A guide to the best and worst of the NFL slate (and to which fans are stuck with the most of worst). Maps via 506sports.com.
Last week's winner, Thomasville, Ga., was forced to watch the Jaguars offense outscored by its defense against the Chiefs, but got a surprisingly good finish out of an otherwise terrible Bucs-Jets matchup. So who's getting screwed this week? Here are your Week 2 NFL viewing maps:
Cleveland at Baltimore: Of all the shitty teams in the NFL, the Browns are most reliant on their shitty QB. Brandon Weeden attempted 53 passes last Sunday (second-most league-wide), with three interceptions and six sacks (tied for the highest in both categories).
Miami at Indianapolis: Facing the aforementioned Brandon Weeden, the Dolphins were down 7-6 at half last week.
Tennessee at Houston: The Titans put up just 229 yards in Week 1, third-worst in the league, but all was forgiven because everyone loves hatewatching a Steelers loss.
San Diego at Philadelphia: The Eagles' new coach quickly established them as one of the most exciting teams in the league. The Chargers' new coach just as quickly established them as exactly the same sort of team they were last year.
Jacksonville at Oakland: Hey, the Raiders are fun again! The Jaguars, not so much. For all their terribleness, Jacksonville hasn't been shut out since 2009 (Week 5), so Week 1 was their worst "offensive" output in nearly four years.
Denver at NY Giants: Manning Bowl! Last week the old one threw seven TDs, while the youngish one threw four, plus one for the other team. Archie Manning doesn't play favorites but let's be real here.
Carolina at Buffalo: In the second half of 2012, the Seahawks put up 34 points per game while the Panthers averaged 28.6. The Panthers lost the Week 1 rematch 12-7. Cam Newton had 163 total yards. There is no team in the NFL more frustrating than Carolina.
Minnesota at Chicago, St. Louis at Atlanta, and New Orleans at Tampa Bay: These all fall into the camp of "mediocre/good team vs. mediocre/bad team" matchups that are impossible to get excited about. There will be approximately two thousand of these in 2013, because parity.
Detroit at Arizona: There must be a lot of fantasy guys out there who started Larry Fitzgerald and Reggie Bush week after week in 2012. Week 1 was pretty much a big "fuck you" to those guys.
Dallas at Kansas City: Last week the Cowboys were gifted six turnovers and the Chiefs were gifted the Jaguars, so neither win was particularly impressive. Alex Smith threw 13 incompletions, which is out of character for him (he threw 11 in his worst game of 2012). He gained 5.1 yards per attempt, second-worst behind Gabbert, which is very much in character for him.
Who's Getting Screwed?
This week's winner is San Francisco, Calif., which gets Miami at Indianapolis, Jacksonville at Oakland, and Washington at Green Bay. We get it, NFL schedulers, Andrew Luck went to Stanford. Does that mean the Bay Area is stuck watching Colts games until Luck gets traded? Until he retires? Until he dies?
San Fran also gets the horrible Jaguars game, because the city's supposed to give a shit about the Raiders. The city doesn't give a shit about the Raiders.