Photo credit: Jim McIsaac/Getty Images

Welcome to our first Hot Stove in Trump’s America, where, unlike the rest of Trump’s America, the men getting rich will actually deserve it.

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This year features a notably weak free agent crop—Keith Law has Yoenis Cespedes, Dexter Fowler, and Justin Turner as the best available players—so the offseason will need to rely on trades for any electricity, but already some moves have been made on the margins. They may not materially affect next season, but here they are anyway.

Braves sign Bartolo Colon, R.A. Dickey

Industry consensus says that the Braves are aiming to be somewhat competitive next year, in what will be their first season in their boondoggle of a new park out in the suburbs. To that end, they’ve signed two old-ass pitchers who may not make the Braves much better but will at least make them weirder.

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Dickey, who never really approached his Cy Young form as a member of the Blue Jays, has come over on a one-year deal worth $7.5 million that also features a club option for next season. His pitches will do spicy dances before being blasted into outer space.

Colon, at the age of forty-damn-three, was his typically steady self last year for the Mets, putting up three wins above replacement, per Fangraphs. At $12 million for next year he should provide a bunch of pretty good innings and at least a few moments that temporarily Restore Your Faith In Humanity.

Blue Jays sign Kendrys Morales, Lourdes Gurriel

The Blue Jays may look nearly unrecognizable next season. Both Jose Bautista and Edwin Encarnacion are seeking very rich longterm deals, and Toronto’s first move of the offseason signals they may not be expecting either to be back.

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Kendrys Morales isn’t Bautista or Encarnacion—he can barely move, for one—but he’s a certified dong-masher who comes at a price much lower than those two, primarily because he can barely move. Morales will cross the border for a three-year, $33 million deal, which is more or less market rate for a guy who will give you something like 30 home runs and not much else. (Warning: in Trump’s America, the market may fuck you.) There is potential downside if and when his bat gives out, but the Jays had success shopping in the bargain bin last offseason and needed to tap some sources of power.

Toronto also inked Cuban defector Lourdes Gurriel, the 23-year-old younger brother of recent Astros signee Yulieski Gurriel. Lourdes hit .344/.407/.560 in Cuba last year, though his seven-year, $22 million dollar deal is indicative of the expectation that he’ll need to spend some time in the minors adjusting to better, more consistent pitching. But if he develops, prospect prognosticators think he could turn into the sort of versatile player with a good batting eye and some pop who is valued in today’s game.

Phillies trade for Howie Kendrick

Poor Howie Kendrick. Last year, he tested free agency only to re-sign with the Dodgers for two years at a price that was only barely what he would have gotten had he signed a one-year qualifying offer. And now he’s on the Phillies, who gave up utility bats Darnell Sweeney and Darin Ruf to acquire him. Kendrick’s stats took a real dip last year (.255/.326/.366) as he became the sort of player who plugs holes all over the field but isn’t quite good enough to hold down a lineup spot on his own.

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In Sweeney, the Dodgers get a player who they included in a trade package to acquire Chase Utley a few years back. He has been pretty bad for a few seasons now, but they must like him. Ruf is also someone who plays several positions, none of them well, and he can’t really hit either. So the Dodgers were mostly dumping Kendrick’s contract. Pretty much nobody on the Phillies is a player you would want.

This has been your Hot Stove update. Hopefully more interesting things will happen next week.