Meet Your New American Gladiators - Deadspin Comments

Meet Your New American Gladiators

The Gizmo from Pismo — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 09:30:02 EST

It took way too long for an AROD joke.

The Gizmo from Pismo

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Marth — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 09:26:49 EST

Not to get all Bill Simmons here, but...

Does anyone think this show would be far more entertaining if instead of these big huge bodybuilder types, they used real professional athletes with attitude problems? I mean, we'd all want to see Pac Man Jones as a gladiator, right? Elijah Dukes? Ron Artest? Basically anyone who is suspended from their league for an extent of time could come and actually scare the shit out of the competitors (and potentially seriously injure one of them during Powerball).

Marth

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Steven Gerrard's Gifted Right Foot — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 17:49:50 EST

Is Toa the Samoan God of Eyeliner?

Steven Gerrard's Gifted Right Foot

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Signal to Noise — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 17:38:49 EST

Yes: Crush, abso-fucking-lutely
Maybe: Venom
Hell no: the rest of them

Worth noting: NBC has had to refund advertising money to corporations, and this is proof to me that the strike alone is not responsible for this.

Signal to Noise

Meet Your New American Gladiators

UkraineNotWeak aka Praying for a Bullpen — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 15:32:13 EST

Carrie is just about to unleash her nastiness on A&E. Now there was a prom.

UkraineNotWeak aka Praying for a Bullpen

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Arn Ziffel — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 15:31:04 EST

Jesus, and people wonder why no one watches TV anymore. I fear for the future of entertainment. We're less then a decade from the return of Christians and lions in the arcade. And while the mayhem and bloodshed will be legal and organized it will still be impossible to place a legal bet.

Arn Ziffel

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Lady Andrea — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 15:22:16 EST

@Innings Eater: I was just coming in here to type, "Wow...Olive Smoot ate Emerson Cod and that is what happened."

/Pushing Daisies nerdiness

Lady Andrea

Meet Your New American Gladiators

AndyReidsOtherSon — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 15:20:16 EST

@MeanMachine: Damnit, I knew I wasn't going to be the first one to go there

AndyReidsOtherSon

Meet Your New American Gladiators

AndyReidsOtherSon — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 15:18:26 EST

Yes: All

/A-Rod

AndyReidsOtherSon

Meet Your New American Gladiators

44 in a Row — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 15:17:33 EST

I'm both surprised and thankful that they're not making them fight in heels.

44 in a Row

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Brazil Thrill — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 15:15:20 EST

@Eirishis: Stealth's Bio:
"She flies under the radar for a swift and unexpected attack, and any adversary caught unaware will get a swift lesson in cock and awe."

Brazil Thrill

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 15:09:49 EST

YES: Crush, Laila Ali.

Coming Into The Game, ♪♪ ♪♪♪ #J23 - The Superstar Receiver, ofyourupperdeck TORONTOOOoo BJSss ®

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Lorem Ipsum — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 15:09:16 EST

Holly Mangold will eat them all for breakfast.

Lorem Ipsum

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Scout — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 15:05:04 EST

Completely unrelated to the speculation that Hellga's body is filled with a horrifying mix of toxic chemicals, her last date was with a Russian spy about 9 months ago.

Scout

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Eirishis — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 15:04:48 EST

@twoeightnine: More of a "disqualified from consideration"

Eirishis

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Yostal — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 15:01:25 EST

Fury? Hellga? Wolf? What kind of human being would use a one word nickname to conduct business...

Oh, right...carry on...

Yostal

Meet Your New American Gladiators

twoeightnine — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 15:01:16 EST

So that's not a no to the tranny?

twoeightnine

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Eirishis — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:59:20 EST

@Brazil Thrill, @koivutoakill: : Close but not quite right ...
Yes: Crush
Maybe: Siren, Venom
God no: Hellga, Fury
Tranny: Stealth (the name gives the truth away)

Eirishis

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Tuffy — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:56:51 EST

@liarlidimew: Over/under on Littlefield Report results? 2013.

Tuffy

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Brazil Thrill — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:56:48 EST

@chilltown: Why would you think Hellga's a lesbo?

Brazil Thrill

Meet Your New American Gladiators

MeanMachine — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:56:39 EST

What, no A-Rod jokes?

MeanMachine

Meet Your New American Gladiators

ThatMarkDude — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:56:37 EST

She looks like she might actually be attractive if her body wasn't a grotesque steroid wonderland and she didn't have a chin that could smash boulders.

That's not the sort of wonderland that John Mayer had in line when he wrote that song. Not at all.

ThatMarkDude

Meet Your New American Gladiators

LiarLidimew — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:54:45 EST

And now a whole new generation of children can grow up to embrace the positive effects HGH has upon your ability to beat people with nerf weapons and big q-tips

LiarLidimew

Meet Your New American Gladiators

FiddlingWhileJimRomeBurns — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:53:57 EST

@Tuffy: Yes.

