Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: Hall of Fame battle video "Ultimate Street Fight Kumanovo, Macedonia." Tonight's commentator: founding editor of Deadspin and senior writer at Sports on Earth Will Leitch. (Coming next week: noted street artist Steve "ESPO" Powers.)
I do not speak Macedonian, so I do not know what any of the bystanders are saying in this fight video. I can only guess.
Man One is the fellow screaming from the “sidelines,” the one in the white shirt holding the phone at the :19 mark. Man Two is the man “holding” the camera.
Man One: And here it is time for the fight! I am very excited about this fight, because these are two men wearing two very handsome shirts that are very valuable and should thusly be protected.
Man Two: I will celebrate your last remark by being inexplicably incapable of holding an iPhone in front of my face for longer than two seconds. I also enjoy the handsome shirts.
Man One: That was an impressive succession of lefts from that bald man to the head of the other bald man.
Man Two: Indeed!
Man One: There is something so helpless about his predicament, so alone, so … well, honestly, it’s all about your perception.
Man Two: How’s that?
Man One: Well, is this really all that necessary?
Man Two: I would argue that it is.
Man One: But this is the limit of your vision. Kant wrote that a categorical imperative would be one that represented as action as objectively necessary in itself, without reference to any purpose.
Man Two: But this is an act by the man himself for the man himself. He strikes so that he is not struck.
Man One: Yes, but, and I’m paraphrasing Kant again here, both intuition and concepts constitute our knowledge base in totality. One cannot yield knowledge having just one. He knows what he must do. The question is one of that his understanding as to why.
Man Two: But again, the level of free will is the central issue here. You are claiming that –
Man One: Hey, you’re moving the camera off of them again. I told you I could do this myself. Why do we need two people filming this anyway?
Man Two: Oh, fuck you and your perpetual peace.
Man Two: All right, now that’s a shot right there. Popped him right in the fuckin’ mouth. You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Man One: So, there you go again, with your egocentric, ethnophallic emphasis on the “self.” David Hume definitively proved that there is no such thing as a permanent self, that we are simply a collection of our passions. Reason doesn’t factor into it at all. He may wreck himself, but I assure you, his self will never be checked.
Man Two: Oooh, look, his pants are falling down.
Man One: EPIC. FAIL.
Man One: Wow, that was great. I’m glad we did this.
Man Two: Me too. This has been a fulfilling experience in every possible way. A puckish satire that tickles both the heart and the head.
Man One: I’d really love some fuckin’ Sizzler right now.
Man Two: We’re Macedonian. We don’t have the Sizzler here. Can I interest you in some hard sheep’s milk cheese from the Sar Mountains?
Man One: Oh, how delightfully droll.
And now, the rest of the Tuesday Night Fights:
• Brawl in Boston's theater district posted to YouTube on April 25. Welcome back, Beantown normalcy. (Start of Violence, instantly)
• Late addition: When they played "Born in the USA" at UFC 159, some 'merican-stands fightin' broke out. (SoV, 1:57)
• Ghetto Gladiator Mbare Presents Nasty Street Fight In Mbare Magaba, Harare, Zimbabwe, a hearty effort in which the question "Snuff film?" is left unanswered. (SoV, 0:09)
• When you dance in the streets of Saudi Arabia, be prepared to fight. (SoV, 0:46)
• Among several Bible verses listed the description of this little number is, "It is appointed for men to die once, but after this the judgment —Hebrews 9:27." It remains unclear whether this is the Lord's way of saying "Dog his ass" or what. (SoV, 0:12)
• Tha Grooviest Gang Fight Remix Video:
•Ain't a damn thing security guy can do about this here bottle-breakin' box-bustin' brawlin' on the streets of White Plains. (SoV, instantly)
• From the streets of Poland, conflict resolution, with a thumb over the lens for the gooder part of 15 seconds. (SoV, instantly)
• Ladies brawl on a San Francisco checkerboard; observers offer commentary; erbody wins. (SoV, 0:15)
• The After-School Brawl On Tha Hill Intermission Report:
• Perth high-school fight club (SoV, 0:10). Meanwhile, at whatever GSC stands for ... (SoV, instantly). Also, shit got real at Sterling Middle School the other day (SoV, instantly). Also also, a "ratchet fight at Stevens High" (SoV, instantly). Kids these days.
• This one here's called "Khmer student fight in the street!!!' In it, students fight in the street. (SoV, 0:10)
• Pear sales bring out the best, and worst, in people. Case in point: this Grafton Street jawn. (SoV, 0:07)
• Post-Tube fight with submission, reconciliation. (SoV, 3:50)
• The Fights And/Or* Jamaican Boobs Intermezzo (*or not included):
• From the 215: Wilt Chamberlain and Will Smith went to Overbrook High, but this here WorldStar-style action was the talk of the joint the other day (SoV, 0:04). Bonus Coverage: Fishtown Rec Center fight, yo. (SoV, 0:17). Bonus Coverage II: Vogue queen shoves cop in the Gayborhood, vogue queen gets billyclubbed in the Gayborhood (SoV, 0:12). Bonus Coverage III: Ladies in Southwest Philly (SoV, 0:04). Bonus Coverage IV: "girl fights in Philly" (SoV, instantly). Bonus Coverage V: "Fight goes down girl gets her mit kicked the fuck in Philly" (SoV, instantly).
• From TNF Beijing Correspondent Anthony Tao, "Chinese Dance Instructor Physically and Verbally Assaults Teenage Students." (SoV, 0:05)
• Grand Rapids, represent. (SoV, 0:04)
• Computer Lab Girls Gone Wild. (SoV, 0:04)
• The Superbro Checks To Make Sure The Camera's Rollin' Live Look-In:
• Woman in bikini and heels vs. Parked truck in which boyfriend sits, who ya got? (SoV, instantly)
• Here's video of that beatdown that erbody was talking about. (SoV, 0:03)
• This is called "PA Fight (FUNNY)." Fail to see what's funny about it, but if it's in PA, the rest of the title is truth. (SoV, 0:27)
• In honor of this week's reviewer's MLB-rooting interest, I hereby present "STL Girl Fight." (SoV, 0:12)
• Others: "FIGHT ON DA AVE WIT THERESA." "Fight Indonesia street observe rage." "Street fight Gone Really bad !!! OMG." "LeeAnn & Antionette Fight." "Women in the restaurant fight." "Butte MT Bar Fight." "Brutal Girl Street Fight." "Fight at 40th St." "Brooklyn Fight." "Florida fight." "Douglas Street Fight Pure Kalamazoo." "Davenport Iowa street fight 2013!" "Уличная драка Ч.7." "best after school fight and brawl." "Stockton Street Fight." "To drunk to fight of Canal Street."
• The Just Another Day In Suburbia (ATOWN!) Coda: