Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we’re covering porn for the blind, pizza swindles, giant insects, and more.
I was on a plane yesterday and had to drop anchor in the bathroom, so I sat down and did my business and then, without thinking, I did a courtesy flush while still sitting on the toilet. NEVER DO THIS ON AN AIRPLANE. I thought my dick was gonna get sucked out of the tailwing. Kind of exhilarating, frankly. That is one powerful poop vacuum.
Now that I’ve gotten that crucial bit of information out of the way, your letters:
What's the best historical rumor of all time? Kennedy brothers banging Monroe? Catherine the Great banging a horse? The whole Bristol Palin/Sarah Palin/Trigg Palin fiasco...
The best rumors are the ones that are so widespread that they take root in the cultural firmament and become, in essence, true for most people. In fact, they become the defining characteristic of that person. So Jimmy Hoffa is a good one because most people just think of him as the fucker who’s buried in the end zone at the old Giants Stadium. And the aliens housed at Area 51 rumor is awesome because it involves the supernatural—shit you desperately WANT to believe. You’re telling me Area 51 was just a confidential munitions dump? BOR-ING. Give me something to work with here.
Ooh, and what about Richard Gere sticking a gerbil up his ass? That poor bastard can debunk the myth all he wants, and yet every time I see him, I think about a small rodent suffocating to death inside his small intestine.
One other good one is the “Paul is Dead” rumor. Back in the day, you could spread a rumor about Paul McCartney dying and watch it grow over the course of weeks and weeks because there’s no asshole redirecting you to Snopes and being like FAAAAAAAAKE. Snopes ruins everything good. The Internet makes it easy to debunk juicy tidbits in a relative snap. Back in the day, everyone was a sucker. Rumors took forever to undo. Also, any rumor that involves Hitler or Elvis still being alive. Back in the 80s, Elvis sightings were on the cover of the Weekly World News every week. He was usually buying ice cream.
Anyway, these are all fine rumors, but my favorite rumor has been and always will be “You’re with me, Leather.”
What do you think would be the scariest insect if were the size of an average six-month-old labrador dog? Scorpian, spider, or bumblebee have to be the frontrunners right?
A while ago, someone suggested to me that an oversized, lobster-strength insect would actually be less frightening than a regular insect because... well, because lobsters aren’t scary and are delicious. However, that’s because a lobster usually comes to you dead. Or, at the very least, you get to watch it packed into a fish tank with its claws banded shut, as it tramples over its lobster buddies in a frantic search for open space. A lobster Manhattan, if you will. So they’re less threatening in that situation because HAHAHAHA STUPID LOBSTERS, NOW WE OWN YOUR SHIT.
But I think if I were asleep on a beach and I woke up and there was a lobster on my chest—a big five-pound lobster with its fucking claws free and ready to kill—I would shit my pants and run. I’ve gone crabbing before, and when you dip your hand in the water to pick up a crab, there’s that split second where you’re like Oh fuck that’s a live crab and he’s gonna pinch the shit out of me. Then they skitter away in a flash and your heart jumps out of your chest.
So anyway, you could choose pretty much any insect, blow it up to insane proportions, and terrorize the general population with it. I would least want to see a labrador-sized cockroach, because cockroaches are fucking awful. This is why I’ll never live in Brazil. At least a scorpion is cool looking. Giant cockroaches and wolf spiders would be awful to behold. Honorary mention to butterflies. Oh sure, they’re cute fluttering around your yard at normal size. But make them the size of pterodactyls? TERROR FROM THE SKIES.
My buddy's mom ordered a 14" pizza the other day. When she got it home it looked a bit small so she actually measured it with a measuring tape. It was only 12" across. She complained to the store and was told that the pizza was 14" before it was cooked and that's how they measure. I did the math and this picture shows how much pizza they were robbing her of. Is BIG PIZZA depriving us of all the pizza we're entitled to because they know we won't do the math? Is this how we can get children interested in math?
But that makes no sense. Pizza dough ought to EXPAND while cooking, right? That’s the yeast action at work. It doesn’t shrink, unless you order from Papa John’s, which uses a special propreitary crust that has cockroaches baked right into it.
Anyway, the lesson is to always order more pizza than you probably need. No one has ever regretted having leftover pizza to bring home. You’ll never order the proper amount regardless, so you may as well order eight pies too many. That’s my favorite part of the ordering process. “Do we need an extra pepperoni for the grownups? Maybe we get two extra. With sausage? WITH SAUSAGE.”
One other thing: restaurants that only serve personal-sized pizzas are crap. Gourmet pizza places will charge you $18 for a pizza that serves one goddamn person. It’s a disgrace. I went to one joint and they didn’t even slice mine because leaving it unsliced is “classic” Neopolitan style. Horseshit. I want my slice NOW. I don’t want to mangle this shit with a steak knife.
Imagine that every single season from here on out, Robert Griffin III plays at an All-Pro level for 10-15 games, and then every single year, he has a season-ending injury that keeps him out of the playoffs. Efforts to "rest" him fail; he gets hurt in occasional play or in practice. What would become of him? Would the Redskins (or another team) pay him All-Pro QB money and let him start the season despite being injured every single year?
No. If you know that he is destined to never finish a full season no matter what, he’s worthless. The NFL can talk all it likes about keeping players healthy, but coaches HATE perpetually injured players and always will, regardless of how much they can offer a team while healthy.
Ideally, you could platoon 80% RG3 with a second quarterback (shiny Kirk Cousins!) who would make the playoff run for you, but no team would ever do that because of cap space and internal politics. No starter-quality NFL QB is gonna be happy working as RG3’s closer. DURRRR THEY’RE COMPETITORS DURRRR. Quarterback is such an important position that any instability instantly throws the rest of the team off, which is why platoon quarterbacks have never worked in recent NFL history and they probably never will.
By the way, the calls for Kirk Cousins here in DC are hysterical because it’s more than likely that Kirk Cousins BLOWS. He had one and a half nice games last season and was underwhelming the rest of the time, but Skins fans act like they have Dan Marino waiting in the bullpen. JUST THROO IN COUSINS TO WIN A FEW GAMES FER US, COOCH!
How much would you pay to never have to smell another person's farts/shit again? Like, for the rest of your life, any time you walk into a bathroom, you smell no shit, nothing offensive. It isn't replaced with any other smell, it just doesn't smell to you.
What fun is that? Are you just gonna skate through life blissfully unaware of the savage beauty of another man’s fart? Wouldn’t that numb your soul? Louis CK demands you ditch the phone and smell MORE farts. Live, god dammit!
I wouldn’t pay anything for a smell ban, mostly because that smell is there to ALARM you. Like a person who cannot feel pain is in danger because they cannot detect injury, you want to be able to smell doodoo in case any of it gets ON you. Imagine paying a hundred bucks to never smell poop and then you get dogshit on your shoe and you track it all over the house because you didn’t realize it. You need the smell to warn you.
How many people alive today can say they've eaten panda?
A recent Slate article says that ancient man used to eat panda. And not just ANY Panda, but giant pandas! Perhaps labrador-sized pandas! TERRIFYING. Anyway, they note that a Chinese man served panda meat to his family back in 1983 (it tasted awful, apparently), so many of those family members are likely still alive. Killing a panda is illegal in China, perhaps the only conservation measure the country has ever adopted. China being China, I wouldn’t be shocked if they eventually found a Panda processing facility there that added fresh panda slurry to your chewing gum.
I just got engaged last week. I was feeling pretty good about myself the rest of that evening. Where does that rank among the highest levels of smug satisfaction one can feel in their life? Maybe below retirement and the birth of a baby, but I can't think of anything else.
It’s a great moment until your fiancee pauses and says OMG WE GOTTA START PLANNING! That usually takes about five minutes. But that time in between? ECSTASY. Your fiancee is as happy as she’s ever gonna be. And you feel all proud of yourself for tying down an attractive lady. SHE’S ALL MINE, GENTS! YOU CAN’T HAVE HER! You are young and beautiful and then time quickly begins chipping away at both qualities. CONGRATS!
If you’d like to know why so many people get married in a society where marriage often fails and men are taught to abhor monogamy, that little moment of ecstasy is why. The idea of asking someone to marry you and having them say yes is alluring that plenty of people will pop the question without thinking ANY of it through. They just want to hear the girl say yes and see her face beaming. So what if you live in different towns and you’re 15 years older than her and her father once threatened to kill you? YOU’LL MAKE IT WORK. There is some instinct within men to make women happy by declaring that they want to marry them. Ever say to a girl, “I want to marry you”? Not a flat-out proposal, just a little teaser of a proposal? Feels GREAT to say it, even when it’s a lie!
