Your team: Tennessee Titans
Your 2012 record: 6-10. 6-10 might be the worst record for your team to end up with (not mathematically speaking, of course). Going 6-10 means you're bad, but you're not the WORST. Going 6-10 means you don't get the top draft pick, and the people in charge of the shitstorm can sometimes escape with their jobs intact. And so here are the Titans, a year after going 6-10, still looking awfully 6-10ish.
Your coach: Mike Munchak. To refresh your memory, here's Peter King talking about how Mike Munchak got his job:
Munchak spent 48 hours preparing for the (Titans) interview. […] Some assistants have nice, glossy presentations prepared when they interview for a job. Munchak had nothing. “I’m not a networker,” he said. “So when it came time for one of the important parts of the interview, identifying which coaches I’d try to hire on my staff, I didn’t really know a lot of them.”
“Shocking,” said (GM Mike) Reinfeldt. “He had an answer for everything. And some great ideas. We had no idea that was coming.” Not just the Paterno-spawned ideas either. Sports jackets on road trips. No hats in the building. No headphones while working out; talking and communicating was preferred. No TVs in the trainer’s room; don’t want it to be too comfortable in there. A 12-minute video presentation on the history of the Oilers going back to the old American Football League days “because you should always know where you came from,” Munchak said.
So let's recap: Here's a coach who didn't prepare for his interview, had no clear idea of who should be on his staff (arguably the most important job of a head coach), and whose biggest idea was a fucking hat ban. Why, they'd have been fools NOT to hire him! It's not often you find a coach who likes showing players motivational videos and is willing to promulgate a useless, infantilizing disciplinary regime. That's totally unique! Jesus Christ, who's running this team? An owl?
Munchak has since gone 15-17 as head coach. His last name also sounds like the name of a donut-hole emporium.
Your quarterback: Jake Locker. FUN FACT: By the time you're finished reading this sentence, poor Jake will have already partially torn the cartilage in his throwing shoulder. He'll be out three weeks. And by three, I mean six. It's a shame because I was looking forward to watching Jake barely complete half his passes. He's like Vince Young, only not as much fun and far less willing to take his shirt off.
But don't worry, Titans fans. Ryan Fitzpatrick is your backup. I'm told he went to a college of some kind.
Your one fantasy player everyone will hate: Yep, it's this fella.
You sure are, fatty. I drafted Cop Speed in the first round last year. When the name C. JOHNSON popped up on the board, everyone congratulated me for drafting Megatron.
ME: Actually, I drafted Chris Johnson. Not Calvin.
THEM: You did? We take it all back. You're a fucking moron.
Also, Shonn Greene has joined the Titans and is charged with the very specific job of A) sucking and B) vulturing Johnson's four potential touchdowns. So yay.
Why your team sucks: Let's talk about Bud Adams for a moment, because Bud Adams doesn't get nearly enough credit for being a horrible, shitty old man.
At least Leon Hess had the courtesy to die. Titans fans get no such comfort. Dan Snyder and Jerry Jones have hogged the "meddlesome owner" spotlight for so long that it's easy to overlook ol' Bud, who interferes in far more of his team's business than a living cadaver ought to. You never want to see your team run by a dude who looks like a 15-term senator who bangs the help. Bud forced Vince Young on Jeff Fisher, then he fired Jeff Fisher, and now the Titans are eons removed from their best years. Think about that: the Jeff Fisher years represent the APEX of this team's existence. They're never gonna get the chance to lose a Super Bowl by a single yard ever again. They are locked and loaded into 6-10 for the next two decades, especially with a defense this atrocious.
Not that Titans fans will notice. Remember: Titans fans are just off-duty SEC fans. These are the people who spend every Saturday watching UT lose and then root for Alabama in the national title game at the end of the season as a way of mooching off a bit of their glory. Watching the Titans is just a filler activity for them. Well, Lurlene done kicked me out of the camper agin. Giss aw'll go watch them Titans over at Earl's camper! SEC SEC SEC!!!
Why your team doesn't suck: Bernard Pollard is here! Always fun to watch Bernard ruin the career of someone more talented than he is. Watch your knees, Andy Luck!
The nine worst Titans ever:
2. Ben Troupe
3. LenDale White, who presumably is in charge of Chris Johnson's offseason nutrition regimen.
4. David Givens. The Titans gave $7 million guaranteed to one of Tom Brady's field puppets. Givens later sued the team to get all of the money he felt he deserved for being so fucking terrible.
6. Albert Haynesworth. Haynesworth, of course, was highly productive at times for the Titans. But still, it's Albert Haynesworth. He needs to be here. Albert thinks your local waitress has got some real nice tits.
7. Kige Ramsey. It wasn't that funny.
8. Kevin Dyson. I know he was the guy who scored the winning TD in the Music City Miracle. But still, he sucked. You know who would have gotten past Mike Jones to score a winning touchdown in the Super Bowl? RANDY MOSS. Speaking of which ...
9. Randy Moss!
Emails from Titans fans:
If I could pick between Chris Johnson or Eddie George in the 2013 fantasy draft, I would pick Eddie George in a heartbeat, because he won't fumble the ball 26 yards up the field every goddamn week.
Our mascot is a fucking raccoon named T-Rac. Fuck you, T-Rac.
In the world of Kaepernick, RGIII, Russell Wilson, and Cam Newton—QBs that can beat you with their arms and their legs—we draft a running QB who not only can't throw on the run, but he can't even run. Our head coach was an offensive lineman in the Hall of Fame, but the team can't block. We're paying Chris Johnson 12 million a year to blame the offensive line for him sucking, and our defense needs to be executed by Aaron Hernandez.
Our offseason consisted of loading up on Buffalo Bill and New York Jets castoffs. We decided it would be a good idea to hire Gregg Fucking Williams because our defense was so bad that if we can't stop them, then we might as well hurt them. And our owner is Bud Adams, someone who should be hanging out in the afterlife with Al Davis and his facial sores, but instead of just peacefully going off into the sunset, this 90-year-old man is running the franchise into the ground...probably so he could be buried with them when he finally does die.
Our increasingly senile owner WON'T DIE.
Our best player once rushed for 2,000 yards under a rookie contract, held out for more money, received said money, then proceeded to shit away any and all talent that made him a Top 5 running back in the league. Seriously, how hard is it to see a hole and run through it AFTER you take up 50% of the cap space on your team? Not to mention that god awful car he drives.
The Titans like to claim the Oilers history like we are something special because we were an original AFL team. You want to know the Titans/Oilers claim to fame? A LOSS to the Bills after being ahead by 32 points, losing a Super Bowl to the Rams by one yard, and the most recognizable player in the franchise's history being shot on July 4th by a mistress who no one knew about.
Chris Johnson sucks. Jake Locker sucks. Our defense sucks. Rob Bironas is the only thing worth a shit on the team. Most importantly though, our fans suck.
The Titans are named after some Greek gods who were repulsive in every respect. They were the product of screwing their mother, they all had sex with their sisters, one castrated their dad to avoid more Titans, and ate his children to avoid being castrated or killed himself. Oh, and the Titans were losers, ultimately defeated by the Olympians. Yep, very Tennessee.
Our mascot is a fucking raccoon on an ATV. Let's push those southern stereotypes, fellas! Also, your kids get to do THIS at halftime.
How were so many teams able to successfully execute the read option while the Titans couldn’t get it going with a guy who runs a 4.6 forty?
We decided to let Matt Hasselbeck go be a backup to Andrew Luck. This guy ran our offense for two years, but sure, let him go to a division rival where he can hold a clipboard and tell them everything we do twice a year. Great idea.
I moved to Bellingham, WA last year and we're about ten miles from Ferndale, WA, the hometown of Titans QB Jake Locker. For the local commercial spot during football games they showed this ad a thousand times last season and I can't decide if it's charmingly pathetic or just pathetic.
Ferndale is pretty much made up of Born-Again Christian methheads, which makes it kind of appropriate that Jake now plays in Tennessee.
Mike Munchak is still the coach, CJ2K will never happen again, Kenny Britt is an idiot, Steve McNair is dead and Bud Adams isn't.
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