The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day - Deadspin Comments

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Trackback — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 03:18:19 EDT

It looks like a Penn State men's basketball player finally found a way for his classmates to notice that he exists...

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Trackback — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 18:20:05 EDT

Stanley Pringle -- Pringle, Stanley! -- has been accused of pulling on his Jeff Cooper. According to a Penn State newspaper, Pringle "sat behind the victim in the stacks section of the library, attempted to start a conversation with the woman and began masturbating.&

Trackback

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Roy Hobbs — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 13:19:36 EST

You know, there's a chance that this story will grow into a bit on Comedy Central, but I'm not sure how.

Roy Hobbs

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

thoughtcriminal — Fri, 23 Jun 2006 18:26:08 EDT

Carl: I really apprciate your investiagtive reporting. Mike Cooper gets what he deserves. I think you should have pushed for a higher bond though, because as you know there are rapists and murders who had smaller bonds in Ohio this year than Cooper did. And everyone knows who is more dangerous. I don't mean to spell it out, but hey Carl not eberyone in the world is as smart as you and me. So, yeah the guy in the library pleasuring himself is much more dangerous than simple murderes or rapists. I mean, this is a sexual predator!!! He was masturbating, at the public library, he didn't even have the decency to do his dirty work at home. Like you said I'm sure at some point he would have preyed on young children, just like Dick Cheney preys on the trusting and fearful. So I for one, Mr. Monday, salute you for bringing justice to your small corner of the globe. I hope to see future probing invesigatvie reports on crucial topics such as: kids who steal candy, elderlies who run red lights, and reporters who ruin lives for personal gain. Thank you sir, and KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!! Your friend, Karl Tuesday

thoughtcriminal

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Jubilation T. Cornpone — Wed, 31 May 2006 00:36:17 EDT

Think of getting caught whacking it by your mom or dad. That would basically be the most embarrassing thing that could happen in your life. But hell, it ain't like your folks are going to tell your friends. Now imagine you get caught instead of by mom, but by a TV reporter. Wiith the footage on tape. Okay, maybe you become a local pariah, lose your friends, but you move over to Pennsylvania or something. Start fresh. But then it hits the internet.... God, today's unemployed library jerkoffs have it tougher than we ever did!

Jubilation T. Cornpone

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Spanish Necktie — Mon, 29 May 2006 18:08:30 EDT

FYI- The classic OSU cheer/song is "Hang on Sloopy," not Snoopy.

Spanish Necktie

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

brettac1 — Sat, 27 May 2006 00:56:22 EDT

"WHY?!?!?" Thirst for the facts. I call it my inner Carl Monday.

brettac1

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Bronto — Fri, 26 May 2006 22:50:53 EDT

time* FUCK.

Bronto

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Bronto — Fri, 26 May 2006 22:50:37 EDT

Hate mail tim to WKYC. They made YouTube take it off.

Bronto

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

The Dude — Fri, 26 May 2006 19:30:16 EDT

Our lives are all the richer, Drew, all the richer ...

The Dude

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Bronto — Fri, 26 May 2006 18:21:53 EDT

Sung to the Darkwing Duck theme song Daring man of mystery Champion of right Swoops out of the shadows Carl owns the night Somewhere some villain schemes But his number's up! (3, 2, 1!) Carl Monday! (When there's trouble you call C.M.!) Carl Monday! ("Let's get masterbators!") Carl Monday! (Carl, Carl Monday!) Cloud of smoke and he appears The master of surprise Who's that cunning mind behind The shadowy disguise? Nobody knows for sure Bad guys are outta luck! 'Cause here comes Carl Monday! Look out! (When there's trouble you call C.M.!) Carl Monday! ("Let's get glory holes!") Carl Monday! (Stay away from me Carl Monday!) Carl Monday!

Bronto

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Big Daddy Drew — Fri, 26 May 2006 18:03:38 EDT

200+ comments. This all could have been avoided if Mike hadn't mixed up his library card with his Players With Yourself Club card.

Big Daddy Drew

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

The Dude — Fri, 26 May 2006 17:45:52 EDT

... And Carl Monday, the masturbator buster, hits 200 comments on DS! CONGRATULATIONS DEADSPINNERS! IT'S MILLER TIME!

The Dude

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

drt0ys — Fri, 26 May 2006 17:22:04 EDT

Probably too late to get creadit for this but: "HANG ON SNOOPY, SNOOPY HANG ON". The You Toob entry really needs that classic OSU cheer going in the background. Goona love forwarding this to my Michigan and OSU fans.

drt0ys

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Dweeze — Fri, 26 May 2006 17:16:25 EDT

We really need to have a Carl Monday theme song contest...

Dweeze

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Big Daddy Drew — Fri, 26 May 2006 17:15:07 EDT

Let's not judge Mike Cooper. Let this guy do it for us. http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0121051judge1.html

Big Daddy Drew

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

larrybird — Fri, 26 May 2006 17:14:01 EDT

Steve: Oh poor little Carl! With the puppy dog eyes! We wouldn't want him to DO HIS JOB! You're pissing the customer off! Look, we'll fire him. Anything to serve you better. Joe: I don't want him fired. I don't want him yelled at. Maybe the best thing to do would be to find some place else to go for lunch. Steve: You lost us another customer Carl. You miserable disgusting failure! You make me sick.

larrybird

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Luis Sojo Jr. — Fri, 26 May 2006 16:59:13 EDT

Carl Monday: "So what do you do at the plate?" Alex Rodriguez: "Nothing really...ground into rally-killing double plays, stuff like that." Carl: "Double plays, wiping down your bat, stuff like that? A-Rod: "No...why?"

Luis Sojo Jr.

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Juancho — Fri, 26 May 2006 16:38:41 EDT

Sojo, it more often falls on cesspool for perverts. See above.

