That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works - Deadspin Comments

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Sports-Pun — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 18:55:11 EDT

"I'm beginning to think this guy's coming on to me.."

Ba dum chh

/wicked late

Sports-Pun

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

MrSinlinlin — Thu, 17 May 2007 16:28:27 EDT

Any chance the Snorg girl would fall for the line: "Come to my house for an athletic massage."

MrSinlinlin

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

PenskeMaterial — Thu, 17 May 2007 16:02:14 EDT

Sorry, I got here late.

It's worth noting that this Porras douchebag was also a moderately successful QB in the Canadian Football League, and started out in the glorious USFL.

So surely it's unfair to attribute this alumni "success story" solely to the Arena Football League. Spread the love around, so to speak.

PenskeMaterial

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

EdinWestchester — Thu, 17 May 2007 15:30:18 EDT

I have two daughters. The oldest is nearly 6 and is taking karate. The younger is 2 and will start next year.
In two years, I start collecting swords and hanging them in my living room for when suitors come calling. I may also purchase a couple of rifles.

If this fucker did that to my daughter, there would be no need for a trial. They would never find his ass. Or dick, or any part of his body.

EdinWestchester

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Trot Nixons Hat — Thu, 17 May 2007 14:00:13 EDT

@Lady Andrea: I don't know if it's possible to wrap myself... Hmmmm...

Trot Nixons Hat

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Metschick — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:58:08 EDT

@Russkiejedi: Boo. It could've been glorious.

Metschick

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Russkiejedi — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:57:08 EDT

@UkraineNotWeak: A picture of Julian Tavarez will work for Andrea, as well.

Speaking of Julian Tavarez, the Tigers must be really scared of Mr. Krueger. 2 hits through 4 1/3... come on, guys!

Russkiejedi

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

BenConant — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:56:11 EDT

Registered Offender List
Search Criteria: monday, carl
No offenders found.

damn it.

BenConant

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Russkiejedi — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:55:22 EDT

@metschick: He was probably 7 or 8 at the time... he may have changed a bit since then.

Russkiejedi

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

UkraineNotWeak — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:55:19 EDT

@apostles03:

I just got an e-mail last week from my Homeowners Association that there is one in my neighborhood.

UkraineNotWeak

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

apostles03 — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:52:30 EDT

http://www.familywatchdog.us/

Use the National Sex Offender Registry to find the sexual predator in your neighborhood.

Spooky as hell.

apostles03

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Lady Andrea — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:51:29 EDT

@UkraineNotWeak: @Diddly: My wordsmithery is astounding.

Lady Andrea

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

diddly — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:48:34 EDT

package come

Bukkake!

diddly

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

crazyjoedavola — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:47:06 EDT

@metschick: Omar is a magician.

Two daughters oldest is six. I still dont get how when one of these guys is arrested, they dont later find him a pool of his own blood. I dont think an arrest and jail would let me get peace of mind.

crazyjoedavola

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

UkraineNotWeak — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:46:52 EDT

@Lady Andrea:

"package come"

Wow, you are talented!!!

UkraineNotWeak

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

12-Inch Idongivafuck Sandwich — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:45:56 EDT

@Tuffy: Ha...I figured it was just me...

I don't hate America, work Internet Explorer hates America...

12-Inch Idongivafuck Sandwich

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

BenConant — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:45:51 EDT

You should have seen what he did in the school library.

"Are you jacking it, mister?"

BenConant

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Lady Andrea — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:45:30 EDT

@UkraineNotWeak: I will be expecting a package come the 1st of October.

Lady Andrea

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Tuffy — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:45:08 EDT

@12-inch Idongivafuck Sandwich: No, it's just you. Why do you hate America?

Tuffy

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Tuffy — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:44:32 EDT

@TheStarterWife: Oh, good; I see Sparky's getting up. Can someone get him a glass of water or the Mariners' job or something?

Tuffy

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

12-Inch Idongivafuck Sandwich — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:43:43 EDT

@Tuffy: I know, but even my comment on the same page isn't working...it takes me back a page, even though it should just move me up a few comments...

12-Inch Idongivafuck Sandwich

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Ron — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:43:33 EDT

@apostles03: Being fat at 25 isn't very good, either.

