Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we're covering prison hotels, drug addiction, poop movies, and more.
Over the entirety of civilized human history, what building has been farted in the most?
My first guess was the Pentagon, because it's one of the largest buildings in the world and it undoubtedly has a secret network of vast underground tunnels and chambers where Department of Defense workers sit in command chairs all day, ordering assassinations and farting to their heart's content.
But the Pentagon has only been around for 70 years, making it a relatively new building as far as human history goes. I doubt it holds a candle to the Coliseum, which is nearly 2,000 years old and has been host to millions upon millions of farting spectators and gladiatorial enthusiasts. Ancient Romans used to barf and piss and fart all over each other for pleasure, so I bet they freely broke wind while watching Maximus fight off hordes of lions. And the building is now host the throngs of tourist groups, and it's easy to stand in the middle of a tourist group and fart your brains out, all the while blaming the group of Estonians trailing right behind you. Tourist spots are nothing filthy havens of butt fumes and expensive postcards. Avoid them.
Suppose a Tomlin-esque incident happens in the Super Bowl with no time left in the game and the returning team down by 4, where a coach or player on the sideline tackles the return man to prevent a surefire touchdown. Do they award the victim team a TD? Also, what kind of punishment does the sideline offender receive?
The refs have the discretion to award a touchdown based on a patently unfair act, so that's probably what would happen in that instance. The offending coach would probably be banned from the NFL "for life," only to have that ban appealed down to two years. Only the California penal system has a more forgiving parole policy.
The Tomlin incident is a bit different in that Tomlin was subtle enough to not get caught right away, and so you could have a scenario where the refs miss it and the Super Bowl ends and NFL officials can't reverse the score right there on the spot, because they can't definitively say what the coach's intentions were without a thorough investigation. THAT would be a fucking disaster, which is why the NFL decided to drop the hammer on the Steelers this week for the jab-step. If it happened in the last minute of a Super Bowl, the NFL would probably let the result stand (the longer a score remains final, the harder it is for a league to reverse, and the more people line up to take sides to argue the result endlessly) and then have Tomlin buried alive.
What are the chances in the next few presidential elections that the two candidates have a big twitter fight?
If the candidate is Chris Christie, 1000%.
I, a solidly middle-aged adult, just got braces. These things are a giant pain in the ass, and every day I seem to find some new source of agony or inconvenience coming my way. However, I know a bunch of kids ranging in age from 8 to 18 who have braces and they act like it's no big deal. They're chomping away on sandwiches and fried chicken and Pop-Tarts while I can barely get through a bowl of applesauce without wanting to cry. So here's my question: What other things can you think of that seem to be no big deal to kids, but bring adults to their knees?
I just had a snow day with my kids and kids give zero fucks about wet clothing or getting snow down their crack. I remember this distinctly from when I was a kid: I could stay out in the cold for hours and hours in wet jeans, with rivers of snot pouring out of my nose, and I wouldn't really care until I got inside and realized that I was on the verge of death. Kids have a higher tolerance for pain and they are far, far less aware of danger than you or I are. Half my life is now spent shouting at my kids DON'T DO THAT, THAT WILL KILL YOU.
Some other things that are more painful as you get older:
- Sitting on a floor. This is the big one for me. Children can sit on a floor forever. They can sit cross-legged. They can sit with their legs stretched all the way out. They can roll over and lay on their bellies with their chins resting atop their elbows. I can't do any of that for more than six seconds. It hurts to LOOK at them doing this.
- Sleeping on a floor. Drunk teenagers are also good at this. Once you hit 30, you will never crash anywhere again unless forced.
- Falling. My friends and I used to laugh at that "I've fallen and I can't get up!" ad all the time when were kids because we didn't understand why she couldn't get up. Just get up, you old crone. What a looooozer LULZ!
- Stretching. Kids and babies are so absurdly flexible that it's fascinating. When I change my kid's diaper, sometimes I like to see just how far I can pull his ankles past his head. Answer: pretty far! Sorry if I tore your hamstring, kiddo. It's like changing a member of the X-Men (an X-Man?).
- Having five other people jump on top of you. Kids can sit at the bottom of a dogpile for nine hours, laughing and giggling and even doing craft projects. By contrast, I had my one-year-old fall on me the other day and it was like someone dropped a piano on my fucking head.