Juancho

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Hail to the Victors — Fri, 26 May 2006 16:37:21 EDT

I think this is what OSU people call "dotting the i"

Hail to the Victors

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Killa Sam — Fri, 26 May 2006 15:51:45 EDT

This is comment #195!!!

Killa Sam

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

supermike — Fri, 26 May 2006 15:37:44 EDT

why, brettac1? why do you need to know that? it's not important at all!!! WHY?!?!?

supermike

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Monday Morning Punter — Fri, 26 May 2006 15:28:22 EDT

Hey, fellas...who's your favorite Little Rascal? Alfalfa...or is it...Spanky? Sinner.

Monday Morning Punter

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

StreakinTheQuad — Fri, 26 May 2006 15:24:30 EDT

Gotta love the Sponsored Links below: OSU Football Tickets? I'm sure the administration would be proud.

StreakinTheQuad

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

SpartyOn — Fri, 26 May 2006 15:11:38 EDT

Just in case you have something that needs investigating: carlmonday@wkyc.com, (216) 344-3300

SpartyOn

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Big Daddy Drew — Fri, 26 May 2006 14:28:15 EDT

I'd say a beacon for perverts, wouldn't you?

Big Daddy Drew

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Luis Sojo Jr. — Fri, 26 May 2006 14:02:02 EDT

"Are our libraries a beacon of light...or a cesspool for perverts?" -Carl Monday's blog

Luis Sojo Jr.

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Tom — Fri, 26 May 2006 12:53:22 EDT

I think Unsilent is just going to time it perfectly and be the 200th comment. If you don't think he's capable of that, you're gravely mistaken.

Tom

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

brettac1 — Fri, 26 May 2006 12:41:35 EDT

The important question is where did he finish? Is it under the desk? On the floor? Do they have a mop guy at the library? That said, I'm just glad he wasn't wearing Brewers gear of any sort.

brettac1

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Tom — Fri, 26 May 2006 12:37:53 EDT

Luis Sojo Jr. - What about "lonely masterbating mustachioed men"? The aliteration there alone is glorious. Plus, mustachioed is infinitely fun to say.

Tom

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Mr. Bigglesworth — Fri, 26 May 2006 12:04:18 EDT

I love the name Carl. Imaging Carl Spackler doing this interview. --Masturbating in a public library. Now that's a Cinderella story. --It's in the hole, It's in the hole! OK, maybe not. -- He had an 8 iron in his hand. --Oh he got all of that one! He's gotta be pleased with that, until we talk to mom and dad. --Mike Cooper's Dad everyone, the Varmint Cong!

Mr. Bigglesworth

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

bmill525 — Fri, 26 May 2006 11:42:41 EDT

Thanks Yostal - yet it seems I can't share in Mr. Cooper's love of the chicken choke, I do not have the proper equipment. "Ooooh, it's a lady!" - Leon Phelps

bmill525

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Luis Sojo Jr. — Fri, 26 May 2006 11:05:38 EDT

MPP - But then the category would be all about the masturbating mustaches of lonely men. If you've never seen a masturbating mustache, hoo boy are you missing out. To be a grammar nazi, it should be "lonely masturbating men with mustaches." Yes, I am at work. Yes, I did say "masturbating mustaches" under my breath as I wrote it, just to hear how it would sound. Yes, my co-worker heard it and inched her chair away.

Luis Sojo Jr.

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

StreakinTheQuad — Fri, 26 May 2006 11:00:52 EDT

Did it occur to anyone that this Cooper guy might actually be Unsilent Majority? He's unemployed, obviously spends lots of time on the computuer, and is highly disturbed. Add in Unsilents mysterious silence on the subject and its just too much to ignore. Hmmmm....

StreakinTheQuad

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

supermike — Fri, 26 May 2006 10:59:37 EDT

supermike

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Mr. Bigglesworth — Fri, 26 May 2006 10:48:44 EDT

Mrs. Cooper is hideous. I'm betting that Carl spends more than his share of time down at the local strip bar/quarter arcade/gay bar. What Iwouldn't give to see Carl on the other end of a glory hole.

Mr. Bigglesworth

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Jimbo — Fri, 26 May 2006 10:30:34 EDT

MMP--greatest quote of all these comments Victors--you're in no position to rip on The Buckeyes right now.

Jimbo

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Mr. Poopy Pants — Fri, 26 May 2006 10:08:07 EDT

Instead of "masturbating lonely men with mustaches", shouldn't that tag read "lonely men with mustaches masturbating", otherwise it has an entirely different meaning, unless, will, you intended to create a category dedicated to the mutual masturbation of lonely men with mustaches.

Mr. Poopy Pants

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Hail to the Victors — Fri, 26 May 2006 10:07:57 EDT

I saw this yesterday, and it still kills me. You see, Buckeyes are good for something after all.

Hail to the Victors

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Monday Morning Punter — Fri, 26 May 2006 09:04:04 EDT

"While Mike Cooper did not achieve what he had set out to do, people watched him."

Monday Morning Punter

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Big Daddy Drew — Fri, 26 May 2006 07:28:47 EDT

Carl Monday is the diametric opposite of Joe Friday. "This is the city. Cleveland, Ohio. I carry a camera. My name's Monday. Put your chubby away."

Big Daddy Drew

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Jakob — Fri, 26 May 2006 01:46:17 EDT

well, i just watched the "trampoline basketball," "library masturbator," and "bubba" videos back to back and i am dying of laughter. so much so that i have to pee, but amazingly carl monday is in my apartment and won't let me pee until i answer his questions.

Jakob

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

koch — Fri, 26 May 2006 01:29:19 EDT

Re: Cubs fan diving in pee Unfortunately, there aren't any open-air bathrooms made out of wood at Wrigley. However, I think we've passed the tipping point on that one.

koch

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

CliffX — Fri, 26 May 2006 00:49:10 EDT

I just hope Carl Monday runs into me, doing something. That would end badly for him.

