Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "Ustawka, walka na ulicy" or Squidy vs. Paul. Tonight's commentator: Barry Petchesky. (Coming next week: a Deadspin Hall of Famer on a Hall of Fame Eastern European battle of wills.)
I'm slightly disappointed in the venue—from the Youtube title, I had assumed this would Polish and be full of tracksuited men with bowl cuts headbutting and biting each other, as the spectators squat in a circle. No one casually fights like the Slavs.
But we appear to be the Georgia woods—I spy a Vick jersey/jorts combo, and there's a Falcons cap that makes a brief cameo—and these are no amateurs. This is their fighting spot. Everyone who grows up near the woods has a spot for fighting/fucking/drinking. Noah shows up in his SUV at the 50-second mark, and you know they didn't need to give him precise directions. "Noah! Get your ass to The Spot! Squidy and Paul are throwing down!"
(I don't know which one Squidy is. I'm assuming he's the one in the green shirt, because Squidy is always the smallest one in his group. Squidy is always the first to take his shirt off. You don't really like Squidy, and wouldn't hang out with Squidy if you weren't in a group, but he's intensely loyal. He also hates the nickname Squidy, but pretends to like it. That's Squidy.)
Squidy vs. Paul is a really a referendum on styles. Squidy's all flash—he's got the reach advantage, and he's all flailing windmills and "come at me bro" shrugs and shirtlessness, because he's seen a lot of fights on YouTube. Paul's a plodder, but he's got substance. A clear bulk advantage means he's content to rarely go forward. He's eager to take the fight to the ground. Maybe he just gets winded easy.
And it's a stalemate! Shockingly, this scrap goes on for at least three-plus minutes of nearly uninterrupted fighting, with the momentum swinging back and forth. This is the type of action that makes a boxing audience leap to its feet for a standing O, and makes you realize why bloodsport exists.
Squidy bloodies Paul with his very first flurry, with, I believe, the right at 0:38. Unbowed, Paul ducks a haymaker at 1:01, and responds with a pair of crosses that put Squidy on his ass. At 1:39, Paul gets a hold of Squidy's t-shirt and pummels him with overhand blows—again, not flashy, but probably more effective than a nose-bloodying strike. Squidly wisely loses the t-shirt after that.
The final flurry is quality. Paul goes down to one knee at 3:20. You think he's done? He bludgeons Squidy 13 seconds later.
And then—the video ends. What the fuck, Georgia? I would never seek out a street fight video on my own, and here I was, completely and totally emotionally invested in this one. Squidy and Paul did themselves proud—each took hammer blows like champs, then gave as good as they got. But without knowing who won, the battle feels pointless. Is this not why man has thrown down since Australopithecus times? To declare one side objectively superior to the other at punching? I feel so empty without a resolution.
So! I choose to believe the video ended here because Squidy and Paul dropped their fists and shook hands, and were elected by popular decree to serve as the Twin Punch Guardians of the Georgia Woods Fight Spot, and there they reign today, just punching and punching whatever they see.
And now, the rest of the Tuesday Night Fights:
• The moral of this story: Just don't fuck wit ladies wearing "Coke Boys" sweatshirts, yo. (Start of Violence, 0:01)
• Kazakh strong. Kick head repeatedly. Eat shit, қара ниеттер. (SoV, 0:06)
• Your Scarved White Bros Sticking It To McDonald's Light Bulbs at THE Ohio State University Case Study:
• Per YouTube artist Samantha Lupercio (aka Mrs. Smiley), "This is what happens when an immature bitch talks a whole bunch of shit asks for a fight and gets her ass beat! Even worse right after she gets the beat down she calls the cops! How embarrassing ;)" Totes, Sammy Lupes! :D (SoV, instantly)
• At the 1:42 mark in this masterpiece, you will see a mother throw her baby to a stranger sitting across a bus aisle so she can rectify a perceived slight. Oh say can you see. (SoV, 1:43)
• A "booze and pot-filled" Rutgersfest-variant FTW! (SoV, 0:38)
• The Shit Getting Real On Hippie Hill P.O.V. Shot:
• And from the front row... (SoV, instantly)
• Also at Hippie Hill, PillGang and J-Diggs; or, in the written word of Kushie Kush, "White boy had sum mountain goons with him! LMAO." (SoV, 0:20)
• Shit got real outside a bar in Boise last week. I know, right? (SoV, 3:35)
• Here's some street-fightin' San Diegbros. (SoV, 0:40)
• The Loud-Mouth Sot Gets Choked Out Two-Tiered Intermission Report:
• From America's birthplace: Watch Breanna Put A North Philly Smackdown On Some Dude (SoV, 0:21). Bonus Coverage: A KO in Frankford (SoV, 0:22). Bonus Coverage II: Ladies keep tradition alive by brawling in the streets of Old City Philadelphia (SoV, instantly).
• TNF Beijing Correspondent Anthony Tao believes that kids do the fightiest things. He offers three-videoed post as proof of this assertion (SoV, varies). Also, a postcard from Huangshi, Hubei (SoV, instantly).
• Some high quality footage from a street tiff in "Maimi" or as outsiders know it, Miami. (SoV, instantly)
• This here battle in the streets of Iquitos, Peru is one for the MMages. (SoV, 0:23)
• The Lady Rumble Down On Fulton Industrial SW Boulevard Intermezzo:
• Calling this "Girl fight in Street" is funny because a) they're on a sidewalk an b) they're not girls, amirite? (SoV, instantly)
• Sleeveless battles in British Columbia? Badass to tha core, yo. (SoV, instantly)
• Mimi and Frannie doing battle in the streets of Palm Island. (SoV, 0:21)
• Others: "Street Fight in Southeast Asia." "Street fight after school." "Briga no Bar Brawl at The Bar Pelea en El Bar." "2 drunk girls fight start a mass girl brawl." "Toronto Street Fight - Sucker Punch Attacker." "FEU students on street fight." "downtown street fight." "Thailand street fight." "DETROIT CRAZY STREET FIGHT." "BEAT DOWN." "paterson chicks vs bergen county fight." "Ko Phangan - Sonkran 2013 Street Brawl @ Thong Sala, Shop16 Street Party." "Fight." Also called "Fight." "Santi and Austin welland fight." "6th Street Hood Fight." "C.R Locker Room Brawl." "Old lady get off on the bus(fight)." "Fight In Front of Krogers." "Street fight!!!"
•The Historic Battle of Broboken Coda: