Why Your Team Sucks 2013: Seattle SeahawksSome people are fans of the Seattle Seahawks. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Seattle Seahawks. This 2013 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the 2013 NFL previews so far right here.

Your team: Seattle Seahawks

Your 2012 record: 11-5

Your coach: Pete Carroll. Anyone predicting that the Seahawks will win the Super Bowl this year (or even make it, frankly) is willfully turning a blind eye to the fact that this man is in charge of things.

Why Your Team Sucks 2013: Seattle Seahawks

Remember a few years back when the Chargers were "the most talented team in the AFC" and people like Peter King would pick them to go to the Super Bowl even though that meant conveniently forgetting that fucking NORV was the coach? This is that. Somewhere down the line, Pete Carroll will ruin the season by letting the clock expire at the end of the first half with his team at the 4-inch line. I assume he'll get distracted by his research into what REALLY happened on 9/11.

Your quarterback: Bruno Mars.

Your fantasy player everyone will hate: Percy Harvin. He's your problem now, assholes.

Someone will draft Harvin in the final round of their draft and attempt to stash him on their roster all season long. And they'll fancy this a brilliant maneuver: to waste a precious roster spot with the assumption that Harvin will come back in early November, post 150 yards a game, and win them a title. This NEVER works. Take it from someone who has never won a fantasy league and has stashed away the likes of Vincent Jackson (held out) and Rashard Mendenhall (bad knee, loved bin Laden) for months at a time: You will get horsefucked.

Why your team sucks: Yes yes, we're all super excited about The New Flutie, aren't we? I watched the Seahawks nearly upset the Falcons last January and Russell Wilson was the bestest player on the field. But I can LEARN TO HATE with the best of them, and I only need one more full season of TV analysts being like Can you believe scouts said this guy was too short? to turn on Wilson completely. He's a little bit short. Let's not treat him like a guy who overcame fucking polio to make an NFL roster. Besides, maybe he is too short. Maybe all of his passes will get knocked down this season and he'll turn into the Second Coming of Jeff Blake and you'll quickly understand why he was drafted in the third round to begin with. Also, Russell Wilson is responsible for this paragraph:

I feel like Russell Wilson fell out of the sky for me. He vindicates everything I ever thought about football — that it takes more than just talent, that it doesn't always have to make sense, that it's more of a chemistry/personality/intangible sport than we think, that there's no safer bet than a talented kid with a chip on his shoulder who spent his entire career proving people wrong.

Thank you, Bill "DON'T ASK HOW I GOT THESE POWERS!" Simmons for turning Russell Wilson into football's David Eckstein. Christ. This is only the beginning of Wilson getting the "He's just a winner!" treatment from people. Once Tebow gets cut by the Patriots, Wilson will fully assume the magical unicorn role for sportswriters looking for true heroes. Seahawks fans are already an insufferable lot—still bitching about the reffing a Super Bowl in which their team played absolutely horrific football and living in a city that has all of the preciousness of Northern California but none of the good weather—and Wilson's ascent will only make them worse. Seriously, cut it out with that 12th man shit. You stole that from A&M and everyone knows it. You should be ashamed of yourselves. I'm gonna start calling Wilson RUSSELL FOOTBALL just to troll you.

By the way, given this team's middling offensive line play, it behooves me to remind you that the Seahawks are one hit away from turning the offense over to either T-Jack or Brady Quinn. So marvel all you like over free agent acquisitions like Antoine Winfield (who can no longer cover the pass) and Cliff Avril (good for at least three clutch penalties per game!). Your season rests on a terrible road team protecting a dwarf quarterback from defenders three times his size, who is throwing to the always-hurt 2009 Vikings receiving corps. I wish you luck.

Also, fuck Golden Tate.

Why your team doesn't suck: Have you seen this secondary? Christ, it's loaded. I'm gonna see more shots of Richard Sherman yelling unintelligible bullshit than I ever needed.

The six worst Seahawks ever:

1) Jerramy Stevens.