How many dozens of Krispy Kreme donuts do you think you could eat in a 24 hour period? Basic rules are you can have any type of donut you likey, chocolate, sprinkles, jelly filled, glazed, etc. You can throw up and poop if needed. You could take a nap if you wanted. I think in 24 hours I could probably finish somewhere between 3 and 4 dozen.
I tried to find someone on the Deadspin staff to do this but we’re all just old enough to be terrified of ingesting 10,000 calories in a single day. I would worry about growing a third boob that I could never work off. The only way to answer this question is by doing it and having no shame about it. If I tried it myself, I would hit the fifth donut and begin to have a nervous breakdown. Even now, when I get a single donut, I say to myself, “I shouldn’t finish this.” I finish it anyway, but the overriding shame doesn’t make it all that fun. You have to be willing to go for it, in which case I think I could maybe eat four dozen. I mean, allowing for vomit really makes a game of it.
An old hook up of mine sends me Family Feud app requests and in the back of my mind I think she'll want to dump her boyfriend if only I can finish her fast money round a few times. What are the chances of this actually happening? PS probably the nicest breasts I've come across.
Zero percent chance. Don’t let her toy with your emotions like that, especially via Family Feud. NAME SOMEONE WHO HAUNTS YOUR DREAMS. ***BUZZER***
Women are sometimes delightfully oblivious to your libido. “I need a partner for this game! Maybe I’ll poke Justin. I’m sure he won’t be thinking about all the times we had sex together AT ALL!” So diabolical. Filthy strumpet, can’t you see you’re driving this man wild?!
At what age does power become more attractive than money?
When you have enough money.
I grew up best friends with a now-rising left handed Oakland A's setup man. He was the pitcher and I was the catcher (GET IT...no, we really just played baseball and video games), from ages 7-15. Recently, I reconnected with him by sending him an emulator of Ken Griffey Junior Baseball for SNES, easily the greatest baseball video game start screen music of all time. ANYWAY, he invited me out for beers with "some buddies from the team" (presumably Jarrod Parker and/or Ryan Cook). AND I LEFT HIM HANGING. This was like 3 weeks ago or so. Just went on a few work travel trips and stupidly forgot. How do I rectify this? Can I?
You can’t. You blew it. And the worst part is that you’ll beat yourself up over it for years and years and years and you’ll hate yourself for getting so worked up for it because this wasn’t even about a girl. You just wanted a cool friend. Everyone wants cool friends.
We make fun of athletes here at Deadspin a lot, but deep down, I’m just as much of a jocksniffer as anyone else. If you said to me, “Hey Drew, wanna go out for beers with me and Peyton Manning?”, I would go flying out the door. Me? And a real live NFL player? Hanging out? HOLY SHIT THAT WOULD BE AWESOME. Then we would get to the bar and I would try to act cool be secretly I would be thinking, “That’s Peyton Manning! God, his skin is AWFUL. So shiny with grease. He needs to exfoliate. Still, so cool! Everyone’s looking at us! Too bad you filthy peasants don’t get to sit with Peyton the way I am!” I’d be like Stu Scott without the lazy eye.
My girlfriend feels it is necessary to open (or unwrap) all items she gets at fast food restaurants and look at the contents to make sure the order is correct and review the general construction of the item (taco, burgers, sandwiches, etc). I feel this is like seeing how the sausage is made. It drives me crazy, I don't want to see that. Stop messing with the food and just eat it.
I get why she would want to do that. I hate mayonnaise and whenever I get mayo on my sandwich despite asking for no mayo (NOTE: Happens all the goddamn time), I regret not opening the sandwich and inspecting it for all traces of white barf sauce.
But I rarely do a pre-meal walkthrough of my sandwich because opening the sandwich kills the magic. You’ll NEVER be able to put it back together again quite the same way. It was built and packed down with love and care, and ripping the top off just turns it into a fucking mess on a plate. Best to keep contain and ask questions later. Is there a hair in here? (keeps eating)
And doing for it something like a taco is complete lunacy. Does she dump the taco out and then re-assemble it? Does she do that with burritos? That’s a crime.