All that aside, he should've gone with "hair gel" rather than "massage oil," and he probably shouldn't have fallen asleep on top of her.

Ron

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Tuffy — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:42:36 EDT

@12-inch Idongivafuck Sandwich: Going back a page to see your comment on page 1 doesn't work; no one has updated the JavaScript yet to do that since the page system was implemented. I'm sure it's in someone's .plan file somewhere.

Tuffy

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Metschick — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:41:32 EDT

At least Vargas has been great through the first three.

Metschick

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

sarah — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:41:30 EDT

@Tuffy: AT WORK.

In the rest of my life... not so much.

sarah

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

UkraineNotWeak — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:40:52 EDT

What have I learned from these comments?

I now know what to get Lady Andrea, The Starter Wife and metchick for their birthdays.

Thanks for the gift idea.

UkraineNotWeak

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Metschick — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:39:29 EDT

@Russkiejedi: I think I'd like to meet your brother. We can take long bounces in the park.

Metschick

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Tuffy — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:39:23 EDT

@TheStarterWife: There are lines you won't cross? I can't tell you how disappointing that is. I feel like someone ran over Sparky. (Not my dog; Sparky Anderson.)

@BowdenBowdenBowden: I fully expect the gargoyle to explode upon impact. I cannot wait to crank up Mosaic when I get home.

Tuffy

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

12-Inch Idongivafuck Sandwich — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:39:17 EDT

@Tuffy: Not the actual "reply to comment part", but when I click on my name in your comment, it takes me back a page, even though it should take me to my comment...

12-Inch Idongivafuck Sandwich

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Tuffy — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:37:54 EDT

@12-inch Idongivafuck Sandwich: Two possibilities:

1) You're trying to respond to someone with an apostrophe (or single quote) in their name. The JavaScript fails when that happens, sending you to the top of the page.

2) It goes Goofy sometimes. In that case, click in the comment box and give it another attempt. Also, consider a B-12 shot.

Tuffy

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

apostles03 — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:37:44 EDT

@The Fans Attic: Oh, don't get me wrong. The hunting is excellent for some friends of mine (single and married), but that is not how apostles03 rolls. I'd hate to be all fat and ugly though---I'd miss the smiles and subtle flirtations. Women rock.

apostles03

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

BowdenBowdenBowden — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:36:55 EDT

@Tuffy: Nope, Julio's at the Hot Corner today. And I fully expect a webgem.

BowdenBowdenBowden

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Russkiejedi — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:36:30 EDT

@metschick: My older brother went down the stairs on one of those... hardcore.

Russkiejedi

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

CatHairSweater — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:36:10 EDT

@Russkiejedi:

I too have a little girl, 9 months, and I have already started the death stare. I see 2 year olds looking at my girl, my mind screams "avert your fucking eyes!"

CatHairSweater

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Tuffy — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:35:46 EDT

@2ndBase: You're *kidding*.

Tuffy

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Lady Andrea — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:35:46 EDT

@TheStarterWife: no worries. I'm sure if I were so inclined, I could hook myself up.

Lady Andrea

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

12-Inch Idongivafuck Sandwich — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:35:36 EDT

Is anyone else's @ not working? Like I try to click on it to see what message its referring to, and it just takes me back to page 1, even though it should just go up a few comments?

12-Inch Idongivafuck Sandwich

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

jwaves2007 — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:35:15 EDT

Welcome to Arizona, the new Ohio.

jwaves2007

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Jen P — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:34:11 EDT

@Stev D: I totally had to look that up. And it ended up being pretty much what I thought.

Jen P

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

sarah — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:34:10 EDT

@Lady Andrea: I would google it, but I am at work and some lines I do not cross.

I just remember seeing it once with my girlfriend when stocking up for a bridal shower.

sarah

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

ChrisMullinsFlattop — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:33:11 EDT

Sorry it smells like jizz in here...probably is jizz.

ChrisMullinsFlattop

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Metschick — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:33:02 EDT

@Diddly: That would be best.

Metschick

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Lance Uppercut — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:32:37 EDT

Somewhere in Arizona Carl Monday has his KBBL van going 90 MPH trying to get to the scene.

