Every day, optimistic PR people fill our tips box with mumbo-jumbo about new sports websites, book review offers, and other pitches that usually get auto-tagged as spam and are subsequently binned. Today, though, we received the following—and it's so perfect we can't help but share it with you:
From: Chris Brown - Wantster <email@example.com>
Subject: Chris Brown and Wantster to make sick kid's wish come true
For Immediate Release - Toronto, Canada – July 16, 2013
CHRIS BROWN AND WANTSTER TO MAKE SICK KID'S WISH COME TRUE
When social site Wantster.com learned of Chris Brown's support of the Kids Wish Network following a backlash of media reports of locals trying to boycott Brown from headlining the Energy Rush concert series, the company decided to get involved as a major sponsor. Wantster is working with Kids Wish Network and Chris Brown to fulfill the want of a child who is battling a life threatening illness. "We wanted to check off "MEET CHRIS BROWN" from one lucky child's want list by granting them an up close and personal meeting with Brown himself and VIP access to one of the concerts taking place in Halifax, Winnipeg or Toronto", says Kathy Brewer, publicist for Wantster.
So professional failure at life Chris Brown is teaming up with Kids Wish Network. Good for him, right? That we received this pitch the day after Brown's probation was revoked for hit-and-run charges is simply poor timing. (Brown may be facing four years in prison, which we're sure is the choice destination for kids dying of cancer.) But Kids Wish Network! They must be on the up-and-up.
Just last month, an exhaustive investigation by the Tampa Bay Times named Kids Wish Network the worst charity in the United States. Kids Wish Network earned this distinction on account of the fact less than three percent of donations actually go to children. (Nearly all the money is funneled to private, for-profit soliciting companies, some of which are operated by the charity's founders.)
That's all horrible enough, but the press release doesn't actually name any specific child who might be the beneficiary of Chris Brown's generosity—what follows after what's pasted above is simply boilerplate BS praising Wantster (which is just a shitty Pinterest ripoff) and Kids Wish Network. It's a match made in heaven. (By heaven we mean hell.)
Update (6:37 p.m.): Turns out advertisers are fleeing the series of Chris Brown concerts touted in this pitch due to threats of customer boycotts over Brown's presence. Who's sponsoring that Canadian concert series? Evanov Communications, which just gave Wantster $4 million in venture funding. Why? Because Wantster founder Ky Joseph is an Evanov executive vice president. This whole thing is disgusting. (A hat tip to Joshua G. for that.)
Photo: Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images