CliffX

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Nick Kramer — Fri, 26 May 2006 00:22:10 EDT

Best part of Carl Monday's interview with Bubba? The guy who "just wants to get on TV." Carl is not even bothered by it. By the way, has anyone else found at least three different versions of the original story on the WKYC site? Carl's turning in the same story more frequently than Dateline NBC's "To Catch a Predator" series that seems to run every week. Maybe they can hire Carl to get to the bottom of things. What do you think Carl Monday would ask a guy who entered a 13 year old boy's house and immediately disrobed? I want to know.

Nick Kramer

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Scott Senay — Fri, 26 May 2006 00:13:57 EDT

Can we get Carl Monday to take over for Helen Thomas in the White House Press Corps? I want to see him ask Tony Snow if masturbating in the Library of Congress acceptable behavior at any time.

Scott Senay

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Captain Caveman — Fri, 26 May 2006 00:10:53 EDT

Unemployed public masturbating Ohio State fan who lives with his parents... that's just no way to go through life. I mean, I could never root for the Buckeyes.

Captain Caveman

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Blackaces — Thu, 25 May 2006 23:33:07 EDT

Ok, Montecore's post was too funny to begin with. But now that I'm drunk, it's even funnier, and now I can't stop laughing. Damn you, Monte. Damn you!

Blackaces

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Homonculus — Thu, 25 May 2006 22:42:24 EDT

Can't the library work out some sort of policy that correlates time spent masturbating with required reading of classic literature? Then again, Nabokov may not be totally appropriate for Coop.

Homonculus

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Spanish Necktie — Thu, 25 May 2006 22:21:09 EDT

And here's Mrs. Carl Monday, in case any one was curious- 5th picture down. http://www.clevelandseniors.com/people/tarsitanopics2.htm<...

Spanish Necktie

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Luis Sojo Jr. — Thu, 25 May 2006 21:57:27 EDT

It should be noted this post has better numbers than Aubrey Huff. Onward toward the Mendoza line!

Luis Sojo Jr.

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Jeremy — Thu, 25 May 2006 21:40:37 EDT

Well, Mike, with no more computer privileges I guess it's off to the microfilm room where pictures of Eleanor Roosevelt and Mamie Eisenhower await you. That's probably Carl Monday's hangout too. Please keep your chin up, though. I don't want to see a new headstone in Berea Memorial Gardens that reads "Unemployed Porn Site User" for many more years.

Jeremy

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

GoZook — Thu, 25 May 2006 21:38:50 EDT

Watch out Carl Monday could be hiding in your shower right now.....

GoZook

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

themightymjd — Thu, 25 May 2006 21:19:10 EDT

And from now on, whenever I'm considering any sort of questionable behavior, I'm just going to ask myself... "What would happen if Carl Monday saw me doing this?"

themightymjd

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

themightymjd — Thu, 25 May 2006 21:16:14 EDT

What's it say about Carl Monday that most people here are siding with the drunk driver and the public masturbator? Likable fella, that Carl. Someday, someone's going to discover all of his sexual deviancies (and there's no way he doesn't have dozens), and I hope there's someone there to get in his grill while he's trying to piss. And back on the subject of the original masturbator... a comment on his myspace page seems to indicate that he plays Halo 2 online. Which means... he has an internet connection at home. Which would mean... ick. Of course, I'm not sure of the timeline with that. Deadspin commenters deserve some kind of an award, by the way.

themightymjd

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Luis Sojo Jr. — Thu, 25 May 2006 21:15:13 EDT

Q: What separates Coop from most Buckeye fans? A: His high school degree.

Luis Sojo Jr.

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Billy Clyde Puckett — Thu, 25 May 2006 20:50:10 EDT

That's righteous. Just righteous.

Billy Clyde Puckett

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Montecore — Thu, 25 May 2006 20:05:47 EDT

Let he who hath not jacked it at a library cast the first stone.

Montecore

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Tom — Thu, 25 May 2006 19:59:25 EDT

Could somebody get Carl Monday, Investigative Reporter, to find out where Unsilent is. He's the only thing keeping us from the mendoza line.

Tom

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

J.E. Skeets — Thu, 25 May 2006 19:50:34 EDT

I think this same thing happened on an episode of Hangin' With Mr. Cooper, except in the show Coop gets caught jerkin' off in the Golden State Warriors' dressing room. Yeah, I'm pretty sure Holly Robinson-Peete even screams, "I'M A COMBAT VET!" somewhere in it... [Ok, I'm done. Good luck hitting 200 Deadspinners...]

J.E. Skeets

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

rsr26 — Thu, 25 May 2006 19:34:41 EDT

This is the greatest video ever. How did "Deadspin" justify posting this? Is the only sports connection his "OSU" shirt? Awesome.

rsr26

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Henry Porter — Thu, 25 May 2006 19:28:14 EDT

I wish Bubba would have run over Carl Monday. What an ass.

Henry Porter

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Existenz — Thu, 25 May 2006 19:27:31 EDT

It truly is a testament to the creative genius that is Carl Monday that he has completely hijacked this post and made himself the subject of the majority of the comments. The lengths some people will go to in their climb to the top, destroying anyone and everyone--Mike Cooper--who stands in their way. Maybe Bush should make him the head of the CIA instead of Hayden. That microphone can apparently work wonders. You're doing a heck of a job, Monday!

Existenz

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Roger Klotz — Thu, 25 May 2006 19:22:34 EDT

Hey, I go to OSU. We are certainly the best, as that man shows.

Roger Klotz

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Juancho — Thu, 25 May 2006 19:04:31 EDT

I sent Carl an email, and invited him to drop by.

Juancho

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Jacques Bauer — Thu, 25 May 2006 18:59:12 EDT

Yes Skeets and the beauty of either "Stranger" is that it is ably doable by either sex--truly an equal opportunity deployer, as it were... Plus somebody HAS to get the Carl Monday promo of him chasing the guy down the street!