Lance Uppercut

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

LloydCarrPoolLane — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:32:31 EDT

@metschick: Wait...did you say G-spot?? oh...G-Rated...forget it...

LloydCarrPoolLane

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

diddly — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:31:39 EDT

@metschick: Not really. She works too. Perhaps I'll wait until later.

diddly

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

PatrickEwingsGuarantee — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:31:00 EDT

I'd hate to see his take on Shiatsu.

PatrickEwingsGuarantee

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Lady Andrea — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:30:40 EDT

@TheStarterWife: wowie zowie. Not that I would be interested in that.....at all.

Lady Andrea

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Red Sox Monster — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:30:27 EDT

@2ndBase: A 50-year-old playing infield. Sounds a lot like my beer-league softball team.

Red Sox Monster

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Stev D — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:30:22 EDT

This is like the time my Lacrosse coach improved my peripheral vision by giving me Arabian goggles

Stev D

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Metschick — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:30:21 EDT

@TheStarterWife: I can just imagine. Even the G-rated handles on my ball make me laugh.

@Lloyd_Carr_Pool_Lane: damn right.

Metschick

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

2ndBase — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:29:49 EDT

Julio Franco at 3B. Haha.

2ndBase

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

The Fan’s Attic — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:29:35 EDT

@apostles03: don't ruin it for us youngins by telling the truth. lie, dammit, lie!! tell us that you do have worry about your member at age 44 because the hunting is good.

The Fan’s Attic

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

LloydCarrPoolLane — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:29:28 EDT

@metschick: Damn you type fast!

LloydCarrPoolLane

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Jen P — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:29:22 EDT

Looks like I'm going to Target for lunch ...

Jen P

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

sarah — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:29:09 EDT

@metschick: You should also look in um... an "adult" shop. Different handle.

sarah

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Russkiejedi — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:28:54 EDT

@apostles03: As the father of a daughter (who is still a toddler), I fully agree. Guys like this deserve castration (and if he wants it replaced with a bottle of massage oil, I think that's ok).

Russkiejedi

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Metschick — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:28:52 EDT

@BowdenBowdenBowden: Prob. just resting up for Da Yanks!

Metschick

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Red Sox Monster — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:28:44 EDT

@metschick: Now that's creativity I can admire.

Red Sox Monster

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

LloydCarrPoolLane — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:28:28 EDT

@Pity Da Fool: unless it has to do with sex.

LloydCarrPoolLane

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Metschick — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:28:17 EDT

@Jen P: yes! I found it in Target.

Metschick

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

sarah — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:28:16 EDT

@Lady Andrea: You know that they make "adult" verisons of that ball. I've seen them in the shop.

sarah

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Metschick — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:28:07 EDT

@Pity Da Fool: Not even if there's a woman between you and the ball?

Metschick

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

BowdenBowdenBowden — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:27:59 EDT

@metschick: They even gave Damion Easley the day off, considering they've got Newhan, Gotay and Julio Franco playing in the infield...

I'm wondering if some of the Mets didn't go out and get so shitfaced last night that they couldn't make the early start time.

BowdenBowdenBowden

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Jen P — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:27:44 EDT

@metschick: Whoa. Like the ones with the handle that you sit on? That I had as a kid? There are grown-up size versions? Holy cow.

Jen P

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Metschick — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:27:36 EDT

@Lady Andrea: yes. I "bought one for Baby Mets". You know it's really mine. And nothing dirty happens on it - I just bounce around my yard, making Baby Mets laugh.

@throwbot: They do, but we ignore them.

Metschick

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Red Sox Monster — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:27:13 EDT

In general, men should never use exercise balls. It's a Man Law -- look it up.

Red Sox Monster

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

The Fan’s Attic — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:27:02 EDT

After all this talk of massage oil, I can't get the stupid scene from Van Wilder where Taj (Kumar) goes flying out the window after over oiling.

I think that was Van Wilder.

The Fan’s Attic

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

apostles03 — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:26:43 EDT

@The Fans Attic: I'm 44 now, and one of the sad realities of life as you get older is that, no, Mr. Johnson doesn't get me in trouble anymore.

Hot women look at me surrounded by my boys and think "what a handsome crew", not "oh, what a D.I.L.F.".

apostles03

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

UkraineNotWeak — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:26:36 EDT

@Lady Andrea:

That also happens to a lot of guys.

