Evidently these have been around for a while, but they're new to me. BuzzBallz: Regret In a Can. BuzzBallz: Liquid Cold-Sore. BuzzBallz: Convex Around the Sides, Like Your Abdomen When Fluid Accumulates In Your Peritoneal Cavity as a Result of the Liver Cirrhosis You Get From Living the Kind of Life That Involves Really Any Kind of Non-Observational Interaction with BuzzBallz. BuzzBallz!

The BuzzBallz website describes BuzzBallz as "awesome mixed drinks made from juices, and vodka, rum, or tequila!" It also describes BuzzBallz as "awesome wine based mixed drinks made from real fruit juice!" The point here is that the BuzzBallz website describes BuzzBallz as "awesome," which, actually, BuzzBallz are not awesome. BuzzBallz are sad. BuzzBallz are gross and not cool. BuzzBallz are a Jimmy Buffett concert that you hide in the couch cushions so your dang busybody kids won't give you a hard time about takin' the edge off. BuzzBallz: You Can Quit Anytime You Want!

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BuzzBallz come in many bad flavors with sad names. Lotta Colada, Cran Blaster, Strawberry Rum Job (uh, what), Tropic Chillerz. "Can you please toss me a Tropic Chillerz BuzzBall, Dave" is the second-saddest thing a person can say out loud, after "Oh God, feral dogs just ate my baby." When you ask Dave to toss you a Tropic Chillerz BuzzBall, what you are really asking is for someone to take you in hand and guide you back to the way of dignity. Will Dave do it? I don't know, man. I don't trust Dave all that much.

Hey. Don't drink BuzzBallz. There are people who love you.

Photo by Tim Marchman