out loud, they'd be answered 10 seconds later. Taveras flies to left, and it hangs enough for Manny Ramirez to get to it. Wasn't exactly a basket catch ... more like a colander catch. In fact, I'm picturing Ramirez coming out in the fourth with a colander instead of a mitt. What a free spirit.

Matsui pops to short, and that was fast.

Bottom 2nd

Jerry Seinfeld's in a Hewlett Packard commercial. Who are the ad wizards who came up with that one?

We don't know how much longer Jeff Francis will be in here, so we might as well begin today's lesson:

Francis grew up with aspirations to be a physicist, and pursued such a degree while studying at the University of British Columbia. Showing a boatload of promise with his natural curiosity for the world around him, he was ultimately shunned by the scientific community, after he announced his field study hypothesis: to prove that a pitcher can win 17 games with the Colorado Rockies.

Jacoby Ellsbury strikes out, and Pedroia grounds to third. Two quick outs. But Youkilis turns an 0-2 count into a walk. That was in his fortune cookie.

Fox outdoes my Fun Fallible Fact with their investigative work on Jeff Francis trivia. Turns out he likes cheeseburgers. Who'd have guessed?

Ortiz lines right over Tulowitzki's glove, and it rolls to the wall. Coupled with a brief Yakety Sax moment between Holliday and Taveras to field that ball, Youkilis defies his omniscient ability to walk by running all the way from first toward home. There's a throw to the plate... and KY slides in without a problem. Which is exactly why they make KY in the first place.

So Manny Ramirez is purposely walked, and Mike Lowell pops to Matsui. Somewhere, a Fox intern is re-lacquering Zelasko's wig.

Top 2nd

So now the Rockies have to start some... nah, strikeouts are more fun. Beckett's fourth straight K comes at the expense of Todd Helton. His fifth straight ... won't happen. Garrett Atkins towers a ball to left, and it bounces off the wall at about an 80 degree angle. Video replay confirms that — that's right, Fox! — the ball bounced back off the wall into Manny's hand. If it don't bounce back ... [mmheeheeheehee] ... YOU GO HUNGRY, BOW BOW BOW!

Brad Hawpe, you're the fifth strikeout! How's it feel? Troy Tulowitzki corks a double off the wall, actually hitting the top of the scoreboard, which is where the Rockies suddenly found themselves on as Atkins crosses home. Yorvit Torrealba splinters the bat, all for a groundout to Julio Lugo. What a shameful way for a piece of lumber to render itself useless.

Bottom 1st

Carl Yastrzemski announces the Red Sox lineup for the telecast, then show footage of him throwing out the first pitch. And that's in the dirt. Yet I didn't see that ball credited to Willy Taveras's batting count. And ... hey, that's fast. Dustin Pedroia slams the second pitch to the tippy-top of the wall. It bounces back in, but they say it's a home run.

Kevin Youkilis answers with a double to right-center, and hey, maybe this series doesn't go five. David Ortiz attempts a bunt toward third base, and if you ever wondered why Ortiz doesn't just try that every time they pull the shift on him, there's video proof why. So he just grounds to Helton, which does just as much as a bunt. And there's Manny Ramirez, lacing the first pitch into left field. Two! Two runs! Ah Ah Ah.

Francis' on-screen scouting report: "FIRST INNING A PROBLEM." Well, now you tell us. They should have started Herges in the first, then brought in Francis in the second. That woulda done the trick. Mike Lowell flies to right for the second out.

And here comes Jason ... Varitek? Wasn't that the breed of magical robot soldier created in Final Fantasy III? Even if it's not, he singles to left. Kefka laughs in the distance. Following that, J.D. Drew doubles to right, and Manny scores the third run. Because I watched Big Trouble last night on Comedy Central, Josh Beckett is currently in the dugout saying, "If I don't throw something soon, I'm gonna forget how."

Jeff Francis throws a "spike curve" to Julio Lugo, a term Tim McCarver has never heard of, yet just said. Must've come to him in a dream ... oh, the Rockies pitching coach told him about it. Lugo grounds to third, and Atkins just barely throws him out. Two runners left on base. Pssh. How un-clutch.

Top 1st

Josh Beckett is warming up on the mound, and Tim McCarver is giving the scouting report so we're only five commercial breaks away from the first pitch.

Ah, Wily Taveras is in the batter's box, practicing his swing. Only two more Fox promos before first pitch. And Beckett strikes out Taveras staring. Matsui works the count to 3-0, but working a count to 3-0 is like growing a beard. Little action needs to be taken. Still, Beckett battles back, striking out Matsui. Here comes Matt Holliday. He could be the MVP of the... check that, Beckett strikes him out too. The fielders were foolish to ever leave the dugout.

We're In The Booth With Joe And Tim

The Fox production team looks ready to do this. They just got a shipment of smelling salts in case McCarver dozes off.

All right, montage of the Rockies and their stats. Now we're ready to start this ... [cut to commercial] OH COME ON.

National Anthem

John Williams is conducting the orchestra playing The Star Spangled Banner. So you can't write this World Series script, but apparently the accompanying score doesn't write itself either. Oh gaaaaaaaak. Something sounded extremely off key in the opening.

Announcement of the Lineups

The Rockies' silver shoulder stripe closely resembles that of the umpires. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

And Terry Francona is announced. He is never not chewing something. He makes his dentist scrape and floss around the wad.

Pregame Ballyhoo

Ah, the sweet siren sound of Zelasko, And .. Is he there? Is that his hair? Why, yes! The scrappy, wacky, in-your-face Eric Byrnes is at the pre-game booth! I AM SUDDENLY EXPONENTIALLY FILLED WITH CONCENTRATED EXTREME!

Will the layoff affect Colorado? Eric Byrnes has a sheet of paper with numbers that says it won't. Well, I too have a piece of paper filled with numbers that contradicts his numbers. 900 738-2428 ... 900-HOT-TIME ... wait, crap, this is just my little black book. And then Byrnes counterpoints his own point saying the Red Sox will win, so he won't get booed. I still have faith in Boston for them to find a reason to hate Eric Byrnes.

Wait ... Byrnes once played for the Rockies. How did I just come to realizing this?

Pre-Telecast Babble

Perhaps it's for the best that both the Indians and Diamondbacks tanked in the LCS. Due to my soft spot for both of those teams, a Cleveland-Arizona matchup would have transformed me a newborn baby's skull. And we don't want that.

I should probably make a prediction before the thing begins, as is the style at the time. Although we'd all love to see this one go to six or seven games, that hasn't happened for a few years. So I'll have to say somebody sweeps this bad boy. It's absolutely not what I want to see happen, but it appears as lucid as any prediction culled from the miasma of human foresight.

Oh, I have to pick a team? Fine ... Red Sox in four.

So with nothing left to do but picture Jeanie Zelasko completely hairless on her head, let's break down ESPN's featured comment by skysoxfan18:

I think the History Channel (if it were to happen) is going to showcase this year's World Series as part of its coverage, because this will be one of the best World Series to watch. Why? Finally a team from the far West Coast is playing a respected East Coast team.

I think the History Channel (if it were to happen) is going to showcase this year's World Series as part of its coverage

Finally a team from the far West Coast is playing a respected East Coast team.