UkraineNotWeak

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Metschick — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:26:24 EDT

@Diddly: I know what it means! (Wait, do you have someone waiting for you at home?)

Metschick

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

a single mother (with a penis) — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:26:23 EDT

@Russkiejedi: "Having someone more than twice your age rub and kiss your butt is alarming? It must be a generational difference..."

Nice thought for this soon to be 53 y.o.. yuk!

a single mother (with a penis)

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

throwbot — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:26:05 EDT

@metschick: For those of you who are Catholic, rub it and pray nine times

I thought the Catholic Church had rules against that.

throwbot

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Lady Andrea — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:26:03 EDT

@metschick: like the one Phoebe bounces around the block on on Friends? Yeah, those are even better than exercise balls.

Lady Andrea

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Metschick — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:25:37 EDT

@BigTenObsession: I realize the good sense in sitting Reyes, but did Wright and Beltran need to have the day off also??

Metschick

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

diddly — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:25:34 EDT

@Diddly: I don't even know what that means.

diddly

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

diddly — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:25:10 EDT

@metschick: Looks like I'm going home for lunch.

diddly

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Lady Andrea — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:25:09 EDT

@Jen P: yeah, that's dangerous. It just sends you shooting right across the room.

Lady Andrea

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Red Sox Monster — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:24:21 EDT

For the record, a Happy Ending sundae is a two-scoop delight. A Happy Ending workout is a ... oh, nevermind.

Red Sox Monster

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Metschick — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:24:04 EDT

@Diddly: I also have one of those bouncy balls like in the lotto commercials.

What?

Metschick

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

BigTenObsession — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:23:15 EDT

@UkraineNotWeak:

No kidding - I don't even recognize some of those guys. We're so satisfied with being back in first that we send out that team?

BigTenObsession

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

twoeightnine — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:23:10 EDT

As a father of three boys, I have three dicks which concern me

I'm guessing that your wife took care of yours years ago.

twoeightnine

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Camp Tiger Claw — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:23:05 EDT

Adrian MacPherson bet this was going to happen.

Camp Tiger Claw

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

12-Inch Idongivafuck Sandwich — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:22:46 EDT

@Diddly: I agree...

12-Inch Idongivafuck Sandwich

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

12-Inch Idongivafuck Sandwich — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:22:02 EDT

@Jen P: So the coach was actually looking out for the girl?

Exercise ball + massage oil=tricky
Exercise ball + semen=not as tricky?

I mean, he didn't want her to slip and break something!

12-Inch Idongivafuck Sandwich

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

gmschmidty — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:22:00 EDT

I am pretty sure this falls squarely in the "If your high school gym teacher tells you to get into a bikini so he can massage you and you are dumb enough to do it (alone in a loft, no less) you probably deserve whatever happens next" category. 17 or not, that broad must be an idiot.

gmschmidty

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

2ndBase — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:21:58 EDT

@UkraineNotWeak: Im listening to the game on XM and its the Mets broadcasters, and he made the comment that it is the type of lineup you throw out there the day after you clinch the division.

2ndBase

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

CatHairSweater — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:21:38 EDT

@Jen P: @metschick:

I thought women only did that in the movies...that my...friend bought.

Dirty movies, those were my sex education classes.

CatHairSweater

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Encouraging Referee Pitman — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:21:36 EDT

Apparently that's the punishment for not wearing your AFL t-shirt.

Encouraging Referee Pitman

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

BDoc — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:21:01 EDT

If Carl Monday doesn't make an appearance in Arizona I'm going to be disappointed.

BDoc

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

BowdenBowdenBowden — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:20:34 EDT

Since when was Ruben Gotay a shortstop? Heck, since when was he a Met?

BowdenBowdenBowden

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

The Fan’s Attic — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:20:28 EDT

@apostles03: is it a good thing that you don't worry about your own member?

The Fan’s Attic

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

UkraineNotWeak — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:20:23 EDT

@2ndBase: @metschick:

I went to cbssportsline to check out the lineup. Wow!!! It looks like Port St. Lucie on March 8th.

