Your team: Jacksonville Jaguars.
Your 2012 record: 2-14. And you couldn't even finagle a No. 1 overall pick out of it. You people can't even suck right.
Your coach: Mike Mularkey. Wait, they fired him? Oh well, that makes sense. Here's an angry letter I got from reader Adam last year after I'd made fun of Mike Mularkey, the Chan Gailey of Mike Mularkeys:
Everyone here is fired up about Mularkey. We all like the pick, but maybe that's because Del Rio was such a suck-ass douche. Do a least a little bit of research man, you could have found plenty of legitimate criticism instead of this BS.
They should put that on a sign outside the Jacksonville city limits, which I presume are dotted with many tire fires and condemned donut shops: "JACKSONVILLE: FIRED UP ABOUT MULARKEY." It explains so very much. I imagine people in Jacksonville also get excited any time they see a really long blade of grass sticking out of a lawn. Man, look at that blade of grass! That sure is different from the otherin's!
Anyway, your new Jags coach is Mike Tice. He's not? What about Gregg Williams? No? Chan Gailey, Brian Schottenheimer, David Shula, Dan Henning, Marty Mornhinweg, Butch Davis, Dom Capers, Wade Phillips, Chris Palmer, or that one guy with the hat? No? Hang on a second. Looks like your new coach is ...
/flips through nearby almanac
Gus Bradley! Yep, that's your guy. He sounds like he's alive, so that's nice. Men named Gus are usually either bus drivers or evil drug lords, so let's hope your new coach is the latter. Jaguars owner Shahid "The Iron Hedgehog" Khan also shitcanned GM Gene Smith and hired David Caldwell away from the Falcons front office. Let's hope Caldwell watches CNN as much as Tom Dimitroff does.
FUN FACT: Dick Butkus's nephew is the team's new offensive line coach. And man, does he look intense.
He looks like he'd rip your nuts off just to fire you up for a preseason game. Not enough coaches rock full beards. A full beard lets people know you really mean it.
Your quarterback: It's still Blaine Gabbert! Oh my God, that is so depressing. There are few things more dispiriting than an NFL team that can't bring itself to cut its losses with a shitty quarterback. Blaine Gabbert couldn't throw a beach ball to a six-armed man.
To their credit, the Jaguars had little choice in a terrible draft for QBs and chose to rebuild their shitty offensive line instead (they drafted tackle Luke Joeckel with the No. 2 pick). But man, they could have at least done SOMETHING. The only quarterback they drafted was a kick returner (Michigan's Denard Robinson). They could have at least traded for Tim Tebow so that I could make fun of Tim Tebow. Instead, it's another shitty year of watching shitty Blaine Gabbert compete with shitty Chad Henne to be the shitty quarterback of a shitty team in a shitty town in a shitty state.
Your one fantasy player everyone will hate: Maurice Jones-Drew. God, it would suck to draft him. You got all jazzed for your fantasy draft. You even flew to Vegas with your CRAZY BUDDIES and made your own pre-draft rankings and everything. Now it's the second round and most of the running backs are taken and you have no backs yet so ... GUHHHHH ... there you are, picking MJD because you have no other choice. It's like a sad handjob. You're gonna hate this season, my friend.
Why your team sucks: When it comes to writing up these previews, I always make sure to save the most popular, most interesting teams for the end of the preseason. This is why the Jags get to go first. They should have been the London Rippers by now. Instead, until at least 2030, they will remain one of the NFL's filler teams. Without revenue sharing, this franchise would be worth $3, and that's being generous. They have no quarterback; they have no pass rush; their best player (Justin Blackmon) is already under suspension; and worst of all, they have no reason for being. Interest in the Jaguars is wholly subsidized by the existence of fantasy football. They're like corn, only corn is occasionally useful.
Frankly, they should have a player kill someone. Why let the Patriots hog all the murderous players when you could draft them all yourself and make a real BRAND out of it? Then you could have Jason Whitlock be like, "Those Jags are nothing but common thugs!" and then your team would be worth paying attention to. Then you'd have some MOXIE, by God! Anyway, they're doomed. Remember, this is a team that's considering putting the Red Zone Channel on their video board to get people to come to the stadium. They might as well show a white flag rippling in the wind for three straight hours instead.
Why your team doesn't suck: New uniforms! SO VERY TIGHT.
In Seattle, Bradley helped build one of the more imposing secondaries in football, which became the rock of the league's No. 3 overall defense in 2012. He doesn't have anywhere near that level of talent in Jacksonville. But hey, you might as well give him time. It's not like you northern Floridians have anything to do for the next 17 years anyway. Just go out, do some meth, get caught trying to bang your neighbor's ferret, go to prison, and come back in a couple years to see if Bradley's made any progress. At the very least, Gabbert will have been euthanized by then.
The seven worst Jaguars ever:
1. Matt Jones. Please note that no team will ever draft a mobile white QB, convert him into a wideout, and have it work. Ever. Stop dreaming about it happening, white fanboys.
3. Reggie Williams
4. Gene Smith. Gave $14 million guaranteed to Laurent Robinson. Jesus.
5. R. Jay Soward. You guys should really stop drafting receivers. Even Matt Millen thinks you suck at drafting wideouts.
6. Marcedes Lewis
Email from the one Jags fan we could find:
There is not one Jaguars fan who will ever ever ever fully get over watching our team draft a punter in the 3rd round with Russell Wilson sitting 3 picks away. Never ever. Fuck Gene Smith.
Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me and give me ample evidence of why your team sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with fans, etc. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next team up: Tennessee Titans.