Let's say you are told by a reputable doctor that in one year, you will go totally and irrevocably blind. Now, naturally, you're going to spend a lot of time staring at your kids, and you'll want to pay a lot of attention to sunsets, clear starry nights, etc. Percentage-wise, how much of your time would you invest in watching porn/hot naked women? I mean, in one year, the First National Bank of Spank will not allow visual deposits, so you gotta save now, am I right? I say 20%.
I don’t think I’d jack up the porn intake because I would be too busy freaking out over my impending blindness. Hard to hop on the Bangbus when you’re in the middle of a nervous breakdown. Besides, I’m sure that the eventual total loss of my eyesight will allow me to enjoy the rich world of PORN AUDIOBOOKS. Those exist, right? They have to. I feel like making porn for the blind would be a noble pursuit. Why deprive them of such pleasures? And let’s close caption porn while we’re at it! If I’m deaf, I wanna know what the girl is saying! I wanna see a black bar on the bottom of the screen and a misspelled caption that says “LINK MY PEROGIE! [GROANING, SLAPPING]”
Would you rather be the first person to poop on the moon or the first person to masturbate on the moon? (Assume neither of these has happened already.)
But it has! There’s poop on the moon. And I’d rather be a dude who poops on the moon, because you can bring that up at parties and get a laugh. If you tell everyone you jacked off into the Sea of Tears, they’ll just look at you weird.
When you're on the jetway, just before you get on the plane, there's that bank of controls to the left. Am I the only one who always has the urge to step over and push everything? And isn't it weird that they're just sitting there, where anyone could theoretically do that? Or are they disabled somehow and playing with them with does nothing except get me arrested?
I think there’s a key. I think you need the key to start the thing. One time I was on a flight and we got to the jetway and had to wait 20 minutes because the jetway driver was at the other end of the airport or something. And when that happened, I was like FUCK THAT. Surely Jimmy Bob the baggage dude can commandeer the thing and move it four feet. Or let ME do it. Let me jump from the plane TO the jetway and move it over. If a plane landed and they opened up a door and gave me the option of jumping ten feet down and leaving the plane immediately, I would take it. I WANT OUT.
If you became immortal, how long would it take for someone to figure it out? I think a smart person could bounce from country to country and not get found out for a few hundred years.
Or longer. If you’re really committed to never being found, I don’t see why you couldn’t go undetected indefinitely. The only thing that would trip you up would be an issue with the law or some enterprising jounro-stud tracking you down and trying to find out your identity. MUCKRAKERS.
Say two popular teams make the Super Bowl and one team is down 4 points with two minutes left, on their own 5 yard line. What kind of news has to happen for FOX or whoever to cut away on that network (instead of just running a banner saying to tune into their alternate news channel), and not return to show the end of the game? Probably not a major celebrity death, nor any sort of big accident. Terrorist attack? Assassination? Stock market crash?
It would be something that caused the game itself to cease, like the assassination of a President or a nuke going off in a major American city. Even then, you’re so close to the end of the game that they would probably just finish it to get it out of the way so that everyone could then go home and freak out. If it occured earlier, like at halftime, then you could go ahead and postpone the second half. Everything at that moment would just stop. I assume. I mean, I hope the NFL wouldn’t be so craven as to play another half of football right after Chicago got wiped out. Then again... sponsor commitments!
If the NFL elected to continue with the game despite the tragedy, FOX would either direct you to FOX News channel for ongoing, incorrect coverage, or they would go split screen. “We just want to keep you advised of what’s going on in Chicago right now, namely that it isn’t there anymore. Back to Joe and Troy!”
Email of the week!
Dating myself with this, but back in the early 90’s I still had the majority of my music on cassette (~ 400 tapes). I was moving from Ohio to Virginia for my first job out of college, and headed south with all my vinyl but left the majority of the cassettes for the movers to pack and ship.
For reasons that will be quite obvious, my then (now ex-) wife, who hated my taste in music, decided to throw all of my cassettes in the trash before the move. She’d hoped I’d quit listening to metal as a result of her wise decision. She was and still is a moron.
My question – on an absolute evil scale ranging from Hitler to Satan’s nutsack, where does this act rank?
The worst. Who does that?
Art by Sam Woolley