2) Rick Mirer. Did you know he was 6'3" (and still is, I suppose)? I always felt like he was four feet tall. Anyway, he was the worst. Mirer benefitted from playing in the golden era of overrated ND quarterbacking, in which an empty-headed white guy running a dinosaur option offense could still go #2 in the draft through the sheer will of Beano Cook. Those were bad days.

3) Koren Robinson. Drinks on him, gang!

4) Dan McGwire

5) Brian Bosworth. I bet he was the first bro to ever ice another bro.

6) Aaron Curry. He may not even make an NFL roster this season. Holy shit, what a bust.

Emails from Seahawks fans:

Kevin:

First off, Pete Carroll. As a Washington state native, the thought of the Seahawks coach (For a long time to come, apparently) being a blow dried, snake oil salesman who made his bones coaching hated USC makes me sick. All the Win Forever horseshit, the players coach attitude, the hyperactivity on the sideline, he comes off so much less as an NFL coach who grinds and does his homework every week than a hopped up used car salesman.

I don’t think there is a sane Seahawk fan who trusts him as an in game coach. So congrats Pete, you’ve turned the team I’ve spent my life living and dying with into a pro version of your USC teams-undisciplined, mouthy, and unable to win if they don’t have the opposition totally outgunned on talent (Or if their QB has a leg that's about to separate at the knee. Thanks Mike Shanahan). And anyone who thinks that he’s going to somehow coach them past Jim Harbaugh in the next decade is brain damaged.

Secondly, the fans. I left the PNW when I was 19, and I’ve lived all over the country since. The national Seahawk fan rep is mostly born out of the abortion that was Super Bowl XL, the one time we’ve made the national stage aside from the Fail Mary. The “It was Fixed” crowd came together with the “The NFL wanted the marquee franchise to win” crowd to form a perfect storm of whining and moaning. That makes them, even to one of their own, so totally annoying. And so much more annoying than any other fan base I’ve personally come across. Except for the Redskins’. They’re easily the worst human beings on the planet.

Matt Ufford:

The Seahawks suck because their history sucks. The stadium's fancy and the uniforms are flashy, but it's a whitewash of history: scrape it away, and there's Brian Bosworth in silver and royal blue, getting run over by Bo Jackson in the Kingdome.

Until Russell Wilson came along, the best quarterback in franchise history was either Dave Krieg — the NFL record holder for career fumbles — or Matt Hasselbeck. Poor, doomed Matt Hasselbeck.

How about the 16th pick in the 1991 draft, Dan McGwire? He was supposed to take the reins after the Dave Krieg era ended, but ended up third-string behind Stan Gelbaugh and Kelly Stouffer. Three years on the bench, then the Seahawks lost the Drew Bledsoe sweepstakes and took Rick Mirer at #2 overall, then Mirer got hurt and McGwire started three games (48.6% completion percentage, 13 sacks).

When people talk about how the Seahawks almost moved to Los Angeles, the above paragraph is why. The Seahawks have sucked for most of their existence. It's what I'm used to, and what makes the present-day competence and confidence so confounding for me. And it will be particularly annoying for you, Fan of Another Team.

If you don't love the Seahawks, you will hate the Seahawks. Their relevance means you will get extra doses of the monochromatic blue uniform you hate looking at. You will hate Pete Carroll champing on gum and strutting around the sideline. You will hate Richard Sherman jawing at wide receivers regardless of whether he made a play. You will hate Golden Tate, because you SHOULD hate Golden Tate.

You will hate Russell Wilson's optimism and squeaky-clean polish in interviews. If you don't watch those interviews, you will hate the way announcers praise his leadership. "Just an exceptional young man," you will hear again and again and again.

You will hate those same announcers for expressing wonderment and disbelief at the volume of the crowd at CenturyLink Field, even though the Seahawks have played there for over a decade. You will hate the Seahawks fans, because they don't yell louder than other fans, they just have a stadium that was built specifically to enhance their noise.

You will hate the Seahawks, and you will rejoice when they fall short of expectations. Because that's what they do. They suck.

