The Last-Minute Hater's Guide To Canada

If you're as dedicated as I am to not doing anything, you're surely spending this afternoon watching the United States square off against Canada in the Olympic ice hockey semifinals. CANADA! Those horse-mounting salmon eaters needed to bribe a fucking post yesterday just to beat our women's team. They are a grotesquely bland half-continent of people. It's as if you took Minnesota Nice and crafted the second largest country in the world out of it. Like one giant, empty Lowe's.

And the worst thing is how PROUD Canadians are of their blandness, carefully stitching Canadian flags on their backpacks to let people in European countries know they're under NO threat of encountering someone with a real personality. Oh no, we don't cause any trouble up here in the Great White North, eh! Even Switzerland looks at you and thinks, "Ach, vat pussies." You are a population of dachshunds, wiggling through life with a ridiculous air of self-seriousness that everyone else finds cute and comical.

Well, I'll be goddamned if I let those filthy Canucks beat us in man-hockey. FUCK THAT. Today, we're using this space to say horrible, awful, terrible things about our neighbors to the north, often recycling many of the same tired jokes they've had to hear before! ABOOT! Hahaha that's so funny and you sound dumb. Why don't you go back to trading beaver pelts, you maple humpers? Let's quickly go through everything that sucks about Canada, shall we?

1. They are constantly shitting their terrible winters down onto us. Every time the sky decides to rain down ice bats on my lawn, you know who's responsible? CANADA. Your big dumb Frost Giant Population in the Yukon Territory is purposely hurling mountains into the sky and letting them break apart once they float a thousand miles south. If Canada died and there were nothing but bare ocean above us, you can be damn sure our weather would be FLAWLESS. There are no gaps in my climate science.

2. They can't brag about having better health care than us now. Oh, weren't you folks so high and mighty when you had that to lord over us? Oh, we can go to the doctor for free but we never do because we're nice enough never to shoot each other! Well, look at us now, you lumberjack assholes: We have that universal shit, too! It doesn't really work yet. I don't even know what it really entails. But I can at least SAY that we have it, and that is one less down feather in your Eddie Bauer hat. Who still wears Eddie Bauer shit? You do, because you people are lame.

3. Poutine. Don't act like it's revolutionary when you take a styrofoam tray of fries (which are not even a food you invented) and then smother it in gravy and chunks of old mayo. That is a Jay Leno joke in food form. I assure you that we Americans can devise exponentially deadlier foods (Krispy Kreme burgers, cronuts, duck-fat Cheerios) with minimal effort. You really think I'm trudging up to your walk-in freezer of a nation just to eat that? You vastly underrate what the rest of the world is eating as we speak.

4. Mike Myers and Jim Carrey. Oh, thank you so much, Canada! Thank you for sending not just one, but TWO desperate comedians who need audience approval on some molecular level of their being, as if it were fucking hemoglobin. I know I love watching any Mike Myers movie where the only job of the supporting characters is to say, "Boy, [Mike Myers's character] is so funny! If only he could get a big break!" We already have one Robin Williams here. We didn't need three.

5. Your most interesting citizen is an obnoxious, corrupt, skirt-chasing, crack-smoking politician. Guess what? WE DID IT FIRST.

Way to be original, Canada. Same goes for Bieber. We've already minted a thousand troubled, intellectually stunted child stars who lack any sort of willpower or competent parental guidance, who then happily allow their lives to devolve into a morass of drug use and gun violence. It's all been done before. You are America's rerun.

6. Hockey snobs. DURRRRR The NHL playoffs are the best playoffs in any sport DURRRRR. Like soccer and MMA, hockey people in North America are so insecure about their favorite sport's standing in the U.S. landscape that they have to beat you over the head with hockey's alleged superiority every five seconds, like some dickhead Frank Zappa fan explaining why you don't GET Frank Zappa. It might shock hockey snobs to learn that being a dick to casual fans tends to turn them away! Just accept that most of America treats your sport like watching the occasional foreign language film and get on with it.

7. Barenaked Ladies. I can't believe you let that happen to America. Assholes.