-The ESPY Awards went down last night. LeBron topped Kobe, Phelps topped everyone, and Samuel L. Jackson collected another easy paycheck.

-Yao Ming becomes sole owner of the Shanghai Sharks. Houston collectively craps its pants over the prospect of him making post-playing career plans.

-The world's longest golf course, stretching 850 miles across the Australian Outback, will open in October. John Daly has already promised to reach the green in two.

-Because no one told the feds that we're all kind of over this whole steroids thing, they subpoena the owner of Roger Clemens's gym.

-Islanders ink first overall pick John Tavares to a 3-year contract. To bad by the time the Nassau Coliseum lease expires in 2015, he'll have skipped town in 2012.

-Dana White says Shaq wants to fight Brock Lesnar. That would never happen. It's not like MMA is some kind of freak show or anything.

-Amazingly SFW video of the world's strongest vagina in action. It's like a Bond villain come to life.

As noted yesterday, the Rockets only seem to get better by removing stars from their lineup. Aaron Brooks, whom I'm told is not the former quarterback for the New Orleans Saints, scored 34 points as Houston played its best game of the season without Tracy McGrady or Yao Ming. It was pretty embarrassing for the Lakers. I'm sorry—Phil Jackson doesn't get fucking embarrassed.

Anyway, Brooks says everyone on the team has one of these snazzy red jackets and he was told that wearing them was mandatory, so he decided to take it up a notch with the kick-ass bow tie. Brooks was later taken out back to have his kneecaps broken in order to keep the "lose a player, win a game" strategy rolling.

Aaron Brooks will shred your defense, clear your plates [Ball Don't Lie]
Phil Jackson believed the Rockets should get "****ing" credit [Outside The Boxscore]

In the final minute of Houston's series clinching win over Portland, a classic Artest hustle play ended up with him somewhere around Row 15, where appreciative Rockets fans offered him a seat and a beer. (To drink this time!) Then at the post-game press conference, everyone got all misty-eyed and had a nice chuckle over it, because it was oddly reminiscent of that one time when Ron charged into the stands at Detroit and tried to kill a man with his fists.

See, that was funny because it started a riot that destroyed the Indiana Pacers franchise and forever branded Artest as a wild, unbalanced thug who should never be allowed in public without leg irons. More like a laugh riot, am I right?

Artest-Yao press conference [video via NBA.com]

Awwwww, right? So this guy I kind of know predicts the Blazers will beat the Rockets, only to be "schooled" as the saying goes by the Lakers, but adds that it will be "valuable experience for this promising young team," which is sort of how I feel about all my humiliations minus I guess the parts about "young" and "promising."

I find it always helps whenever I am writing about a challenging new topic to find sympathetic characters to whom I can relate and reading the internet I am starting to feel like this Greg Oden guy might understand. If A.J. fires me tonight maybe I'll just start a screenplay about what would happen if we met and by some unlikely sequence of events found ourselves charged with looking after an ethnically-diverse passel of potty-mouthed pipsqueaks, like a sort of fusion of Ghost World and Dangerous Minds. Probably though I will just get drunk.

Spanish news site, Soitu's article suggests that the international media are making too big of a deal of the "slit-eye" photo. Their article commences: "What began as a simple graceful photo to wish luck to the Spanish basketball team in the Olympic Games has finished with accusations of racism and discrimination in the foreign press."

Yes, of course, a simple, graceful photo.

The fact that this photo exists isn't a huge surprise. Basketball players aren't renowned for their worldly perspective. What's unique about this photograph is that it ran in two of Spain's biggest newspapers. As an advertisement for a courier service, no less. And not one single person in Spain thought it was the least bit offensive. Only when other countries saw the photograph did it become an issue. Put it this way, what would have happened in America if the U.S. Basketball team posed for these photos on behalf of Fed Ex? Yeah, thought so. The Spanish press doesn't think these photos are a big deal, but the rest of the world disagrees.

¿Te parece ofensiva esta foto? [Soitu]
Spain basketball team add victory to insult against China [The Guardian]

The crowd was amped as Yao Ming got things started with an explosive three. The three point line in the Olympics is three feet closer than in the NBA, which is nice. Dwight Howard's dunk got things started for the US before the Chinese dropped two more threes. The pace of the game is definitely set at quick.