UkraineNotWeak

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

diddly — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:20:01 EDT

Looks like I'm investing in an exercise ball. Thank you ladies...

diddly

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Jen P — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:19:44 EDT

Combining the exercise ball with massage oil gets a little tricky, however ...

Jen P

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

HugsFromHarold — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:18:46 EDT

R. Kelly is not impressed.

HugsFromHarold

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

apostles03 — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:18:16 EDT

As a father of three boys, I have three dicks which concern me---as opposed to the millions of dicks the fathers of girls have to worry about. Fathering daughters is a rocky road, my friends.

This guy is overdue for a can of woopass.

apostles03

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Metschick — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:18:08 EDT

@2ndBase: yup.

Metschick

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

12-Inch Idongivafuck Sandwich — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:17:54 EDT

I picked the wrong time to make my last comment then have to do work for 15 min...

12-Inch Idongivafuck Sandwich

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Metschick — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:17:42 EDT

@UkraineNotWeak: nope. (read this - I actually did it!)

Metschick

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

2ndBase — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:17:37 EDT

@UkraineNotWeak: Looks like the Mets trotted out their B team today.

2ndBase

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

The Fan’s Attic — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:17:35 EDT

@Lady Andrea: Michelle Dumaresq???

The Fan’s Attic

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

2ndBase — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:16:47 EDT

@UkraineNotWeak: No.

2ndBase

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

sarah — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:16:34 EDT

(Prays to the heavens that TSB is not reading this.)

sarah

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

UkraineNotWeak — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:16:29 EDT

@metschick:

Reyes in the lineup today?

UkraineNotWeak

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Tuffy — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:16:25 EDT

@BigTenObsession: No, I don't necessarily need to be any closer to a possible Esther Williams female ejaculation routine. I am, in fact, holding up an umbrella at this moment.

Tuffy

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

sarah — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:16:01 EDT

@Jen P: hell yeah. Um... they roll...

sarah

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Lady Andrea — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:15:59 EDT

@metschick: I'll third that sentiment.

Lady Andrea

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

BigTenObsession — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:15:35 EDT

@metschick:

You just blew my mind.

BigTenObsession

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

sarah — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:15:22 EDT

@Russkiejedi: Again, we have a system based around scaring kids about sex, and STDs, and bananas.

sarah

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

BigTenObsession — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:15:13 EDT

Hey! It's almost 2PM - in a little while Will can tell us exactly if that's how personal training DOES work.

BigTenObsession

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Metschick — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:15:09 EDT

@BigTenObsession: The Highlander is a documentary, filmed in real time. (I can't not think of that quote when I hear of the Highlander.)

Metschick

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

2ndBase — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:14:59 EDT

We dont have Friendly's here, but if they offer rewards like that for purchasing homestyle meals, Im all for getting one. That's 2 birds with one stone!

2ndBase

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Sir Hotbod Handsomeface — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:14:25 EDT

@Lady Andrea: niiiiiiiiiiice

/south park cops

Sir Hotbod Handsomeface

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Metschick — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:14:17 EDT

@Jen P: Yeah, they can.

Metschick

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

BigTenObsession — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:14:11 EDT

@Tuffy:

That's my fault from the Highlander shenanigans yesterday, isn't it? I'm so sorry for your pain.

BigTenObsession

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Red Sox Monster — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:13:51 EDT

Sweeeeet. I LOVE Friendly's.

Red Sox Monster

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

"Hot" Carl Monday — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:13:38 EDT

My favorite strange fact of the case? That's the former high school of Bears safety Mike Brown.

"Hot" Carl Monday

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

BigTenObsession — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:13:28 EDT

Like you never thought about busting one on that little clown

Fixed.

I know I sure did - Poltergeist was a HUGE turn-on.

BigTenObsession

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Tuffy — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:13:25 EDT

@Lady Andrea: Normally, I'm against explaining a joke. Today? I'm *really* against explaining a joke.

Tuffy

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Jen P — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:13:19 EDT

I have to say that this guy was on to something, though: Those exercise balls can be a lot of fun.

Jen P

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

thebigcheese — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:13:01 EDT

"Oh that, that's just massage oil. Sticky, warm, massage oil." (nicely played Tom)

thebigcheese

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Why Not Jon Lovitz? — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:12:46 EDT

@BigRicks: Last call on my nipple!

