Florida Man has done a lot of ridiculous things, but his destructive lifestyle may have finally taken him one step too far beyond the bounds of good taste, for he has besmirched the reputation of an innocent bear.
On Thursday, a man from Lake County, Fla., reported that he was attacked by a bear outside of his mobile home, but was able to fight the beast off after being dragged into the street. Here's how the "attack" was originally described to reporters:
Josh Hennessy, 36, was sitting in a folding chair under an awning outside his father's mobile home sometime before 9:30 p.m. when he heard rustling in the bushes. He walked around the corner and the bear attacked, dragging him to the street, said his wife, Courtney Allstead-Hennessy, 33.
"I guess he startled it," she said.
Hennessy had bite marks on his side and road rash from rolling on the pavement while trying to fight off the animal, his wife said.
Well, guess what? That story was bullshit! An investigation by the Florida Fish & Wildlife Conservation Commission revealed that no bear attack actually occurred, and that all of Hennessy's injuries were the result of him falling down like a dummy while trying to chase the bear, which was apparently minding its own business. And one of his neighbors knew the story was bullshit all along.
From the Orlando Sentinel:
"It's bull. It's phony. It's fake," said Phillip Sulatycki, 36, who lives on the street behind Hennessy. "Anybody who has lived here in this park as long as I have, which is 15 years, knows the bears don't attack nobody. You drive up by them, they run. I literally come out my door at 1:30 in the moring to get in my car to go to work and, if the bear's sitting there, he's just looking at you. If he does anything, he just grunts."
How dare you, Florida Man. How dare you use an innocent bear as a means for disguising your clumsiness in a cloak of false valor. The bear is a proud animal that deserves to be treated with respect. You are shameful, and will never be worthy of facing him in true combat.