The NFL Schedule, Ranked By Week

Whoa, hey, the NFL schedule came out last night. Sure, thanks to perfect divisional symmetry, you already knew all 16 of your team's opponents this upcoming fall, but you didn't know the ORDER of those opponents, and the NFL knows that putting things in order is fun! Also, you get to measure your team's self-esteem by counting up how often it plays in prime time. My team plays once at night all year. We may as well go hang in the back with the goth kids.

Anyway, the fun part of dissecting the schedule is that everything about your analysis will be proven wrong. Everything will probably come down to that Giants-Rams game in Week 16, or some other matchup that, as of right now, looks like shit on paper. But it's the offseason and we're all desperately bored, so here is my best stab at ranking the weeks in order of Throwgasminess:

  1. Week 13: A completely bonkers Thanksgiving Day slate with three divisional rivalries, plus Chiefs-Broncos on SNF. FAP FAP FAP
  2. Week 16: Saturday games return at last! No byes! A maximum number of insane playoff scenarios!
  3. Week 15: Niners and Seahawks meet for second time in three weeks, world explodes.
  4. Week 8: Packers-Saints. Seahawks-Panthers. I feel like the AFC should perhaps be made a subdivision of the ACC.
  5. Week 1: Ruined by Lions-Giants on Monday night. Tirico is already preparing his insults.
  6. Week 2: Still coming off the high of football being back, which makes Dolphins-Bills 5 percent more tolerable.
  7. Week 3: Super Bowl rematch. This sounds compelling until you remember what actually happened in the Super Bowl.
  8. Week 17: Because I will never get tired of watching the Cowboys lose a playoff spot at the very last second.
  9. Week 12: Any week is good when the Steelers are off and I don't have to watch them fumble.
  10. Week 14: Marmalard yelling shit at New England fans in prime time!
  11. Week 5: My team gets crushed by the Packers on Thursday night. You're welcome, America.
  12. Week 6: Winter fat layer begins accumulating around my torso.
  13. Week 7: The Jets have far more games in primetime this year than you could possibly expect and/or want. It's terrifying.
  14. Week 9: Featuring a Steelers-Ravens SNF game that sounds fun on paper and will be a torturous slog in practice.
  15. Week 11: The Bills, Dolphins, and Titans all play in prime time. Catch up on "Fargo."
  16. Week 10: Everyone is on bye. The whole goddamn world. You will lose your fantasy matchup 168-2.
  17. Week 4: The week with the least number of 4:15 p.m. games. Sometimes Red Zone Channel signs off early. Kinda makes me want to kill myself.

Get excited, people!

Image via Getty