So I watched the U.S. pull off a thrilling win over Ghana last night and after the euphoria died down and I had to take a beer shit, I thought about what local Ghanaian reaction would be to this stinging defeat. Surely, there must be a Bill Plaschke-type back home at the Ghana Ghazette, doling out scorching hot takes via one-sentence paragraphs and accusing Kevin-Prince Boateng of not having the heart of the champion. ("On this day, the Prince became the Jester. Let's send this Boateng back out to sea.")
As an American, I know that our country brings a unique dimension to the world's collective dickishness. But I refuse to believe that we are the only country on Earth where HOT TAKES have taken root. I have been to other countries and met sports fans who are just as strident and annoying as my people back home. That is why I am on a mission to find the absolute worst columnist each World Cup country has to offer. WHY YOUR INTERNATIONAL SPORTS COLUMNIST SUCKS, as it were.
This is where you come in. Since I'm an ignoramus and can't read any foreign language other than broken Spanish, we're gonna need some of our more worldly readers to find Juan Eduardo Bayless and properly translate his putrid columns for us. I know most people think the Deadspin readership lies entirely within a block of Carroll Gardens, but this is not true! Some of you have BEEN places! So if you know a terrible foreign columnist out there who blows off his finger guns any time he's done eviscerating some poor bastard soccer coach, send it my way: firstname.lastname@example.org.