Jacques Bauer

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

SlickBomb — Thu, 25 May 2006 18:39:52 EDT

This is the stuff of legends. I think we might have started 2-3 Deadspin chiches in one thread. And in the Internet THAT is quite an accomplishment.

SlickBomb

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

J.E. Skeets — Thu, 25 May 2006 18:37:37 EDT

Re: 'The Stranger'... I've "heard" of two different "techniques": 1) Jacques explanation -- sit on your hand til it's numb, THEN feed the geese. 2) Paint your finger nails, reach under your leg, and THEN consult Professor Hans Jerkov. Please note that 'The Perfect Stranger' is when you combine the two. Well, that, or you just get Balki to jerk you off. Your call.

J.E. Skeets

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Rick Paulas — Thu, 25 May 2006 18:31:41 EDT

Carl Monday is the bizarro Ric Romero.

Rick Paulas

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

chopper dave — Thu, 25 May 2006 18:12:19 EDT

I'm amazed at Carl Monday. He's got the wispy mustache of Geraldo, and he talks like he's doing a bad Tom Brokaw impression. You're with me...Broraldo?

chopper dave

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

twoeightnine — Thu, 25 May 2006 18:12:03 EDT

monday: why do you drink and drive? bubba: why do you drive and drink?

twoeightnine

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Blackaces — Thu, 25 May 2006 17:52:30 EDT

Reed- Definitely, I'm dying laughing here. Monday Morning Punter's post had me laughing for half the day. Jacques Bauer- Ahh, so thats what they call it. Seriously, though. Cooper should have used the Stuart Scott defense - 'Masterbating is a white thing- expressing emotion!' Poor Cooper, though. It's ridiculous what he did, but the guy seems totally overwhelmed by all of this. And that Monday guy seems like a complete fraud.

Blackaces

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Denis Lemieux — Thu, 25 May 2006 17:46:54 EDT

You know, I bet this would not have happened if his mom got the vacuum cleaner fixed in a timely fashion.

Denis Lemieux

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Orson Swindle — Thu, 25 May 2006 17:45:26 EDT

We all owe Odell51 a debt of gratitude for unearthing this. Carl Monday is the new Chuck Norris.

Orson Swindle

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

reed — Thu, 25 May 2006 17:38:08 EDT

Great laughs deadspiners, i actually started to laugh so hard I was crying reading the comments. "Someone has a case of the Carl Mondays".

reed

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Basshole — Thu, 25 May 2006 17:37:18 EDT

"Well, actually, I wanna pee." "Answer my question and we'll let you pee."

Basshole

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Basshole — Thu, 25 May 2006 17:33:23 EDT

"Carl Monday has made a career of shoving microphones in people's faces." Mike Cooper made a career of pulling his microphone lefthanded in the library.

Basshole

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

TheElectricZarko — Thu, 25 May 2006 17:29:13 EDT

Man, a John Donne reference. Triple fucking word score right there.

TheElectricZarko

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

simplesinger — Thu, 25 May 2006 17:28:54 EDT

"Sports, pornography, stuff like that???" I love how Monday tries to trick/confuse Coop by inconspicuously sliding the big p in there, and it's not like Coop's response was incrimnating or anything. "No... Why?"

simplesinger

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Frank Rizzo — Thu, 25 May 2006 17:28:53 EDT

His lifelong dream is to dot the "i" at halftime of an OSU game. Too bad Deadspin revealed the unique flourish he planned on using to make the moment his own.

Frank Rizzo

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

J.E. Skeets — Thu, 25 May 2006 17:27:51 EDT

"Now back off and let me pee." [Watch Badclown's video.]

J.E. Skeets

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

hiphopnerd — Thu, 25 May 2006 17:26:51 EDT

'more mypsace friends' is what i meant

hiphopnerd

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

hiphopnerd — Thu, 25 May 2006 17:26:24 EDT

Carl Monday, investigative reporter, just sounds like an Arrested Development character...or it just sounds like Carl Weathers. I think 'coopdog310' has my myspace friends than i do...guess i need to visit the library more often.

hiphopnerd

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GoinYostal — Thu, 25 May 2006 17:22:30 EDT

bmill. Kudos, I had the John Cooper joke in the hopper, but you beat me to it. Kudos to you good sir.

GoinYostal

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

BillyPaultzRulz — Thu, 25 May 2006 17:21:22 EDT

I just googled "masturbating lonely men mustaches." This is the first hit: http://www.glow.cc/stories/lonelybears.htm Needless to say, site is not sports related.

BillyPaultzRulz

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Juancho — Thu, 25 May 2006 17:17:06 EDT

supermike...that was Parma. I cannot even begin to tell you about Parma.

Juancho

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

J.E. Skeets — Thu, 25 May 2006 17:13:20 EDT

Oh man, can you even imagine... Carl Monday: So what do you look up on the internet? The Coop: Umm, nothing really. Sports scores, Deadspin, stuff like that.

J.E. Skeets

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

vatican plum — Thu, 25 May 2006 17:09:47 EDT

Ahh...I get it. I jumped too quickly; I should have known it was too good to be true.

vatican plum

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Badclown — Thu, 25 May 2006 17:07:58 EDT

Carl Monday rocks. Check this out, he follows a drunk into a bathroom.... http://www.wkyc.com/monday/monday_article.aspx?storyid=520...

Badclown

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

supermike — Thu, 25 May 2006 17:06:57 EDT

Get away from me, Leather! or You're with me, Carl Monday!

supermike

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Monday Morning Punter — Thu, 25 May 2006 17:05:40 EDT

Just awful! IS NOBODY THINKING OF THE GODDAMN KITTENS!?!

Monday Morning Punter

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Mr. Soul — Thu, 25 May 2006 17:01:11 EDT

Wow. I left work just after this was posted and by the time I got home there were 87 posts. By the time I was done watching it there were 113. What is it about this porn loving computer nerd that has everyone so worked up? Oh, wait, never mind. As the poet H. Simpson once said, "It's funny because it isn't me."