Chris:

The absolute WORST thing that could have happened is everyone expecting out and out greatness this year because Seattle fans are naive enough to eat it up. When I saw them listed #1 in ESPN's Preseason Power Rankings, I couldn't get an erection for a week.

In Week 11, when we are three games back from the 49ers, I will snap during a Fox broadcast when they come back from commercial to show those assholes throwing fish in the market AGAIN while blasting some grunge-era band that isn't even from Seattle (spoiler alert: it's always Smashing Pumpkins). We've been good again for less than a season - if anyone needs a refresher about misplaced optimism, feel free visit the clearance racks full of Matt Flynn jerseys across Washington state.

Ryan:

This secondary we have is labeled “The Legion of Boom”. Based on my observations from last year, the “Boom” must refer to the tackle/hit made by the defender after the opposing receiver makes a 20-yard catch on 3rd and long.

Scott:

You realize the Seahawks have actually retired the number 12 for “The Fan”?

Also, the Seahawks uniform looks like what would happen if you microwaved a Smurf.

Liam:

I didn’t even realize we were such assholes until I lost a bet last year and had to wear Jets gear in the Hawks Nest last season.

On the way to my seats which were in row OO (do that math that’s 41 rows) up the steepest steps I have ever climbed in my life (on the way passing several already incredibly wasted, and incredibly obese and incredibly winded fans) I was informed every step of the way how much “Teblow” sucks and how big of a homosexual (they expressed this with a 3 letter word) I was for being a fan of him. In the first quarter after the Golden Tate touchdown a man in a Flynn Jersey, rocking the socks/sandals combo with long greasy unkempt hair turned around and yelled, not at me, but the child beside me’s face about how “The Jets are the worst fucking team in the league and he should prepare to bend over”. When the father politely asked him to stop cause he’s a fucking kid, he responded spittle flying out of his mouth with every word “YOU DONT BRING YOUR KIDS TO THE FUCKING HAWKS NEST WOOOOOOO” and proceeded to high 5 his buddies and chug a beer.

After walking down all those steps to take a piss, I saw a group of 3 Hawks fans push another Jets fan into the urinal while he was pissing (again celebrated with high 5’s and beer chugging). Not wanting to risk this I climbed back to my seats and offered my friends the next 2 rounds of brew if they would escort me to the washroom and set up a human shield protecting me.

With most Jets fans out of the building by the 3rd quarter of the blowout, fans turned on each other. From the east side of the Hawks nest lower side I heard a chant start “Tase him tase him tase him” and looked over to see 2 Seahawks fans fighting (I use this term loosely, more of an on the ground man-hug) and 2 King County Sheriffs officers tasers in hand (by the third quarter in the Hawks Nest regular security no long patrols this section) attempting to break it up followed by the horrible “click click click” of the taser going off and then the roar of approval from the entire section.

The saddest part is, that the entire stadium was nearly empty by the 4th quarter because all the respectable fans leave while a drunken mass crams in behind the visitor teams sideline to heckle the athletes and vomit over the railing. Leaving the stadium while stepping over copious amounts of puke there was a gutted transit bus filled with drunks chained to poles and I heard the officer outside of it say “bring in the second bus, she’s full.”

This wasn’t even against a team in the same conference for god’s sake. I can only imagine the shit-show that is the 49ers game in primetime this year.

Jordan:

It's sad that the Sounders are the most popular team in Seattle and the fans realized they have a football team once Russell Wilson started winning. And they play in the same stadium.

Alan:

If you mention the Fail Mary game, you will get a lengthy dissertation, complete with charts, graphs, and blown-up pictures of Golden Tate's hands. The detail and insanity that go into these productions puts the wildest dreams of any JFK conspiracy theorist to shame.

Ryan:

The fans are the same people who haven't gone to a Mariner game in ten years. Oklahoma has basketball because nobody wanted to see the Sonics until they moved to Oklahoma. Worse yet, they love soccer. And stupid bright green everything.

