Photo credit: David Banks/AP

The Chicago White Sox announced today that they have traded 28-year-old ace pitcher José Quintana to the fucking Chicago Cubs, who are basically worse than the St. Louis Cardinals at this point.

Quintana, who ranks seventh among pitchers in Baseball Reference’s version of wins above replacement since the beginning of the 2013 season and is under contract for three more years for a touch over $30 million, with the last two years of the deal being options, is exactly what the defending World Series champions needed, since their starting pitchers are all old, expensive, injured, mysteriously bad, or some combination of these. Quintana’s numbers on the season are underwhelming—he’s 4-8 with a 4.49 ERA—but he’s been his normal self since the beginning of June, inducing lots of bad contact, running up a 2.70 ERA, and generally being one of the few players worth watching on a godforsaken team.

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20-year-old Eloy Jiménez is the key to the deal; Baseball America rated the power-hitting outfielder the fifth-best prospect in baseball in their midseason top 100, meaning the Sox now have two of the five best prospects in baseball per BA. 21-year-old starter Dylan Cease ranked 83rd; he throws hard and supposedly has a great curveball. Good for him!

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The biggest winner in the deal is Quintana, who will presumably pitch fewer games in which he goes seven innings while giving up two or three runs only to take a loss or no-decision because his offense consists of a mop wearing a Paul Konerko jersey and a guy named Brad a scout found sleeping in a dumpster in Bridgeport.

Disclosure: The author of this piece has been provided Gordon Beckham’s used footwear by the Chicago White Sox, and has been sent a Hawk Harrelson alarm clock by a White Sox enthusiast. His opinions are his own.