The US went up 28-32 early in the second quarter, but China kept it together with some more threes. With two minutes to go in the first half, it became the LeBron show with the US on a 16-3 run, putting them ahead of China by 11. China started to panic and put up some really sloppy shots. With a lot of passing and quick runs, the US is wearing their opponents out.

One half down and no sign of a LeBron flop. It's apparent that while the Chinese are great in the paint, their perimeter defense is severely lacking. They also lack depth, which puts them at risk for fading in the second half. The US ends the first half up 49-37. LeBron is leading the U.S. team, shooting 5-8 from the field with 11 points and 4 rebounds.

Feel free to turn this into a live thread throughout the second half. I'll be back with a wrap-up after the game.

Yao expressed some concern about whether or not Artest would still be fighting and going into the stands. Which isn't that big of a surprise considering that the Chinese calendar says it's still 2004. But Ron Artest wasn't pleased by the comments. So he did what Ron Artest always does, gave the Houston Chronicle a cogent explanation of his position. That, or said that Yao hadn't really played with any black basketball players yet. Okay, the latter.

Artest told the Houston Chronicle:

This is Tracy (McGrady) and Yao’s team, you know,” Artest said. “I’m not going to take it personal. I understand what Yao said, but I’m still ghetto. That’s not going to change. I’m never going to change my culture. Yao has played with a lot of black players, but I don’t think he’s ever played with a black player that really represents his culture as much as I represent my culture.

Well, this clears it up. Ron Artest—black cultural spokesperson.

Despite Yao's comments Artest seems happy about future [Houston Chronicle]

So, most Chinese athletes have stopped using. Except Yao Ming, who's apparently mainlining deer penis like a sweaty junkie in order to bounce back from his foot surgery. Ming's agent in China, Eric Zhang Mingji (rhymes with "fling-shee") says that Yao ain't stopping. "He will be taking Chinese medicines but hasn't started on the treatment yet,'' he tells Bloomberg News.

Will Yao actually risk disgracing his country? Still too early to tell. But we've all read enough Jim Carroll and William s. Burroughs to know how overpowering and soul-erasing an addiction to deer penis can be. Somebody should really intervene if they want to have Yao in uniform in '08.

Deer Penis Loses Flavor as China's Olympians Fear Drug Testers [Bloomberg]

It's not clear whether this is ginseng, or acupuncture, or just a bunch of people whacking him with sticks, but we can understand why the Rockets might be somewhat concerned. When we think of non-Western medicine — not that China is some tiny, struggling country, mind you — we always think of the end of Man In The Moon, when Andy Kaufman is being "treated" for his cancer.

Of course, it's not like our medicine is so hot either. Heck, even Airborne's full of crap now. But if Yao gets fibromyalgia, man, we've got him covered over here.

Oh, Yeah, This Sounds Like A Great Idea [The Howeva Files]

Tonight will bring the first NBA meeting of Houston's Yao Ming and the player expected to be the next Chinese NBA star, Milwaukee's Yi Jianlian, an occasion that could draw the largest global audience to see an NBA game.

The game will be on 19 networks in China, including CCTV-5, Guangdong TV, Guangzhou TV, and ESPN Star Sports in Hong Kong and Taiwan. It also will be available live through two Webcasters. Though ratings estimates in China are difficult and vary widely, today's game is said to be certain to draw 150 million viewers and could reach 250 million. CCTV-5 alone is available in 210 million households.

Fun fact: It will also be the first NBA game to include players from six continents. Sorry, Antarctica!

But as AA wonders, will anyone in the U.S. care? (it's not even being shown nationally here). Is David Stern's globalization of the NBA really becoming the soccerization of the NBA? Not for me. I haven't been this excited about a matchup since Bruce Lee vs. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in Game of Death.

Yikes! Yao Vs. Yi Is Huge [Houston Chronicle]
Is Anyone Aware That The Largest Television Audience Ever For A Sporting Event Could Take Place Tonight? [Awful Announcing]

Anyway, as another example of how Ming is a different celebrity than most, the big "controversy" about his wedding is whether they ate shark fin. A spokesperson defended Yao.

[And with regards to the sharks fin rumours] On behalf of the wedded couple, I'd like to thank you all for the stories that have appeared on the internet and in print, but I'd like to point out that there were some untruths in those stories, for instance, that there was a dish by the name of "Braised bamboo fungus and fish maw in sharks fin" on the menu. As we all know, Yao Ming is the frontman of the "Protecting sharks begins with me" campaign and he has promised at the WildAid event that he would not eat sharks fin at any time or under any circumstance. Hence, there was no sharks fin at the wedding tonight.