Mr. Soul

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Large — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:59:33 EDT

I strongly endorse "Get away from me, Carl Monday" as the new "You're with me, Leather"

Large

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Sonny McDonough — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:56:52 EDT

Flabbergasted. I thought masturbation was the only truly safe sex. Now instead of all those dead kittens, a young man's gonna meet his maker in Berea, Ohio

Sonny McDonough

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Mo-hio — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:56:24 EDT

Carl Monday is the Beastie look alike, not Mike Cooper. Carl Monday has made a career of shoving microphones in people's faces.

Mo-hio

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

The Dude — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:55:52 EDT

I think Unsilent Majority has been suspended by Will -- Neil Everett style ...

The Dude

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Brian — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:55:14 EDT

Damn that quite a title to have to like with for the rest of your life - "the unemployed pornsite user who lives with his parents".

Brian

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

twoeightnine — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:55:03 EDT

and i honestly hope that he wasn't looking at "I'm BeTtEr OfF oN mY oWn!!!!!" in the library.

twoeightnine

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

BillyPaultzRulz — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:54:39 EDT

VP - Carl Monday is a buck-50 and works out at the gym, and sports the Beastie look. Mike Cooper is, well, Mike Cooper. He is still the perfect man for you, or any woman.

BillyPaultzRulz

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Big Daddy Drew — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:54:07 EDT

MMP, now that guy was a pro. Took off and never let the camera show his face. I hope I masturbate publicly like that guy.

Big Daddy Drew

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Brandon — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:52:16 EDT

I would like to nominate "Get away from me Carl Monday!" as a potential new Deadspin tagline. Really, what captures the essence of the site better than that?

Brandon

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Captain Caveman — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:51:25 EDT

As I write this, there are already 109 comments, without a single entry from (Un)silent Majority. This is Deadspin's Ewing Theory moment.

Captain Caveman

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

twoeightnine — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:50:31 EDT

the only question that i have is: does anyone like her body?

twoeightnine

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

BillyPaultzRulz — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:45:22 EDT

Ohio librarians rule: "he freakin' groped me." By the way, I was just fired. Where are you, Unsilent Majority? Go to hell, Mike Cooper, go to hell!!!

BillyPaultzRulz

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Gasface — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:44:52 EDT

This kid will definitely try to kill himself, I'm betting. Not that I approve of wackin in public, but I'd love to find a way to destroy that reporters career.

Gasface

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

vatican plum — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:43:58 EDT

So according to his myspace profile he is a Christian Ohio State fan looking for Miss Right and according to Mo-Hio who works out at his gym this dude looks like a Beastie circa Sabotage. Could it be that I have finally found a man upon whom my mother and I can agree?

vatican plum

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

supermike — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:42:35 EDT

OH MY GOD WHAT IS GOING ON IN OHIO!!!?!?!?!?!? http://www.wkyc.com/news/news_article.aspx?storyid=52768

supermike

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

SRL — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:37:50 EDT

Charles, they posted "This is not how to play trampeline basketball" earlier in the Leftovers or Blogdome, so definately check there and go to watch the video, hilarious. Anyone got a clip of Carl Monday's intro for the news, i'd love to see the guy screaming "Get away from me CARL MONDAY!"

SRL

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

mick the munch — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:36:53 EDT

My question is, how did he get his parents involved? "Dad, I was like at the libary looking at sports and stuff and then when i left there was some guy outside from the tv station. Well they gave me a ride home and they would like to talk to you about some library policy stuff on the front lawn."

mick the munch

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Johhny Bluejeans — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:35:51 EDT

Upon further investigation into Mike's myspace page, he sends this message to a friend (note the time. I assume he just got done masterbating.) mike 3/9/2006 2:09 AM hey whats up not much here hope you are having fun. i got a new computer from one of my dads friends. have fun hope we can hang this weekend. mike

Johhny Bluejeans

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Jacques Bauer — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:35:24 EDT

150 lbs or no, I'M scared of Carl Monday! I cant stop watching this--

Jacques Bauer

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

BillyPaultzRulz — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:34:27 EDT

Conversation overheard at Cleveland-area library: Librarian 1: So, I caught another perve giving himself the ol' Mike Cooper. Librarian 2: Really? Gross. What did you do. Librarian 1: What do you think? I went all Carl Monday on his ass. You won't see him around here again.

BillyPaultzRulz

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Monday Morning Punter — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:33:30 EDT

I'm just certain that's not his umbrella. The saga continues: http://www.wkyc.com/video/player.aspx?aid=23476&bw=

Monday Morning Punter

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Frinklin — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:33:00 EDT

Will, MJD... can we -for the love of all that is Holy- not make "masturbating lonely men with mustaches" all that popular a tag here?

Frinklin

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

supermike — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:32:59 EDT

"looking at pornography hmmmmmm?" "yes. i mean - no. what? why? no, never. why?" "we got you on tape" "wasnt me" "were you having sex in there" "no i've NEVER HAD SEX IN MY LIFE!" "well, i meant with yourself" "oh then yes, but is that really the term to use, Carl Monday? it's not really sex at all..." "busted, dude - let's go visit your parents" "fine, but can you hold my umbrella for a second?" "there is no way in hell, Lefty." "i'm totally gonna mow you down in my friend's camaro"

supermike

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Big Daddy Drew — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:32:04 EDT

Then again, Unsilent Majority seems to have the day off today, so maybe we won't get that many posts.

Big Daddy Drew

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

covert — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:31:18 EDT

those categories are epic...i can't wait to see the day when they are completely filled

covert

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

BillyPaultzRulz — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:29:40 EDT

This story is like an onion, and we are just peeling away the layers. I checked out Carl Monday's recent "stories" on his channel's web site. In a word, Carl Monday is AWESOME!!! I may move to Cleveland just so I can watch this guy work. How he is not a national figure of prominence is beyond me.