- Hanging from things. At the playground, I will joke around and dangle from the monkey bars for half a second and separate both shoulders.
- Spinning. How do they not get sick? Why are they completely unaffected by centrifugal forces? I don't get it. Every playground now has a tilted, spinning gyroscopic-type device that can take you from 0 to nauseous in just two spins. Kids can stay on this thing for hours. It's like they're trained astronauts.
- Chapped lips. They could look like Ronald McDonald and still refuse Blistex.
How many GMs and Coaches do you think are on twitter anonymously? You know, with one of those no name egg avatar accounts. Most of them say they don't "pay attention to the twitter tweets", but I bet there are quite a few to get an idea of what's written about them or what other teams are doing. Example: lane Kiffin, 100% has an egg account
I don't think there are many, mainly because head coaches are already pressed for time. They are a paranoid, socially inept lot, which means they'd be PERFECT for Twitter, but being a head coach means having a to-do list that is never, ever blank: If you're not watching tape endlessly, you're scouting college players (or high school players), or plotting out practice schedules, or fulfilling one of 800 media requests, or asking your quarterback if he really DID rape that girl. There's no time for them to set up an anonymous Twitter account, and most of them pride themselves on being technophobic anyway. Twitter is for NERDY CRITIC NERDS.
No, what the average head coach will do is find a toady to go out to compile all enemies and/or threats to his precious authority in the form of tweets, columns, leaks to reporters, etc. Then he will stew and scheme and scheme and stew until he's found the perfect way to get Dan Snyder to fire him.
What if The Ginger Hammer decided to make the Super Bowl pay per view? Would it be the highest PPV program ever? Would it still be a big deal?
It would be the highest PPV ever but everyone would hate his fucking guts for it. I live in fear of this happening, because the NFL has the average fan over a barrel. Let's face it: If you have the means (or even if you don't), you'd pay pretty much anything for Sunday Ticket and the NFL's slate of primetime games. One of the only reasons I still have cable TV is because MNF is on ESPN. If ESPN didn't control a hefty number of live sporting events, I would tell cable to kiss my pale white ass. But they do, and so I pay without hesitation. If they charged me more, I would pay it. And if they put the playoffs on PPV, I would bitch and moan and then pony up because, in my mind, I have no choice. I don't have the balls to let four decades of fandom fall by the wayside. THAT WOULD MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A FLAKE! I'm too proud to be this jackass.
The only reason the NFL hasn't fucked you over with a PPV Super Bowl is because it isn't worth the higher profits to shrink the audience. The hundred million people that tune into the Super Bowl have a long-term benefit to the NFL in terms of merch sales, potential new fans of the sport, and so on. That value trumps the pile of money a PPV would bring in, even if we're talking about 40 million people paying $100 a pop. The expense would erode the casual audience further and further until it was a freak niche sport, the way boxing is today. I like boxing, but not enough to pay a steak dinner for it. If you aren't a diehard, lifelong football fan, you will have an economic breaking point, and PPV charges get you there in a hurry.
I'm a drug addict. I'm 22 years old, and last fall I had to withdraw from school to go to rehab for opiates. So I guess I'm wondering if I'm the manifestation a parents' absolute worst fear when it comes to raising kids. Like, do my parents feel like complete and total failures because - despite doing everything in their power to ensure practically any other outcome - I ended up addicted to drugs? Or does the fear of your child becoming a drug addict have more to do with the perceived misery that such a life entails?
Because, aside from the whole drug addict thing, I think I'm a pretty decent kid. I'm back in school, and I believe there's still a pretty decent chance I end up becoming a happy, well-adjusted, contributing member of society. I feel like I'd rather have a kid like me than a complete square incapable of taking risks, spending his entire life coloring inside the lines.
I think the reason most parents fear their children becoming addicted to drugs is that many drug addicts, you know, DIE. Death is every parent's worst fear, and drug addiction is one of many quick paths to realizing it. That would be my major concern if my son came home with a bag of krokodil and half an arm. So of course your parents will feel some measure of guilt—whether it's rational or not—because they couldn't keep you out of harm's way. Not all drug addicts survive, and not all of them beat their demons. I fear my children dying. I fear that they will be unhappy. I fear that they will commit crimes. I fear that they will be degraded by other people. Assaulted. Shot. Violated. All that horrible stuff. I live with those fears every single day and they don't go away, ever. I want my kids to go out and experience all the joys and pain of life, but that doesn't mean I want them to check out the entirety of life's gutter, because lots of people don't make it back. If I'm overly cautious, that's just because it's the nature of the job. No one else is gonna be overly cautious for you, which is why I spend half my day begging my oldest kid to not accidentally shake my youngest kid to death.