James Hetfield on HGH == Wolf

FiddlingWhileJimRomeBurns

Meet Your New American Gladiators

twoeightnine — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:53:30 EST

If you guys thought Crush looked familiar... She's a pro MMA fighter, and has been featured in Maxim.

Why are they hiding that stomach behind a corset!?!?!?!

twoeightnine

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Tuffy — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:53:20 EST

@FiddlingWhileJimRomeBurns: Nightmare Ant is pure energy?

Tuffy

Meet Your New American Gladiators

FiddlingWhileJimRomeBurns — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:50:55 EST

@Disgruntled Goat: (Nightmare Ant) = mc^2

FiddlingWhileJimRomeBurns

Meet Your New American Gladiators

twoeightnine — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:48:41 EST

I've got my sharpie and poster board out.

I've got a crush on Crush!

twoeightnine

Meet Your New American Gladiators

44 in a Row — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:43:58 EST

We've gone from Nightmare Ant to Nightmare Adams Apple.

Not sure if it's an improvement.

44 in a Row

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Gourmet Spud — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:43:23 EST

@Tuffy:

+1. I'm an idiot.

Gourmet Spud

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Tuffy — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:42:09 EST

@Gourmet Spud: Wasn't there already a deaf Gladiator named Siren?

Here, you can have your leg back; I didn't mean to pull it right off.

Tuffy

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Gourmet Spud — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:41:52 EST

@Camp Tiger Claw:

Would that make Mrs. Winslow Blaze?

Gourmet Spud

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Disgruntled Goat — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:41:39 EST

I've give it some thought, and Nightmare Ant>Nightmare Hellga.

Disgruntled Goat

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Chad Sexington — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:40:51 EST

Honestly, I'm just saddened Pyro and Gyro weren't able to overcome their past problems to make an appearance in this incarnation of American Gladiators.

Chad Sexington

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Brazil Thrill — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:40:49 EST

@dippity sauce: If you guys thought Crush looked familiar... She's a pro MMA fighter, and has been featured in Maxim.

Brazil Thrill

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Gourmet Spud — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:40:12 EST

@Tuffy:

Candle in the Wind? Never mind.

Gourmet Spud

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Tuffy — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:39:54 EST

@StuScott Booyahs: Let me read to you from the Mitchell Report again...

Tuffy

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Pam Wards strap-on — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:39:37 EST

Hellga's hiding a dinner roll cameltoe or a bulge that was too noticeable in high-def under that skirt.

Pam Wards strap-on

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Tuffy — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:38:21 EST

@Gourmet Spud: What?

Tuffy

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Tuffy — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:37:50 EST

I hope Superman can get Wolf and his Gladiator cohorts back into the Phantom Zone.

Tuffy

Meet Your New American Gladiators

chilltown — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:35:46 EST

@FiddlingWhileJimRomeBurns: Yes, but on HGH.

Also, unlike Titan, Hellga likes the vagina.

chilltown

Meet Your New American Gladiators

TheWrathofQBEagles — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:35:38 EST

Fury's thighs are absolutely insane.

TheWrathofQBEagles

Meet Your New American Gladiators

StuScott Booyahs — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:35:03 EST

Great, a show featuring men and transexuals wrestling each other. Can't wait.

StuScott Booyahs

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Gourmet Spud — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:35:02 EST

@Tuffy:

If you can rewrite it for Princess Diana, you can rewrite it for the Ant.

Gourmet Spud

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Chanukah Zombie — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:34:47 EST

@Brazil Thrill: Crush is an absolute yes, even if she could crush my head with her thighs. Maybe that could be fun.

Um, excuse me, I need a minute alone.

Chanukah Zombie

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Chad Sexington — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:34:43 EST

I must say, Siren and Crush aren't bad at all.

Chad Sexington

Meet Your New American Gladiators

LiarLidimew — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:34:37 EST

Over under on sex change surgeries in this group: 2

LiarLidimew

Meet Your New American Gladiators

FiddlingWhileJimRomeBurns — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:33:55 EST

@chilltown: Stiffler's Mom?

FiddlingWhileJimRomeBurns

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Brazil Thrill — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:33:52 EST

@dk: Shit... She's 7 inches shorter than me, and we weigh about the same.

And Justice could probably start for the Knicks right now.

Brazil Thrill

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Green Weenie — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:33:39 EST

@chilltown: She looks like "Susan, Germany's Most Beloved Transvestite" from the SNL Jeopardy skit, played by the sorely-missed Phil Hartman.

Green Weenie

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Matt_T — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:32:54 EST

@chilltown: Stifler's mom?

Matt_T

Meet Your New American Gladiators

dk — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:32:22 EST

Dammit, I was hoping that was Winston JUSTICE.

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Tuffy — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:31:55 EST

@crgfyb: Tables all across this great land now wobble as those dictionaries are found.

Tuffy

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Tuffy — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:31:03 EST

@chilltown: Michael McKean?

Tuffy

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit sniffing glue — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:30:08 EST

About Crush: "Don't let the winsome smile fool you."

That sound you hear is the footsteps of Gladiator fans rushing to find their dictionaries.

Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit sniffing glue

Meet Your New American Gladiators

dk — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:29:53 EST

Hellga is an inch shorter than me, but has 30 pounds on me.

Christ.

Meet Your New American Gladiators

chilltown — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:29:47 EST

She looks like that big blond actress from the Christopher Guest movies.

chilltown

Meet Your New American Gladiators

FiddlingWhileJimRomeBurns — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:29:21 EST

Nightmare Ant's death takes place in the shadow of new life. Nightmare Ant isn't really dead if we find a way to remember Nightmare Ant.
/God damn it Jim, I'm a doctor

FiddlingWhileJimRomeBurns

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Camp Tiger Claw — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:29:02 EST

@Gourmet Spud: Remember when Carl Winslow got all buff and changed his name to Gemini?

Camp Tiger Claw

Meet Your New American Gladiators

being_sven — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:28:37 EST

So, when they make the eventual special Celebrity edition, who would be the Celebrity Gladiators?

being_sven

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Naptown Drew — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:28:32 EST

I think I like "Nightmare Ant" better than "Nightmare Pre-Op."

Naptown Drew

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Disgruntled Goat — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:28:06 EST

@Brazil Thrill: You think she's a maybe? I 'unno about that, but whatever floats yer boat.

Disgruntled Goat

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Tuffy — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:27:42 EST

@Gourmet Spud: What?

Tuffy

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Gourmet Spud — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:27:07 EST

Wasn't there already a deaf Gladiator named Siren?

Gourmet Spud

Meet Your New American Gladiators

koivutoakill — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:26:19 EST

I am going to go with Brazil on all counts except Venom/Helga. I'd swap those two.

koivutoakill

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Tuffy — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:26:05 EST

Wrestling Venom can cause severe skin and eye irritation or chemical burns to broken skin. Repeated tussles with Venom can damage the liver, kidney, blood, heart, and immune and respiratory systems. Keep Venom out of the reach of children.

Tuffy

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Innings Eater — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:25:07 EST

Kristen Chenowith + Bovine growth hormone = Hellga.

Innings Eater

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Camp Tiger Claw — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:24:30 EST

Venom has shed her skin to become one of the most feared warriors in Gladiator Arena.

Translation: Venom has finally given up on her dream of being a traditional actress and is being fitted for a helmet cam and giant foam joust stick.

God bless the writers strike.

Camp Tiger Claw

Meet Your New American Gladiators

dk — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:23:51 EST

Nightmare Ant can never die if we hold him in our hearts, and our nightmares.

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Brazil Thrill — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:20:45 EST

YES: Crush, Siren.
MAYBE: Hellga
NO: Fury, Stealth, Venom

Brazil Thrill

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Gourmet Spud — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:20:38 EST

Goodbye, Nightmare Ant
Although we barely got to know you at all
Your twisted grin
Would haunt our nights
And make us dream our heads were that ball

Goodbye, Nightmare Ant
As commenters we are sad to see you go
Hope you're in heaven with Hedberg
Who makes you look like a little snow(man)

Gourmet Spud

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Matt_T — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:20:29 EST

Good to see that the steroid industry wasn't hurt too bad by the Mitchell Report.

Matt_T

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Disgruntled Goat — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:19:51 EST

Nightmare ladies. It just won't stop, will it, Skeets?

Disgruntled Goat

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:19:46 EST

She was definitely in "The Mitchell Report: Uncensored".

Coming Into The Game, ♪♪ ♪♪♪ #J23 - The Superstar Receiver, ofyourupperdeck TORONTOOOoo BJSss ®

Meet Your New American Gladiators

being_sven — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:19:27 EST

Good to see the re-emergence of East German superiority.

being_sven

Meet Your New American Gladiators

J-No — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:19:09 EST

I am pretty sure I fucked that guy once, you know, before the surgery. Wait, what?

J-No

Meet Your New American Gladiators

FiddlingWhileJimRomeBurns — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:19:00 EST

Oh, and...maybe.

FiddlingWhileJimRomeBurns

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Skeets — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:18:24 EST

@Camp Tiger Claw: Hahaha ...

Skeets

Meet Your New American Gladiators

jwaves2007 — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:18:20 EST

I have a rule that I won't fuck any girl who has a bigger dick than me. What?

jwaves2007

Meet Your New American Gladiators

FiddlingWhileJimRomeBurns — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:18:17 EST

The horrifying reign of Nightmare Ant is over! Nightmare Ant is dead...long live Nightmare Ant.

FiddlingWhileJimRomeBurns

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Camp Tiger Claw — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:17:30 EST

When you enter Gladiator Arena keep an eye out for Wolf! Able to smell fear and always going for the jugular, Wolf is 230-pounds of primal fury. He will ferociously defend his turf... and thrives on the opportunity to sink his teeth into any challenge.

Glad to see NBC has hired Suss to write the bios.

Camp Tiger Claw

Meet Your New American Gladiators

Kccal — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:16:56 EST

She makes Chyna look do-able.

Kccal