Classic.

Why Not Jon Lovitz?

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

BigTenObsession — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:12:36 EDT

@Why Not Jon Lovitz?:

The Pervy Coach?

BigTenObsession

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Camp Tiger Claw — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:12:34 EDT

@UkraineNotWeak: Like you never thought about busting one on that little clown sundae with the upside down cone.

Don't get up. I'll punch myself.

Camp Tiger Claw

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Trot Nixons Hat — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:12:20 EDT

Will's opening line of the Tavarez post was absolutely prescient.

"instant gratification"

Trot Nixons Hat

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Lady Andrea — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:11:24 EDT

@2ndBase: dude, I know. I was making a joke. About females who can ejaculate.

Lady Andrea

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

LloydCarrPoolLane — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:11:05 EDT

Wait, I thought the person who recieved the massage got to have the happy ending?? They had it all backward...

LloydCarrPoolLane

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Why Not Jon Lovitz? — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:10:37 EDT

Doesn't this qualify as some sub-category of "The Houdini?"

Why Not Jon Lovitz?

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Bo Pelini Temper Tantrum — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:10:26 EDT

If it was that pole vaulter on TheBigLead the other day, there isn't a male jury-member in the world who would vote to convict this guy.

Bo Pelini Temper Tantrum

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

The Fan’s Attic — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:10:25 EDT

@Jen P: damn...why do i always forget to refresh when i am interrupted during my comment drafting.

The Fan’s Attic

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

thebigcheese — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:10:03 EDT

@Jen P: As if the making of ketchup wasn't gross already.

thebigcheese

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:09:57 EDT

@Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price: Over, not under.

-1 me

Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

2ndBase — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:09:51 EDT

@Lady Andrea: I know, Im just talking about the rubbing and "buttocks" kissing.

2ndBase

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Why Not Jon Lovitz? — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:09:42 EDT

Mark Chmura is unimpressed.

Why Not Jon Lovitz?

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Ron — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:09:38 EDT

@Jen P: I think I have some videos that end like that.

Ron

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

The Fan’s Attic — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:08:59 EDT

@2ndBase: if the trainer were a "woman" and ejaculating on the athlete, that would be amazing.

i would also think the "woman" trainer was Mike Penner/Christine Daniels.

The Fan’s Attic

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

LloydCarrPoolLane — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:08:35 EDT

Lesson to High School female athletes: Never trust a man with a mustache like that, NEVER!

LloydCarrPoolLane

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Tuffy — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:08:23 EDT

@Tuffy: Also, LSU coaches.

Tuffy

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:08:18 EDT

To be fair, this could have gone worse for both parties.

See: Van Wilder.

Also: @TheStarterWife: You can strike the "under 21" from that and still be good to go.

Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Russkiejedi — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:08:05 EDT

@TheStarterWife: No, it's much more important to demonstrate the proper way to use a condom on a banana and show pictures of STD-infected genetalia. There's no time for advice like that.

Russkiejedi

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

UkraineNotWeak — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:07:48 EDT

If the Friendly's in my hometown had offered that special, I would've eaten there more often.

UkraineNotWeak

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Bo Pelini Temper Tantrum — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:07:46 EDT

@TheStarterWife:
Gee, can't imagine why a political system run by horny old white guys hasn't instituted this curriculum. Boggles the mind, really.

Bo Pelini Temper Tantrum

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Jen P — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:07:40 EDT

I was hungry when this thread started with a Friendly's sign.
Now, not so much.

Jen P

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Tuffy — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:07:36 EDT

@TheStarterWife: This goes without question for all men that want to be 'alone' with you ever."

Better safe than sorry.

Tuffy

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Metschick — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:07:26 EDT

Bob Shepards Flock: I said I wasn't so good at adding up the numbers. I can't believe I was so off.

@Russkiejedi: If I were 17 and a 49 year old even attempted to touch me, I'd be extremely alarmed.

Metschick

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

MeanMachine — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:06:58 EDT

Did the school at least give her a varsity letter in bukake?

MeanMachine

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Ehloismint — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:06:34 EDT

She was asking for it...did you read how she was dressed???

