We're Down To The Mean 16: Round 3 Of The Bitchy Bracket

So you, the public, have pared down the Bitchy Bracket to a lean and mean 16. And like real NCAA brackets, this is where the big boys start clobbering at each with giant-sized Hulk fists.

In the sports quadrant, we're left with Red Sox fans vs. Duke fans and Cardinals fans vs. MMA fans. All four fan bases are most notable for their incredible talent at autofellatio. Much of the appeal in being a Duke basketball or Cardinals fan comes from feeling the warm glow of moral superiority about the way those teams go about their winning business. Red Sox fans cling to an underdog status that hasn't been true in a decade. MMA fans pair a raging superiority complex—WARRIORS, bro—with a lingering inferiority complex due to the fact that they like to watch guys fighting for money in cages, so that they fight supposed detractors with more blind rage than the actual combatants do.

We're finally getting to the heavy ideological clashes in the politics region. Most of the last round consisted of voters picking between basically similar type of people, but there is no such overlap now. We've got serious AMERICA: LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT versus FUCKING COMMIES battles brewing with the Christians taking on the Twitter feminists—frankly, we're scared shitless at the prospect of Twitter feminists making the Final Four—and the gun nuts meeting the vegans. If you can't decide which group is bitchier, take a trip to your local college town. I'm sure they're all arguing outside the quad.


It's been conclusively decide that, the most defensive fans in culture are music artist fanboys. In what looks, frankly, like the title-deciding matchup, the dominant Team Breezy meets the equally dominant Beliebers. Are the passionate defenses of Chris Brown's violence, both of the domestic and general varieties, more shrill and hollow than those of Justin Bieber's drug-fueled, prostitute-fueled, money-fueled, drug-fueled, premium gas-fueled exploits? Only you, the seasoned hater, know for sure! The winner of that poll gets the honor of crushing either Juggalos (the lowest remaining seed) or Beyoncé fans in the Truly Elite Eight.

Finally, we reach the lifestyle section of the bracket. These matchups also pit natural enemies against each other. I'd bet many an upscale neighborhood has seen pit bull owners half-heartedly apologizing to a local cyclist after their weapons pets have gnawed on a dangled leg left unprotected by those thigh-exposing spandex onesies. ("BIBS!" cries some jackass. "THEY'RE CALLED BIBS!") And I pray to never get stuck within earshot of two holistic medicine-types arguing which is more important in cultivating a pure body: The rigorous CrossFit exercise regimen, or a nervous system unpolluted by vaccines. Head to Carroll Gardens and you WILL find people who fit into all four of these groups. They should be jailed by our pre-cogs.


To the voting! The polls close tomorrow at 3 p.m. EDT.