Would You Rather Have A Celebrity Autograph Or A Celebrity Selfie?Drew Magary3/04/14 1:45pmFiled to: funbagballs deepdeadspinxyselfiesfuck u21052EditPromoteShare to KinjaToggle Conversation toolsGo to permalinkTime for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we're covering traffic, awkward parents, mouth spiders, and more.AdvertisementI was at an intersection on a six lane road the other day and I had to make a left. So in the opposite lane nearest to me, a Good Samaritan stopped to let me turn. The problem was that she was basically asking me to commit suicide, because motorists in the next two lanes over gave the zeroest of fucks about letting me turn. I have no idea what to do in that situation. You feel like a dick if you turn down the "gift" but come on, people. Anyway, I started to make the turn slowly and hoped people wouldn't T-bone me. Between risking death and not having people like me, I choose death.Your letters:AdvertisementKevin:Would people nowadays prefer a selfie or an autograph? So by a selfie, I assume you mean a selfie taken WITH the celebrity of your choosing? I think the selfie wins in a landslide. You can take the selfie and then send it out to friends and post it on Twitter and humblebrag about the time you met James Franco outside a burger truck. That has greater value over getting an autograph now. I think that memorabilia dealers are such losers that they've destroyed the inherent value of an autograph. I wouldn't ask anyone famous for an autograph now because I'd feel like a fucking creep. I don't wanna have anything in common with Dale Fatrag at the Pete Rose Vegas Souvenir Rodeo. Much better to snap a quick picture together and make my friends feel like LOOZERS for not hanging out with Dustin Hoffman. Look at me now, guys! I am somebody.SponsoredCraig:Don't you think the Edge from U2 regrets his stupid decision to be all iconic with his knit hat? "It's August in bloody St. Louis and I have to wear this fucking hat Bono?!?!"I think The Edge's hat decisions are entirely his own. Back in the '80s he was rocking that OTHER hat. You know, the one with the brim? That was during the whole Rattle & Hum era when Bono decided he was a native Louisiana bluesman GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO TOP OF THE MORNIN' TO YE GUMBO. Possibly the most annoying version of Bono, and that's saying quite a bit. AdvertisementMaybe Bono offers vague and pointless suggestions for Edge's hat ("It needs come from the throat of the bayou, Dave.")—dictated by whatever identity the band feels like occupying at the moment in order to capitalize on worldwide music trends—but I think the lead guitarist maintains ultimate hat sovereignty. If I were the Edge, I would choose the hat that Bono liked least as a form of quiet protest. Anthony:I'm 19, a freshman in college, and have never had the slightest intention of smoking weed. For some reason, I've always put it on the same plane as every other drug, even though I know after a half a second's thought that that's ridiculous. The problem is, since the start of college, ALL of my friends have started smoking weed out of nowhere. They offer it to me, and to their credit don't push it on me when I politely decline. I know it's *technically* no worse than drinking, which I do regularly, but still. I can't help but feel incredibly weird about them doing it. Just how big of a jackass am I being? Should I try it once just so it doesn't seem so foreign to me?Nah. If you really don't want to try it, then you shouldn't. It's not for everyone. I never smoked weed in high school or college. I regret this, because it really would have taken the stick out of my ass, but it's not that big of a deal for you to opt out. AdvertisementI have a hard time admitting this to myself, but the truth is that weed can often be vastly overrated. I want to like it. It looks fun and relaxing and cool people do it in movies and shit. The legalization movement has made such incredible strides over the past decade that it's hard to sit back and admit that—just like with drinking—smoking weed isn't always a blast. Sometimes you get a shitty high and feel all paranoid. Sometimes you'll get high and a speck of paint over in the corner will start annoying the shit out of you. Sometimes you get high and feel like a bag of dead cats. It's not always the little mental Jamaican getaway that you imagine it to be. Sometimes it just makes you feel useless and stupid. And the powerful strains and concentrates you can take now often serve to make you feel more useless and stupid. It's like enhanced boredom. You can't concentrate. Nothing fully holds your interest except a taco.So don't bother if you're not into it. It's not like you're missing out on inventing cold fusion by smoking it. Chances