Ehloismint

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Trot Nixons Hat — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:06:30 EDT

@Lady Andrea: Now THAT should get nightmare fuel, right there... (your comparison of massage oil and semen)

Trot Nixons Hat

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

theWolf — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:06:22 EDT

When she asked for more oil he said he needed ten more minutes.

theWolf

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Lady Andrea — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:06:12 EDT

@2ndBase: well, and the massage oil trick wouldn't have worked. Unless she was a squirter....

Lady Andrea

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

sarah — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:06:02 EDT

(I say in schools, but I also mean for parents too.)

sarah

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Tuffy — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:05:51 EDT

In this loft, did she find the Maxim Scouting Report on the 2012 cokewhore class stapled to the wall?

No offense, El Tee.

Tuffy

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Russkiejedi — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:05:45 EDT

@metschick: Having someone more than twice your age rub and kiss your butt is alarming? It must be a generational difference...

Russkiejedi

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Bob Sheppards Flock — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:05:32 EDT

@metschick: Actually he's 49. Definitely a dirty old man.

Bob Sheppards Flock

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Jen P — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:05:32 EDT

@Lady Andrea: Well, if the trainer were a woman, she probably wouldn't have ejaculated all over the kid.

Jen P

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Satyr Icon — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:05:19 EDT

He squirted the massage oil thinking to much about how he was going to give her deep tissue therapy....

Satyr Icon

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

2ndBase — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:05:16 EDT

@Lady Andrea: If the trainer were a woman and the athlete a male, the police would have never been notified.

2ndBase

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

sarah — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:05:10 EDT

Some times I wish that sex education in our schools included a section that goes along these lines -

"Listen, you're underaged. He's not. DO NOT BE IN A ROOM ALONE WITH HIM WITHOUT THE DOOR OPEN. Unless he is your doctor, he should not be touching you under your clothes.

This goes without question for all men that want to be 'alone' with you over the age of 21."

sarah

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Lady Andrea — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:04:59 EDT

@thebigcheese: as long as you're not a 49 yr old gross-looking man, you're fine.

Lady Andrea

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Metschick — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:04:53 EDT

@metschick: No, wait, 39. Not so good at the adding numbers up.

Metschick

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Jen P — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:04:48 EDT

@thebigcheese: I'm never going to look at ketchup the same way again. Thanks.

Jen P

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Metschick — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:04:14 EDT

@Lady Andrea: He's 38.

Metschick

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

thebigcheese — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:04:07 EDT

So am I out of line when I invite people to wear their bathing suits when coming over to my place, where all I have to sit on is exercise balls? Also I ejaculate on them.

thebigcheese

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:03:44 EDT

@12-inch Idongivafuck Sandwich: There is no way this exchange will end well.

Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Lady Andrea — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:03:26 EDT

@12-inch Idongivafuck Sandwich: not that warm.

Also, do you suppose it would work the same way if the trainer had been a woman and the HS athlete was a boy?

How old is Porras, anyway?

Lady Andrea

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Camp Tiger Claw — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:02:59 EDT

@12-inch Idongivafuck Sandwich: Nightmare Fuel.

Camp Tiger Claw

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

thebigcheese — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:02:52 EDT

@BigRicks: How about confetti? It always feels celebratory when it goes off. Either that or piping hot coffee, nothing like a good cup in the morning.

thebigcheese

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

12-Inch Idongivafuck Sandwich — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:01:56 EDT

@Lady Andrea: But its warm when it comes out...

12-Inch Idongivafuck Sandwich

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Threat Level: Midnight — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:01:39 EDT

A QB gets busted for this after not making it in the league? Marcus "New Mexico" Vick finally has a role model.

Threat Level: Midnight

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

SmedIndy — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:01:39 EDT

Where's Chris Hansen when you need him most??

SmedIndy

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Metschick — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:01:31 EDT

I'm just astounded that she became alarmed when he ejaculated on her. What about all that happened before that? That would alarm the hell out of me.

Metschick

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

BigRicks — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:00:42 EDT

@thebigcheese: or something manly...like motor oil...or little parachute army men (go! go! go!) or beer.

/Attell

BigRicks

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Metschick — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:00:35 EDT

@Unsilent Majority: OOh, Rob's gonna be mad. Wait, wrong Ferrell movie.