BillyPaultzRulz

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

The Dude — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:29:00 EDT

It's comforting to know that 100+ Deadspin commentators are high school or high school equivilancy graduates and masturbate a lot. Weee!!

The Dude

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Spanish Necktie — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:28:29 EDT

Dweeze- Congrats on cracking the Carl Monday message board with... "Is your name really Carl Monday? I mean, c'mon. Who has a name like that?"

Spanish Necktie

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

rsr26 — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:25:38 EDT

Four words you never want to hear yourself described as: "unemployed porn site user."

rsr26

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Juancho — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:24:24 EDT

Time to set a comments record! j.blo, your mom speaks the truth. I'm very pro-first amendment, especially in terms of the actual physical materials we have. But you can limit kids from that stuff, while the Internet is right out in the open on computers all over the library.

Juancho

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

PeteJayhawk — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:20:24 EDT

"Get away from me Carl Monday!" Bwahahahahahahahaha!!1!

PeteJayhawk

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Big Daddy Drew — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:19:04 EDT

Jimbo, the record was the over 100 or so comments that came from the "Submit the crappiest team nickname" post. If jerkin' it to the Dewey Decimal System can't beat that, nothing can.

Big Daddy Drew

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

James — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:15:42 EDT

Guess I better not stick any gum under the computer desks at the library anymore. I might get some of Mary's hair gel.

James

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

rsr26 — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:12:59 EDT

I used to play Dungeons and Dragons with that guy back in '82. Best thing you will see all day? Don't you mean "best thing you will see ever in your whole life?"

rsr26

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Rusty — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:11:44 EDT

Juancho, community standards shouldn't come to play. If I'm at the library looking at graphic pictures of erect penises or beaver shots and the person next to me complains...guess what, the complainer is (supposed to be) out of luck. Pornographic material with reedemable value is totally protected. Would I get kicked out of your library if I looked up a sex position to try on my girlfriend? Would a girl get kicked out for checking out a video on how to properly give a breast exam? How about people interested in seeing the wicked gross effects of STDs? Two people fucking, though pornographic, is protected no matter what. It's not the government;s job to decide what we can and can not look at. If it legal, which pornography is, it's fair game. Also, here's some good advice if your library has an Internet filter. if you're over 18, they are required by the Supreme Court to turn it off on request. It really pisses them off.

Rusty

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

BillyPaultzRulz — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:11:10 EDT

Mike says he is straight: isn't that more of a guess than anything right now?

BillyPaultzRulz

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

themightymjd — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:10:37 EDT

I've just to find a way to use the "masturbating lonely men with mustaches" tag this weekend...

themightymjd

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

j.blo — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:10:36 EDT

Juancho, my mother is a librarian and she tells me this sh*t happens all the time. Without getting too deep into politics, the American Library Association is, obviously, pretty pro-First Amendment, so you can pretty much access anything on the internet at most libraries. Then, you've got wackos leering at children, just like they do at any public park, pool, etc. Literally yesterday my mother sent me an interoffice email from her library concerning a retarded man who tried to get two teenage boys to check out his mother's van. So this doesn't surprise me. However, this -- in particular, the Morrisonesque 'stache -- is quite amusing. This guy's the Mo Clarett of library patrons.

j.blo

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Fennis — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:02:05 EDT

The Reporter/Pornographer should have said "There you were, treating your body like it was an amusement park."

Fennis

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

DD4Life — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:00:36 EDT

Maybe his dad didn't get so drunk all the time, Mr. Library would have been a little more learned on the rights and wrongs of the world, no?

DD4Life

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Mo-hio — Thu, 25 May 2006 16:00:09 EDT

Carl Monday works out at my gym. Dude weighs probably 150 pounds and looks like one of the Beastie Boys (MCA?) circa the "Sabotage" video. His promo spot on the local news shows him chasing a huge black guy down the street while he (the perp, that is) shouts "Get away from me Carl Monday!" Basically, if you see Carl Monday approach you, get the eff out of Dodge.

Mo-hio

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Jimbo — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:58:53 EDT

What is the record for comments on a single post? Are we getting close?

Jimbo

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Charles — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:58:38 EDT

Can I get a link for Super Trampoline Basketball? I searched on YouTube and had a bunch of videos show up

Charles

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Willie Hayes — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:54:57 EDT

Wow. His MySpace page is in-credible. Fa-nominal. A-rugala. It's all about Halo 2. http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewp...

Willie Hayes

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Captain Caveman — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:53:22 EDT

BRAVO Johnny Bluejeans!!! From one of Mike's friends: "I'll try to be on tonight. I haven't played Halo 2 in forever. Its time for us to kick some ass again." And yet his headline is "lookin for miss right." You know what? It's too easy. I'd like something with a higher degree of difficulty.

Captain Caveman

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

SRL — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:52:54 EDT

supermike - that was back in '03. seeing as how he is unemployed and apparently got a ride home from the camera crew, im guessing he has had to give up the ride.

SRL

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Matt Sussman — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:52:39 EDT

Some shocking discoveries from the Myspace page Johnny Bluejeans unearthed: • He's single. • He plays Halo 2. • He is in my extended network. • He wants children "someday." Whether he means fathering them is open to interpretation. • Most surprisingly, he has not finished college. I am curious to see what his paper on Women's suffrage looked like. • He took an automotive tech prep class, which is the golden escalator to riches and fame. --Suss

Matt Sussman

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Willie Hayes — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:47:33 EDT

This isn't Nam, son. There are rules!

Willie Hayes

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

The Big Nickel — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:45:56 EDT

http://img218.imageshack.us/my.php?image=coopersscreen5aw....