are you can live a happy and productive life without it. How High was an entirely fictional account. Kevin:AdvertisementAdvertisementThroughout most of college I dated a girl who I thought I would one day marry, but who ended up cheating on me and breaking my heart. Fast forward a few years and now I'm 24 with a college degree, a good job, and a wonderful new girl. Seemingly life is going pretty well, but I can't shake this anxious feeling that this new girl is going to hurt me as well. I've been able to hide it well, but the more invested we get in each other, the more anxious I feel. It's to the point now where I can't effectively hide it anymore and it's starting to spill over into our relationship. My question is, how do I get over/past this feeling? This new girl is awesome and I want to give us the best possible shot of succeeding.Hiding your anxiety only makes it worse. If you keep all that fear and tension inside and then lash out at the new girl because she ordered the wrong pizza or something, things are only gonna go downhill from there. You'll have to come clean and sit her down and tell her all of your worries. And make sure you tell her, "Now, I know it's not necessarily rational to feel this way." That helps a lot when you're hashing out feelings. You tell the other person, "Look, I know this might not be rational, but I'm just trying to be honest when I tell you I feel that YOU LOOK STUPID IN THAT FUCKING HAT." Really takes the edge off. A good relationship is one where you feel free to share your feelings without fear of judgement or a vase to the forehead.If you're open and candid without being accusatory, I assume the new girl will give you a big hug and reassure you that this is a new relationship and that you can trust her. Or maybe she'll shiv you in the ribs and take your money because she was an escaped fugitive who was on the lam this whole time. But that seems unlikely.AdvertisementIt can hard to trust people after coming out of a shitty relationship. Some guy will break up with an ex-girlfriend who is dishonest or mentally unstable and then immediately paint the rest of womanhood with that same brush. BITCHES BE CRAY CRAY. Happens all the time. I had a terrible ex-girlfriend and every time we fought—real mean-spirited arguing—she'd keep saying that this was normal for a relationship. And that would, in turn, make me fear leaving and trying out a new relationship, since I was under the impression that they would all end up the same way. NOT TRUE. No two relationships are alike and, if you're willing, you can usually find yourself in one where both the guy and girl are on equal footing. And then you get married and have a kid and the kid OWNS YOUR SHIT. It's really nice!Doug:Say you find the best high school football offense in the world. Line them up against the worst NFL defense with an unlimited amount of downs and a full high school quarter (usually 12 minutes I believe)...do they score? More than once?No. In fact, they'd probably end that quarter with four healthy boys left standing. I don't know how you keep those kids from NOT dying over the course of twelve brutal minutes. It would be watching a prison interrogation. AdvertisementAdvertisementIan:How tall would a woman have to be, in order for NBA teams to have to consider using her for pure height? She can run reasonably well for a big, and she has cleared a physical. She doesn't have super powers, so she's not hitting 50% from 3, but she's good enough to rebound and block shots with the men. At the very least she's no worse than Shawn Bradley. Forbes says 17% of 7 foot tall men are in NBA, so would she have to be 7'6"? Eight feet?I think over eight feet and able to dunk and block shots without having to jump. That kind of insane physical advantage would be impossible to overlook even if every NBA scout would be like, "Yes, but can she take a POUNDING?!" Very important in any sports that you be able to withstand pounding of any kind. After all, sports are just cleverly disguised excuses for men to pound each other. If you're gonna bring your sky-high vagina into this, you better be able to pound!By the way, I don't think this will ever happen. I don't think there will ever be a woman physically gifted enough to break through and start for an NFL team (kickers don't count!) or an NBA team. You would need a kind of freakish ability that so far surpasses that of your male counterparts that teams would gladly overlook all the political ramifications of bringing a woman into the fold. (Distraction!) The human skeleton didn't evolve to support someone who is eight feet tall, so even if a woman came along who was the correct undeniable height, she'd probably be too busy having her feet re-broken and put into braces to try out for the Bucks.