Metschick

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Lady Andrea — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:00:25 EDT

@12-inch Idongivafuck Sandwich: the semen doesn't get hot when you blow on it.

Lady Andrea

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

TastesLikeBurning — Thu, 17 May 2007 13:00:02 EDT

That's how they measure pants!

TastesLikeBurning

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Camp Tiger Claw — Thu, 17 May 2007 12:58:51 EDT

@thebigcheese: Freedom.

Camp Tiger Claw

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

thebigcheese — Thu, 17 May 2007 12:58:34 EDT

@Camp Tiger Claw: Your family had an afghan slave? Why were you masterbating on him/her?

thebigcheese

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Unsilent Majority — Thu, 17 May 2007 12:58:20 EDT

I ejaculate excellence

Unsilent Majority

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Ray — Thu, 17 May 2007 12:58:06 EDT

@badbabu: When he told her it was the bottle grunting.

Ray

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

The Fan’s Attic — Thu, 17 May 2007 12:58:00 EDT

and told her that if she had questions about sex, he would answer them. She declined.

what a know it all. like a seventeen year old wouldn't have questions about sex.

[serious]
what a ####ing douchebag that coach was.

The Fan’s Attic

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Athletic Supporter v0.42beta — Thu, 17 May 2007 12:57:58 EDT

It puts the lotion on it's skin, or else it gets crunches again.

Athletic Supporter v0.42beta

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Russkiejedi — Thu, 17 May 2007 12:57:46 EDT

@12-inch Idongivafuck Sandwich: Perhaps the delivery method?

Russkiejedi

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Camp Tiger Claw — Thu, 17 May 2007 12:57:28 EDT

If only I had thought of the "massage oil" line, I wouldn't have spent the early 90's sneaking out of the house in the dark to dispose of most of my family's pillowcases/afghans/socks.

Sorry Mom, I was just massaging on the couch again!

Camp Tiger Claw

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

2ndBase — Thu, 17 May 2007 12:57:27 EDT

A little google search of this guys name shows that his son plays DB for Stanford.

2ndBase

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

PeteJayhawk — Thu, 17 May 2007 12:57:02 EDT

@PeteJäyhawk™: Well, assuming she was hot, of course.

PeteJayhawk

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

thebigcheese — Thu, 17 May 2007 12:56:46 EDT

HE EJACULATES MASSAGE OIL!! How cool would that be. Personally I would want to ejaculate ketchup or mustard, something more practical than massage oil.

thebigcheese

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

PeteJayhawk — Thu, 17 May 2007 12:56:28 EDT

I've read this story thrice now and I still can't figure out what the hullaballoo is here. Seems perfectly reasonable to me.

PeteJayhawk

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

twoeightnine — Thu, 17 May 2007 12:56:27 EDT

All the signs were there, I mean didn't she become suspicious after he put on his two piece suit?

twoeightnine

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

badbabu — Thu, 17 May 2007 12:56:16 EDT

will surely find work as an analyst on ESPN AFL games.

where he'll promptly ejaculate on Greenberg, insisting that it's an emollient.

badbabu

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

12-Inch Idongivafuck Sandwich — Thu, 17 May 2007 12:55:52 EDT

She became alarmed when he ejaculated on her. He told her it was massage oil

So the question is, how did she figure out that it was semen and not massage oil?

12-Inch Idongivafuck Sandwich

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price — Thu, 17 May 2007 12:55:14 EDT

*makes a note to try the massage oil trick somewhere down the line*

Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

What Would Kornheiser Do? Presented by Peniston Fuels — Thu, 17 May 2007 12:54:59 EDT

She became alarmed when he ejaculated on her.

That is perhaps the most hilarious thing I have ever heard of coming from a statutory rape case.

What Would Kornheiser Do? Presented by Peniston Fuels

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

AgInDC — Thu, 17 May 2007 12:54:44 EDT

Wow, thats almost as creepy as Jerry Falwell's "first time."

AgInDC

That's Not How Personal Training Typically Works

Juancho — Thu, 17 May 2007 12:54:43 EDT

I'm too tired to even make a Harold Reynolds joke. Like the Cavs last night, I just can't make much effort.

Juancho