I'm all for my kids taking MEASURED risks. Like quitting a job they dislike and trying a new career. That's risky, and does not involve potentially doling out handjobs at truck stops for crack money. There is a dark, seedy, ruthless side to the world and I'll always do my best to keep my kids from getting trapped there forever.
But it's great that you're back in school and beating your addictions back. If my kid DID end up being a drug addict, I wouldn't just sit there and tell my kid YOU ARE MY WORST NIGHTMARE all day long. I'd go to meetings with them and give them support and chase dealers off of my stoop with a bat. YOU GIT THE HELL OFF MY POPPITY.
(By the way, for the cinematic version of this nightmare realized, see Traffic. They hit every mark.)
After college in the late-80's, my uncle and his friend decided to backpack around South America. We're talking deep in the Amazon - I forget if it was Colombia, Venezuela, or Brazil, but they were deep into the jungle.
In some travelbook for backpackers they read about a prison deep in the jungle that allowed travelers to sleep overnight for cheap (I forget if the prison was active, or if it was a former prison now held by guerrillas as a fort). I have no idea why they thought this was a good idea, but they did. They arrived late in the evening and paid the guards/guerrillas for the stay - but the guards told them that their shift was over soon and that they should be quiet when the new shift came on because they would make them pay again, and might not be so nice.
They did as they were told and stayed quiet. However, in the middle of the night they were awoken by what was clearly a woman being assaulted by the guards. Terrified of being killed if they tried to intervene, they stayed as silent as they could and snuck out in the morning when everything seemed quiet. Would you have said anything?
No. Why the fuck would you voluntarily stay at a jungle prison? That's insane. Why not volunteer to work at Colonel Kurtz's compound while you're at it?
I would like to think I'd have the gumption to speak up and defend the poor woman being attacked by those guards, but self-preservation brings out the coward in most of us, and I'm no exception. There is a cold calculus you do in your head in this situation. If you try to stop the assault, you likely end up killed and the assault goes on. And so you do nothing and are haunted by it until your dying day. Are you a terrible person for not risking your life on the sleight chance that you could save that other person? There's no definitive way to say NO to that question.
Ugh. This fucking world. This is the dark side, where terrible shit happens all the time and normal people are constantly forced to measure the value of their own bravery. I hope my kids never discover it, and I wish my bravery were worth more than a bottle of warm piss.
In what order would you rank places to drink a beer? I would have to think the top three are:
1) Shower beer
2) Grilling out beer
3) On a boat beer
Followed closely by "Road beer" and "Sporting event beer."
Don't forget about the fabled OUTDOOR SHOWER beer. If you're at some dipshit beach house and there's an outdoor shower, drinking a beer in that shower will add decades to your life. It's true. Here would be my rankings for places in drink beer:
- 1. Outdoor shower beer
- 2. Outdoor bonfire beer
- 3. Grill beer
- 4. Boat beer
- 5. Beach beer
- 6. Stadium beer (tailgate)
- 7. Urban rooftop beer
- 8. Indoor shower beer
- 9. Golf course beer
- 10 .Stadium beer (inside)
- 11. Concert beer
- 12. Airplane to Las Vegas beer
- 13. Outside in the cold on a friend's patio beer
- 14. Outdoor cafe in the spring beer
- 15. Train beer
- 16. Roadie (NOT WHILE DRIVING BE SAFE PEOPLE)
- 17. Post-wedding ceremony beer
Those are all good beers. Enjoy them.
In which of the four major American sports would it be easiest to win one game as a coach?
Baseball? Baseball. It's not even close. You just use the lineup from the night before, throw in a starting pitcher, and hope he doesn't suck. If he does, you toss in a new pitcher. Done and done. Basketball has set plays, hockey has line shifts, and football has a million stupid things that a coach has to keep track of. Forget it. Go baseball all the way. Jason Kidd could do that job. You could even drink a beer. DUGOUT BEER IS #1 ON MY BEER LIST.