The Big Nickel

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

supermike — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:44:42 EDT

canNOT believe he drives such a bitchin' Camaro! http://myspace-018.vo.llnwd.net/00117/81/07/117617018_l.jp...

supermike

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Juancho — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:37:54 EDT

Slick and Rusty- it all depends on community standards, and Ohio law gives a lot of leeway. We do have the right to ask them to stop in such circumstances. Your Constitutional rights are only valid when they're not infringing on someone else's Constitutional rights. Yes, adults can look at porn in a public place, such as a library. However, there has to be a reasonable expectation that no one under the age of 18 will see it. It is technically illegal for persons under the age of 18 to view pornography. Then it breaks the law if an adult has it on their screen. It's also illegal if you're looking at pornography and it makes someone else uncomfortable, the community standards come into play again. This is all moot if the person is masturbating. That's committing a lewd act. And if their pants are unzipped, that's indecent exposure. Besides, who just looks at porn to look at porn and not, well, you know?

Juancho

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

T-dawg — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:37:01 EDT

i'm having a hard time figuring out what is going on in the midwest... first the cub urinal dive, now this. is it something in the water? something to do with not having mountains? do people in Ohio actually sport the stache, or is he an anomoly?

T-dawg

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Jacques Bauer — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:33:21 EDT

Blackaces--you are confused--I believe you are referring to "The Stranger"-- My "friend" told me how it works-- apparently you sit on your hand until it is numb--THEN its like someone else is giving you a helping hand, as it were My "friend" does this all the time

Jacques Bauer

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

bmill525 — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:32:15 EDT

Oh, this just makes me giggle like a little girl. Just, wow. If John Cooper's record against the Wolverines was even one game better, this guy might have taken the lead as my favorite OSU Cooper ever.

bmill525

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

PeteJayhawk — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:31:50 EDT

You don't have to sign a release to be interviewed for the local news. This world would be significantly less cool if EDSBS did not exist.

PeteJayhawk

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Chris — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:29:18 EDT

As sad as that whole thing was, I was rooting for the dad to whip that "investigative journalist" clown.

Chris

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

supermike — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:25:25 EDT

I'm in agreement with MDT about Super Trampoline Baskeball. That clip doesen't deserve it's very own post - that deserves it's very own INTERNET!!!!

supermike

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Jackwraith — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:25:24 EDT

I agree that it's hilarious, but I guess the thing that kind of gets me is: Isn't there SOMETHING else of more public value that can be shown for 5 minutes of the local news? I mean, is it really that important for them to be warning the public about they need to SAVE YOUR CHILDREN FROM THE LIBRARY JERKOFF MENACE NOW!!!! OTOH, it is about a Buckeye fan so, hey, it's funny...

Jackwraith

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

the ghost of gil heredia — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:23:33 EDT

Most masturbation-centric day at Deadspin...ever

the ghost of gil heredia

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

WiserTime — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:21:24 EDT

Berea, this is SurfControl. SurfControl, this is Berea. Go crazy. Otherwise, I'm afraid the follow-up story will have grown men in sweater-vests outside the library shouting "Block that Porn!, Block that Porn!"

WiserTime

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Johhny Bluejeans — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:19:19 EDT

MIKE COOPER MYSPACE page... hes looking for a serious relationship ladies. http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewp...

Johhny Bluejeans

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

rev5 — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:15:44 EDT

doesn't he have to like sign a release or something to appear on tv? why would he sign it?

rev5

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Carmen McFanzone — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:14:39 EDT

I can't explain it but somehow the umbrella caps off the entire experience.

Carmen McFanzone

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Larry Bird Flu — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:12:00 EDT

This more than makes up for neglecting Crawford in the The Closer this morning. Thank you.

Larry Bird Flu

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

simplesinger — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:10:06 EDT

That reporter sounded like the voice-over guy from NFL flims...

simplesinger

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

BigRicks — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:08:40 EDT

Mike Cooper's dad = Walter Sobchek Who AM I? I'm a fucking Veteran that's who. I didn't watch my buddies die face down in the muck...

BigRicks

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Dweeze — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:07:55 EDT

Sadly, S. Necktie, Carl Monday, Cleveland's Investigative Reporter, monitors comments on his blog.

Dweeze

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

BigRicks — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:07:51 EDT

Mike Cooper's dad = Walter Sobchek Who AM I? I'm fucking Veterans that's who. I didn't watch my buddies die face down in the muck...

BigRicks

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Big Daddy Drew — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:07:20 EDT

Necktie, here's the comment I sent in: "Why didn't Carl also interview 'caught masturbating' expert Judge Reinhold for this story? That's shoddy journalism." It said the comment needed blog author approval. I doubt you'll be seeing it.

Big Daddy Drew

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Hustler of Culture — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:07:02 EDT

Add this to the list why Deadspin is my favorite site on the web. So another unanswered question is how badly did Molester Lester get beaten by his dad that night?

Hustler of Culture

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Rusty — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:06:20 EDT

Juancho, viewing pornography in a library is (believe it or not) Constitutionally protected. You have to let them look at it. You absolutely can not kick them out. So either I call BS or you're library is violating the law.

Rusty

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

SlickBomb — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:05:53 EDT

Masturful. I can't believe that's even real. And Juanacho-- Good lookin' out on those 13 year olds looking at porn! And I thought my job was tough.

SlickBomb

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Magistra — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:05:46 EDT

How does a hot guy like that not have a girlfriend to take care of his needs?

Magistra

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Johhny Bluejeans — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:04:52 EDT

That reporter is the next Joey Greco of CHEATERS.

Johhny Bluejeans

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Blackaces — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:04:41 EDT

Wow, this guy is a leftie? A 'friend' told me that if you go lefty, it feels like someone else is doing it for you! Not that I'd know personally. I mean, well. You know, my friend told me. ... Yea, um ok. I'm headed to the library now.