Ah, China: They actually thank people for untruthful stories on the Internet. So polite, as along as you don't, you know, live in Tibet, or Sudan, or ... well, lots of places, actually.

So What Was Really On The Menu At Yao Ming's Wedding? [Shanghaiist]

• The Tao Of Yao. Can life truly be in balance without Yao Ming and Shaquille O'Neal on their respective active rosters? Both are now back, and the forces of nature are now in harmony once again. Of course, as the great Daoist philosophers have said, it may take some time to work out the kinks. Ming returned from a two-month layoff due to a leg injury, but LeBron James and the Cavaliers were still too much in a 91-85 win over the Rockets. James had 32 points, 12 rebounds and eight assists. Yao (16 points, 11 rebounds) said he felt "like a high school player," with his first shot an air ball. But he rallied quickly and had a strong fourth quarter.

• Tall Tales. And speaking of Shaquille O'Neal, his 14 points and nine rebounds helped lead Miami past Atlanta 88-81, the first time the Heat have been above .500 since early December. Eddie Jones had 21 points for Miami. Dwyane Wade, by the way, has decided to postpone surgery and try to get back into the Heat lineup by April.

• Don Nelson Reaches Out To Star Wars Fans. Attempting to expand his fan base, Warriors coach Don Nelson had this to say of his team's 111-93 win over the Pistons in Auburn Hills: "I don't know if the force was with us tonight or if we just played pretty well. We made shots and that always helps.'' Jason Richardson, who grew up in the Auburn Hills area and played for Michigan State, scored a season-high 29 points for the Warriors.

• We'll Trade You Two Leon Powes And A Stromile Swift. In Japan, schoolchildren are often admonished for exchanging their popular and whimsical Hedo Turkoglu trading cards during school, even though he's actually from Turkey. And Turkoglumania is beginning to take over America, as his season-high 25 points led Orlando past Milwaukee 99-81. Turkoglu hit 10 of 14 shots from the field, with three 3-pointers.

With Tracy McGrady already on the shelf, the Rockets are now looking at playing a major part of their season without Yao Ming, too. Yao suffered a fracture of his right tibial plateau when Tim Thomas gave him the Kimo von Oelhoffen treatment last night.

The injury will keep him out for at least six weeks. Yao had been playing at an MVP-type level, even without McGrady, who has missed the last seven games with back spasms. Courtesy of the Elias Sports Bureau, the Rockets are 83-44 with McGrady and Yao in the lineup, and just 1-8 with neither of them playing.

'Tis a damn shame. Yao was playing the best basketball of his life, arguably the best basketball in the league, and he was cursing out Chris Kaman, to boot. What more can you ask from a player?

So enjoy your 40 minutes a night, Dikembe Mutombo. I'm sure that's just what the doctor ordered at the age of... well, however the hell old Dikembe Mutombo is. Someone should cut him open and count the rings.

• Ride Jeffy, Ride. OK, as of Monday night they are officially "the struggling New York Knicks," thanks in large part to Jeff Van Gundy. We all remember JVG; used to coach the Knicks, is now 7-1 against them as coach of the Houston Rockets and undefeated at MSG ... rode Alonzo Mourning's leg like a terrified jockey during that '98 playoff game against the Heat ... Yao Ming had 26 points, Rockets' 97, Knicks 90. New York 1-5 at home. Of course, Ming had an unfortunate experience with Nate Robinson, the video of which is at the end of this post. You hate to see that.

• Suns Stop Rampaging Warriors . Wait, the Warriors had a six-game home winning streak? Sweet biscuits and gravy. Steve Nash hit the tiebreaking 3-pointer with 4.1 seconds remaining as the Suns prevailed 113-110.

• Later They Stormed The Snack Bar. We have just one question, Johan Petro. Why do you hate America? With Navy personnel from his native France flying a French flag behind one basket, Petro had 12 points, six rebounds and three blocks to help lead the SuperSonics over the Nets 99-87.

• Just Try And Stop Them! Meet the Utah Jazz; off to the best start in franchise history at 10-1, which is also the best record in the NBA, beating the Raptors 101-96.

• Never Poke A Grizzly With A Stick. If you had a bunch of money on the Magic against the Grizzlies on Monday night, well, sorry man. You can crash on our sofa.