Zach:

1. Our second best quarterback is our fullback. Our third best is Golden Tate.

2. Dick Sherman is such a fuckbag, he talked trash to Roddy White IMMEDIATELY AFTER getting burned in the playoffs. He is going to be the first player to die in-game when he gets stabbed for starting shit with literally everyone that looks at him.

3. With the league collectively deciding about three years ago that icing the kicker is fucking stupid and is more risky than it's worth, ole Slick Pete decides to do it in the playoffs. He is the main reason the country hasn't collectively hopped on the "I Hate Jim Harbaugh" bandwagon.

4. Hawks fans are also predominantly Washington Huskies fans, who are the worst fan base in sports. To put it into perspective, I attend UW, and this fan base has driven me to root for the Mike Leach Closet Farmhands a hundred miles away. They embellish Steve Sarkisian as some sort of Nick Saban clone, when his ceiling has been established the last 3 years as being 7-6 and an asskicking in a shitty bowl game. They worship thugs like Jerramy Stevens and Austin Sefarian-Jenkins, all the while praising the positive culture Sark has installed. He did learn from the best after all. If you put a Husky fan in charge of the Seahawks for a day, they would do everything in their power to finalize a Russell Wilson for Jake Locker (aka Tebow of the West, except somehow shittier) trade, because they love his sub 50 completion percentage and his ability to not suck against Nebraska.

5. Bruce Irvin was arrested for beating up stop signs, never finished high school, labored through the rigorous standards at West Virginia, and got suspended for the same shit the Hawks were already notorious for and punished for using. Bruce Irvin is also the future of the defense.

CJ:

People in Seattle are fucking miserable, and really, they are ok with being miserable and that's why they are the most passive-aggressive group of people this side of Quebec.

Christi:

Fuck Jerry Rice, despite being an HOFer it's bullshit that he demanded to wear #80 (Steve Largent's number, retired in '95). And fuck the Seahawks organization for letting him.

Elizabeth:

This is the stupidest jersey in the NFL:

Why Your Team Sucks 2013: Seattle Seahawks

Kyle:

Want to make a Microsoft Developer or Boeing Engineer piss their Dockers with rage? Tell them you heard that Qwest Field pumps in crowd noise. It isn't pumped in, but the overreaction you will get from otherwise mild-mannered people will make you think you asked if they've ever fucked their own sister.

This whole damn town thinks we're winning the Super Bowl this year, completely ignoring how Seattle sports actually work. Teams leave; they don't win.

Alan:

People were bitching when Russell Wilson didn't win an ESPY. I saw a few tweets calling it "bulletin board material".

Simon:

We gave $70 million to our #1 receiver, who apparently has a hip made out of graham cracker crust.

Oh, and our quarterback is 5'10" with a head full of eyebrow hair.

Derek:

I once walked into the men's bathroom at CenturyLink field after a game and saw a bottle of Mike's Hard Lemonade wrapped up in a pair of dirty underwear in the first stall.

Victor:

I fully expect us to win the Super Bowl this year only to have those wins vacated the next day when it is revealed that our entire secondary was smoking HGH-laced meth before the game and golden-boy draft-steal Russell Wilson was running a child pornography ring from his wife's yoga studio while Pete Carroll took the JoePa high-road and looked the other way.

Zane:

The majority of the fans still believe that the replacement refs got it right in the Fail Mary.

Tom:

I just know Russell Wilson is going to blow out his knee in game 2.

Connor:

They were a middling team for most of the season, losing on the road to teams like Miami (and almost Carolina), in some of the most unwatchable football I’ve ever seen. The ‘turning point’ game in Chicago was a couple missed pass interference calls away from not happening. The subsequent hot streak included wins against Arizona and Buffalo at a point where any arena league QB would have been an upgrade. Their ONE playoff win (in the Precocious Bowl) was only made possible by RGIII getting murdered, otherwise that would have been a fat L. And then they nearly got blowed out by Atlanta in the following game, and definitely deserved to lose.