Blackaces

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

ClintLongworth — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:02:20 EDT

If you look closely, he's actually looking at old pictures of David Boston. And you can't help but masturbate furiously when you're looking at old pictures of David Boston.

ClintLongworth

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Dan Daoust — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:00:34 EDT

"Can you think of any time when a patron sitting at a computer and watching porn and masturbating would be acceptable behavior?" Great question, Cronkite.

Dan Daoust

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Gravy — Thu, 25 May 2006 15:00:13 EDT

I'm just suprised it wasn't maurice clarett.

Gravy

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

BillyPaultzRulz — Thu, 25 May 2006 14:57:42 EDT

Second Jakob: are Ohioans standards so low that whenever a bodily fluid leaves their body, however precipitated, it is "having sex?" By that standard, I was "having sex" regularly when I was in junior high. Who knew? Love the reporters sweet jacket and how he keeps shoving the mic in people's faces, all phallic-like. I would be as worried about him around my kids as Mr. Buckeye. Oh, and I heard Tressel just revoked his scholly.

BillyPaultzRulz

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Dweeze — Thu, 25 May 2006 14:55:58 EDT

Now is the time when we combined two great Deadspin posts. I just left this on the Barbaro message board. Barbaro I've watched films of you online at the local library, and I really like what I see. I'm sorry about the injury, but at least you got a great life ahead of you. A great, great life. Best of luck. Mike Cooper, 25; Cleveland, OH, posted on 2006-05-25 14:55:05

Dweeze

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

BigRicks — Thu, 25 May 2006 14:55:35 EDT

There really is nothing better than this shit. Anyone watch dateline last night when they invite predators into a house, make them strip naked, and then have 3 cameras and a grown man with a microphone ask them what the hell they are doing. Highest of high comedy, doctors, rabbis, everything, butt naked in a kitchen talking to a reporter, I could've watched for hours.

BigRicks

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Juancho — Thu, 25 May 2006 14:53:01 EDT

Son of a bitch, this is not news! Shit like this happens to me just about every day! Pardon my outburst. Read this, follow up to the clip: http://wkyc.com/news/news_article.aspx?storyid=52623 As some of you (ok, maybe 2 of you?) might know, I'm a librarian. This stuff happens all the time. We catch people looking at porn every day and throw them out, especially if they are underage or their are underage children around. We've caught people masturbating. We've caught people having sex. We've had people smoking up in the bathrooms- and they pulled the fire alarm wiring out of the wall so they wouldn't get caught. Hell, we've caught people using our bathrooms as full-fledged beauty salons. I'll fully agree that if you looked "perv" or "Lester the Molester" in the dictionary, you'd see this guy. He's right in line with the most of the pervs I've ever had to bust. Black, white, Hispanic, Asian...doesn't matter, they all share the 'stache. This happened in Berea, home of Browns HQ. I'm surprised he had Bucks gear and not Brownies.

Juancho

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Tom — Thu, 25 May 2006 14:52:18 EDT

On top of the whole masterbating Ohio St. fan, John Donne is running security at the library! Licence my roving hands, and let them go Before, behind, between, above, below.

Tom

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

MDT — Thu, 25 May 2006 14:51:16 EDT

And may I add, it's a CRIME that Super Trampoline Basketball hasn't gotten its own post.

MDT

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

MDT — Thu, 25 May 2006 14:50:58 EDT

This might be the best week ever for sports YouTubing. The Josh Howard nutshot yesterday was the funniest thing I've seen in weeks, and then we add Super Trampoline Basketball! and THIS today.

MDT

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Henry Porter — Thu, 25 May 2006 14:50:15 EDT

Is this guy more stupid for jacking off in a library or talking to a reporter about it?

Henry Porter

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

jake(ymon) — Thu, 25 May 2006 14:50:09 EDT

So, did they follow the guy home? Or did they give him a ride? Also, do you think he sees Geraldo's moustache when he looks in the mirror? Finally: "I AM A COMBAT VET!"

jake(ymon)

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

The Revolting Blob — Thu, 25 May 2006 14:49:02 EDT

so many things running through my mind... -why did the guy appear on camera in the first place? -why did he continue to talk when he was busted? -for the love of god, why did he bring the camera man home? -why would the family agree to go on camera? my favorite quote comes from the dad: "I am a combat veteran!" right, like that somehow makes up for the fact that your son a) is 23 and lives at home; b) is unemployed; c) spanks it in the local public library.

The Revolting Blob

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

The Big Picture — Thu, 25 May 2006 14:48:19 EDT

people are gonna point and laugh next time this guy shows his face in the Horseshoe.

The Big Picture

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Spanish Necktie — Thu, 25 May 2006 14:48:10 EDT

Deadspinners- This story comes with it's own message board courtesy of WKYC. You might want to give them th 'ol Barbaro treatment. http://www.wkyc.com/weblog/carlmonday/2006/05/perverts-par...

Spanish Necktie

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

StreakinTheQuad — Thu, 25 May 2006 14:47:20 EDT

Deadspin should devote a daily post to OSU and/or Duke news. They are such easy targets.

StreakinTheQuad

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Todd the Walleye — Thu, 25 May 2006 14:45:44 EDT

Not only is the moustachioed lonely guy scrolling up the screen against the grain, he's also going lefty. Pervert or not, that takes some ambidextrous talent that I don't think I possess. I can't even flush the toilet left-handed.

Todd the Walleye

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

The Dude — Thu, 25 May 2006 14:44:42 EDT

What's more impressive about this guy? That he can wack off left handed? That he can scroll down the page that fast while wacking off left handed? That he can talk some tough shit to a TV reporter (while standing behind his 6-6 psychotic war veteran father)? GOOOO BUCKEYES!!

The Dude

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day

Hercules McAwesome — Thu, 25 May 2006 14:43:35 EDT

THE masturbator from THE Ohio State University (nice sweatshirt, is that a Nike Swoosh or is that a ....ohmygod.)

Hercules McAwesome