It's common in other countries to dip pizza in ketchup. Obviously I had my doubts, but after trying it a few times realized it's not too bad. I'd actually recommend it if the pizza you're eating is terrible (hides the taste). So I'm with some buddies a few weeks ago drinking and eating pizza and I go for the ketchup dip and immediately get yelled at for it. Meanwhile these assholes are dipping their pizza in fucking ranch dressing.
All of you are terrible.
When eating ice cream cake, what's the proper etiquette, spoon or fork?
I usually use a fork because every ice cream cake I've ever had arrives solid as a fucking brick, and so I have to take my fork and chisel away at the fucker to make any headway. In a perfect world, the cake is cold but soft enough to yield to a spoon, so that I might enjoy it without tearing my goddamn labrum.
By the way, those little candy bits in a Fudgie the Whale cake? Those are the best.
Do you think there is an emergency space team? Is there a team of badass astronauts on standby next to a fully loaded ready to go spaceship in case any shit goes down in space?
No. Given budget cutbacks, I doubt that NASA even has an emergency forklift operator. This is not good, because an asteroid could come flying right at us at any moment and wipe out all existing life on Earth, and there is no crackerjack team of oil rig roughnecks led by Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck waiting on standby to bat that fucker back into oblivion.
I live outside of Philadelphia and have noticed that people frequently fill their cars up with gas then walk in to the store to buy things; leaving their car to take up a gas pump while people are literally circling the parking lot looking for an open pump. I can see how this is not an issue when it's, say, night time or on a weekend. But at 7am on a weekday and everyone is scrambling like maniacs to get to work….why?!
I think people do this because a) They think they will be quick getting in and out of the store to buy their beef jerky, and b) They are oblivious to your suffering. Imagine that you're at a crowded restaurant waiting for a table, and you see a table that's clearly finished eating and has paid the check, but all the people linger and linger and linger and OH GOD DO YOU NOT SEE THAT I NEED TO FUCKING EAT? Then you finally get your table and sit down. Do you give the zero-est of fucks about anyone else waiting for a table in that restaurant? NO. They don't even cross your mind, and that's how people end up making you wait at the gas station. Even if it doesn't feel like a long time inside the store to you, it feels like HOURS to the poor fucker waiting for your pump.
When I hit the gas station, I always stick the pump in, flip the lock if the pump has one (all stations without little lock thingies should be burned), and then run in to buy my snacks WHILE the gas is pumping. I think that's fair. Also, if you have a big car and you park your car so far away from the pump that no other cars can scooch past you, you suck.
My buddy came up with a fun game called "Describe your last poop using only movie titles."
Some of my faves so far:
The Green Mile
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
The Butterfly Effect.
(NOTE: Reader VD points out that the above email was lifted from Chris Hardwicke's "@midnight". Do not steal crap.)
Email of the week!
I have a really nice pair of headphones that I use a lot, but when I'm not using them they go on the floor next to my bed, usually sitting on top of my laptop, but sometimes they make it to the carpet. For a long time I had been thinking that I should start taking better care of them and putting them in their case, instead of just tossing them on the floor. Well, one night I was watching a movie with them and I felt a little tickle on the outside of my ear. It plainly wasn't an itch. I tore the headphones off and looked inside. I didn't see anything, so I figured maybe it really was just an itch, put them back on and continued the movie. Towards the end of it I felt the same tickle, tore off the headphones again, and there was an earwig just standing there, moving his earwig antennae every which way and looking a little lost. I quietly lost my shit, disassembled the headphones and fished the little bugger out (which took longer than you'd think) and vowed to always, ALWAYS put my headphones in their case when not in use. I did that for maybe a day. They now go right back on the floor every night, and every night I think about that little earwig, cringe a little, and then decide I just can't be bothered to put those damn headphones in their case. What in the hell is wrong with me? Would most people change their wicked ways, or would they continue to just toss the headphones back on to the apparently earwig infested floor?
Your headphones come with a case? WELL LOOGIT YOU MR. FANCYPANTS.
Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at email@example.com. You can also order Drew's new book, Someone Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.
Art by Jim Cooke; source photo via Shutterstock.