I have not observed or participated in a sporting event in person, with the exception of an insane competitive game of super-homo water volleyball last weekend, which, OMG, and also a couple of dumb media league softball games (I believe I did bat in a double), since the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics field hockey.

(I am old.) So I had no idea that you sports fans were getting JACKED. $8.75 for a goddammned beer in San Francisco's "AT&T Park"? What is that beer made of, frankincense and ground-up elves? Recent actual math conducted by the Wall Street Journal correlates these outrageous beer prices with winningness, and finds: "A team with a .600 winning percentage charges, on average, about $1.30 more for a 16-ounce beer than does a team with a .400 percentage." But doesn't that just screw the fan? Don't winning teams, eventually, earn better than loserdogs? At least the most beer-screwed attendee, ounce per ounce, is at Fenway Park, where everybody can suck it.

I am a former Yankees fan who has long since seen the light (the light being that the Yankees epitomize pretty much everything that is wrong and horrible about New York City.) Men in sports that I would like to sleep with, in order, if I were not previously occupied, include: Ben Roethlisberger (oh c'mon, as if you don't expect some man on man phone sex lines to show up in the phone records-seizing discovery period of his rape lawsuit!); little tennis critter Mike Bryan BUT NOT his evil twin Bob; YES Network yes-man and former Yankee d-bag Paul O'Neill (totally grudgey); and of course Caster Semenya. (Hayyy.) Oh and Shawne Merriman. If it's good enough for a not at all drunk Tila Tequila, it's good enough for me. NOW LET'S GET TO THE SPORTS.

I'm going to say "lynx", but who the hell really knows? What matters is that it has its tags and is currently on sale for the discount price of $1,000. And I'm sure with just a quick jersey change it could easily be re-purposed for fans of Arizona, Villanova, New Hampshire, Davidson, Kansas State or Goldie Hawn. Send it in, Mr. Whiskers!

Original ad preserved below for posterity and future court proceedings.

University of Kentucky Slam Dunkin Wildcat - $1000 (Hurley, VA) [Craigslist]

Is it the stolen Monday Night Football theme? The low rent "highlight" package at the beginning? The awesome URL? The bonus coin? The eight more bonus coins with handsome carrying case? This might be the classiest currency related marketing campaign since the September 11 $20 bill.

I think the part that I like best, though, is the opportunity to forever memorialize Brett Favre using legal tender ... but only as a Green Bay Packer. I dare someone to buy a bag of Doritos at the Fond du Lac Walgreens with one of these babies and not get their ass handed to them six ways to Sunday by the cashier.

• The Brett Favre Coin [GreatQB.com]

• "Kobe managed to get them atop the ultra-competitive Western Conference." — AI121

Previous ESPN Featured Comment of the Day, plus a Featured Deadspin Response or two ...

• "I'm confident they have what it takes to beat the Celtics. Not a sweep, but maybe in seven." — getyappcrnredy24

(Re: Hawks make playoffs)

• I'm confident they have what it takes to beat the Celtics. Not in basketball though. Some other sport, not yet invented.-getyapppycrnreddy24 — Jubilation T. Cornpone

• I'm confident that these bears have accepted YEEEEAAGGGGHHHHH!"- TTreadwell1957-2003 — Gormet Spud

• The Hawks made the playoffs? Dear Lord, how long was I frozen for? - SteveAkaGorak — dhochbaum