Now this offseason, they blew their wad as well as multiple picks on a guy who SEARCHED for a doctor who would recommend a near season ending surgery. But somehow, the (undeniable) charm of Russell Wilson has pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes and now this is a surefire Super Bowl squad and possible NFL dynasty. Really, guys? I’m optimistic too, but show some damn self-restraint.

Jesse:

Rookie DT Jesse Williams has "YOLO" tattooed on his face. Not his arm, not his chest, not even his neck. His FACE.

Why Your Team Sucks 2013: Seattle Seahawks

LJ:

The current bandwagon fan base is assembled of people who had to be lured back to football from baseball and soccer.

Colby:

Colin Kaepernick gets a lot of shit for dressing like an asshole but Russell Wilson tucks his shirt in while wearing mesh shorts.

Chris:

Fucking Willie Parker.

Trevor:

Our Hall Of Fame includes such greats as Dave Krieg, Dave Brown, Kenny Easley and Jim Zorn. I am quite certain Jacksonville can boast better all-timers.

Ryan:

The Seahawks are usually just awful, but when we are good (almost never, but maybe this year?) the fans act like this is the year we win it all, and heaven help you if you want to point out some deficiency. They all also seem to think that we have some sort of grand winning tradition (we don't).

If you are at the game you had better be yelling when the other team is in the huddle because if not, some jerk in a Warren Moon jersey is going to hassle you, and stay out of shivving distance if you decide that you want to sit down when we are losing by 21.

Eric:

Everyone outside of Seattle thinks of us as coffee drinking hippy techsters. This is true but if you ever venture down to Qwest or Century Link or whatever the hell they're calling it nowadays Field you'll get to see that Seattle also has the dregs of society like they do in Cleveland or Pittsburgh. I don't even like going to games anymore because you're surrounded by drunk idiots spending 2/3 of their paychecks on season tickets and the other 1/3 on overpriced beer and jumbo pretzels. The times I've gone I've wonder aloud whether I was at an NFL game or WWE Monday Night Raw with mountains in the background. Seahawk fans are loud but they are probably the dumbest fans in the league.

Isaac:

Some sports radio hosts were actually making an argument that Russell Wilson is better than Ken Griffey Jr…. and people were actually buying it…. Oh, my fucking god…

Erik:

I was born and raised in the Seattle area and am a lifelong Seahawks fan. That being said, I hope to never attend another game at their stadium.

The "Clink" as it is now called is a fucking awful place to watch a game. Its Seattle, so it is rainy and grey and its cold and you are wet the whole time. Meanwhile, you are sitting next to drunken bros and rednecks drinking shitty vodka from a flask and chasing it with $12.00 bud lights and screaming the entire game. All it is is a bunch of screaming morons with very little understanding of anything in football but "PICK UP THE D GUYS!!! LOUDER"

Now that I don't live in Seattle, people always ask me what it was like to go a game in that stadium. It fucking sucks.

Fletcher:

Bill Simmons is set to pick our team AGAIN to win the super bowl this year. Because there's nothing better than having a Pats fan claim credit for your team's success.

Chris:

The NFL fucked us because we're Seattle and are basically in Alaska as far as the Ginger Hammer is concerned, so we have our 5 toughest games EARLY on the east coast.

EP:

The Mariners never won a World Series when they had Griffey, A-Rod, Edgar Martinez and Randy Johnson all on the same team, and the year they won 116 games, they were eliminated in the second round of the playoffs. Scandals washed away what was once a great University of Washington football team. Not only did Clay Bennett steal the Sonics and Kevin Durant, but when we jumped through every hoop necessary to try to get a new team, David Stern still refused us. We're not even nationally acknowledged as a hard luck city, because Cleveland.

As good as I feel about the team, and as pumped as I am for this season, I still expect something to go wrong. Heck, Percy Harvin already needed surgery on his hip. Classic Seattle. We're incredibly talented, but squandering talent is the Seattle way.

Matt:

“We want the ball and we’re gonna score.” GODDAMNIT.


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